By Peggywhoever
Welcome to Lovefraud Land! Again, welcome. Cyber handshake.. (Smile).
This is not a vacation location. But it is a destination. You can find your path to healing here.
Tell me, you Googled the word “Sociopath.” You have just ended a most painful relationship. Or rather, THEY ended the relationship. And you are left as an emotional shipwreck.
See how many adjectives apply. Hurt. Betrayed. Confused. Damaged. State of Disbelief. Questioning them. Questioning you. Questioning everyone. Questioning everything. Why? Why? Why? What is going on here?
You have come to the right place. Having come out of the most bizarre, twisted and contorted relationship of your life as though you were an emotional contortionist, you will find answers. And peace.
You have been abused, perhaps for the first time, and perhaps you have a lifetime of abuse. You are in pain. You can barely function. It is difficult to get out of bed in the morning. You feel frozen. You can barely make the effort to eat. Sound familiar? You are sick”¦emotionally sick, physically sick, sick to the core of your psyche.
Being in a relationship with a Sociopath takes everything you hold dear”¦your values, your code of ethics, your trust in love, honor, and commitment and turns them upside down. And then they are stomped on. Your body is on alert, you may have feelings of depression, anxiety, paranoia, as well as PTSD symptoms. You can barely function at your job… Your friends and family are tired of hearing your story. Nobody understands. Nobody listens. You feel that nobody cares.
Well, at Lovefraud Land, we DO care. You have friends now. New friends. People who have walked in your shoes. You have friends who will listen, REALLY listen to you and help advise you. Free counseling. Not necessarily from licensed professionals, but people who are seasoned and licensed in the game of life.
Because, to a sociopath it is a game. A one-sided game. They win, you lose. They are the victims. Always. You can never play the game right. The rules change as soon as you figure it out.
You are never enough. Were never enough. You were not bright enough, handsome/pretty enough, clever and witty enough, attractive enough, enough, ENOUGH!
It is not about you. It was never about you. It is about them. Everything, EVERYTHING about a Sociopath revolves around them. Always has, always will.
YOU WERE ALWAYS ENOUGH.
What is about you is your ”¦ well, YOUNESS! Your uniqueness. You were chosen, targeted even by a sociopath for your intrinsic goodness. Your loving heart, compassionate nature, blind trust, and helpfulness were strong factors in them choosing you as a victim.
You cannot change a sociopath. Ever. You cannot fix them. The best thing you can do is STAY AWAY FROM THEM. Always. Forever. This is known at Lovefraud Land as NC (No contact).. That means no face-to-face contact, no telephone conversations, no e-mail, no text messaging, NOTHING. Because any contact with them will only bring you pain.
Oh, and the obsessing. Thinking of them night and day. Day and night. Over and over and over until you feel like you are watching the same video in your head. And the ruminating (another Lovefraud word) ”¦ which relates to the obsessing and constantly thinking “what if” or how much you love and miss them and how wonderful they were and “what if” you had only done this or that?
Well, nothing, NOTHING you could have done would have changed anything. Or fixed anything. You are left with”¦you. And you will learn to understand yourself, and love yourself, and appreciate yourself in a way you never have before.
It is a journey, this seeking the answers, this journey of understanding, a journey torward physical, emotional, and spiritual health. Your new friends will walk with you and hold your hand.
Welcome. Welcome to Lovefraud Land. Cyber handshake. (Smile).
Peace
Peggywhoever
Trinity, I was just thinking about a dream I had a while ago. I dreamt I had fallen deeply in love with a man. He turned out to be some horrible dictator who murdered people. When I found out, I couldn’t leave him because I loved him so much. Though the actual sociopath I dated was not a murderer (I dont’ think), pathological liars are very dangerous people. I think when you love someone and become bonded with them, it breaks your heart to break contact with them. However, in the case of a sociopath, you have no choice but to save yourself and walk away. You did the right thing.
Hi Trinity. If you don’t mind me asking. What is your story? As you can see by my post I relapsed with mine and had my first contact in 2 months. All I can say is keep up the NC. It’s in your best interest.
Welcome to My parlor Said the Spider to the fly
Anyone wana Play Russian Rulet?Oh but I use two guns one mine and one for you, Ofcourse mines Loaded !!!!!!
Trinity: My 1st roller coaster ride used to pop over my place for years after we broke up for good. There was no relationship except for an odd friendship he was trying to bond with me.
He liked the fact that I never tried to make him jealous by parading a new date around him or come looking for him or calling, writing … anything. I just went cold turkey, NO CONTACT before I even knew you were no to have contact with them for our own sanity sake.
Anyway, long story short … from his mouth, he confided in me and said “if anyone broke up with me for no good reason, or cheated on me, I would never, ever take them back … and I don’t know why you women give us guys a second chance?”. True conversation out of the mouth of a Narcissist.
