by Quinn Pierce 
The Perpetual Victim
I don’t know how he does it. It’s a skill he continues to practice and perfect, I suppose. What’s astonishing is his ability to twist any situation- no matter how absurd- into something where he can paint himself as the victim.
Anyone who was even remotely involved in our lives last year would know that my ex-husband reached a new level of vindictive, hurtful behavior. He manipulated every resource he could access including doctors, courts, school systems, and child services in two states. It was such a forceful and constant barrage of attacks that I didn’t even have time to collect my thoughts before responding.
And that was his goal all along.
Keeping You Off-Balance
The favorite and most commonly used strategy of my ex-husband is the surprise attack. He will always do his best to catch me off-guard, or corner me at in-opportune times when I’m distracted or not prepared for what he is doing.
He preys on vulnerability and indecisiveness. It’s a tactic that has always proven successful- especially with me. What he continues to fail to understand is that while he is incapable of changing, growing, or healing, that is just what his children and I have been doing.
Every day.
A One-Sided Game
My son once returned from a visit with his father and tried to explain to me the bizarre conversations with, and explanations from, his father. My children are completely aware of their father’s character flaws, shall we say. But, there are still aspects of his personality that baffle them at times.
For example, my son was explaining how my ex-husband described what he believed to be my motives and rationale for things he thinks I’m doing.
The key word here is: thinks . What he thinks I’m doing.
That’s what was confusing to my son. He knew that none of the things his father was talking about actually took place anywhere in reality. It’s as if he is fighting a war against me, except that he doesn’t realize that I’m not actually participating. My ex-husband and his wife spend most of their time talking about and anticipating my next move, which would be more conceivable if I ever planned anything ahead of time. Ironically, one of his biggest pet peeves during our marriage was how ‘unprepared and unorganized’ I was.
It’s funny to think that he now pictures me as some kind of sly, cunning, well-planned enemy biding my time before attacking. Ironically, I usually consider my day a success if I only lose my car keys once.
Planning ahead is not my greatest strength. Not engaging in his fictional game of war, however, may just be.
Unraveling at the Seams
My ex-husband caused so much devastation in our family last year, that my older son is now estranged from him completely. It was a year of blaming, accusing, lying, and threatening me and my children, and yet, my ex is shocked that his children harbor any anger towards him at all.
He insists that I have alienated him from them, and that I have brainwashed them with lies and accusations. But, while he was playing this fantasy game of war, standing on every soap box he could find, and shouting through every social media channel he could access, I did”¦nothing.
I didn’t have to. Once again, he failed to see how strong, independent, and responsible his own children are. He treated them like they were young, naive, easily manipulated toddlers. More like an image of himself, if you will.
I simply stood back and watched his one-act show go down in flames. His lies started colliding, his actions became desperate and tantrum-like. His credibility slowly eroded.
Strength Overtakes Fear
And just like that, my own fears began to fade- giving way to a strength I didn’t know I possessed. It’s a strength that comes from watching your children come up against adversity and conquer it with a grace that steals your breath. It’s a strength that comes from feeling hopeless and helpless and not giving up.
It’s a strength that comes from surviving years of emotional abuse and believing in yourself enough to say: I will not allow this any more. It’s a strength that comes from raising children whose integrity and courage inspires others.
And it’s a strength that comes from trusting in the goodness life has to offer in order to find happiness and love.
It’s a strength we will all find on this journey together.
Happy New Year…
New Year’s Resolutions for Lovefraud readers
I saw the “crash and burn” for the ex’s frenzy when I hardly expected it. Sweet. Made me (almost) a believer in a Santa Claus God who delivers the goods to good boys and girls.
I walked the line after he left; it had been so wild and weird that I couldn’t be sure where I stopped and he began or vice versa. So, I put myself to some tests in striving for certain ideals and those were challenging enough that I just couldn’t pay much attention to his shenanigans.
Some 5 years later, when he’d looked the “winner” with the secure and status profession, had the “no hair out of place” wifey and had reasons aplenty to be in great form, he unwound for a legal challenge from me. By the time he was done imploding, the court made it sternly clear that it was done with him. (And they just had to entertain him once in a while; not 24/7 when married to him.) And so, finally, he disappeared. I have no doubt that on his deathbed he’ll still believe that I was some kind of evilness. I wonder how people delude themselves like that.
