By Peggywhoever
Welcome to Lovefraud Land! Again, welcome. Cyber handshake.. (Smile).
This is not a vacation location. But it is a destination. You can find your path to healing here.
Tell me, you Googled the word “Sociopath.” You have just ended a most painful relationship. Or rather, THEY ended the relationship. And you are left as an emotional shipwreck.
See how many adjectives apply. Hurt. Betrayed. Confused. Damaged. State of Disbelief. Questioning them. Questioning you. Questioning everyone. Questioning everything. Why? Why? Why? What is going on here?
You have come to the right place. Having come out of the most bizarre, twisted and contorted relationship of your life as though you were an emotional contortionist, you will find answers. And peace.
You have been abused, perhaps for the first time, and perhaps you have a lifetime of abuse. You are in pain. You can barely function. It is difficult to get out of bed in the morning. You feel frozen. You can barely make the effort to eat. Sound familiar? You are sick”¦emotionally sick, physically sick, sick to the core of your psyche.
Being in a relationship with a Sociopath takes everything you hold dear”¦your values, your code of ethics, your trust in love, honor, and commitment and turns them upside down. And then they are stomped on. Your body is on alert, you may have feelings of depression, anxiety, paranoia, as well as PTSD symptoms. You can barely function at your job… Your friends and family are tired of hearing your story. Nobody understands. Nobody listens. You feel that nobody cares.
Well, at Lovefraud Land, we DO care. You have friends now. New friends. People who have walked in your shoes. You have friends who will listen, REALLY listen to you and help advise you. Free counseling. Not necessarily from licensed professionals, but people who are seasoned and licensed in the game of life.
Because, to a sociopath it is a game. A one-sided game. They win, you lose. They are the victims. Always. You can never play the game right. The rules change as soon as you figure it out.
You are never enough. Were never enough. You were not bright enough, handsome/pretty enough, clever and witty enough, attractive enough, enough, ENOUGH!
It is not about you. It was never about you. It is about them. Everything, EVERYTHING about a Sociopath revolves around them. Always has, always will.
YOU WERE ALWAYS ENOUGH.
What is about you is your ”¦ well, YOUNESS! Your uniqueness. You were chosen, targeted even by a sociopath for your intrinsic goodness. Your loving heart, compassionate nature, blind trust, and helpfulness were strong factors in them choosing you as a victim.
You cannot change a sociopath. Ever. You cannot fix them. The best thing you can do is STAY AWAY FROM THEM. Always. Forever. This is known at Lovefraud Land as NC (No contact).. That means no face-to-face contact, no telephone conversations, no e-mail, no text messaging, NOTHING. Because any contact with them will only bring you pain.
Oh, and the obsessing. Thinking of them night and day. Day and night. Over and over and over until you feel like you are watching the same video in your head. And the ruminating (another Lovefraud word) ”¦ which relates to the obsessing and constantly thinking “what if” or how much you love and miss them and how wonderful they were and “what if” you had only done this or that?
Well, nothing, NOTHING you could have done would have changed anything. Or fixed anything. You are left with”¦you. And you will learn to understand yourself, and love yourself, and appreciate yourself in a way you never have before.
It is a journey, this seeking the answers, this journey of understanding, a journey torward physical, emotional, and spiritual health. Your new friends will walk with you and hold your hand.
Welcome. Welcome to Lovefraud Land. Cyber handshake. (Smile).
Peace
Peggywhoever
StarG: I’m sure my EX would have taught Chuckie those words given the chance, he did have a warped sense of humor. He has PJ with him that is 5 or 6 years younger than Chuckie … so I can just imagine all the outrageous things he teaches that bird. They are quick too. They don’t miss a trick or a statement said in front of them. Hmmmmmmmhhh I just realized Chuck is 9 years old this past Spring. I got him for my EXs 50th birthday and my EX is 59 this year. Boy, oh boy, does time sure fly.
Peace.
Well, we always knew psychopaths were for the birds, didn’t we? lol
Yeah, but I didn’t know my EX was one … and when he was leaving to go back to TEXAS for business, I told him to take PJ with him and train him while he was gone. My EX said he was returning in a few months … September, he left May 1st. I never knew I would never see him or my bird again … nor the items that he took from my home.