Notice he states he doesn’t know why women give them second chances? No clue what love is all about, so why would he give a woman a second chance.
But, he did know 100% of women, up until he met me, would give him a 2nd, 3rd, 4th … infinity chances … hence, why the curiosity about me? What was it with me that wasn’t playing the old game that he knew like the back of his hand?
One, I didn’t know it was a game and was protecting myself from a man that did me wrong, no matter what that initial wrong was.
Two, I had many women friends that couldn’t believe that I didn’t meet other men like this before this one? What, did I live in a vacuum? My friends knew about the games in relationships since their teenage years, and here at almost 30, I’m finding it out for the first time. Not that I didn’t know what friends went through, I just never experienced it (lucky I guess that I dated real people before this roller coaster ride).
That’s the time a friend gave me the book “Narcissism, Denial of the True Self” … this book explained them in a nutshell to me. I then read so many other books about dysfunctional people …
To finish this up, its irrelevant what his problem is, if he had a terrible childhood, a first girlfriend hurt him s deeply he’s taken revenge out on everyone else he should date … stay away from him, because if it were reverse, and you were hurt (like you are now) are you going to go out in life, meet new people, date them and hurt them anyway you can? I know you won’t. Therefore, anything they tell us to justify what they do to hurt … is NO EXCUSE … for bad behavior.
I had so many people in my life hurt and destroy me. Do you think I would ever turn around and do this in the future to another person just to set the status quo straight? Absolutely, positively, NOT. It’s called responsibility of who you are as a person. It’s your ethics and character of who and what you are as a person. It is your handshake, your word, your bond with others in the world.
I have a right to be a mature, responsible, educated, intelligent, loving, kind, decent, considerate, compassionate (etc. etc. etc.) person and if the likes of our EXs don’t like it or don’t get it, or don’t care … too bad.
No Contact … he already showed you a glimpse of the irresponsible character he is … you don’t need to find out more … he will just take you further into his abyss of how he views life. They don’t like how their life is going … change it.
Peace.
Gemini, my twin!:
everything is fine. just go back to NC and start again.
don’t beat yourself up. it’s so easy to be taken in by them.
my ex called yesterday after 14 weeks of NC. i didn’t answer. he left a message saying he ”needed my advice.” what a joke. let him get advice from his wife or his other girlfriend or the devil. at first, i got curious and wanted to call back. i got excited. he called! then, i listened to the message a bunch of times. he sounded nuts. confused. trying too hard to say what he thought would get me going. i blogged here. got advice. now i don’t give a crap. and i move on with NC once again.
just don’t answer the phone anymore if you don’t know the number. forgive yourself for this tiny regression.
No Contact.
he KNOWS you are still weak. he doesn’t want to give you the time or space to be strong and say, ”DROP DEAD” when he calls. they know all, these pods, so don’t give him another drop of fuel.
No Contact.
Now, go do something fun! and have a blessed day.
lostingrief: You EX is angry that all his DUCKS aren’t in a row.
You’re the duck that got out of the pond …
Good for you, keeping the NO CONTACT going.
Stay cool.
Peace.
Thank you for the direction. I am not in life threatening danger. My sanity and emotions is what her target has always been. For the past 2 months I have been doing everything that I can to avoid her. Because of this, her latest lie to “get to me” was to tell me she was pregnant. Inside my thoughts, I was desperately praying she wasn’t. My god, that would be a disaster for an innocent baby. But my gut instincts were telling me she wasn’t pregnant and she was lying. As far as I have found out, she is not.
Jump back 3 months…She was living w/me. She started taking off for days, just after her 17th birthday. (I was led to believe she was adhd and possibly bipolar(when she was 14). There was a diagnosis of anti-personality disorder but I was not sure if that was correct, given that she was in counselling only 6 months and was VERY resistant. I believed she was manipulating, so they couldn’t get proper diagnosis as well).
I was concerned for her safety. I was able to get a court order within an hr for the police to take her to a hospital for evaluation. Her father (who is her biggest supporter and influencer of the BAD behavior, and I also believe is a sociopath.)Tried to intervene the police and have my daughter meet him someplace. The police (who didnt even want to bother with this, but had to because of court order)got my daughter and we went to the hospital. While there, she lied and manipulated the therapist. She told the therapist she was molested. (This lie I have already disproven) This took the therapist in another direction and I realized at this point that anything I try to do to help my daughter is futile. She has lied and manipulated. I didn’t have many choices given to me and decided to bring her back home. It was then I decided to give up. She moved back in w/her dad. And since then, has been doing everything she can to get some kind of reaction out of me. I have tried for yrs to get her help. Each and every time, it was prevented by her father, or my daughters lies to therapists. There was a time when she was 7 that I could have moved far away from her fathers sociopath influence, but I didn’t, because I don’t believe in taking kids from their fathers. I just wish I had known that his influence was actually going to be the key to her illness. This was HIS whole plan. To have a replica of himself. He has stated this proudly.