Eventually the ex and the “no hair out of place” wifey (with the prior completely white decorating scheme… right down to the family dog) divorced. And she wound up a hermit; living her life over the Internet and having the court intervene to guarantee education for their adopted children… Rather poignant given the ex’s scholarliness and brillance.
His first wife suicided.
I count myself and my sons rather lucky ducks to have not wound up so scathed.
Kudos to all you former victims who have lived to see some retribution! Hope you all have a healthy and rewarding New Year!
Mine has his time coming! I’ve been told that he’ll be charged by the 18th of February so this is going to be my year of sitting back and watching his world crumble into a million pieces – and as a policeman, it won’t stay out of the media, although I won’t be the one to release it…. bahaha!
Please let us all know the outcome; we’re all behind you!
I will flicka!
May justice be served. We are all behind you.
undertheradar: We will stand by and see the triumph over the wicked. The stone they started to roll, will roll back on them and crush them. They will fall into the pit they dug for others. Their cunning is in vain.
Jenna23
They are constantly self destructing, daily! Can you imagine trying to stay one step ahead of your lies – forever? This is “hell on earth!”
Step back and take a good look without emotional involvement, you will see that their charm does not equal a charmed life. They are always running from their lies and cheating, while you are feeling your pain, there are others that he’s destroyed and he will continue to destroy!
Now really, is it not a destructive life! From beginning to end he lives in hell, even his smile is false!
My spath could never keep up with his lies but confused me by appearing with no guilt – this lead me to believe that my instincts were wrong and that he was telling the truth. I’ve since learned that he just adapts, moves on from it because he has no emotional involvement. Never will he be able to feel as we feel, never will he be able to learn from his past mistakes and evolve, never will he be able to appreciate the gift of life – hell on earth as far as I’m concerned and definitely makes me appreciate who I am in comparison!
Yes but some of their lies become dangerously magnified if supported and encouraged by their small, core “group”…in my case my “ex” and our 5 adult children. As Mark Kelly so well described in his book “Gabby”, it is a credo of NASA’S that NO decisions are to made as a group where individual critical thinking can be influenced by the “group”. Anyone who reads my children’s back and forth emails can clearly see their emotions accelerating to a very dangerous level. If this “group” supports their magnifications, eliminations and lies, they almost come to believe they are true! Thus, my note to Donna on whether or not sociopaths ever know who and what they are. Peace to all.
Flika
I agree! I couldn’t believe some of the lies my spath got the kids to believe about me? For a while there, I lived with the animosity and accusations with a certain level of fear from one of his children but in the end she didn’t escalate in her actions so I calmed down over her. Looking back and watching her grow showed me her human side and although she is fiercely loyal to her father, she also has her mother’s grounding in love and that shone through in the end.
I was so confused by all the manipulation but now know that I can’t blame anyone for believing his lies because I did the same thing… we normal people know what we’re accountable for – things only get dangerous when there is no conscience so fingers crossed, I’m only dealing with one psychopath.
You’re right, the destruct every day. My ex-spath is afraid to answer the door if he’s no expecting you, does not answer calls from numbers he doesn’t know and never signs for mail. He also can not sleep alone. Charming absolutely not a charmed life make.
Thetenthchair
Wow! That is paranoia to the extreme! That’s a whole other kind of spath to mine… my was so confident….sorry ARROGANT that nothing appeared to scare him. He wouldn’t answer the phone if he was in another room and thought I wouldn’t realise it but he was hiding calls from his other victims. The times I was in front of him and he was receiving those calls, he’d answer them in flight mode and race around trying to find somewhere private to talk – all while acting it was a mate on the phone. I look back now with full knowledge of those deceitful moments…
It is perpetual decompensation. Entropy. Like Dorian Gray — it was happening every day with every new evil deed. It didn’t show up on Dorian Gray but it was taking place and was revealed on his portrait and eventually it all came to light.
