By Peggywhoever
Welcome to Lovefraud Land! Again, welcome. Cyber handshake.. (Smile).
This is not a vacation location. But it is a destination. You can find your path to healing here.
Tell me, you Googled the word “Sociopath.” You have just ended a most painful relationship. Or rather, THEY ended the relationship. And you are left as an emotional shipwreck.
See how many adjectives apply. Hurt. Betrayed. Confused. Damaged. State of Disbelief. Questioning them. Questioning you. Questioning everyone. Questioning everything. Why? Why? Why? What is going on here?
You have come to the right place. Having come out of the most bizarre, twisted and contorted relationship of your life as though you were an emotional contortionist, you will find answers. And peace.
You have been abused, perhaps for the first time, and perhaps you have a lifetime of abuse. You are in pain. You can barely function. It is difficult to get out of bed in the morning. You feel frozen. You can barely make the effort to eat. Sound familiar? You are sick”¦emotionally sick, physically sick, sick to the core of your psyche.
Being in a relationship with a Sociopath takes everything you hold dear”¦your values, your code of ethics, your trust in love, honor, and commitment and turns them upside down. And then they are stomped on. Your body is on alert, you may have feelings of depression, anxiety, paranoia, as well as PTSD symptoms. You can barely function at your job… Your friends and family are tired of hearing your story. Nobody understands. Nobody listens. You feel that nobody cares.
Well, at Lovefraud Land, we DO care. You have friends now. New friends. People who have walked in your shoes. You have friends who will listen, REALLY listen to you and help advise you. Free counseling. Not necessarily from licensed professionals, but people who are seasoned and licensed in the game of life.
Because, to a sociopath it is a game. A one-sided game. They win, you lose. They are the victims. Always. You can never play the game right. The rules change as soon as you figure it out.
You are never enough. Were never enough. You were not bright enough, handsome/pretty enough, clever and witty enough, attractive enough, enough, ENOUGH!
It is not about you. It was never about you. It is about them. Everything, EVERYTHING about a Sociopath revolves around them. Always has, always will.
YOU WERE ALWAYS ENOUGH.
What is about you is your ”¦ well, YOUNESS! Your uniqueness. You were chosen, targeted even by a sociopath for your intrinsic goodness. Your loving heart, compassionate nature, blind trust, and helpfulness were strong factors in them choosing you as a victim.
You cannot change a sociopath. Ever. You cannot fix them. The best thing you can do is STAY AWAY FROM THEM. Always. Forever. This is known at Lovefraud Land as NC (No contact).. That means no face-to-face contact, no telephone conversations, no e-mail, no text messaging, NOTHING. Because any contact with them will only bring you pain.
Oh, and the obsessing. Thinking of them night and day. Day and night. Over and over and over until you feel like you are watching the same video in your head. And the ruminating (another Lovefraud word) ”¦ which relates to the obsessing and constantly thinking “what if” or how much you love and miss them and how wonderful they were and “what if” you had only done this or that?
Well, nothing, NOTHING you could have done would have changed anything. Or fixed anything. You are left with”¦you. And you will learn to understand yourself, and love yourself, and appreciate yourself in a way you never have before.
It is a journey, this seeking the answers, this journey of understanding, a journey torward physical, emotional, and spiritual health. Your new friends will walk with you and hold your hand.
Welcome. Welcome to Lovefraud Land. Cyber handshake. (Smile).
Peace
Peggywhoever
Yeah Indi … and you are the only son … your siblings are sisters … and mommy’s always love giving daddy the heir to the throne.
Now move over … off that throne… let your sisters get to sit there…
Wow! Brilliant post, Peggy! Thank you, doll..:)
I seriously believe the Lord led me to Lovefraud. He also sent me 3 mentally damaged individuals back to back because I obviously wasn’t recognizing the danger I was dismissing, shrugging off as harmless, being my stubborn, know it all self.
Well, I humbly admit today that I didn’t know squat less than a year ago. That I preferred the illusion, rather than seaking truth, rather than focusing on reality. That evil walks in many appealing (initially) guises and evil latches on the good as a way to exploit and survive a paltry, soulless existence.
I needed the hard lessons to become who I am today. I needed to be involved with people who were ego driven, selfish, cruel, controlling, abusive to be able to acknowledge the beauty, the love, the decency that resides in my heart, my spirit as well as others.
I have benefited tremendously from the heartless, those bereft of conscience, in ways that have strengthened my spirituality, my bond with the Lord.
I would like to share a quote from Martha Stout’s..”Sociopath Next Door” which profoundly explains my determination to understand personality disordered individuals:
“…..only by recognizing the dark can we make a genuine affirmation of the light.”
Amen, Miss Stout.