This is all that I am trying to cope with. My hatred for him for teaching my daughter that everything she is doing is good.(sex, drugs,lying, stealing, using people,not going to school…etc)This should be a punishable crime for what he has done! My pain and how to deal with losing my daughter that I gave everything for. I have 4 kids. She is my youngest. I spent all my energy raising her,because of everything she was doing, and neglected the good kids.
I don’t have insurance, so seeing a counsellor myself is not gonna happen. I am just trying to deal with this the best that I can. But I have been crying for 2 days. I know crying may be therapeutic…but then what??
Dear Tria,
I too am the mother of a psychopath that was out of control by age 17, and belivee me, Tria, if you had moved away by age 7, your daughter would STILL BE what she is. If you had taken her to every counselor in the world, she would STILL BE what she is..
YOU ARE ****NOT***** TO BLAME. Get that, write it down 1000 times, say it over and over, you are NOT to blame. I am not to blame for my son’s choices. NO ONE influenced my son, he had a good upbringing. HE CHOSE TO BE WHAT HE IS, and there is some genetic tendency that way, but you could not have averted it by force. IT IS IMPORTANT TO YOUR HEALING (and YOUR healing is all you can focus on) that you realize you are NOT TO BLAME.
A counselor might help you , and it might not, but let me tell you that THIS BLOG IS A HEALING PLACE, there are counselors on here (professional) and also counselors that are just other people who have lived through the same HELL ON EARTH that you have—I am one of those.
Yes, your daughter wants to punish you for trying to help her, but YOU CANNOT HELP HER, you cannot fix her, your only option is to STAY COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTACT WITH HER, NO CONTACT. I had people tell me that and I was not willing to listen, I didn’t see NO CONTACT as an option, and I kept on trying to fix him, even after he went to prison for murder, I kept up a HOPE for him that was UNREALISTIC and NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. He used this hope to torture me for another 20 years because I loved him. I know you love your daughter, you did the best you could, but your best, my best, and ANYONE’S BEST would not have saved your daughter. She is a LOST CAUSE. I know that hurts.
One of the threads here has a saying that is so true, “The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off” and that is so true, and it will also hurt you, but if you accept the TRUTH no matter how bitter, you can start to heal, but until you accept the TRUTH you just keep being reinjured. (((((hugs)))) My prayers for your healing are continual, and it was only after I accepted the truth that my son hates me, that he enoys making me suffer, that he wants me dead so he can inherit my assets, and that there is NO HOPE FOR HIM, and I went NO CONTACT, was I able to even start to heal, to get rid of the horrible pain I endured for so many many years.
I’m alilve now, I have a LIFE, a life I never had before, because I too gave him my entire life for so many decades, but now I am going to enjoy and live the life that God gave me, and not throw it away on a “lost cause.” God bless you!
Tri: I know what I am going to say isn’t going to help you at this time in your life, but, your daughter is a very selfish young lady, no matter what she was diagnosed as.
She’s plays both you and her father to get you to react. Good reactions or bad reactions doesn’t matter as long as she’s pulling the strings.
I personally, would let her hit rock bottom, and sit back and see if she can help rebuild herself, other than that, she’ll continue to manipulate you every time she gets the chance …
If you do ignore her, most likely she’ll latch onto someone else she can manipulate and play… 1st person that comes to my mind is her dad, who deserves her since it looks by what you wrote, he groomed her to be this selfish.
Life is amusing to her, as long as she’s in control. When she feels she’s not in control, out comes her bag of tricks … the desperate techniques that she’s pregnant, she was molested, etc. etc. etc.
A good site to read pertaining to givers and takers is:
http://www.abusefacts.com/articles/Givers-Takers.php
Your daughter definitely is a taker and has no intentions whatsoever to redeem herself and become a giver in life.
You need to step back quit a few paces so that you are not overwhelmed by all she does (you are too close to the situation because she’s your daughter).
For now, you need healing … and I wouldn’t focus on her … just look in once in a while to see that she is safe, other than that, she has free will, she will do what she wants to do … and since your husband enjoys being arrogant right along with her … let the two peas in a pod deal with each other.
Peace.
LIG – Hey Gemini Girl!!! I am trying to hang in there. I think the going back to NC isn’t as bad as the ruminating, thinking, obsessing. I’m analyzing every little thing now. I know he’s living with his mom still but suddenly I think maybe his mom moved out and gave him her place and he’s now there with the teenager who is pregnant and maybe he didn’t really lose his job and etc. etc. etc. My best friend in the whole world tells me #1 she thinks the teenager has left him a long time ago and #2 who cares.
THAT’S the part making me feel stupid. The fact is my best friend is right. Not to mention he is so self-destructive that I believe he would lose everything. Well, I must be doing a teeny bit better – the old me would have “investigated” it to get clarification.