We may not “see” the silent implosion of his/her soul, but it is simply a fact of life. Call it “sowing and reaping” or call it “Karma” — there are no passes in life; sooner or later all chickens will come home to roost. The bill will come due. Consequences do follow actions.
When the front (the mask) is still operational, only some are fooled. But, the termites are working away…just give it time and the entire structure will crumble.
Jenna
Appearances aren’t everything honey… how many wealthy people commit suicide every year? How many people that appear to have everything you want, are taking anti-depressants to get through the day… I’ve watched several wealthy people eat themselves to death, indulge so badly that they end up in care facilities and that is all their money was good for in the end…
Your spath only appears to have everything because you want the same things so go out and make that happen for you, then look back one day and ask yourself whether he has it all – you’ll realise that you are the one that has it all, not him, because you’ll have it all and be authentic as well 🙂
Undertheradar: I was baffled by how I was taken in and so deceived. You nailed it. It was his ability to lie without blinking an eye. He was so convincing because he had no conscience to restrain him or correct him or accuse him. He was (is) without any restraints at all. No fear.
Because he was so self-assured in his stories, I just assumed he was telling the truth. I was assessing him by MY standards. I could never lie without blushing or showing some reaction of guilt.
We operate in different universes. The PDs have no feelings to hold them back, no conscience to restrain, no empathy to detour them from a completely selfish agenda. Life seems easier for them to navigate through. But, it is a delusion. They are on a slippery slope.
They can never be truly happy or content. EVER. They can never know or feel what love is. They are like machines.
Sandandfree
Oh yes! So convincing and I agree that I was assessing from my own shoes… in the end that is what brought him unstuck, my instincts started screaming louder than him!
We all do Jenna… hang in there honey – it will happen 😉
Jenna, I believe that sooner or later they all self-destruct.
Sociopaths become more and more brazen so long as they are not held accountable. The one I married lied, cheated and stole his way through life, delegating and using and taking credit for the efforts of others. He was the nicest person you’d ever want to meet, until he wasn’t. If things didn’t go his way, he was ruthless. He finally stepped on a career landmine by slandering a coworker in widely circulated emails. He got the man fired, then got his employer and himself sued for defamation. It turned out that he and the slandered coworker were chasing the same woman (yes, while we were married), and he was eliminating the competition. Then the sociopath was investigated and fired. He later married the woman in question so she could not testify against him at trial, then divorced her immediately when the lawsuit settled. By then, his once stellar career was destroyed, his credibility was destroyed, and he was begging me to come back and make it all right. I didn’t. I didn’t even respond. Some years later, he died alone and addicted to pain medications after driving away anyone who still bothered to care about him.
I wouldn’t wish such a thing on any other person, but that was not a person. He was living, breathing evil and he harmed everyone. Eventually even himself.
Doenwiththat-That sounds exactly like my husbands ex wife. Except she is still alive. But addicted to pain killers and xanax and every other sedative under the sun. I wonder how she causes so much chaos and problems when she is so messed up all the time
Done, you have got it Nailed, and thank you for it.
Donewiththat: Your story reminds me of my xnph. The details are different, but it is just the same character implosion and self-destruction. Once they get on that trajectory of the downhill, slippery slope, there is no stopping the looming inevitable destruction. And, since they have no ability to connect the dots — thinking they are perfect, entitled and untouchable — they have no way to prevent the train wreck of their lives. A man who is cruel is unkind to his own soul. They do it to themselves.
Saneandfree
Amen to that! Unkind to his own soul…a worthless life so hell on earth and not worth squat!
Donewiththat
You’ve got a valid point with accountability! I watched my spath become more and more brazen over the 14 years I was with him because he knew he had me in such a state of confusion that I wasn’t making him accountable. I was the good little wife, making a home and giving him the whole other “decent” life to hide in.
I do think I made it easy for him, in a sense, but I also think I protected him, in a sense… I wonder how far he would have taken his dysfunctional life if I wasn’t at home expecting a “normal” man to come home and act like a family man? Now we’ll see because I’m not there and his other life is slowly catching up to him…
Things are not always what they appear to be. There were so many times when it looked as though my xnph was going to mow over me and get away with all his vicious lies, slanders, cheats, and frauds and treachery. But, the PDs are all lies. Once we stop believing them, the “threat” goes “poof” like a mirage.
