By Peggywhoever
Welcome to Lovefraud Land! Again, welcome. Cyber handshake.. (Smile).
This is not a vacation location. But it is a destination. You can find your path to healing here.
Tell me, you Googled the word “Sociopath.” You have just ended a most painful relationship. Or rather, THEY ended the relationship. And you are left as an emotional shipwreck.
See how many adjectives apply. Hurt. Betrayed. Confused. Damaged. State of Disbelief. Questioning them. Questioning you. Questioning everyone. Questioning everything. Why? Why? Why? What is going on here?
You have come to the right place. Having come out of the most bizarre, twisted and contorted relationship of your life as though you were an emotional contortionist, you will find answers. And peace.
You have been abused, perhaps for the first time, and perhaps you have a lifetime of abuse. You are in pain. You can barely function. It is difficult to get out of bed in the morning. You feel frozen. You can barely make the effort to eat. Sound familiar? You are sick”¦emotionally sick, physically sick, sick to the core of your psyche.
Being in a relationship with a Sociopath takes everything you hold dear”¦your values, your code of ethics, your trust in love, honor, and commitment and turns them upside down. And then they are stomped on. Your body is on alert, you may have feelings of depression, anxiety, paranoia, as well as PTSD symptoms. You can barely function at your job… Your friends and family are tired of hearing your story. Nobody understands. Nobody listens. You feel that nobody cares.
Well, at Lovefraud Land, we DO care. You have friends now. New friends. People who have walked in your shoes. You have friends who will listen, REALLY listen to you and help advise you. Free counseling. Not necessarily from licensed professionals, but people who are seasoned and licensed in the game of life.
Because, to a sociopath it is a game. A one-sided game. They win, you lose. They are the victims. Always. You can never play the game right. The rules change as soon as you figure it out.
You are never enough. Were never enough. You were not bright enough, handsome/pretty enough, clever and witty enough, attractive enough, enough, ENOUGH!
It is not about you. It was never about you. It is about them. Everything, EVERYTHING about a Sociopath revolves around them. Always has, always will.
YOU WERE ALWAYS ENOUGH.
What is about you is your ”¦ well, YOUNESS! Your uniqueness. You were chosen, targeted even by a sociopath for your intrinsic goodness. Your loving heart, compassionate nature, blind trust, and helpfulness were strong factors in them choosing you as a victim.
You cannot change a sociopath. Ever. You cannot fix them. The best thing you can do is STAY AWAY FROM THEM. Always. Forever. This is known at Lovefraud Land as NC (No contact).. That means no face-to-face contact, no telephone conversations, no e-mail, no text messaging, NOTHING. Because any contact with them will only bring you pain.
Oh, and the obsessing. Thinking of them night and day. Day and night. Over and over and over until you feel like you are watching the same video in your head. And the ruminating (another Lovefraud word) ”¦ which relates to the obsessing and constantly thinking “what if” or how much you love and miss them and how wonderful they were and “what if” you had only done this or that?
Well, nothing, NOTHING you could have done would have changed anything. Or fixed anything. You are left with”¦you. And you will learn to understand yourself, and love yourself, and appreciate yourself in a way you never have before.
It is a journey, this seeking the answers, this journey of understanding, a journey torward physical, emotional, and spiritual health. Your new friends will walk with you and hold your hand.
Welcome. Welcome to Lovefraud Land. Cyber handshake. (Smile).
Peace
Peggywhoever
Dear Brokenhearted,
welcome to lovefraud, it is a healing place. I wish I could tell you it would take 36 hours and 17 minutes and 15 seconds to heal, but it doesn’t work like that. Healing is very individual as to “time” (clock or calendar time) so for one it may be x and for another it may be 2X or 12X. It “just depends” but what I can tell you is that YOU CAN HEAL, YOU WILL HEAL IF YOU WORK AT IT, AND YOU ARE AT THE RIGHT PLACE TO FIND THE KNOWLEDGE YOU NEED TO HEAL, AND THE SUPPORTIVE PEOPLE TO HOLD YOUR (cYBER) HAND WHILE YOU DO IT.
Welcome, and I suggest that you start by reading all the articles in the archives. You are NOT alone, and you are alive so those two things should give you some comfort now. Hang in there. ((((hugs)))) and my prayers for your healing.
New member here, found this site today while looking up information on female sociopaths in relation to my wife.
I was wondering how many of you that have been victimized by a sociopath are Co-dependant? I certainly haven’t had time to go through this entire site, but I bring this up because I noticed that many posters here who described their actions in dealing with sociopaths, were also describing stereotypical co-dependant characteristics as well.