I’m telling you, this guy was so smooth … he kept me on a string until after the 8th of November, then a few more weeks the truth versus the lies he told me … were staring me in the face by reading the paperwork he left behind. He was still talking marriage to me knowing he already ran down to Texas and married the woman he met on line for his new place to live. To this day, I don’t know the date of their marriage, but I know that he married her. If I do find out the day he married, I’m sure if I look at my bank statements he asked me to wire money down to him to pay for his dinner with his new wife.
Sai la vie.
After the few weeks of shock and acceptance and the realization that my daughter is a sociopath…and then the realization that her father(my ex) is as well… I have found myself questioning all the relationships in my life, because I have also realized that I am a sociopath-magnet. I specifically have had deep thoughts and questions of the ones closest to me. None have affected me to the extremes that my daughter has, but I see the signs clearly now. I see all the traits, if not most of them, in my oldest son and my brother, whom I raised for 5 yrs…and whom I recently let move back in with me, to help him out financially. I question myself in “what I believe”…but my gut keeps taking me to “confirmations”. I am not the targets of my son and brother…but my conscious of the “knowing” that they are hurting others…is. I know there are degrees of severity. My brother is on a lower scale, and has been thru terrible things that he does not discuss and keeps inside. I can see the path that pushed him to what he has become. What scares me with him, is his lack of emotions and care. I could be totally wrong in my thoughts…but he sure does fit most of the criteria. I am just staying watchful for now.
My son on the other hand. He is a danger to others. I am just not sure what to do…or even if it is my responsibility…My oldest daughter is affected the most by what her brother has done or put her thru…and with what she “knows”. She asks me, “Mom, what are we going to do about him?” I paused at her asking this…partly because I don’t want to hurt her and I know she is clearly upset at what she had just been thru with him. My response was, “What can we do?” “There is nothing we can do. We are damned at every turn. There are repercussions at every turn.”
The fact is…my son is HIV+. His life consists of secrets and lies. He manipulates and uses anyone he can attach himself to, with charm. If you interfere with his charades…he gets angry, but not to the point that we have fear for our own safety. (But we are not his targets). My daughter is distraught. She unknowingly became the “Deliverer of Information” to my son’s boyfriend of one year (whom my son only uses)…and informed him of her brothers HIV status. She had no idea that he did not know this! His boyfriends have always known, why would she think differently or even assume that this one didn’t?? My son states boldly on his myspace page that he is HIV+….but yet also forced MANY (somehow)…to keep his status a secret from me for over 2 yrs! (So I understand the initial shock and horror that this information has. To also feel like the brunt of a cruel joke. To be the last to know. To suffer in aloneness…as everyone else had already been thru it. Being his mother, maybe it had a different affect on me. But I am not his lover. I am not the one…or ONES…he has put at risk).
I ask. “What does a person do?” Do you leave it up to the boyfriend to decide to pursue a legal remedy? Although our hearts believe that he won’t…..what do you do?? I will also add the fact and knowledge that my son is an escort (the nice description)….and you know there are many others that are putting themselves at risk. You know they have girlfriends. You know they have wives. You also know that there are many others out there exactly like your son. Doing exactly the same. Does it make it easier to handle this knowledge??…NO. But the knowledge of knowing all this can eat at you to no end if you let it.
This is the point I am at. I grieved my son’s death, although he is not dead. My emotions suffered to the point that my heart became part-dead. I can have a level-headed diplomatic rational personality when I have to. To be the strength for others…But I can also be the basketcase that suffers in silence as to not bring down the world around me with my negatives.
I need the words to give my daughter strength to deal with what she was unknowingly and unwillingly subjected to. How do I tell her to cut her ties? How do I explain that she is dealing with a sociopath, whithout her thinking I am on some sociopath-labeling kick?? I know what I know…that’s all I know.
Dear Tria,
“What can we do?”
You are responsible for taking care of your P-brother and your P-son WHY?
You are aware that your P-son is an “escort” and putting others at riskk of HIV and you still enable him WHY?
Not that you are going to stop him from what he is doing but if you have a daughter who has been abused/misused/traumatized by these Ps in your and her life, why are you and she subjecting yourselves to their “companY” in an effort to “help them?”
It is obvious from your post that your daughter is miserable being around these people (does she also live with you?)