What I have noticed over time is the erosion of character and credibility of these PDs. My xnph still can charm and intimidate, etc. BUT, his tactics have been reduced to name-calling, ugly put-downs, ridiculous accusations all bundled-up with every pity play possible (I am talking about public behavior).
It is hard to remember what I admired about this person…there is not a shred of him left. He is shameless in his crazy attempts to win at any cost. His last “formal” response to a legal motion was delusional. Don’t they hear themselves? No.
After a while they are so self-deceived that they truly believe everything they say and they think everyone else does too. They don’t see when they are exposed and cornered. Like the Emperor with no clothes.
Goodness increases and evil destroys. Because they choose to forge their lives with lies, cruelty and deception they are building their own prison. Everyone else who chooses to live by love and goodness will receive that. The law of sowing and reaping is a reality even if we don’t see the crop right away.
How very much I want to believe that what you say is true! But as I look across human society, I fear the growing prevalence of this human behavioral illness. As a whole, we increasingly extol its immoral traits to the point where we may possibly self-destruct; i.e. wars, immorality, corruption.
flicka: I see my xnph degrading, devolving on the slippery slope he has chosen (thinking he could find “happiness”). It has been a slow, downward spiral; but, it is clear. If he ever had a “person” inside himself, then that person is dissolving.
One cannot live and build a life on lies. It is quicksand for a foundation. It cannot stand.
But, they try to con us with their scheme of reality to throw us off, to mesmerize us — to then advance their agenda of cheating and stealing and destroying.
You are right about society. Imposters and evil men will go from bad to worse. I think that is why we are seeing and hearing so much about PDs everywhere — in real life and in movies, books, etc.
Our society encourages “self”, it rewards “winners”, it glamorizes narcissism. Humility is not really honored. Pride is exalted. Getting ahead at any cost seems to be the mantra of the day.
But, we cannot focus on the PDs in our life or those who used to be in our life. We cannot dwell on the real evils of society. Looking at the prevalence and increase of evil is further harmful to us. It causes us to fear and weakens us. What we need is strength and moral virtue.
We need to stand firm and upright and be victorious. If they want to go to hell, it is their free choice. They are forging their chains in this life. Their lives are really a slice of hell, no matter what they may appear to be.
I used to believe that because “good overcomes evil”, that — by believing in my xnph and loving him — he could and would change for the good. I misunderstood. A light can light up the darkness; but, darkness is darkness and evil is evil. The change must come from inside them. They must want it. But, their minds are darkened; they have NO understanding and their hearts are black. They are dead inside.
His evil was about to overcome me. He was/is like a toxic nuclear waste dump. Removing oneself from such a situation is critical to survival and healing. An organism can heal if the infusion of poison stops.
What is needful is that we do not throw in the towel with darkness and evil and succumb to the tyranny of fear. Fear is paralyzing.
We overcome by surviving and by not yielding to destruction. It is about OUR survival and victory — not about trying to change them. Our victory is in the very real fact that they did not destroy us with them. That is a mercy. We still have our hearts, souls, and minds and integrity. But, for all that they have done and continue to do, they get emptier and darker and colder. What sane person chooses that?
BRAVO!!! SaneAndFree Bravo to your entire post. GREAT insights and words to take to heart.
To separate from and free ourselves from these types is to sever the sucking tentacles of an evil parasite who seeks to feed and grow their evil from our humanity. Without a host to suck off from, they are left with themselves.
It is as I told my ex, I will not seek vengeance. I don’t have to. You will do it for me, just by being YOU.
The day I realized that my conscience, my integrity, my honor still existed and nothing he did could change that I had a heart and humanity… was the day I realized I had TRUE worth.
NotWhatHeSaidofMe: I love your name! It says it all. The PDs tried (for as long as we allowed them) to put their own shame and guilt on US. We — out of love for them and naivety — we, agreed to receive and bear their shame and hate.
It is a shame which they cannot acknowledge, a shame which increases every day, a shame that cripples them as humans because they will not deal with it. It is like a cancer on their souls.
