By Peggywhoever
Welcome to Lovefraud Land! Again, welcome. Cyber handshake.. (Smile).
This is not a vacation location. But it is a destination. You can find your path to healing here.
Tell me, you Googled the word “Sociopath.” You have just ended a most painful relationship. Or rather, THEY ended the relationship. And you are left as an emotional shipwreck.
See how many adjectives apply. Hurt. Betrayed. Confused. Damaged. State of Disbelief. Questioning them. Questioning you. Questioning everyone. Questioning everything. Why? Why? Why? What is going on here?
You have come to the right place. Having come out of the most bizarre, twisted and contorted relationship of your life as though you were an emotional contortionist, you will find answers. And peace.
You have been abused, perhaps for the first time, and perhaps you have a lifetime of abuse. You are in pain. You can barely function. It is difficult to get out of bed in the morning. You feel frozen. You can barely make the effort to eat. Sound familiar? You are sick”¦emotionally sick, physically sick, sick to the core of your psyche.
Being in a relationship with a Sociopath takes everything you hold dear”¦your values, your code of ethics, your trust in love, honor, and commitment and turns them upside down. And then they are stomped on. Your body is on alert, you may have feelings of depression, anxiety, paranoia, as well as PTSD symptoms. You can barely function at your job… Your friends and family are tired of hearing your story. Nobody understands. Nobody listens. You feel that nobody cares.
Well, at Lovefraud Land, we DO care. You have friends now. New friends. People who have walked in your shoes. You have friends who will listen, REALLY listen to you and help advise you. Free counseling. Not necessarily from licensed professionals, but people who are seasoned and licensed in the game of life.
Because, to a sociopath it is a game. A one-sided game. They win, you lose. They are the victims. Always. You can never play the game right. The rules change as soon as you figure it out.
You are never enough. Were never enough. You were not bright enough, handsome/pretty enough, clever and witty enough, attractive enough, enough, ENOUGH!
It is not about you. It was never about you. It is about them. Everything, EVERYTHING about a Sociopath revolves around them. Always has, always will.
YOU WERE ALWAYS ENOUGH.
What is about you is your ”¦ well, YOUNESS! Your uniqueness. You were chosen, targeted even by a sociopath for your intrinsic goodness. Your loving heart, compassionate nature, blind trust, and helpfulness were strong factors in them choosing you as a victim.
You cannot change a sociopath. Ever. You cannot fix them. The best thing you can do is STAY AWAY FROM THEM. Always. Forever. This is known at Lovefraud Land as NC (No contact).. That means no face-to-face contact, no telephone conversations, no e-mail, no text messaging, NOTHING. Because any contact with them will only bring you pain.
Oh, and the obsessing. Thinking of them night and day. Day and night. Over and over and over until you feel like you are watching the same video in your head. And the ruminating (another Lovefraud word) ”¦ which relates to the obsessing and constantly thinking “what if” or how much you love and miss them and how wonderful they were and “what if” you had only done this or that?
Well, nothing, NOTHING you could have done would have changed anything. Or fixed anything. You are left with”¦you. And you will learn to understand yourself, and love yourself, and appreciate yourself in a way you never have before.
It is a journey, this seeking the answers, this journey of understanding, a journey torward physical, emotional, and spiritual health. Your new friends will walk with you and hold your hand.
Welcome. Welcome to Lovefraud Land. Cyber handshake. (Smile).
Peace
Peggywhoever
Okay, I gotta ask:
I know most of you have been burned by significant others and family members. My S was considered a friend and is now my husband’s ex-wife.
My question is, what do I have to do to stop obsessing? Part of my problem is that I can’t cut her out of my life. She will be a part of it because of shared children. But at what point can I expect to have my life back, my thoughts, feelings and emotions back?
Where am I at in my process of healing? I know I don’t want anything to do with her, but how do I make myself hardened against her attacks? How do I stop trying to foresee her next angle and just get on with life? But then the question is, I was told never to let my guard down, so how do I do that and not obsess?
Help?
kerisee04: 2 things worked for me.
1. I acknowledged that I needed to change my focus, analyzed myself, made changes.
2. I read Tolle’s book “A New Earth” and learned how to go into the “now” … which is fantastic, no pain in the now.
And there is something else I forgot to mention … tis better to be a willow tree, than an oak. A mighty oak is a strong beautiful, hearty tree but can be felled at the slightest wind … whereas, the willow can stand up to the harshest of what mother nature has to offer and is still standing as the winds die down.
Peace. Try to be a willow.
I did that ! obsess !
