By Peggywhoever
Welcome to Lovefraud Land! Again, welcome. Cyber handshake.. (Smile).
This is not a vacation location. But it is a destination. You can find your path to healing here.
Tell me, you Googled the word “Sociopath.” You have just ended a most painful relationship. Or rather, THEY ended the relationship. And you are left as an emotional shipwreck.
See how many adjectives apply. Hurt. Betrayed. Confused. Damaged. State of Disbelief. Questioning them. Questioning you. Questioning everyone. Questioning everything. Why? Why? Why? What is going on here?
You have come to the right place. Having come out of the most bizarre, twisted and contorted relationship of your life as though you were an emotional contortionist, you will find answers. And peace.
You have been abused, perhaps for the first time, and perhaps you have a lifetime of abuse. You are in pain. You can barely function. It is difficult to get out of bed in the morning. You feel frozen. You can barely make the effort to eat. Sound familiar? You are sick”¦emotionally sick, physically sick, sick to the core of your psyche.
Being in a relationship with a Sociopath takes everything you hold dear”¦your values, your code of ethics, your trust in love, honor, and commitment and turns them upside down. And then they are stomped on. Your body is on alert, you may have feelings of depression, anxiety, paranoia, as well as PTSD symptoms. You can barely function at your job… Your friends and family are tired of hearing your story. Nobody understands. Nobody listens. You feel that nobody cares.
Well, at Lovefraud Land, we DO care. You have friends now. New friends. People who have walked in your shoes. You have friends who will listen, REALLY listen to you and help advise you. Free counseling. Not necessarily from licensed professionals, but people who are seasoned and licensed in the game of life.
Because, to a sociopath it is a game. A one-sided game. They win, you lose. They are the victims. Always. You can never play the game right. The rules change as soon as you figure it out.
You are never enough. Were never enough. You were not bright enough, handsome/pretty enough, clever and witty enough, attractive enough, enough, ENOUGH!
It is not about you. It was never about you. It is about them. Everything, EVERYTHING about a Sociopath revolves around them. Always has, always will.
YOU WERE ALWAYS ENOUGH.
What is about you is your ”¦ well, YOUNESS! Your uniqueness. You were chosen, targeted even by a sociopath for your intrinsic goodness. Your loving heart, compassionate nature, blind trust, and helpfulness were strong factors in them choosing you as a victim.
You cannot change a sociopath. Ever. You cannot fix them. The best thing you can do is STAY AWAY FROM THEM. Always. Forever. This is known at Lovefraud Land as NC (No contact).. That means no face-to-face contact, no telephone conversations, no e-mail, no text messaging, NOTHING. Because any contact with them will only bring you pain.
Oh, and the obsessing. Thinking of them night and day. Day and night. Over and over and over until you feel like you are watching the same video in your head. And the ruminating (another Lovefraud word) ”¦ which relates to the obsessing and constantly thinking “what if” or how much you love and miss them and how wonderful they were and “what if” you had only done this or that?
Well, nothing, NOTHING you could have done would have changed anything. Or fixed anything. You are left with”¦you. And you will learn to understand yourself, and love yourself, and appreciate yourself in a way you never have before.
It is a journey, this seeking the answers, this journey of understanding, a journey torward physical, emotional, and spiritual health. Your new friends will walk with you and hold your hand.
Welcome. Welcome to Lovefraud Land. Cyber handshake. (Smile).
Peace
Peggywhoever
Thank you so much everyone and I am going to email Donna Anderson. I am nervous about posting certain things on here because now he is researching… but I do have a question maybe someone can help me with?
I want to know why me? I feel targeted for some reason. Between leaving me, cheating with other females, and going back and forth from loving to treating me so inhumane I need to know why he is with me. If he is a sociopath… why does he keep picking me? He tells me I am his opposite and I complete him. He tells me he would always protect me. He seems extremely protective over me as if he owns me… but he doesn’t seem to understand why my feelings get hurt when he does things that upset me. What is it that I have that he wants?… I need to know and I need to know how to not be a “perfect target”… thanks again everyone. Its very difficult to talk to anyone about this and I am trying to answer a lot of questions.
God Bless.
Truthseeker
Dear Truthseeker,
The thing is … you are not the only one he has or is targeting. He just makes you feel like you are the only one..or “the best one”….
He is with you… or they have all been with us..because…
WE ALLOW or ALLOWED THEM TO BE AND TO KEEP RETURNING.
Need to stop listening to and believing his words — its in his actions…leaving you, cheating on you, going back and forth, inhumane… those are your answers about him and who he is. his words are just words.
Its not that he doesnt understand why your feelings get hurt — its that he just doesnt care why your feelings get hurt. He wants you to be his perfect little puppy who never complains and lets him do whatever he wants.