They blame us in thought, word and deed, accusing us of their inadequacies, their guilt, their self-loathing. If it is withering for us to receive it, imagine how they must “feel” at their core from where it emanates.
One day, I was talking to my then husband on the phone (he was in another state). Something really set him off as we were talking and I got hit with narcissistic rage of a magnitude I had never experienced before. It felt like a powerful Siberian blast torpedoed through my chest. It was like a huge blast made a hole in my heart and chest that was freezing beyond cold.
I was stunned. How could a person be filled with such rage and hate and COLDNESS? I had to go outside into the sunshine and warmth and recover.
But, that is them. That is their core, no matter how they dress it up to deceive others.
For us, the best revenge is living well. They can’t touch us once we take our power back. We surrendered our lives, hearts, and souls and therefore — our power — to them one compromise at a time. But, they can’t keep us powerless anymore.
They are notorious boundary-busters. They just mow us down until we don’t know who we are or were before our psychopathic encounter with them. What a reprehensible way to treat a person who they once professed to love!!! The verdict is in: they are black-hearted, soulless monsters.
They are monsters of their own making. Everyone of us has oodles of choices to make every day. We can choose to do right, be kind, decent, thoughtful, loving or we can choose to be selfish. Life or death.
They choose selfish every time. But, the irony of it is that by seeking to save their lives, they lose them. By their selfish choices, they cheat only themselves in the end. They are the BIGGEST LOSERS.
They are ever jealous of us because we can feel, we can love, we can truly give. They so envious us, of our humanity that they try to steal it. They are so angry at us because we are real and they can never be. They are, as you pointed out, evil parasites. They are like malicious, deadly viruses.
But, we have been inoculated against them now and are immune to their poison.
Flicka
This evidence is throughout our history as a species as well. Only half of humanity is evolving, the world is still at war, regardless of our knowledge, whether it be a person or a group – quite an evolutionary slap in the face for whoever is watching us live out this existence….
I sincerely hope you are correct; perhaps, due to age and abandoned disability, I am too pessimistic. I do appreciate your optimistic letters…e can all benefit from that.Peace.
…and yet we egotistically keep claiming our superiority over the plants and animals who seem far more adaptable to environmental changes!
I agree Flicka…superior my a***
Saneandfree
You are so spot on it’s like you’re telling my story, but I still feel sorry for him, know I shouldn’t but can’t stop it. I’m looking forward to being sane and free like you!
Undertheradar: You sound sane and free and whole to me! I have been encouraged by your posts.
It does sound like our stories are very similar — the loving, devoted wives providing safe havens and respectable fronts for husbands who were not what they professed to be.
As a young boy, my xnph was coddled and spoiled by his mother and older sister (no father). They felt sorry for him (he has a handicap)and believed that everyone was mean to him and they tried to “make it up to him” by indulging him. He learned to manipulate women and use guilt as a tool of extortion. He is an expert now. The “pity play” is a major distinguishing tactic of sociopaths and no one employs it better than him.
After we married, he moved into my home — from his mother’s (well, there is red flag!). I thought I had to continue the special treatment or I would be a mean, bad wife. I bought it. I thought I was being good and noble, self-sacrificing. That was my co-dependency.
He was such a good manipulator, I didn’t even know I was being used and manipulated (like a puppet) until about 2 decades into our “marriage.” I put the word marriage in quotes because it was a joke at my expense.
I, like you, Undertheradar, was the faithful, dutiful, devoted homemaker — my purpose in life was to help him and make him look good. I was successful. But, it went to his head. I unwittingly fed his grandiosity and narcissism. And, when he was strong and I was a heap, that is when he struck to destroy me. He tried, oh, how he tried! But, here I am.
When I started to see the light about him and our marriage (after a couple of graduate classes in Professional Counseling), I began to stand my ground, to speak up to him. That changed the dynamics of our “relationship”.
But, I could not live in the lies anymore. I didn’t care how much hell I had to get, I had to get out from under the house of lies he built. I was drowning, dying. I made a vow, I would not live like that anymore, come what may. I think that is the day that the chains fell off and my deliverance was set in motion.
