By Peggywhoever
Welcome to Lovefraud Land! Again, welcome. Cyber handshake.. (Smile).
This is not a vacation location. But it is a destination. You can find your path to healing here.
Tell me, you Googled the word “Sociopath.” You have just ended a most painful relationship. Or rather, THEY ended the relationship. And you are left as an emotional shipwreck.
See how many adjectives apply. Hurt. Betrayed. Confused. Damaged. State of Disbelief. Questioning them. Questioning you. Questioning everyone. Questioning everything. Why? Why? Why? What is going on here?
You have come to the right place. Having come out of the most bizarre, twisted and contorted relationship of your life as though you were an emotional contortionist, you will find answers. And peace.
You have been abused, perhaps for the first time, and perhaps you have a lifetime of abuse. You are in pain. You can barely function. It is difficult to get out of bed in the morning. You feel frozen. You can barely make the effort to eat. Sound familiar? You are sick”¦emotionally sick, physically sick, sick to the core of your psyche.
Being in a relationship with a Sociopath takes everything you hold dear”¦your values, your code of ethics, your trust in love, honor, and commitment and turns them upside down. And then they are stomped on. Your body is on alert, you may have feelings of depression, anxiety, paranoia, as well as PTSD symptoms. You can barely function at your job… Your friends and family are tired of hearing your story. Nobody understands. Nobody listens. You feel that nobody cares.
Well, at Lovefraud Land, we DO care. You have friends now. New friends. People who have walked in your shoes. You have friends who will listen, REALLY listen to you and help advise you. Free counseling. Not necessarily from licensed professionals, but people who are seasoned and licensed in the game of life.
Because, to a sociopath it is a game. A one-sided game. They win, you lose. They are the victims. Always. You can never play the game right. The rules change as soon as you figure it out.
You are never enough. Were never enough. You were not bright enough, handsome/pretty enough, clever and witty enough, attractive enough, enough, ENOUGH!
It is not about you. It was never about you. It is about them. Everything, EVERYTHING about a Sociopath revolves around them. Always has, always will.
YOU WERE ALWAYS ENOUGH.
What is about you is your ”¦ well, YOUNESS! Your uniqueness. You were chosen, targeted even by a sociopath for your intrinsic goodness. Your loving heart, compassionate nature, blind trust, and helpfulness were strong factors in them choosing you as a victim.
You cannot change a sociopath. Ever. You cannot fix them. The best thing you can do is STAY AWAY FROM THEM. Always. Forever. This is known at Lovefraud Land as NC (No contact).. That means no face-to-face contact, no telephone conversations, no e-mail, no text messaging, NOTHING. Because any contact with them will only bring you pain.
Oh, and the obsessing. Thinking of them night and day. Day and night. Over and over and over until you feel like you are watching the same video in your head. And the ruminating (another Lovefraud word) ”¦ which relates to the obsessing and constantly thinking “what if” or how much you love and miss them and how wonderful they were and “what if” you had only done this or that?
Well, nothing, NOTHING you could have done would have changed anything. Or fixed anything. You are left with”¦you. And you will learn to understand yourself, and love yourself, and appreciate yourself in a way you never have before.
It is a journey, this seeking the answers, this journey of understanding, a journey torward physical, emotional, and spiritual health. Your new friends will walk with you and hold your hand.
Welcome. Welcome to Lovefraud Land. Cyber handshake. (Smile).
Peace
Peggywhoever
Trinity: Your story sounds just like mine. Control, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse, dominance, didn’t work, took my money, cheated the entire 2 yrs we were together, spit in my face, grabbed me by the throat, etc. It’s insane looking back to think I took it for so long and it’s so difficult getting over it. My ex even texted and wrote “pray for me” too. I tried to stop him and told him I won’t be in an abusive relationship and even printed out information from a website about abuse detailing the signs but he didn’t get it. The abuse continued. I think I stayed in it so long because I believed things would get better and go back to the way they were when we first met. But, that never happened. It just got worse and worse. The more I gave, the more he took….until there was nothing left. When I complained about money, he said “it’s time” and left. Left to the other woman’s house and a relationship he had established behind my back.
Trinity, think of it this way. You no longer have to be harmed by someone who claimed to love you anymore. Their sick idea of “love” is to own you and to do with you what he pleases. My ex would use the excuse that it’s in the Bible that the woman has to submit to the man. UGH. That doesn’t mean he is allowed to hurt her.
