By Peggywhoever
Welcome to Lovefraud Land! Again, welcome. Cyber handshake.. (Smile).
This is not a vacation location. But it is a destination. You can find your path to healing here.
Tell me, you Googled the word “Sociopath.” You have just ended a most painful relationship. Or rather, THEY ended the relationship. And you are left as an emotional shipwreck.
See how many adjectives apply. Hurt. Betrayed. Confused. Damaged. State of Disbelief. Questioning them. Questioning you. Questioning everyone. Questioning everything. Why? Why? Why? What is going on here?
You have come to the right place. Having come out of the most bizarre, twisted and contorted relationship of your life as though you were an emotional contortionist, you will find answers. And peace.
You have been abused, perhaps for the first time, and perhaps you have a lifetime of abuse. You are in pain. You can barely function. It is difficult to get out of bed in the morning. You feel frozen. You can barely make the effort to eat. Sound familiar? You are sick”¦emotionally sick, physically sick, sick to the core of your psyche.
Being in a relationship with a Sociopath takes everything you hold dear”¦your values, your code of ethics, your trust in love, honor, and commitment and turns them upside down. And then they are stomped on. Your body is on alert, you may have feelings of depression, anxiety, paranoia, as well as PTSD symptoms. You can barely function at your job… Your friends and family are tired of hearing your story. Nobody understands. Nobody listens. You feel that nobody cares.
Well, at Lovefraud Land, we DO care. You have friends now. New friends. People who have walked in your shoes. You have friends who will listen, REALLY listen to you and help advise you. Free counseling. Not necessarily from licensed professionals, but people who are seasoned and licensed in the game of life.
Because, to a sociopath it is a game. A one-sided game. They win, you lose. They are the victims. Always. You can never play the game right. The rules change as soon as you figure it out.
You are never enough. Were never enough. You were not bright enough, handsome/pretty enough, clever and witty enough, attractive enough, enough, ENOUGH!
It is not about you. It was never about you. It is about them. Everything, EVERYTHING about a Sociopath revolves around them. Always has, always will.
YOU WERE ALWAYS ENOUGH.
What is about you is your ”¦ well, YOUNESS! Your uniqueness. You were chosen, targeted even by a sociopath for your intrinsic goodness. Your loving heart, compassionate nature, blind trust, and helpfulness were strong factors in them choosing you as a victim.
You cannot change a sociopath. Ever. You cannot fix them. The best thing you can do is STAY AWAY FROM THEM. Always. Forever. This is known at Lovefraud Land as NC (No contact).. That means no face-to-face contact, no telephone conversations, no e-mail, no text messaging, NOTHING. Because any contact with them will only bring you pain.
Oh, and the obsessing. Thinking of them night and day. Day and night. Over and over and over until you feel like you are watching the same video in your head. And the ruminating (another Lovefraud word) ”¦ which relates to the obsessing and constantly thinking “what if” or how much you love and miss them and how wonderful they were and “what if” you had only done this or that?
Well, nothing, NOTHING you could have done would have changed anything. Or fixed anything. You are left with”¦you. And you will learn to understand yourself, and love yourself, and appreciate yourself in a way you never have before.
It is a journey, this seeking the answers, this journey of understanding, a journey torward physical, emotional, and spiritual health. Your new friends will walk with you and hold your hand.
Welcome. Welcome to Lovefraud Land. Cyber handshake. (Smile).
Peace
Peggywhoever
My Psyco did say truths and when I look back now they tell the bitter truth !
I’m not Gay – So why would he even entertain a homosexual act even one time let alone many ?
You( me ) bring this shit on yourself – I persued him , time after time I gave him chance after chance , helped him when there was no one else ! One Christmass I went and got him from under a bridge so he would’nt spend Christmass eve under that bridge !
It’s (relationship) never going to be what you want ! – A real friendship or relationship that means something , where both people mutually care for and take care of each other , loving ,
Not really a lot of Truths compard to the lies Huh?
No Balance !
LOVE jere
This is an amazing post. I could identify with each and every sentence in it.
I agree, it would be great to have it posted on the front page so that people can identify to the point why they are feeling the way they are feeling!
Yes, you completely lose yourself and have to rebuild from scratch. It is like your previous accomplishments (in which you would be proud of) doesn’t matter anymore. I guess this is a part of the devaluation going on.
What I don’t understand is how on earth could I take all that and accept all that. Accept a way of thinking that led to personal resignation? It beats me.
I suffer from an anxiety disorder (in which became far worse during and after the relationship). She actually used that to control me, what I could say and what I couldn’t. She even took my anxiety disorder personally, stating that she was a victim of it. She would each and every day discuss my disorder (and not any of all my accomplishments), telling me it was a big problem for her.
The more I gave in (feeling shame for my anxiety disorder affecting her – even though in retrospect it didn’t really affect her at all), the worse she became. Give them your little finger, and they just don’t grab your hand, they also grab your very soul, and twist it upside-down.