Well, he could not abide his puppet to have a voice. That was not to be tolerated! His N supply was getting compromised; so, he nefariously set-up a new, better, and much younger and very naïve source. She (the OW) was the means to my escape. Now she is the victim.
Sometimes I feel sorry for her, for him…but, their choices are their own. They are married to each other now.
But, what kind of life is that going to be? A marriage made in hell. A life, a marriage built on treachery, deceit, fraud, lies, theft and adultery. You just can’t get good fruit from a rotten tree. A house can’t stand if it is built on quicksand. One can’t get blessed by wicked choices. You can’t have love in your home if it has been forged by hate. Can’t happen.
It is when the NPs are held to account that they feel it. It is the responsibility of sane, good people to say “no” to them and not further their evil. Just say “NO.”
I have not seen that holding them to account changes them, but at least we (as former victims) can get free. My hope is that one day circumstances will come to bear so heavy against him that he will crumble enough for him to cry out to God and repent. Circumstances can either crush him into hell or drive him to God for deliverance from himself.
Sometimes I still cry for him and his choices. Other times, I am so infuriated at how he treated me and still is…
But, I am no longer taking responsibility for him and his choices. It is all on him. Let the house he built tumble down on him. It will.
My sanity comes from trusting God with my future and trusting God to deal with him. But — that is A CERTAINTY — one way or another.
Hi girls
I had a triumph! One issue has been put to bed!
I took myself off to hospital yesterday to have my heart checked out. I am in flight or fight mode so constantly running on adrenalin which is increasing my heart rate and blood pressure – you can imagine what I was thinking – heart attack in the making!
Anyway, my ears were thumping with my heartbeat and it had escalated to pounding headache and fear on fear, I was having anxiety about the anxiety! The Dr’s gave me the “all clear” and dissolved one of the fears I had so I spent a whole night thump free ★
Lesson to me in trusting my instincts and following through because now I couldn’t be more grateful to those heroes for eliminating one of my fears – now onto the next one – how to stay alive when the spath finds out that I sank his ship…
Keep it up…we’re all pulling for YOU!
Thanks flicka ★
Undertheradar: Congratulations on your victory! Kudos to you!
I think we get so diminished and disabled by them, that we are afraid to take care of ourselves. If they did not value a treasure, at least, let us.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. We get stronger when we face our fears and press through.
If he finds out that “you sunk his ship” — so what? He is going to be angry at you no matter what because you escaped his clutches. Expect his anger but don’t let it trap you or trick you into moving in a direction you don’t want. Observe, don’t absorb.
You can do this. You are stronger than you think!!!
Saneandfree
At times during my life I’ve been the strongest woman I’ve ever met but this one is a little freaky…
I’ll fill you all in when the investigation is over but for now I just have to stay under the radar in case he’s watching, not that I suspect he is but just to be sure.
I know I’ve got the most wonderful support group here and I hold you all with high regard so thanks again!
At the height of my stress during my divorce from my sociopath ex, my doctor told me I had a heart arrhythmia that could cause me to drop dead with sudden death. As I had had and recovered from serious stress-related illnesses in the past (that was not my first stress rodeo), I figured it was probably more the stress than any structural cardiovascular disease. I vowed to check later after the stress had passed.
I’m glad I waited. Four years after the divorce, and after things had finally calmed down, I had a very thorough physical exam and involved EKG for a life insurance policy, and all was fine — totally normal! So, stress can do these things. Don’t stress and panic about the stress.
Escapefor1
I’m so glad you shared your story because that is going to be my only focus from now – one day it won’t be happening and I’ll be back to normal!
My emotional “emancipation” began one evening after work, as I was preparing something to eat! Suddenly it dawned on me that, out of habit, I had unthinkingly turned on the t.v. to something I personally had no interest in. From that “light bulb” moment on, I questioned ALL my choices; were they truly mine or ones which others had imposed on me? That was the moment when I gradually regained my former (pre-spath) self and my self esteem, my integrity and honesty.
Also my mantra became “The Man In The Glass”……..
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
and the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.