You have what he wants ( what we all have had) after going thru this…
little self=respect, low self- trust, minimal self -love…
To not be the perfect target — find your self-respect, your self-love and self-trust…. believe in you and what you deserve and dont settle for him or his crumbs…
None of which is easy but all of which is possible.. only when you have truly had enough of him and his never changing ways… you are the ship that steers the change for yourself in your life…when you are ready!!!
Hang in there!!!
Truthseeker:
He’s ‘standard’.
You are a loving caring trusting person…..all good qualities.
I think you are onto a very very good start with your question!
Do you have a therapist you are working with?
This was my question and I am seeing things in my journey of healing that i placed myslef out into the world as……and quite frankly still vulnerable……WE ALL ARE!
Unless we are S’s too, and don’t give a damn, or have a heart……ofcourse we are vulnerable.
I would continue down your path of finding your answers…..none of us here can answer that for you……..but through our journeys and shared experiences you will find…..you are seeking!
GREAT START!
(Assuming your out and NC!!!!) THis is a must.
You are not broken, so don’t try to fix anything…….
Raise your awareness, educate yourself……and read read read what others here have lived and learned…….learn through others journeys.
You do not need to be in any hurry to ‘tell your story’…..If your scared. We all have a clue…..
I suggest writing it down, continue to write things down as they come to you, as you figure it out…..its a great excercise.
When the time is right….if you feel okay….then post it…..if not, we all fully understand.
Keep yourself safe……#1~~~!!!!!!
The question of ‘WHY’ is perplexing……for sure!
Put it this way…….WHY does a non smoker get cancer? WHY is the earth round…..WHY , WHY, WHY……
This is the crazymaking question! You will find your answer through your self education……Maybe, or maybe not.
WHY, because he’s a sociopath and he set you up to be his victim……is that good enough…..no it still leaves a ‘why’……
Don’t go there!
He wants someone to be puppeteir to, he wants to control HIS world, he wants to be GOD, if you want to be in a relationship with him, you MUST WORSHIP HIM, take his abuse, allow him to be the ‘boss’ and go along with anything he desires and BTW….shut up and like it!!!!!
NOT a normal relationship, not a normal person…..the farther away you get from him (with time) the more you will see this……the FOG will life, you will be able to put on your decoder glasses and see it for what it is…..you will accept it and grow, but allow it time!
OH, and yeah……YOU WON”T CHANGE HIM!!!!!! PERIOD!!!
Good luck girl…..keep reading…..we are here!
XXOO
EB
Hi everyone,
I wanted to say I haven’t visited this site in a while but I am back. No matter how hard I try to believe he is not a sociopath… it just keeps showing up. Everything I search and read… antisocial personality disorder keeps showing up… sociopath…. I am not sure what to believe anymore… how can someone I love so much… be empty? I feel the need to love and protect him… although he hurts me; I’m not sure what is wrong with me.
Its been about a year since I thought he was a sociopath. I have been watching him… I know the rule; no contact and I have read the books… but how do I know for sure? What if I am wrong? He read some information and said it sounds like him… but then he added no, because he is fond of certain people. He told me a long time ago he “doesn’t feel the right emotions” and I had no idea what that meant (this was like 5 years ago) I thought maybe he is depressed? He told me he suffered from depression but it didn’t seem right… he seemed bored and lazy more then sad. I tried to relate because I myself suffer from anxiety. Recently I asked him if he felt sad… ever… and he stared at me and said, no, and I asked if he feels bad for hurting others and he said, no, “pity” and I asked…. if he had a conscience…. he laughed and said no…. these questions were asked randomly and he answered them… then acted like he didn’t know what he just said to me and told me he was scared… he also grabbed my throat…. yeah I know I can feel you all screaming at me now….
There is a history of pain and I am trying to endure it and really understand him… I don’t want to believe he is a sociopath…. what if he’s not? What if it’s something else?…
Thanks for reading and I will post more about my experience as time goes on I can’t do it all at once I try to forget as much as I can right now….
-TS
TS—-it doesn’t matter WHAT he is. Let’s say he is just a garden variety jerk. Let’s even say he is a WONDERFUL guy who has hurt you. Why do you feel the need to love and protect someone who has hurt you? That is not your job. Your job is to love and protect yourself FIRST and foremost.
Forget the diagnosis and just read some good common sense at , for instance, http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/category/mr-unavailable/
In a way, when he try to “fix” these guys, we are trying to control them! He has the right to be as big a jerk as he wants to be. He just doesn’t have the right to treat YOU that way, if you make that clear. If he then walks, GOOD. Your boundary has rejected him!