Peace, love and joy to all
peacefulnow: Once sibling rivalry takes hold … the parents are out of the picture as far as the jealous child is concerned … you can’t get through to jealousy. THEY DON’T HEAR YOU (AS A PARENT) … THEY ARE TOO BUSY BEING JEALOUS AND COMPETING WITH THE SIBLING THAT IS THE FOCUS OF THEIR ANGER.
Wini: OK, just for arguments’ sake, let’s just say that sibling rivalry causes a person to exhibit sociopathic behavior. Even so, your responses all beg the question – What makes some “hell bent on being jealous” and what makes “sibling rivalry take hold” in some but not in others?
THANK YOU PEGGY:
I can not tell you what good timing this post was/is.
Don’t get your skillet’s out !!!I have my own and I have just BOINKED myself.
I have been feeling very sorry for myself all day. It was this day last year that I had just got back home to my Ex after going back “home” to be at my sisters side when she died last Oct 9th of breast cancer. I had literaly got off the plane, picked up a car a friend let me borrow and arrived at the hospital only to have her die a few moments later. When I got to her friends house after we left the hospital, I had a call from the counselor my husband and I had been seeing. I called and he proceeded to give me a hard time about not calling to cancel my appointment which was scheduled for that very day. I explained what happened and told him I thought my husband was still going to attend and thought that he would call. He continued to “scold” me and when ALL my sisters friends said “GIVE ME THE PHONE”, I just hung up….. I decided to stay a few days after the services because my son was expecting his first child. I felt that my EX was a big boy and could take care of him self just fine. A few days before I was going to return I was in a car accident and “TOTALED” my friends car. I found someone who let me do some cleaning work so I could come up with the $500 deductable. When I arrived home, fist “he” said very matter of factly “how are you” when I started to anwser I realized he did not really care, so I said nothing further. Then he said “by the way, I did not get a chance to change the sheets (I was gone 3 weeks) and I only have one pair of underware left. That was the first moment I thought (I just can not do this anymore). He then said I know it is our annaversery but we’ll do something next weekend. (of course we never did). I told him this would have been my sisters 40th birthday…please..I can not just sit home in bed all weekend (he would litteraly sit in bed all weekend)…it was the first time I was up set and did not hold it in. He smashed the remote and took off, he had taken off once before after I got out of the cardiac unit. He stayed away for almost a week, so I started to pack my stuff. He came back and never said a word, the weekend was over and we did nothing.
So, even though I have been gone for 6 months for some reason I felt like I should be packing to go back home just as I did this time last year. Yesterday, I drove to my sisters home town and put flowers and a ballon on the treee her job planted for her.
I was just going to go on line and look up flights, so I could go back sit in front of my EX’s door and demand he tell me what the hell happened. Why, “because I feel every thing…I MEAN EVERYTHING you post said. I can’t stop .
WHY CAN”T I stop thinking of someone who treated me soooo poorly…..I am so glad I do not have any gun’s in my house because I have felt like popping myself in my head so the thoughts stop. Do not worry, I will not….Then he really win’s…I am not crazy, but I feel crazy at times….and he sits and goes on in life like nothing ever happened and I am the B.
I could not stop crying after I read your post, because everything hit home. Thank you And I am sooooooo very greatful I found this site. No one else does understand…
peacefulnow: Good question. All I know is that parents have nothing to due when sibling rivalry takes hold.
I know my sister never paid attention to anything my parents told us as children, as a group. If they had a one on one with her, she’d listen. She listened because she was being singled out and needed the attention. That’s why she listened, her jealousy was not blinding her if she had one on one interactions with my parents … but, have my parents say something in a group to all of us … she refused to listen, she was too busy being jealous over me being in the room. Her focus was back on me again, her wrath.
It’s the same thing I saw with my co-workers, seething because I was in the room. I once hung out with all of them (we were all around the same age) … broke apart after a falling out, never to hang out as friends again … just cordial co-workers from then on out… but their seething continued … the jealousy, the control … they’d actually tell other co-workers who partied with me the previous Friday night after work that they were traitors … traitors to go out happy hour with me … but it was OK for them to go out happy hour-ing with other co-workers … but me, it was off limits.
If I saw any of them one on one in work … without the others in site … they’d be putty in my hands, falling all over me … it was like this please, please, please be my friend again … we won’t tell anyone.
I couldn’t. They were too out of control with their lives and never looked inside themselves to fix their pain … so it was suicidal of me to go back into the fold … ended up being a double edge sword … but … sa la vie.
What I’m saying is … parents have nothing to do with the will of a child … after they come into the world. You may think you are getting through to your child, but once, one of the vices in life takes off and they are focused … they are off with the vice controlling their lives.
Peace.
Molly, I’m so sorry to hear about your sister. I can’t believe your counselor wasn’t more understanding. I’m not clear on what your relationship is with your ex and how he is still in your life (?). I wish there was one place to access everyone’s story by clicking on their user title. I forget so many details of what I read.
