Editor’s note: Although this post describes the Judeo-Christian scripture, Lovefraud respects and honors all religious and spiritual traditions.
By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
One of my favorite books of the Bible is Proverbs, which was attributed to Solomon, King of Israel, the son of King David. Though reputedly the wisest man in the world, Solomon didn’t always put his philosophies and wisdom to good use in his own life. Nonetheless, the book does have a lot of wisdom in it, including this description of a psychopath.
Proverbs 6:12-19, I think, is a perfect description of the psychopath.
The New Living Bible translation:
12 What are worthless and wicked people like? They are constant liars,
13 signaling their deceit with a wink of the eye, a nudge of the foot, or the wiggle of fingers.
14 Their perverted hearts plot evil,Ӭand they constantly stir up trouble.
15 But they will be destroyed suddenly,Ӭbroken in an instant beyond all hope of healing.
16 There are six things the Lord hates —”¨no, seven things he detests:
17 haughty eyes,Ӭa lying tongue,Ӭhands that kill the innocent,
18 a heart that plots evil,Ӭfeet that race to do wrong,
19 a false witness who pours out lies, a person who sows discord in a family.
Psychopathy is not something new in the world, it is just that we, as former victims or associates of these people, have become acutely aware of the evil that people can do to others. We have personally experienced the pain that comes from the betrayal of a lover, friend, family member, child, parent, or someone else who was very close to us, someone we trusted.
Psychopaths have been around since the beginning of humanity and they have preyed on others. They have risen to the highest levels as kings and dictators of countries, like Stalin and Mao, who have been responsible for the deaths of perhaps a hundred million of people, or they have simply preyed on those that were close to them. The majority of the suffering that mankind as a whole endures, both in mass and individually, is because of the actions of psychopaths.
We may not be able, as individuals, to avoid the mega-troubles brought on by psychopathic rulers, but by learning the “red flags” of a psychopath, by learning how to avoid these people on an individual level in the future, we can keep ourselves safer. We can teach others and teach our children how to recognize these evil ones, and how to avoid becoming intimate with them, how to avoid letting them con us financially and emotionally.
There are many great articles here at Lovefraud that talk about the things that we can spot in a person to see that they are possibly high in psychopathic traits. We call these traits “Red Flags,” because they signal that there is danger in the person who is behaving in that manner. If we ignore these red flags, we will absolutely become embroiled in their deceit and chaos.
The eight short verses above describe perfectly the psychopaths in our lives, who leave behind misery and pain.
The Bible (in verse 17) refers to “haughty eyes,” where in today’s language we would call it arrogance. If a person acts in an arrogant and “entitled” manner, we can see that there is a good chance this person does not value other people highly, but values himself above others.
Verse 12 calls them “constant liars,” which is pretty plain in even today’s language. People who lie continually, sometimes “when the truth would fit better,” are not people we can trust. Doing “business” of any kind with a person who is a “constant liar” is very risky because they cannot be trusted.
Verse 13 speaks about how they “signal their deceit” with a wink of the eye. They make light of their dishonesty, showing that honesty and forthrightness is not something that they value highly.
Verse 14 talks about how they “stir up trouble,” and if that is not a perfect signal, a bright red flag, that someone is up to no good, I don’t know what is. People who are “drama queens and kings” are continually creating chaos and unnecessary pain for others.
Verse 18 speaks about those that “plot evil,” which is pretty clearly something that a psychopath does. This may be something that can be observed from the way they treat others, or it may be something that they tell you about how they have treated someone else. Be assured if they treat others badly, you will eventually become one of the people that they will also treat badly, no matter how nicely they treat you today.
“Stirs up trouble in a family” is mentioned in verse 19 (“sows discord in a family”), and is particularly evident in family interactions with the psychopath, as well as business dealings and relationships with their neighbors.
