By Peggywhoever
Welcome to Lovefraud Land! Again, welcome. Cyber handshake.. (Smile).
This is not a vacation location. But it is a destination. You can find your path to healing here.
Tell me, you Googled the word “Sociopath.” You have just ended a most painful relationship. Or rather, THEY ended the relationship. And you are left as an emotional shipwreck.
See how many adjectives apply. Hurt. Betrayed. Confused. Damaged. State of Disbelief. Questioning them. Questioning you. Questioning everyone. Questioning everything. Why? Why? Why? What is going on here?
You have come to the right place. Having come out of the most bizarre, twisted and contorted relationship of your life as though you were an emotional contortionist, you will find answers. And peace.
You have been abused, perhaps for the first time, and perhaps you have a lifetime of abuse. You are in pain. You can barely function. It is difficult to get out of bed in the morning. You feel frozen. You can barely make the effort to eat. Sound familiar? You are sick”¦emotionally sick, physically sick, sick to the core of your psyche.
Being in a relationship with a Sociopath takes everything you hold dear”¦your values, your code of ethics, your trust in love, honor, and commitment and turns them upside down. And then they are stomped on. Your body is on alert, you may have feelings of depression, anxiety, paranoia, as well as PTSD symptoms. You can barely function at your job… Your friends and family are tired of hearing your story. Nobody understands. Nobody listens. You feel that nobody cares.
Well, at Lovefraud Land, we DO care. You have friends now. New friends. People who have walked in your shoes. You have friends who will listen, REALLY listen to you and help advise you. Free counseling. Not necessarily from licensed professionals, but people who are seasoned and licensed in the game of life.
Because, to a sociopath it is a game. A one-sided game. They win, you lose. They are the victims. Always. You can never play the game right. The rules change as soon as you figure it out.
You are never enough. Were never enough. You were not bright enough, handsome/pretty enough, clever and witty enough, attractive enough, enough, ENOUGH!
It is not about you. It was never about you. It is about them. Everything, EVERYTHING about a Sociopath revolves around them. Always has, always will.
YOU WERE ALWAYS ENOUGH.
What is about you is your ”¦ well, YOUNESS! Your uniqueness. You were chosen, targeted even by a sociopath for your intrinsic goodness. Your loving heart, compassionate nature, blind trust, and helpfulness were strong factors in them choosing you as a victim.
You cannot change a sociopath. Ever. You cannot fix them. The best thing you can do is STAY AWAY FROM THEM. Always. Forever. This is known at Lovefraud Land as NC (No contact).. That means no face-to-face contact, no telephone conversations, no e-mail, no text messaging, NOTHING. Because any contact with them will only bring you pain.
Oh, and the obsessing. Thinking of them night and day. Day and night. Over and over and over until you feel like you are watching the same video in your head. And the ruminating (another Lovefraud word) ”¦ which relates to the obsessing and constantly thinking “what if” or how much you love and miss them and how wonderful they were and “what if” you had only done this or that?
Well, nothing, NOTHING you could have done would have changed anything. Or fixed anything. You are left with”¦you. And you will learn to understand yourself, and love yourself, and appreciate yourself in a way you never have before.
It is a journey, this seeking the answers, this journey of understanding, a journey torward physical, emotional, and spiritual health. Your new friends will walk with you and hold your hand.
Welcome. Welcome to Lovefraud Land. Cyber handshake. (Smile).
Peace
Peggywhoever
Indigoblue
If I had only GOTTEN HERE SOONER ! LOVE jere
stormee
Thanks for that essay Peggy(whoever)… I also wish (like Indigo) I had gotten here a lot sooner, your essay tells my story and everyone’s story… May God bless all of us in our recoveries….
Ox Drover
Dear Peggy,
So wonderfully phrased, and so TRUE!!!! Donna, if there was a way to post this “welcome” message where it would be seen by all newcomers, and not have it get buried in the archives, i vote for that! So that every new person coming here can read this wonderful welcome as soon as they arrive!