For it isn’t your father or mother or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass.
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.
Some people might think you’re a straight-shooting chum,
and call you a wonderful guy.
But the man in the glass says you’re only a bum,
If you can’t look him straight in the eye.
He’s the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
For he’s with you clear up to the end.
And you’ve passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the guy in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
and get pats on the back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you’ve cheated the man in the glass.
You two girls speak so eloquently and precisely for all of us! May all our wishes for your happiness be always with you!
Flicka: You are very kind; thank you and blessings on your life!
I really liked your poem “The Man in the Glass.” If we could put that poem in front of us every day and just consider our ways, we would make right choices and have good outcomes. If we would just consider our end…it would help us make better, wiser choices to be what we would desire to be at the end of our lives.
I think that with the spaths, there is a serious disconnect in their lives, hearts and minds. They can’t seem to (or don’t want to) connect the dots. Someone once said that “You can lead a Narcissist to water, but he can’t see his reflection.” So true!
Awareness that I have somehow been graced to want to live right, that I have been spared from a heart of hate is humbling. I don’t understand how or why it is that I am not like my heartless xnph. When I think back, I was not always so caring. I was selfish. But, by the grace of God, I am not what I was and I am not like my xnph. But, I realize that I might have been if I had chosen selfish greed, bitterness, envy, contempt and hatred. The temptation is ever hovering.
But, I think that is what separates us from them. We choose not to hate, we strive to forgive, we want to love. For them — they choose the evil over good. For me, that is a mystery. They just can’t see their doom, their disastrous, very sad, lonely end.
Hello all!
I so look forward to the articles that come into my inbox. This one, “watching the sociopath self-destruct”, completely caught my interest.
I am just over 2 years post spath, and it has been an incredibly difficult journey. I am STILL struggling along. I cannot seem to release my anger and wanting to see him self destruct, although he is doing just that.
Once I escaped him, thousands of miles away, I filed a lawsuit against him for fraud among other things. I have won all motions to date, even having his assets frozen, however it is not over yet. Through the courts, it keeps dragging on. We are about to file for Summary Judgement. He has been caught, so to speak, and exposed, but my gosh, his smear campaigns are incredible! I have read that ‘you will never win with a narcissist’. I know I will win in court, however, the scope of the damage he has done to me and my family is completely off the scale! Something, I believe we as a family will never recover from. Things will never be the same again. I am obsessed, even still, with exposing him further and potentially having him arrested. He believes he is omnipotent, and over the years, has been. I read posts and think something is wrong with me for being so rabid in wanting this man to totally self destruct. He, when caught, just seeks out new supply, and gets it. I have so much anger. This is not me. I struggle with my anger and cannot move beyond it. I am stuck here. I don’t hate anyone, but him. I hate him. For the first time in my 50 years, I know the feelings of hate and revenge.
I like to think when my court case is over, and I have my money back, all will be wonderful again and I will have my life back. Realistically, my life will never be the same again from having him in it. I do not feel safe in trusting, even myself anymore. I know I need to, but cannot dig deep enough yet, to find me again.
Right now, I think, I’ve given spath enough rope to self-destruct. I understand though that these disordered individuals are capable of skillfully and cunningly distorting truths and stopping at nothing to destroy those they once love-bombed to death.
Thanks for listening.
Hugs!
R
Hi, Soon-to-Get-Your-Fleece Back,
I could really relate to your post. I am still embroiled in court actions, ad nauseum. If I stop to think about it, it can be very infuriating. It is all so unnecessary, so unfair, so cruel and hateful.
The slander and outright lies have been the hardest to deal with. When we went to court for the divorce, I was still in denial, so when he assaulted me to humiliate me and twist history (he acted as pro se) I was in shock. Stunned. And hurt to the core.
That was 2 years ago. I have had lots of time to research personality disorders and re-group. It has been so much to get my mind around. I think one of the hardest parts was to realize that he NEVER EVER loved me at all. It was all a façade. What kind of monster does that? Lovefraud is the lowest of the low. They use something sacred to “fleece” us. That is not only despicable; it is demonic.