That is interesting…you know what my ex said he wanted most to find in a mate- WIDSOM! Maybe because he didn’t have it! A friend told me that what he saw in me was what he knew he didn’t have in himself and wanted it for himself, like the “emotional vampire”…
I read something somewhere about some people with personality disorders who have a small percentage of a conscience, they refer to this as either having one or twenty percent conscience, but not enough to function healthily. BUT, they have just enough that they end up ‘stuffing’ any latent remorse they have, and end up becoming more ‘sick’ psychologically because of it, until it eats away at them. Somehow it is comforting to think that this might happen to some with sociopathic behavior. Although surely there are those who have absolutely no conscience.
Peggywhoever you hit the nail squarely on the head.
“I think they just don’t have the tools to step back and see the overall picture through life, therefore, do not have any tools to problem solve.”
“How many parents out there even think to take the time out to teach their children how to step back and see a bigger picture to their problems?”
Wini,
As a parent of one normal child and one who is exhibiting a great deal of evidence that she has no conscience, I feel compelled to respond in support of Stargazer’s point of view/opinion regarding a lack of conscience. I know we don’t treat our children exactly the same, but when it came to character and morality, I certainly demonstrated and taught the same lessons. One of my children is loving and well-adjusted. One is extremely narcissistic and mean, and may well be a sociopath. While I respect your opinion, I just want you to know of at least my experience. I spent lots of time, even more with my troubled child than with the untroubled one, teaching my child to problem-solve on her own, and to step back and see a bigger picture to her problems. She understood my words, because I’ve heard her say them back to me. But actions speak louder than words, and hers speak volumes. I agree that she “lacks tools” to problem solve. One of those tools is a moral compass, or a conscience.
peacefulnow: Which child is older? The nice or the bad one?
My sister who is almost a year older than I hates me because I was born. Nothing more to it than jealousy and insecurity for not having my mom’s undivided attention any longer … had to share my mom with me … as well as my older siblings … but they were never an issue they were older than she and babied her. My jealous sister only focused on me… and of course, will never admit it … never mind analyze it.
If I say, red, she says blue, I say up, she says down. Always the opposite of anything we did as children, teen age years … and now as adults.
I was born the 19th of the same month, she was born on the 31st … we are the same age for a few days each year.
Her ego took off at the age of at least 1 and 1/2 years … figuring she was almost a year when I was born … give her another 6 months for the jealousy to kick in.
I’m telling everyone, it’s as simple as this … for them to get jealous and start acting out for attention.
My sister didn’t care if she got postive or negative attention. Positive attention, she gloated … negative attention, she pretended not to pay any mind … but she knew … the more she practiced it though, the more they don’t care … until it becomes second nature to them.
Wini,
I’m sorry about the situation with your older sister.
Of my children, it is the older one, by three years. But I don’t buy that her sibling rivalry/jealousy of her younger sib is the only cause of her personality disorder, if that’s where you are headed. If so, why doesn’t every older sibling suffer similarly? I am the elder of three sisters, with 4 year spacing between each of us. Yes, I was jealous of my younger sibs. But as far as I know, it didn’t result in a personality disorder. And my disordered daughter was a very sweet young child – her horns didn’t come out until adolescence. I’m not arguing that environment can’t play a role, but I believe it’s very simplistic to try to tag sociopathy/personality disorders on parenting and/or environment alone.
peacefulnow: I remember several events as a child (actually, I remember back to my first Christmas and I wasn’t even a year old yet).
I remember learning to tie my shoes. Both parents worked at getting my sister and I to tie our shoes. One loop over the other … remember? Well, my sister could do it being almost a year older, so after she learned, my parents had to keep working with me. Every morning after breakfast and getting dressed, my dad would take the time to see if I could tie my shoes on my own … in the living room, sitting on the arm to his favorite chair … I’m trying to tie my shoe successfully. My sister would stand there and be so jealous and insulting, hurry up, learn how to tie your shoes … you’re holding us up. That’s jealousy. Jealous in her mind that I was getting additional attention … away from her. Finally, I learned how to tie my shoes … but, then came to learning how to ride a two wheel bike. My sister pushed me to the side and said to our father “Daddy, she’s a year younger, you can’t teach her this year how to ride a two wheel bike, you can only teach me, I’m older”.
True story. If you have multiple children in the family, I think this bad behavior starts when they are around 1 and 1/2 and are out of control due to jealousy.
Peace.
I am the oldest of three I had my parents all to my self for six years, My sister says I warped her :)~
I was entitled to this warping you see I am all that matters the first and the last!
of course this is a bit grandieose , background genetic background, combo nature/Nurture not all one way !
Peace there is always more than meets the eye! just like the reality we percieve is’nt the True reality ! LOVE jere
peacefulnow: If they are hell bent on being jealous, how can they think of anything else … it’s a slow burn inside of them … they can smile to your face and act like nothing is bothering them … but it does.
You had a 4 year difference … there is 4 years of maturity over your siblings … so you wouldn’t be as jealous if you were closer in age. You could already tell they were younger and you weren’t as needy by the time they came into the family. Think about it … my sister is just about to turn 1 and whalla … I appear and bump her out of her title of youngest in the family?