“To be the strength for others” QUOTE. I too felt that I needed to be “the strength for others” so I took on their responsibilities and enabled them to continue their preying on others.
Your son has HIV, HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR GETTING THIS, and he is RESPONSIBLE FOR PASSING IT ON (potentially) to others secretly (and, Yes, those others also bear responsibility, but how about their wives and girlfriends that THEY ARE LYING TO?)
I know that you hate to “give up” and you are rationalizing that your P brother and P son need “help” but you, my dear are the one who needs help the worst. You cannot save them, you can only be another of their victims. You say you are not their TARGET, yet you are, you are giving them sustenence, and distressing your daughter who is the one who needs the support. Your Ps don’t deserve your support or pity, they are in the messes they are because of their own behavior.
I too have a P-son, he is a murderer and in prison. I KNOW HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO CUT YOUR KID LOOSE, even as bad as my son is, it still hurt, but until I CUT HIM LOOSE, WENT NC WITH HIM, I could not heal. Your son is just as much a cold blooded killer as mine, the only difference is that my son used a gun and killed them by pulling the trigger, your son is using a “shot gun” and just randomly pointing it at multiple people. Sooner or later he will pass the HIV on to someone who will pass it on to others, innocent wives and Girl friends and children. You can’t stop that, but you can disassociate yourself from this monster son, and in my opinion that is what he is, JUST LIKE MY MONSTER SON.
EVen though my monster son tried to have me killed last year, my enabling mother is still sending him money and support because he is faking “sorry” for her to get the money and she is falling for that crap, in denial. What CAN you do?
Send the two of them to the Salvation Army or the local rescue mission, but don’t harbor them out of pity. Take your daughter in your arms and thank God that you have one child that truly DOES need you, and that you CAN help, but only if you rid yourself of the psychopaths in your life. I got my one good biiological son back because he too was trapped by a psychopathic wife, a psychopathic friend (who was sleeping with his wife) and his psychopathic brother who had sent the “friend” to kill me and even knew and approved of the affair.
You and your daughter are TARGETS and VICTIMS, so be the “level-headed diplomatic rational personality” and get rid of these vampires out of your home, and you and your daughter embrace each other and start to heal. They will only drain you dry emotionally with one crisis after another to get your pity, while they would dump you on the street if the situation were reversed, they “love” you because they “need” you to take care of them, cause they won’t take care of themselves. I know this may sound harsh, and maybe you are not ready to receive this advice, but looking back at the years and years, DECADES of pain I let my P-son cause me and my non-P sons, I wish someone had bashed my head in with an iron skillet to get me to listen before I wasted so much of my own life and energy! (((Hugs)))) and my prayers for you.
Okay mom Im here. I’ve read what you’ve posted and I’ve read what others have commented back. And here is my take. Honestly people just dont know unless they have lived it. Have these poeople any idea that I was there when my brother was used as an inhouse slave. That I chose our fate not knowing that our stepmother would make us completely miserable. That his punishment for getting into tiff with a sibling was to ungrout a tile floor 12×16′ with a hand tool. Taking weeks. Im suprised that was the punishment since he wasent even aloud to go into the kitchen area at all. Just because. Just because he was Chris. Peanut-butter and toast everymorning, no milk, water. YOU CANT HAVE SUGAR, YOUR ALLERGIC TO MILK. He struggled for love from her. And I feel I chose this path for him. My bro is HIV Pos and a mess of a person, Im not sure he’s a P because Im not qualified nor do I care that much to spend most of my day researching the terminology. Ill label him with the best defining words my vocab can come up with. Since he’s got such a colorful personatilty I can come up with a lot that way. He’s hateful most the time, lies when my heart thinks he is, and a user. Maybe the path thats been paved for him enables him to use people so he does. He’s manipulated for attention for the past I’ll say 17yrs even thought he’s 23. I cant help it. But he is an evil SOB no ill intentions mom.
dau-tria: I don’t know who your mom is … that’s OK … because here you can heal from hearing and speaking truth. You have a right to blog, just as your mom does … and that when we all help all in your family unravel the twists and turns of the truth being trampled on … then you can make sense of all that has happened to you.
In the mean time … peace to your heart and soul. Feel free to write any time you want to write … about anything you want to write about. Who’s ever on line will write you back.
