By Peggywhoever
Welcome to Lovefraud Land! Again, welcome. Cyber handshake.. (Smile).
This is not a vacation location. But it is a destination. You can find your path to healing here.
Tell me, you Googled the word “Sociopath.” You have just ended a most painful relationship. Or rather, THEY ended the relationship. And you are left as an emotional shipwreck.
See how many adjectives apply. Hurt. Betrayed. Confused. Damaged. State of Disbelief. Questioning them. Questioning you. Questioning everyone. Questioning everything. Why? Why? Why? What is going on here?
You have come to the right place. Having come out of the most bizarre, twisted and contorted relationship of your life as though you were an emotional contortionist, you will find answers. And peace.
You have been abused, perhaps for the first time, and perhaps you have a lifetime of abuse. You are in pain. You can barely function. It is difficult to get out of bed in the morning. You feel frozen. You can barely make the effort to eat. Sound familiar? You are sick”¦emotionally sick, physically sick, sick to the core of your psyche.
Being in a relationship with a Sociopath takes everything you hold dear”¦your values, your code of ethics, your trust in love, honor, and commitment and turns them upside down. And then they are stomped on. Your body is on alert, you may have feelings of depression, anxiety, paranoia, as well as PTSD symptoms. You can barely function at your job… Your friends and family are tired of hearing your story. Nobody understands. Nobody listens. You feel that nobody cares.
Well, at Lovefraud Land, we DO care. You have friends now. New friends. People who have walked in your shoes. You have friends who will listen, REALLY listen to you and help advise you. Free counseling. Not necessarily from licensed professionals, but people who are seasoned and licensed in the game of life.
Because, to a sociopath it is a game. A one-sided game. They win, you lose. They are the victims. Always. You can never play the game right. The rules change as soon as you figure it out.
You are never enough. Were never enough. You were not bright enough, handsome/pretty enough, clever and witty enough, attractive enough, enough, ENOUGH!
It is not about you. It was never about you. It is about them. Everything, EVERYTHING about a Sociopath revolves around them. Always has, always will.
YOU WERE ALWAYS ENOUGH.
What is about you is your ”¦ well, YOUNESS! Your uniqueness. You were chosen, targeted even by a sociopath for your intrinsic goodness. Your loving heart, compassionate nature, blind trust, and helpfulness were strong factors in them choosing you as a victim.
You cannot change a sociopath. Ever. You cannot fix them. The best thing you can do is STAY AWAY FROM THEM. Always. Forever. This is known at Lovefraud Land as NC (No contact).. That means no face-to-face contact, no telephone conversations, no e-mail, no text messaging, NOTHING. Because any contact with them will only bring you pain.
Oh, and the obsessing. Thinking of them night and day. Day and night. Over and over and over until you feel like you are watching the same video in your head. And the ruminating (another Lovefraud word) ”¦ which relates to the obsessing and constantly thinking “what if” or how much you love and miss them and how wonderful they were and “what if” you had only done this or that?
Well, nothing, NOTHING you could have done would have changed anything. Or fixed anything. You are left with”¦you. And you will learn to understand yourself, and love yourself, and appreciate yourself in a way you never have before.
It is a journey, this seeking the answers, this journey of understanding, a journey torward physical, emotional, and spiritual health. Your new friends will walk with you and hold your hand.
Welcome. Welcome to Lovefraud Land. Cyber handshake. (Smile).
Peace
Peggywhoever
Thank you!
“abuse FREE for the first time in my life and LIFE IS WONDERFUL,”
That brought tears to my eyes…. 🙂
Unfortunately, it may be some time still before I have a taste of that freedom. I was/still am married to a “P” woman who (as someone else experienced) fell in love with me (I think?)…but her true nature never went away. Two years ago, I discovered her having an affair with another married man. If I had known then what I know now, I would have filed for divorce that day. But unfortunately we’re still married, waiting for the house to sell in this market.
I’ve been waiting for over a year to get my “freedom.”
Dear Florida_kes,
Yes, there is life after the P, and there is freedom after the P. I hope you don’t have children with this woman.
For what it is worth, and the way the realestate market is today, is there ANY way that you can get out of there, move out, file for divorce, give her the house—get your freedom!