Personally, I was introduced to the co-dependancy concept by a friend who recognized how I was reacting to events in my marriage and sent me a book, “Codependant No More”.
I’ve pasted the list of patters below from a local CODA (CO-Dependants Anonymous) website and thought you all might find it interesting.
Basically, the personality of a codependant + the personality of a sociopath = match made in hell.
Denial Patterns
Codependents:
Have difficulty identifying feelings
Minimize, alter or deny their feelings
Perceive themselves as being completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others
Low Self-Esteem Patterns
Codependents:
Have difficulty making decisions
Hudge their thoughts, words and actions harshly, as never being good enough
Are embarrassed to receive recognition, praise or gifts
Are unable to ask others to meet their needs or wants
Value other people’s approval of their thoughts, feelings and behaviors over self-approval
Compliance Patterns
Codependents:
Compromise their values and integrity to avoid rejection and other people’s anger
Are very sensitive to others’ feelings and adopt the same feelings
Are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long
place a higher value on others’ opinions and feelings
Are afraid to express differing viewpoints or feelings
Put aside personal interests and hobbies to do what others’ want
Accept sex as a substitute for love
Control Patterns
Codependents:
Believe most others are incapable of caring for themselves
Attempt to convince others what they should think or feel
Become resentful when others refuse their offers of help
Freely offer advice and guidance without being asked
Lavish gifts and favors on those they care about
Use sex to gain approval and acceptance
Have to be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others
I know I fall (at least I once fell) on the tends-to-codependency side of the equation. I also know that “codependency” has been used as a catch-all classification for any and all normal loving behaviors.
I found books about codependency to be useful to me during the initial “waking up” stages of the recovery from the mind and soul rape that is the S/P experience. But once I got past the intial shock–and then the identification of what he was–I grew a bit irritated with the whole codependency mindset. Too much blaming the victim for supposed weakness. Too often calling normal loving behaviors “pathology.” Too much of making the predator/prey relationship into a 50-50 blame situation.
No. The blame is not equally shared. They and they alone are responsible for the havoc they create. The liar is more to blame than the one lied to.
Thank you Tood
Thank you for your encouragement. I was astonished to read all of these stories from other people who have gone through the same hell. I especially like reading the ones from those who are already healing and appreciating the integrity of those people in their lives that possess it! Any recommendations for where I can seek group therapy or something like that would be greatly appreciated. Thank you again for your kindness.
Thank you Tood
That’s for commenting Tood.
I guess it’s all a matter of degree…personally, when I went through the list, I checked off nearly every single pattern listed. That by no means is a reflection of a normal, loving behavior! :-/
After readying your comment, I went through the list again and could only identify three that could be considered “normal”, at least at a moderate level:
Are embarrassed to receive recognition, praise or gifts.
Freely offer advice and guidance without being asked.
Lavish gifts and favors on those they care about.
The rest of them? Not “normal” at any level.
No one is blaming the victim for the predator’s actions.
However, if the victim stays in a relationship and ALLOWS themselves to be used because of their own unhealthy views of themselves and of those around them, then they too have issues.
So the point of my post (and in turn, my experience with co-dependency) has nothing to do with “blame” but about learning about one-self, understanding what is happing within one’s own mind and willfully taking action to change it.
For if you do learn and change, you will not be a victim again.
That’s = Thanks
Dear Florida_kes,
Co-dependency, weak boundaries, low self esteem, lots of that sort of thing. Learning to recognize that and that we ALLOWED their abuse is what helps us heal and not become a victim again. Some of us (me for one) have been repeated victims because we didn’t learn why we were victms in the first place after the first time. I’m 62 next month and belive me I am just now LEARNING. Almost everyone in my family was either co-dependent or an abuser (psychopath) so I am living Psychopath and abuse FREE for the first time in my life and LIFE IS WONDERFUL, there is JOY in my soul and PEACE. THANK YOU JESUS!
Yes, Kes, iti s only when we examine and change ourselves that we can heal. We can’t fix them, and it is imperitive that we fix ourselves so that we are no longer vulnerable to the next P that pops out of the wood work.
Glad you found your way here, this is a wonderful site and there is so much knowledge here and great people too. Sounds like you are well on your way to healing, and we welcome your in put and comments. Stay around a while.
Hey Florida kes: Then there are some of us that weren’t aware of others having the need to have such diabolical motives and hidden agendas for their reasons to get us into their lives and using us as stepping stones to get what they want, go where they want to go. Academy Award Actors … acting so nice, kind, decent and normal and may I add, no drama.
Where is that place they want to go any way? (LOL)
Do you know the way to …. blank, blank, blank, blank, da, da, da, da, daaaaaaaaaaaa.
Peace.