Dautria
You did not choose that your step mother was a sociopath or a psychopath — you did choose what you as a child would prefer and probably chose the parent with teh control over money as that is the only thing a chilkd can actually relate to when it comes to power and visual signs of love — so do’nt beat yourself up for this — you had no idea and were probably wooed into thinking that whatever your step mother was doing was justified because she had your father under her thumb of P/S control. Your brother didn’t stand a chance but I tend to believe that people are not born this way unless tehre is something akin to autism or birth defect presnt and undetected that turns ugly due to mistreatment. YOU did NOT do it to him and lovinghim is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t hink that it is not doing anything to help him. Take it from me that it is making the only favorable impact that he can feel in his emotions so don’t stop.
God bless you for what you’ve endured and survived.
Let me correct myself a bit here — loving him by hugging him — not giving him money, not enabling him to continue to hurt you or your otgher family members andnot allowinghim to trample all over you — just accept him for who he is and let him do his thing HIS way — WITHOUT your enabling him because tht is what got him into this mess to begin with — enablers and users and manipulators but he may r may not be able or want to escap[e this so don’t YOU make the assumption t hat you have to do it for him — that is called makinghim a codependent and that is even more damabing than enduringa S or P in the home. that makes you unable to help yourself. So draw a boundry and don’t let ANYONE cross it verb ally or physically and then stick ot it and if your boundries don’t hold where you live now then MOVE and cut all ties to those who would violate your boundries as theya re sick people. And you do not want to catch the S or P sickness yourself and you can simply by accepting and not crying out when your boundries are violated — boundries of acceptable behavior I mean.
Good luck and keep writing as that is what will free you and help you see what is going on in your own life — annonymously and safely in the company of loving accepting adn experienced people who now have their own eyes open.
Peace
Dear Dau-Tria,
First off, you are welcome here. Everyone here is a victim of some form of abuse—from childhood on many of us. You are NOT ALONE.
It doesn’t sound like you wanted to be here, though, dau-Tria, but none of us WANT to be here, but we are here because we NEED to be, for ourselves.
I’m sorry your brother is HIV positive, I’m sorry he is a “mess of a person” but he is like we all are here, an ADULT, and regardless of what kind of a miserable child hood we have had we are NOW RESPONSIBLE for OURSELVES.
WE can’t change the past, all we can do is to make our future better. I hope that you will choose to make your own future better. It doesn’t ‘matter what “label” you hang on your brother, the label you used of “HE IS A USER.” is more than adequate. You dont have to have a PhD college degree to be able to figure that out and it sounds like you are a smart young lady.
Unfortunately, the ONLY thing you can do to help a user is to get away from them. STAY AWAY from them. Put them on the street if necessary or call the cops to remove them. No matter how sick they are, or anything else, they do not love you, they are like a tick or a flea on a dogs ear, sucking the life blood out of their “host.” They have no more love for us than the flea or the tick does for the dog. They may cry out, “But if you toss me out, whose blood can I suck?” The answer is “I don’t know, and I don’t care, but NOT MINE.”
I know tht is hard when you love these people, I had to do my son that way because he is a psychopath (and I do have the credentials to label him) and he is a murderer, one man on here had to turn in his father to the cops for murder, so you and your mom are not the only ones that have had a “bad row to hoe” with the family psychopaths and users.
But LIFE CAN BE BETTER, it doesn’t have to go on like this. I have only my 2 other sons, my freinds and I am so happy. That’s all the “family” I have left, because my mother too is disordered and she spends every waking moment trying to “help” my murdering son, and persecuting my other good sons and me, who have done so much for her. But she doesn’t love us, just him. Pooooor him, in prison for blowing a 17 year old’s head off cause he was mad at her—-poor him! NOT!
It isn’t that I don’t have empathy for the position your brother is in, but he is NOT ENTITLED TO USE YOU AND YOUR MOTHER because he is sick, and continues to try to spread his virus that might kill others. He needs to be responsible for himself. Ditto your uncle. Your mom needs to be responsib le ONLY for herself and you (depending on how old you are) If you are over 18, you and your mom can help each other if you want, but each of you is responsible only for themselves.
Hang around here and read some articles and learn—learning about them and about healthy relationships will help both of you, you and your mom, to heal and learn to take care of yourselves, and not spend your energies on users.
(((hugs)))) and my prayers for both you and your mother.