When we see these characteristics in a person’s daily life, or in their past life, we should realize that there are “red flags” waving to warn us that this person, even if they do not qualify as a “full fledged psychopath,” is high enough in the traits of the psychopath that he or she is toxic to those that are connected with them. They are not worthy of our trust…even if it is just a “little bit” arrogant, or a “little bit” of a liar, or stir up a “little bit” of drama, because people who will do these things, who are dishonest and arrogant, will turn on others at their whim. Avoiding toxic and dramatic, lying and deceitful people is the only way that we can protect ourselves. We can’t change these people, any more than we can change a venomous snake. All we can do is to avoid their proximity to us, so that they are not in a position to harm us.
Our trust is something that is precious and something that we must guard by watching for the red flags in the behavior and actions of others. Guard your trust well.
Speaking of animals, here is something I think is AWESOME.
http://www.cnn.com/2011/CRIME/07/12/pet.abuse/index.html?hpt=ju_c2
DV shelters that take in ANIMALS and other shelters for the pets of DV victims!
Thanks for the advice:-) oxy, it’s been s tough few months but I am hanging in there. I’ve learned so much through blogging here and reading various books on personality disorders and Narcissum in particular. Constantine: I had to learn the hard way as far as the contact goes. Any supply I’d good supply because they know that no matter the response they still exist in your world which is just enough to keep them afloat. This experience had been so bizarre however I will forever be thankful for this test of faith. I’m stronger than I dad before him.
Ox: that is awesome!!!!!!! When I fled my home, my X turned all my dogs and foster dogs loose on the property. [he was never mean to my animals]. I was sneaking in daily[cops came with me several times, but mostly I had to sneak in alone] while he was at work to feed and care for them. I have seven acres surrounded by woods. I pulled up and 10 dogs were just running all over the land. Thankfully, nobody bothered them. He had turned my Cocker Spaniel and my little four pound Yorkie out with all the dogs. All my dogs were sweet and good, so it worked out ok. My Cocker and Yorkie chased me down the road when I was leaving to go back to my apt…which was just a few blocks away [x didn’t know]. I picked them up and just sneaked them into the apt and kept those two with me. I sneaked in/out feeding and caring for my two outside dogs and 6 fosters. Did this for a month till I got my hearing and ruling in my favor, forcing my X to leave the house in two weeks. I finally got back into my home and my animals. My animals were fine, but X had taken all my pictures, sentimental items and some of my furniture, even though it was against the orders of the court.
Louise says:
Twice Betrayed:
Wow, what an encounter!!! I feel slimed just reading it! Glad you got out of there fast!
—————————————-
🙂 —-> Good way to put it, Louise!
“I feel slimed….” hahahahahahahahahahaha
My first smile of the day! xxoo
Good Morning Everyone~~!!!!
Twice Betrayed: I am sorry for you that you had to go through the things you did. My heart goes out to you…
I do hope you are doing alright and that life is starting to get better. I don’t understand and will never understand how some people can be the way they are, when only if some consideration and genuine caring were a part of their program…
I think that is horrid. I have been through some of similar things as you…I think my counselor is right: I think I have had a set of losers, one right after another, in my life…there is a reason why I have let these horrible people hurt me so deeply…
Is it my wanting to find love and acceptance?
Is it because I am too kind? A pushover?
Or could it be even deeper?
My counselor said that there is no doubt nor question that I was the victim of extreme child abuse as a child. I have never said a peep to anyone, at anytime, before, about all the horrid things in my childhood. I just accepted it as ‘normal’ and never complained but became strong enough to live with it. I have never been a ‘bad’ person but have struggled and made some hard choices in my life to enable me to live a life that “I” can be proud of. My way; void of the drama; the stress; the chaos…
I made my own way and my own life and helped a few others, too, along the way. 😉 I am not sure how it relates to this experience but somehow it is all tied in together.
That is what I am starting to see.
I am starting to see the answers INSIDE MYSELF.