My comment before about sociopaths lacking a moral conscience was not to conclude how they got to be that way. When I first came to this site, I was convinced that they were all traumatized by childhood abuse and could be healed. But it seems there may also be some genetic component, as I’ve been reading. The point is, for the sake of your own well being, DOES IT REALLY MATTER? You can’t save them. It is not your job. Unless the person has the ability to introspect (and most of them don’t), they will not change, no matter what you do. You can pray for them, but from a distance. Until a conscience magically appears in their psyche, they will not change.
I was trying to imagine what it’s like not to have a moral conscience. What would I do? Would I rob banks? Would I kill people? I am not into violence and blood letting. I’m into clothes. I’d probably shoplift from every fine clothing store in Colorado. (Of course I wouldn’t being who I am now, but if I didn’t have a conscience, that would be my target of choice). I’m not saying this to be funny. I’m just pointing out that these people are like (as the Dalai Lama says) human beings who are not completely developed. They are missing an important piece.
I think there are many other ways to get screwed up in childhood (and I have probably experienced most of them). And many of those ways are not resilient to healing. But whatever makes a sociopath a sociopath makes him/her resistant to change. Like a snake cannot be other than a snake.
Dear Peacefulnow,
I also have one normal child (age 39 now) and one psychopathic one, and my p-son also didn’t ‘sprout horns’ until teenaged years except for one episode at age 11.
Wini, and i agree to disagree about the causation of psychopathic behavior. i am unfortunately a genetic minefield for psychopathic behavior having ps on both sides of my family tree, and my father a full-blown well developed violent psychopath. My sons’ grandfathers are BOTH psychopaths, so the boys got the TRIPLE whammy geneticly.
I have raised animals all my life in large numbers and ‘personality” and “attitude” breed pretty true in them from my experience and i see no reason that humans should be any different, we are mammals after all. I DO believe that the Ps have a choice about how they behave, just as a man with the genes for alcoholism has a choice whether to drink or not. Ps know right from wrong, but they make the choice to do what they want to do instead of what is right.
I ‘feel for’ you if you have a child who is showing signs of N-ism or P-ism, it is a helpless feeling to know that there is nothing you can do to “save’ that child from themselves. I wasted many years and tears trying to hold on to hope that my son would change into something not quite so monsterous. I could have saved myself a lot of grief if I had just accepted the TRUTH 20 yrs ago and gone and stayed NC then instead of now. It was a painful decision at the time I did go nc but I am so glad now I did. Life is much nicer.
Thank you all for your kind comments. Lovefraud has been an incredible source of information and healing for me in the past year. I am presently (on most days) out of the fog at last. There are still occasional setbacks and obsessing, however. The 3-year experience with the sociopath was the most emotionally painful of my life. He betrayed everything that I held dear…truth, love, kindness, respect, communication, and fidelity.
I have not been working for 6 months (PTSD) and am presently re-evaluating everything…and everyone in my life. Much reflection and introspection, not to mention healing, has resulted. I now adhere to the philosophy “one red flag and you’re out”.
I wish you all understanding, joy, and peace. It is an amazing process to go through, the identification of a loved one as a sociopath and the realization that they are “unfixable”. I would not wish this experience on anyone.
However, I do find that I appreciate more the “good” people of integrity in my life, and there are many. I believe that “truth is stranger than fiction” and find myself listening to…and believing…revelations that would have previously seemed to be from delusional people. Because frankly, if my story hadn’t happened to me, I would have had difficulty believing it. In trusting and believing myself, I trust and believe in the stories of all the other victims.
If this article has helped even one person, then I am very grateful. Blessings and peace to all of you.
Peggy Pseu
P.S. I would like to credit AlohaTraveler for her use of the phrase “Lovefraud Land” and of her support through e-mail and on the phone this past year. She is an amazing person; communicating with her has greatly increased my understanding of sociopaths (and/or borderline personality disorders) and has accelerated the healing process. Thanks, Aloha!
And Donna, I cannot thank you enough for having the wisdom, courage, heart, and hard work to make this site a reality.
Hey Oxy and Peacefulnow: The only thing I can suggest is that these children need to go to Bible Study where there are actual instructors to oversee and explain how to break down the Bible (give them plenty of home work to read on their own, wouldn’t hurt) … so they can understand what they are reading … then off to a counselor that works them through their vice (which clouds their minds, sight, hearing) in a generic way, not identifying the actual person they are focused on, but generically. Then as they make progress and understand the problem, maybe then a therapist can work on their warped perceptions about the actual person they are so hell bent about … their original focus.
Hey my sister’s number is 1-800-DRI- VE ME CRAZY.
Only kidding … I still love her, but she is the very first person that made me cry in my life, and then cry and cry and cry. At my age, I’ve had enough … get a grip on your anger or … zoom, I’m outta here.
Peace and harmony, harmony and peace … this is my mantra tonight.