Indigoblue
How about Lovefraud Billboards ? My Radio station has BillBoards here in Orlando Zradio.com there slogan is safe for the little ears, I want a new slogan Music for your Soul!
blondie
that is exactly how it all feels…..
kerisee04
Ahhh, the journey back to peace… It can’t be replaced.
Gemini_Fairy
This couldn’t have come at a better time. My ex just contacted me after 2 months of NC. I got to the phone just as it stopped ringing (didn’t recognize the number). It’s amazing to me that now that I know that he’s a sociopath I can hear him so much clearer. The sob story. The I just want to talk with you. I was that close to answering. Yet I was/am still feeling that nagging. I know that I cannot call him back but I feel so curious. I’m feeling a bit anxious. Felt like I was going to hypervenillate (spelling?) just seeing his phone number.
How is it that they provoke that kind of reaction? Someone get the skillet and give me a pre-boink to keep me from calling.
Stargazer
BOINK! Do NOT give in. The addiction will wear off. I promise.
Stargazer
Here are some thoughts I have been having today about forgiveness and letting go of sociopaths in our lives:
After having slept with one and fallen in love with him, reading lots of literature, and blogging on this site, I have come to some conclusions. Sociopaths are missing a very important piece of human equipment–a conscience. If you or I were missing a conscience, how would we behave? Exactly like they would. You cannot expect a person without a conscience to behave the same way as a person with a conscience any more than you would expect a one-legged man to run a marathon. A sociopath cannot get rehabilitated in therapy any more than a person with no eyes can have their sight restored. Expecting a sociopath to reason, think, or communicate like a normal person is like expecting a snake to act like a cat. I love my snakes. They trust me and know who I am. And yet when they’re hungry, they STILL strike at me!
How did the sociopath lose his/her conscience? Does it matter? Maybe they were born without it. Or maybe there was childhood trauma. The point is, they don’t have it. And therefore they are harmful and dangerous people.
There is no point in hanging onto anger toward them for being who they are and doing what they do, any more than it would make sense to get angry at a snake for striking or a scorpion for stinging. It’s WHAT THEY DO. That’s why I say it’s not personal, even though it feels very personal when you’ve been victimized.
To me, this acceptance of what my ex is has helped me to forgive him. That doesn’t mean I feel sorry for him and want to help him. I don’t think he can be helped. But I see him for what he is. As much as I would love that fairy tale romance, why would I invite someone back in my life that I KNOW will hurt me? It’s easier to see it like this when you’ve been in NC for a while, though. So if you are not ready to forgive, be kind to yourselves.
Peace out,
StarG
Wini
I don’t know StarG, I think they just don’t have the tools to step back and see the overall picture through life, therefore, do not have any tools to problem solve.
Everything everyone bloggs about, seems to be desperate actions on all of their EXs part.
Desperate not to be a father or a mother … desperate acts of not paying their bills, desperate acts of not being faithful (hey, my first roller coaster ride gave it up and said “the reason he dated so many women at the same time was because if one find out what he was truly all about [insecure person and the rest of the negativity attributes he built up in his own mind] they’d leave him. Not wanting to ever be left alone or left behind (too insecure to make it in life on his (their) own), he always had more than one relationship going at the same time … so if he got tossed out of one … he’d have his backup relationships to take his mind off of any pain he’d need to endure … plus, being lonely or alone …
I think they all have this negative fear.
Just as my Dad taught me to step back from a problem, look at the bigger picture, instead of myopically being in pain over it … sleep on it … which gave me more time to ponder about more details to the situation … showed me that he cared about me, gave me tools to work with to solve my own problems (which built my self esteem)… allowed me to work through what I first saw as bigger and therefore, myopically … I was allowed to step back and see the bigger picture which ends up showing a more positive side or different view of what you original thought/saw/comprehended … etc.
Do our EXs have these skills? … I wouldn’t bet on it.
How many parents out there even think to take the time out to teach their children how to step back and see a bigger picture to their problems?
I believe they don’t have any tools in their tool belt of life. You have to learn these lessons as you go down righteous paths in life … gather another tool (wisdom) as you go …
The Bible even tells us that “Fools do not listen to wisdom”.
Peace.