Displaced love and affection. Is all love displaced?
I never had a mother and father, in the normal sense, growing up. I had one grandparent who raised me: retired army sgt. so you can imagine what that was like. And surprisingly, it wasn’t HIM doing the abusing but the entire ‘family pod’ was dysfunctional. As a child, I grew up seeing arguing, fighting, domestic violence, deep criminal things. It made me grow up wanting to be in law enforcement, it was so horrid!
I have blocked all of those horrid things that I have seen in my life and kept them stored away deep inside where I never had to look at them because I believed you always were strong enough to ‘move ahead’ ‘get over things’ but they pile up on you and they start to come out in different ways….especially when ‘triggered’…
I am trapped in karma even though a truly innocent bystander; I am trapped in other people’s karma; karma that doesn’t belong to me. GIVE ME MY KARMA and not someone elses.
I have always lived a ‘considerate’ life. Have never done any harm to any thing or anyone. I have contributed all of the best of me, in the best possible ways, through my whole life and given people what I would want given to me. But, life doesn’t work that way. Not anymore. Life has changed in my lifetime.
From the age of 8 years old, I have been standing on my own two feet when my ‘biological mother’ was arrested, face down on my bed, early one morning. That was the last time I saw her for about 4-5 years and I was never told what happened or why. Nobody ever told me the truth; not about anything.
I have built my life, such as it is.
I have tried to ‘help’ as much as I possibly could and I was preyed upon and used and connived and deceived and used in all the worse possible ways….emotionally raped and tortured.
As I think most of you know, I have been in counseling going on four years now. Deep counseling.
“IT” was my ‘trigger’. “IT” will always be my trigger. “IT” makes all the rest look oh so NOTHING. It is very difficult trying to change the way you think about things in the medical condition and psychological condition I am in right now, as I know it is for all of us. It is difficult, sometimes, sorting out the thoughts…avoiding the sobbing and the shocking pain I feel inside.
The hardest part for me has been ‘remembering’…
I took all the bad stuff, a long time ago, and buried them in the deepest halls of my memories in order to move forward and now they are catching up with me. I have been trying to sort through them all now and keep the one’s I want and discard the one’s I don’t want anymore. I am in the fight for my life…
I want to taste ‘peace’ one time before I go…
I want to find that ‘peace’ I had before “IT” came along…
But, if I go back to that time: I wouldn’t be ‘who’ I am right this moment…learned, educated, better able to make important life choices and decisions and not get myself trapped into someone else’s sorrow and nightmare. Not become trapped in someone elses karma.
That is their life, you know: sorrows and nightmares.
Their lives have no meaning or purpose. And they don’t know how to find that even if they wanted to. It’s sad that they are so lost and so sick but if you look at it from my point of view:
WE ALL HAVE CHOICES.
WE ALL CAN CHANGE.
It isn’t easy and it takes a lot of self discipline and practice, but I believe we ALL can change. I believe it. IF we only want it bad enough. It takes extreme courage to change yourself. I look at my life, growing up, and by all twists of fate, I should be just like “THEM”: that dysfunctional family…with all their addictions; primal thoughts and reactions; all the drama and the chaos…but I AM NOT. I chose different.
I have a tendency to look at my life and think if “I” can do it, what is “IT’s” TRUE excuse? Sick: schmick. Life is too short trying to ‘treat’ someone elses psychological difficulties. No matter how much we love them.
((((Twice Betrayed)))) Take peace knowing YOU HAVE YOURSELF. 🙂 YAY! You have the two dogs! They are better company than most people!
I will remember you in my prayers.
Take good care of YOU!
Love ~ Dupedster
Dupedster:
I agree. I also came from a very dysfunctional family. Not as abusive as yours, but still, not the best way to grow up. My parents were together, but things overall in my family just weren’t normal. So I think I also (as you have) always just pushed my feelings down inside. I think this is why I am “different.” And I think it all came pouring out after being hurt by the X spath and the OW. It has been a long, lonely journey healing from this as I can’t talk to anyone about it except on here. THANK GOD I found LF. It has truly saved me.