Focusing on them and what they did and are doing can eat up our lives. We can become like Ahab going after Moby Dick. But, we want to survive and have a life after this.
That being said, I also am in the “holding my xnph to account” stage. All during the 2 decade + so-called “marriage” I yielded and rolled over. I enabled him and unwittingly gave him respectable cover.
Now that I know who and what he is, I want others to know as well. Not so much for revenge, but so that he is discovered. Let him be found out and hated. Let others be warned. Let his games, cheats and frauds be exposed. Let his house of lies tumble down. Whatever it takes.
If it takes career failure, arrests, whatever…but, I do not delude myself that my xnph will change. If he got jail time, he would use it as “finishing school.” I used to hope that my xnph would come to his senses and change — if he were broken enough. It doesn’t seem to happen for “them”; that epiphany only happens to normal human beings.
You are right, they always seem to find new victims. Even Ted Bundy had women writing to him in prison wanting to marry him.
I have gotten so much mud slung at me, it is not to be believed. And, that used to crush me. And, he played that fear of mine — about his anger and withholding affection — he used that against me. How low is that?
He would guilt trip me to manipulate me. He still tries by writing e-mails to my attorney in hopes that I will see them and it will push my buttons. Sometimes I see them (and they are low!) and they upset me, but I hold fast to NO CONTACT. He gets no response from me. NC also means that we don’t fester about them. That is hard when we are still in the courts.
We have an upcoming hearing and my xnph will once again act as pro se and get to “interrogate” me. I hate his voice and his face and his person and what he tries to do. So I have to really prepare to stand firm and not be moved. I pray for grace.
It will be a victory to let him see that I am unaffected by his tactics. So far, it has been a mercy as the hearing has been postponed 4 times already. It kills them when we are indifferent.
The good news for us is that they do self-destruct. We just have to stand back and watch (at a safe distance, LOL). Their lies will come back on them like a boomerang. The hole that they dug for us — they will fall into it. And, the stone they set rolling to crush us, will roll back and crush them.
Evil is its own reward and punishment.
Trusting anyone again is hard. They did some serious damage in that arena. But, because we have learned something important about life (the reality of evil) we will go forward wiser and more cautiously. When a bone has been broken and set and has healed, it is much stronger at the break than anywhere else.
I truly believe that if we hold onto good, we can and will overcome. Good does overcome evil in that way. Evil cannot touch good. Good has a protective force field around it.
As for the damage done…you have probably heard this…there was a farmer who had a donkey and the farmer decided to kill him. But, the farmer didn’t want to waste a bullet, so he threw the donkey into a well.
Everyday the farmer would come and throw his trash into the well on top of the donkey.
The donkey would just shake off the garbage and step on top of it.
Day after day this continued. The farmer would throw trash into the well on top of the donkey; the donkey would shake it off and climb on top of the growing mound of trash.
One day the farmer threw in some trash, but it was so close to the top of the well, that when the donkey shook it off and stomped on it, he was high enough to just walk out.
And, that is what we can do: shake it off, stomp on it, and climb up and out.
Hugs!
Saneandfree
You are so wise! Evil truly is its own reward and punishment!
Fleeced
Good name and oh how it sings the song of your situation.
Hate and revenge are not your strong suit! Your strengths lie in compassion and love! The reason you’re struggling with it is because you (and all of us to some degree) it goes against everything you are on an emotional level. You want to hate, you want revenge, but ultimately this is what is causing the feelings you so desperately want to rid yourself of…
Please don’t get me wrong here honey because I’m on your side, but these foreign attitudes towards the sociopaths, just make us feel bed because they don’t resonate with our true selves.
I’m trying to live as authenticity (myself) as possible, without buying into the drama my spath has caused. I need to bring forth my truth and let him suffer at his own hands, let him live out his own karma and try not to play in it myself as this causes disharmony in my system. I’M TRYING! One day at a time…
I know this may sound a little hypocritical as I’ve had a hospital visit from an undercurrent of fear but, I know how all this works on an intellectual level and with practice I’ll sure I’ll get my mind and emotions to connect one day soon…lol 😉
Good luck with everything honey but try and stay as true to yourself as possible – once you become them, you cannot be defended…