Believe me, a house or anything else isn’t worth the pain and misery of associating with these people. I’ll tell you a bit of my story so you can see what I mean by what I am talking about. I live on the family farm in ARkansas, and my mom and one of my sons and his wife (a P) also lived in separate houses on the same farm. The farm is in a “trust” so that my son’s wife could’nt get her hands on it in the event of my and my mother’s death, my other son, a P is in prison, And in the event he got out, he could live here (hopefully he will never get out) but anyway, my P DIL decided along with a “ringer” that I call the Trojan horse Psychopath, decided to kill me (at my P-son’s urging) so that if I died before my mom did,, they would have more access to assets than if I outlived her and could cut them out….well, my home and every piece of stuff I own is tied to this farm. I couldn’t sell or rent my house. I had two choices, leave or die. I chose to leave, thinnking at the time I was going to be gone possibly forever. Leaving behind everyting material I held dear. I bought an RV thinking I would have to live in it forever, and hauled arse, into hiding.
Well, I got lucky, the DIL and the Trojan HOrse had an affair and when my son found out, he realized that I was telling him the truth about his brother and his wife, when she and her BF tried to kill him and stole $24,000 from my mother.
It was very DIFFICULT for me to finally make up my mind to flee my home, to leave everything behind, but I am glad I did, because I realize now (I am back home) that NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN BEING FREE OF THE Ps.
If I had to live in a tent and eat out of a McDonald’s dumpster for the rest of my life, it WOULD BE WORTH IT TO BE P-FREE.
It ended up costing me about $50K, to purchase the RV which due to the increase in gas prices isn’t worth half what it was, and the other expenses that were associated with trying to save my mother and my son and his wife (that I knew I didn’t like but didn’t know was a P) from the Trojan Horse and from my P-son. So since I am retired and on a limited fixed income as put me at least for the time being, behind the financial 8-ball, but IT WAS WORTH IT!!!!! 1000 xs over it was worth it.
I had no idea that there was this much JOY and PEACE POSSIBLE IN LIFE. I have my sanity back, I have my son back in my arms (my good one) my P-son I am NC with, and I am NC with my mother as well, because she is so co-dependent and so intent on making me be co-dependent that she is totally abusive to me, she devalued and discarded me because I wouldn’t go along with her demands to give in to my P-son, even after she knew he tried to have me killed, she was still sending the “poor baby” commissary money in prison cause she “felt sorry for him.” Sheesh! I was a “bitch” because I cut him off, but he was a “poor baby” cause h e is in prison for the murder he committed in cold blood, and just cause he failed to have me killed, well, she’s sure he’s “sorry.” Well, he is “sorie” but not “sorry”—
It never dawned on me that I could “divorce” my son and my mother, but it has only been since I did that I have any peace and joy in my life. I realize that I have lived dysfunctionally my entire life and I am not willing to do so any more. I am not responsible for anyone except myself, and I will not feel guilty for not being responsible for fixing “your” (the universal your) problems. I am making and setting and enforcing boundaries now. I’ve got the big bad dudes out of my life completely with NC but I can set boundaries with the best of them now and NOT FEEL GUILTY AT ALL. It’s been a long, hard, miserable, painful, anxiety filled journey to get where I am today, and I still have work to do on myself, but I am getting there and am at least able now to feel joy and happiness and peace. I won’t let the Ps take that away from me.
I guess the bottom line is “money ain’t all it’s cracked up to me” but believe me PEACE IS ALL IT IS CRACKED UP TO BE, IT IS EVEN BETTER. SO IS FREEDOM.
My daughter does not live with me. She is 17. On Sunday she came into my home, assaulted me, broke a window and left before the police came. On Monday I had extra keys made for the house, so we could keep the doors locked at all times. On Tuesday, as my boyfriend came back inside the house to give me a kiss before work, my daughter came in again (the door was unlocked briefly). Again she assaulted me, we tried to get her out of the house, she refused. My bf called the police. This time they made it there before she left. She went to jail for 24 hrs and was released on her own recognizance. She is not to have any contact with me. I will be honest here. I have fears. Not only do i fear she may return with a weapon, but I fear her sociopath father as well. I just want to live in peace. I see no end in sight. Do I lose everything I own and leave, just to get away? What is the solution to all this madness?
Tria yes and no
You can stay and arm your self instal alarms get a dog be prepared to use a fire arm ! or you leave rent a place and put yours up for sale. Your life is more precious than things or a house!
Welcome We are glad your here amongst people who have been where you are . We are just sorry your a member. It gets better I promise. BUT you have to be safe and do the right thing for you! LOVE jere
Dear Tria,
I had the same situation last year, and in June of 07, I bought a recreational camping trailer and left my home and about everything I owned. Not knowing if I could ever be safe coming back to my home because my son (currently serving life for murder) had gotten one of his ex-convict buddies to come and “make friends” with us and to kill me so my son could inherit our family’s assets.