So sorry, Dupedster, that you had to go through all the things you have. Love you, lady and hugs to you.
Duped: What wonderfully kind things to say to me! VERY encouraging! I am sorry you have suffered, also! But, you know what? I turned a corner this week in my mind/life!!!!!!! I am so excited-I have come to know/understand/believe, even though many things were not my fault, many were of my own stupid choices-they worked for my good! It has all worked to shape me into a better, wiser and more understanding person. I am at peace with what has happened to me. Life too easy does not produce appreciation. I appreciate life/friends/animals etc. I cannot explain it totally…but to say I have a strange sense of appreciation and peace.
HUGS to you!!!!!!!! â¤
Louise: it was a yucky experience with that ‘slimeball’ LOLOLOLOL!
Thanks Louise and Twice Betrayed for your responses…
My family was so dysfunctional and they were what is called: “high operating sociopaths”. My Grandfather who raised me kind of kept the family ‘in line’ whenever he was around. People just don’t stop and think what they are doing to their children when they act sometimes the way they do. By their actions, they sentenced me to a lifetime of emotional torture because of the way they acted and because of their ‘hush hush’ attitude regarding really important, “grounding” issues: like one, my real ‘mom’ was a heroin addict. Don’t you think it is better to tell a child the truth than to lead it on!? Especially since my life was so very ‘on the line’ by her actions? Not my whole life growing up was I EVER explained ANYTHING: “Do it; don’t do it; I love you-I hate you” with the exception of my Grandfather. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t have a clue how to act and I think sometimes sociopaths are born just from this very scenario.
I was heavily taught that: “All for one, one for all” military attitude. I was taught that what we do in this life is, to the best of our ability, exude kindnesses and courtesies but above all ‘loyalty’. Never leave ANYONE behind. I have spent my entire life trying to NOT leave anyone ‘behind’. That’s the point. All of the other people who have been in and out of my life, I can honestly say….all of the other emotional difficulties I have had along the way, WERE directly attributed to my childhood and the way I grew up and was raised. THEN my own choices took over. Although I found my Grandfather to be a very good, strict, faith filled man of honor and loyalty, the rest of the family was absolutely horrid. Most military too; imagine that! 😉
I shall forever be grateful to my Grandfather because without HIM, what basis would I ever have to be a ‘parent’; a responsible adult; ANYTHING in my life? Gramps was the only thing that made ‘growing up’ a pleasant memory for me. All the rest was a nightmare I buried inside so I didn’t have to deal with it. WHY DO WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH OTHER PEOPLES KARMA?
My counselor is right, I DO need to toughen up that ‘sympathetic’ portion of my brain. Considering how honest and truthful I can be, that might not be such a good thing! hahahahaha
It was a real struggle for me growing up. I came from a very well to do family and they were all cut throats except Gramps. If I thought it was a nightmare before he passed away, it became an even LARGER nightmare after he passed away. I was 16 years old and the only one there, holding his hand, when he passed. In fact, I slept like a dog, in the hospital, at the end of his bed the whole time. That faithful golden lab…
He was my best friend in life. Soon as he passed, that same day, *I called family & nobody else came* but HIS MONEY was sure good enough for them all…I walked home from the hospital as they got his body ready for the funeral parlor and it was a long ways. It was winter time and I cried the whole way. When I got home and opened the door, the ENTIRE FAMILY was there, casting stones for everything he had spent his whole life working for…they mistakenly asked me what “I” wanted and I stood up, in a house full of people, and stated: “You know what I want? I WANT ALL OF YOU OUT OF MY GRANDFATHERS HOUSE. HIS BODY IS NOT EVEN COLD YET AND YOU ARE ACTING LIKE MONSTERS.”