I think as much as humanly possible NC ! I know thats gota be the most difficult part in the situation of a family member or ex husand/wife ! It will be difficult to explain to them , to the children , to relatives ! But hey Life is to Short to risk association with Psycos ! It’s just not worth It !
which part of NO do (we) not understand? LOVE jere
Wini, If sibling rivalry and jealousy is the problem as you see it, how do you explain sociopathic traits in a child who is an only child?
And if teaching a child the Bible and having them read and study it solves the sociopathic problem, how do you explain the child who is brought up in a religious family, is taken to church regularly, the family teaches and lives the Bible in the home, yet the child still is a sociopath and engages in antisocial behavior?
Kerisee,
Fill your day with distractions, and especially things that make you feel good and laugh. For some of us, energy work (such as Reiki) has been extremely helpful. It can actually shift thought patterns, because thoughts are a form of energy. For others, giving all of the obsessing over to a higher power is very helpful too. Let God (or whatever your higher power is) take care of it. I did this for weeks and weeks every time I lay down to sleep. It really helped. Ultimately, as Wini says, the goal is to take back the energy you focus on her and focus it on yourself. This is how you take back your power, my dear–by not giving her so much control over your thoughts and feelings. Some of the obsessing goes away by itself over time. Some of it is a conscious choice, and you have to work at it. There are things in life you cannot control, especially regarding her. So if you cannot change those things, there is no point to worry about them.
Sending you a huge hug.
StarG
Oxy,
It’s comforting to know that I am not alone, and I thank you for reminding me of it. I’ve learned so much from reading your posts since I found this site a couple of months ago, and I think you are very kind to share your story with all of us so that we can glean whatever knowledge we can from your experience. I hope that my child (20) never reaches the point of violence, but I can’t say I would be surprised if it happens given the right circumstances. She is the one who has for the time being decided not to be in contact with me, as I won’t countenance her controlling behavior toward me. (She stays in contact with her malignant narcissist father, who is for the most part out of my life for two years now, hence my “peaceful” state now.) I’m beginning to feel that it’s actually a lucky circumstance that she is giving me the silent treatment despite the fact that I’m supporting her through college. Over the last year I have begun to accept that there is nothing I can do any longer to influence the choices she makes in life, again and again, choices that make her heart/life smaller and darker. I still hold out a slim hope that something may happen in her life to awaken her to the possibility of the fuller, happier life that giving, rather than always taking, brings us. But that seems more and more in the realm of a miracle, the more time that passes. As you said, it is a helpless feeling to watch from a distance. And to wonder what kind of havoc she will wreak on innocent lives. But as I said, it’s comforting to know that I’m not the only mother to feel this – and I can’t even begin to compare my feelings with what you have survived, Oxy. You are a role model for me. Hope that doesn’t freak you out to hear that!
Kerisee,
Yes – accepting that you have no control over their actions is key. Much easier said than done. I remember, though, the epiphany moment I had (not pleasant), when the court psychologist answered my question: “Is there anything I can do to help my daughter in her relationship with her (narcissist) father?” (concerning the un-disturbed daughter) And his blunt answer, looking me straight in the eye: “NOTHING.”
They will behave as they behave. You are right, as long as you have care of the children, you can’t rest, you have to do what you can to make a good, healthy, peaceful home for them. But you simply cannot have ANY control over what that disordered person does. The only control you have is over you. There you have complete control. I don’t know if this will work for you, but once I realized that, I was nearly home-free from my disordered ex-spouse who had emotionally abused me for nearly two decades. I wish you well, wish you and the children the best. They are lucky to have you in their lives.
Thanks all. I will put your words to use. Anything helps right now.
I will try to be a willow (very good analogy). I know that I cannot control her. The hard part is controlling myself when she tries to control my husband…uncontrollably. And the threats–they’ve died down quite a bit, except she’s replaced them with irresponsible parenting and over-reliance on my reliability. I just feel constantly taken advantage of and I can’t say no because it’s for the kids. And she knows that.
kerisee, On a unrelated subject I totally agree with your theory on prevailance of females with APD (different blog). Excuse my complete lack of knowledge of your case. But if you and your husband are still currently in your custody battle I would like to talk and share notes. I’m in the last few months of mine and unless the judge goes against the evaluator and psychologists suggestions I will have saved my daughter. I’m not exactly sure how we can communicate. Any ideas? One thing I can tell you is my ex’s pschopathy is a double edged sword. The common edge( The one all of us on LF know so well) and the edge that points back at herself. If not for that edge I would stand very little(if any) chance of saving my daughter. The key is documenting that edge and getting professionals invovled that recognize it and know how dangerous is.
Peggywhoever – if I ever need to expalin to someone what happened to me in 2008 – I will hand them your post – thank you [The rules change as soon as you figure it out] – No Contact – ever again – changed numbers – locked the gate – I won – he lost – he is the lowest of the low – he is gone……..