I waited to the last minute, being a stubborn woman, and being acquainted with fire arms I was “not gonna let them drive me out of my house” but you know, I can’t guard every window 24/7, and my youngest son had spent ever night all night awake until day light guarding me (I didn’t know this) but I realized my house is not a fort, they could set fire to it, blow it up, or any number of things. What is my life worth?
Is my house going to do me any good if I am dead? Will I have my house then?
So I left home, thinking I would probably be living in the cammper trailer for the rest of my life. I am retired and my income is limited and I couldn’t afford rent on an apartment, plus, I wanted to keep my dogs w hich were not inside dogs.
The “Trojan Horse psychpath” when he couldn’t find me, started an affair with my P-DIL, and they decided to cut and run with $24,000 of my mother’s money, and on the way out the door to kill her husband, my other son. Well, their plot failed and they were arrested. A few months later I came home. But you know, I realize that NOTHING MATERIAL is worth risking your life for.
I would live peacefully in a tent if I had to again, and eat out of a dumpster–living in a homeless shelter would be better than going to sleep every night knowing someone is out to kill you. I won’t live in TERROR again, and especially not for a material thing like a house. KEEP YOURSELF SAFE ABOVE ALL ELSE, DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO TO GET AWAY FROM HER. Don’t let her kill you and believe me, they are capable of doing so, and quite frankly a teenager is the most dangeorus as they have no concept of consequences at all. God bless you. I do know how you feel. Been there and have that TEE shirt!
Trla –
Does your daughter live with her father? Couldn’t he be held responsible for her actions in this case?
I would suspect that a restraining order would be best now. It’s not going to stop her but it would give the police and judges another tool to keep her away from you.
Also, in Florida and other states, a parent can get their child institutionalized, at least for a observation period. Do you know if that’s an option for you? If it’s possible, see if you can get a hold of the police officer that last arrested your daughter and get his/her opinion on what options you have.
Her bond states that she cannot enter a building where I am. She goes to court on the 24th for domestic. I am not sure if she received any other charges.
Today I drove to town to mail some bills. All I heard was her yelling, “F-U, F-U”. I didn’t see her, but heard her loud and clear. I hope someone else heard her and called the police for her profanity, but I doubt it.
I don’t know if I can go to court when she goes, but I was going to write the judge a letter so I don’t have to go. All I can do is tell the Judge what I have been dealing with for all these years. I know there is only so much he can do as well.
I am not sure if a restraining order was automatically put in place or if I have to seek one.
I did get a court order 2 months ago for observation, but because she lied and manipulated the Therapist, the therapist just recommended she go back home. So that’s what I did. i feel as if its me against the world. No one will listen. No one cares.
Dear Tria,
First off I am so sorry you are going through this. Keep in mind a “restraining” order or a bond condition is only a piece of paper, it will not protect you if she decided to violate it. It sounds like she is completely out of control and enraged. This makes her dangerous, Tria.
I strongly suggest that you DO show up in court and talk to the judge and maybe he will put her in an inpatient setting for evaluation. She will not foot them I can pretty well tell you. I have worked in these settings.
I also suggest that you do NOT go to court alone but have a male companion/guard with you.
I turned my son in to the police when he was 17 for robbing our friend’s business and stealing all the computers in the computer based business and putting them out of business for quite some time till they could get their operation back up and going. Cost them a lot of money.
Over 20 years now, and him in prison for murder, he still blames me THAT HE IS IN PRISON FOR MURDER COMMITTED A COUPLE OF YEARS LATER because I turned him in for the robbery when he was 17. That is a STREEEEEETCH of logic, I know but it is one of the reasons he tried to have me killed last year. He hates me so much for standing up to him, getting him arrested, that everything bad that has happened to him since is MY FAULT. They can lay blame on others for everything bad in their life or anything that goes against them.
I think your daughter is VERY VERY dangerous, and that you are not safe as long as she is on the street.
Don’t fool yourself. I call that “violating the eleventh commandment”–you know the 10 in the Bible, well this is my own 11th one. DON’T FOOL THY SELF.
Many times I have tried to minimize the danger my son is, the rage that he was capable of, “he wouldn’t do that to me”–but he would and he sure tried to do me in. Don’t trust her at all, ABOVE ALL KEEP YOURSELF SAFE. (((hugs))) and my prayers for your safety and healing.
Most times a TRO (Temporary Restraining Order) is automatically issued in domestic cases, given to the perpetrator at the time of release, and it remains in effect until the case is resolved.
You’ll get a subpoena to appear at court, and if you don’t show, the case will probably be continued to a later court docket. Most district attorney offices have a victims advocate, so you might want to check with them and get advice on court procedures and what to expect and what will be expected of you and find out if you can give a deposition prior to the case that can be used.