My fiance was a wonderful guy who decided to grab my throat one night. I took off the ring and threw it on the floor. He had crossed a line. I hate to say it, because I love dogs, but if a dog crosses the line and draws blood from you, he will do it again and is a very dangerous dog that you can’t take a chance on living with. Same with a man.
Do you know how hard it is to change yourself? How many years it takes? And you have to WANT to change. You are beating your head against a brick wall and TRYING TO MAKE HIM BECOME A BETTER PERSON. If HE wanted to do that, he’d be taking action steps. He’d be getting therapy. He’s enroll in anger management classes. He would say “Let me please earn your trust back over the next year if you are willing to give me a chance.” But even then, I would tell him, buddy, you had your chance and you blew it. If you really want to help HIM, maybe losing you forever will be a life lesson he will take to heart and someone else can have him in five years if he manages to straighten himself out.
But the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. He doesn’t even feel remorse.
What is compelling you to put your life at risk and devote your soul to saving someone who doesn’t want to be saved?
I’m sounding harsh. I’ve been you, believe me. I’m finally recovered. God, I wish someone had convinced me long ago to MIND MY OWN BUSINESS. MY life, MY happiness. I’m a good hearted GIVING person, but I devote myself to, for instance, abused animals who now need a loving home with patience. THEY want and need and APPRECIATE the help.
Hugs to you.
I meant when WE try to fix these guys.
PS THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. You have wonderful traits of empathy, tons of love to give, understanding, forgiveness, etc. GREAT if you are dealing with a sweet puppy dog. BAD if what you have in your lap is instead a rattlesnake.
YOU”VE got a rattlesnake. It has already struck at you and at others. You keep wishing and hoping that it is kitten or a puppy. It is NOT. It will hurt you because that is what they do.
Truthseeker:
Rather than trying to pin a diagnosis on him, maybe the better starting point for you would be to ask yourself “how does this relationship make me feel?”
It is obvious to me you have invested a lot emotionally in him. But, you, at least from where I am standing, am not getting a lot back in return.
I felt exactly the same emotions with my S as you feel with the person in your life. I felt the need to protect him. I was constantly being hurt by him. I kept trying to change myself to meet his ever moving goal-lines. And mine exhibited a lot of the same behavior your’s did. At the end I decided he was a sociopath. But whether or not he meets all the criteria in Robert Hare’s checklist is irrelevant. As he himself points out, all you need are one or two of the indicators on his checklist and you should get out.
Do not let the fact the person in your life is “fond” of a few people make you think he is a human. Robert Hare in “Without Conscience” makes the point that some sociopaths can experience “fondness” for people whom they can’t use to their advantage. Some criteria for membership in the human race, huh? That the S can’t find some way to use someone (at that moment) and so feels “fondness” for them.
My question to you is — why would you settle for “fondness” at best? I note that you didn’t say he was “fond” of you. You’ve put 5 years into this “relationship”. You are studying him like a clinical psych project, trying to make sense of nonsense. Why do you want to waste your life pouring water into a cup with a hole in the bottom?
Whatever he is — or isn’t — the relationship is not making you happy. I think you need to turn the focus on you and your needs for a change, instead of focusing on him and his needs.
Turning the attention away from S and back to myself was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But, I realized I had to do it to save myself — because I was near suicide and just a about physically broken. So, I turned off the love. I turned off the understanding. I turned off the compassion. I turned it all off and focused on me and how he made me feel. And the answer, in a word, was “miserable.”
So, forget enduring the pain. If he gave a damn about you he wouldn’t to see you in pain. Forget understanding him. He isn’t interested in understanding him. Instead understand yourself, focus on your needs and ultimately you will find a new and satisfying relationship with a genuine partner who is interested in you and your needs, who is emotionally available, and who can feel more than “fondness” for you.
Here’s another great article from that same site:
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-in-the-head-of-mr-unavailables-and-assclowns-if-i-was-that-bad-she-wouldnt-be-with-me/
Fair use quote:
“All of these guys are disconnected from the reality of their behaviour and most take the basics of human interaction, acceptance and rejection, at a basic level:
If you accept my behaviour in any, way, shape or form, then you must be OK with it, which means that I’m not a bad guy, which means you know what you’re dealing with, which means you put your hand in the fire so of course you’re going to get burnt.
In their world, people who really are that bad, don’t have women trying to keep them, chase them, and commit them to a relationship.”
In other words, they have no reason to change…we keep “understanding”
THEY are the problem….show that by rejecting them!
Here is a different quote I found:
“Search your own heart for what it is you really want in a relationship and settle for nothing less. Don’t second-guess the mindset of someone else, try to manipulate a situation, or spend your time entertaining dreams of what might be. Be true to yourself. It’s the only way for your dreams really to come true.”
It took me more than a year to follow the great advice I was given. Don’t be too hard on yourself.