One of the last things my ex said to me was during a heated fight after I caught him cheating. He said, “I hope you find someone who loves you the way you want to be loved.” I didn’t even respond. I hung up on him. There was no sense in trying to explain how to love a person properly.
I’m 6 months post the ex and 11 days of NC and it’s best this way. I think of what the hell would I say, “you hurt me now apologize and come back to me and change??” There’s nothing to say anymore. I could never go back. Never ever to be taken for a fool again. I would just be hurting myself. Hang in there. Just think of the horrible things he did to you. That’s what helps me to have NC.
Yes Trinity, my ex Narcissist was a clever one, every bit of abuse he did to me was all in the shadows. We never once argued, but he was a passive aggressive and they have a way of getting you back in ways that you just dont realise at the time what they are doing.
Hi Beverly, that makes a lot of sense. I have been trying with all my heart to distract my mind. His b-day is tomorrow and I am feeling very anxious this weekend. I know he is expecting something even though I haven’t talked to him in a week and he lives so close. I even feel guilty for not contacting him tomorrow… even though I know I can’t and he doesn’t even deserve it after everything he has done to me. :[
Well said, Iwonder. It amazes me just how many men still have this notion that women are to serve them, and this is just a plain excuse for abuse!?!
Trinity,
My ex would say to me all of the time he should have joined the army and that he would have made a good secret service agent. Thank God he’s too old ( at least I think he is – he’s 32) plus do they let you join with a prison record. Anyway, all I can say is keep writing here and getting it out. Which is helpful at least in the process of not contacting him.
Trinity, dont worry, all these anniversaries will pass. You owe him absolutely nothing, not even one more morsel of energy, even on his birthday. You are right, he does not deserve, so tomorrow, spend the energy that you would have spent on him, on yourself – even if it is a little treat for yourself and turn the tables.
Bev,
Thank you! I think I’m going to do that. I used to leave post-it notes on my phone all of the time telling me not to call. Don’t’ answer. I’m going to have to start to do that again.
StarG – As always!!! Thank you!!!
Trinity – Stay strong!!! You don’t owe him any b-day wishes or anything. So he can expect all he wants. Don’t give it. I gave enough to mine just by talking to him and offering to be there for him. Now I’m feeling depressed and anxious about having done it when instead I should have said why don’t you go to see your “23 year old girlfriend and get it from her you @.......$%hole or your teenager. This is your fault anyway!!! ”
BUT, I didn’t so now I’m reprogramming and going back to NC.
Trying to stay strong – GemF
Dear GeminiFairy, I just posted back to you, but it didnt come up. What I was saying was that, because these relationships are so addictive, that you can divert the compulsion to answer the phone or ring him, by doing something else.
Hi Iwonder, reading your message was like reading my own words and how scary. I think I stayed so long because I also believe he could change and that he really did care and he was just going through a tough time… wait, what was so tough for him? Going out all summer and having fun? Lying to me about other girls and than luring me in saying he loved me and sleeping with me? Taking my money and letting me pay for things? What was so tough for him? Nothing. My emotions were manipulated and turned against me to make me believe I was the one at fault and I didn’t do enough. I deserved it. NO. I started fighting back and he didn’t like being questioned and got nasty real quick. I finally cut off all contact. I am so sorry you had to deal with that because I know what its like trying to pour your heart out to someone and have them make statements like you posted… nothing gets through and now we know they are unable to understand or feel our pain or love. There is nothing left to say anymore. Hang in there and keep up the no contact. I know it feels impossible but everytime he contacts me, do what I do, look in a mirror and see your beautiful face and tell yourself in the eyes, NO… you deserve to be loved. NO… he is not “real” and NO. The anxiety and hurt and tears will pass and you will feel strong for not contacting him. Hang in there and I am here to talk and thanks for sharing with me. Trinity
You know what? The Christmas holiday is going to suck this year. But at least I won’t be disappointed when I get nothing for Christmas from the ex like I did last year LOL!!
Gem: You made me laugh with your comment. When i took the car back from my ex and he was begging to keep it i said, “If ___ loves you so much, let her buy you a car! AH!” That’s what I said. HEE HEE.
Hey, StarG’s making a turkey in Denver. We should go to her place and have a feast and raise our glasses and toast to NC!! LOL!