Hey all ~ have you room for a little one? :o)
What a wonderful site! (It’s a shame it needs to exist at all, but thank heavens it does).
I’ve been reading all the articles and comments on here for a couple of weeks now, wishing i had known about it last year, but ‘better late than never’, as the saying goes….
I’d reached the ripe old age of 45 before i had my ‘encounter with evil’ (as i now refer to it). Well, that’s not strictly true ~ i had briefly dated a couple of out-and-out psychos when i was in my 20’s, whose controlling and violent behaviour quickly became frighteningly apparent and fortunately my fear and sense of survival over-rode any ‘hold’ they had on me at the time. Because of this, i was able to get away from them and move on without too much trouble. They ‘played up’ a bit, for a while, but soon realised they were wasting their time and went away, thank goodness.
The S i met last year was different ~ far more subtle, yet i’m pretty certain i would have experienced his violent side sooner rather than later, had i allowed myself to have become as involved with him as he seemed to constantly be pushing for. I realise now my reticence was due to my intuition screaming at me to keep away from from him.
I only actually saw him a few times, over a period of about six weeks, but despite my initial reservations about him, i still somehow managed to fall for him. (How daft does that sound now?) Believe me, i’m not the kind of person to just fall in love at the drop of a hat either.
Well, although i could write a book about ALL the red flags/barefaced lies/manipulation/contradictions/crazy behaviour etc etc he displayed during that short time…. STILL i got sucked into believing i was misjudging him, due to not being understanding enough of the damage caused by all the trauma HE’D supposedly been through in his life! (I say ‘supposedly’, as i have no idea whether they were, in fact, true or not). These feelings of guilt, of not being good enough for him etc dragged on for MONTHS afterwards ~ all on the strength of a mere handful of dates with him. It didn’t help that we initially ‘met’ on an internet dating site, so he was able to drag out his torture of me far longer than he may have been able to do in the ‘real world’.
I was a sitting duck for him on that site. Needless to say, he contacted me first, after claiming he’d read my profile and shared my love of reggae music. What i now realise was more likely the case…. he was more attracted to the fact that i was very popular on the site’s forum (due to my sense of humour ~ which i lost, amongst so many other things, because of HIM) and i had made many loyal friends, who would all rush to defend me if someone dared to even try to say a bad word about me. More importantly though, i had clearly stated on my profile i was very happy in my own skin, only there to make friends and had no time for people who play mindgames. I think he saw me as a challenge.
I count my blessings in one respect, as my best friend of 30+ years had already been involved with one of these abominations of nature for about three years by the time my one targeted me. My friend had been ‘suffering in silence’ all that time and trying to figure him out by herself, until i happened to mention some of the outrageous things my one was saying and doing. It was then she told me that she was going through a very similar experience and as we swapped notes, we remarked several times we could in fact be talking about the very same person (although we knew for sure we wasn’t, as we had both met each other’s Ss’, but strangely enough, had each taken an instant dislike to each other’s choice of partner!) I dread to think what kind of state we would both be in now had we not put our heads and hearts together to help each other safely through to the other side of that cold, dark tunnel they’d somehow managed to lead us into.
I’m sorry, i only meant for this to be a quick ‘hello’ and to introduce myself, yet i’ve rambled on so much already and only really scratched the surface…. but as i’m sure you’re all painfully aware ~ there is so much more i could say about his bizarre comments and behaviour, all of which happened in such an incredibly short space of time. For almost all of last year, the only way i could describe myself was like having my heart and soul ripped out from me and shredded before my very eyes while he laughed maniacally and my mind feeling like it had fallen out of a washing machine after a super-turbo spin. It’s no understatement when i say i almost lost the will to live ~ the pain was excruciating…. like nothing on this earth.
These days, i refer to him as ‘Satan’s Little Helper’ ~ he even had the same name as the devil-child in ‘The Omen’ (sorry, i can’t even bring myself to type it here!) Scary stuff eh?
As you may have guessed (if you’ve managed to read this far without falling asleep, that is! Sorry again!) i’m over the worst of it now and have come on in leaps and bounds with my recovery since reaching the point where i said “Enough, already!” after realising i owed him NOTHING after the way he’d treated me and had no valid reason for feeling the slightest bit guilty for ‘abandoning’ him. I now fully realise the importance of NC and the fact that even negative attention from us is good attention in their twisted minds.
I’d just like to say to everyone on here…. please, please, PLEASE be strong and get the hell out of there if you haven’t done so already, and if you have, then NEVER even think about going back to all that mindf@ckery. THEY are NOT worth it and YOU are worth so much MORE.
Blessings and peace to you all. ((((HUGS))))
Namaste xx