I was told to sit down and shut up or leave…so, I went into my room, packed some clothes and away I went and I have NEVER been back, except to bury the thing that said she was my “grandmother”. WHY have I survived all of this? I often ask myself that question. MOST children would have succumbed to the ‘influences’ around them. I didn’t. I had always fought and stood up for that which is right, sometimes with grave consequences too!
But, I ask myself, all the time: “How did I ever survive all of that?” I am not a drug addict; not a boozer; I don’t go around creating drama or chaos, although accused of doing so when I attempt to stand up for myself! 🙂 NO: the atmosphere in which children grow up is like a MASSIVE basis for the structure of their lives. People need to KNOW HOW TO PARENT before they try it. 😉 Not leave it all to happenstance and ‘the flow’.
I am fortunate that at least “I” had that grounding in virtues. Most don’t. I think that is what saved me. Why it was so easy to just walk away from that nightmare of my childhood. Yes, there was physical sexual abuse as well – from relatives nobody would ever believe! They never did find out. I kept it to myself all these years ‘to keep the peace’. I mean, it was my cousin, and I loved him, after all. AT FOUR YEARS OLD???!!!!
No, it’s been a long haul for me. Growing up with ‘cops’ being my best friends when out and about….’cops’ always there, like Guardian Angels, my whole lifetime. Funny, isn’t it? DUPEDSTER hanging with the cops? hehehehe A lot of times they were my peace. My certainty that I would be alright.
I have been to many places and spoken with many people and have fought for changes in the criminal juvenile justice system. I have shared my story and my thoughts and beliefs. Our children become what we teach them or don’t teach them.
I never had a ‘parent’ figure in my life except for Gramps.
Yet, I raised four WONDERFUL children of my own. It was very difficult but there was something so pure about it. They have no clue of all the things I have encountered in my lifetime and they never will. I keep my shock, dismay and drama away from those I love because I don’t feel the ‘need’ to pass my misery around to those that truly love me. So, yes, LF and my counseling once a week, if I didn’t have these two outlets, I just don’t know what I would do! Especially being able to communicate with other people who understand what this is all about and share in the journey, just like I am and like all of you.
I know how it feels Louise with the OW butting in. There has been no less that 8 different OW since finding out about the ex wife. All up in my face, being disrespectful, with “IT” in the background, laughing, encouraging it. “IT#2” is even worse than the original “IT”. hahahahaha
I laugh at them; they are being so primal and void of any class, whatsoever. I always have told the OW when they have contacted me and there have been DROVES: “Have after it and when it kicks your ass and you are laying there in the hospital, DONT EVEN THINK of calling me and complaining!” They never believed me…none of them. I was called ‘liar’ and just heinous things! I have wrestled with that pang of jealousy and it will CONSUME YOU if you don’t find a way to bury it. SO: I found this thought and it helps me tremendously:
“YOU CAN HAVE IT. I DO NOT WANT IT. IT IS VILE and IF YOU CAN ACCEPT THAT, THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU.”
Period. Then I just walked away, or hang up, holding my head up high, with my heels and big girl britches on. 😉 I do not give ANY OF THAT SHOW ANY OF MY PHYSICAL ATTENTION ANYMORE.
I am so happy Twice Betrayed that you have turned a corner this week. You are absolutely right: “It has all worked to shape me into a better, wiser and more understanding person. I am not, however, at peace with anything that has happened to me. This is true: “Life too easy does not produce appreciation.” Wow, that is really right on. I have a question:
How come WE do but they don’t have to?
I am finding my peace. Right now. Right this moment. Digging, scratching, clawing, to find that peace, just once before I die. I am in the fight of my life.
Thanks you guys for the love and support; right back at ya!
Once I make peace with “IT”‘s situation in my life, I am going to be fulfilling that wish of finding that peace in my life. “IT” is the only issue I am wrestling with and once I find that, I am going to be just fine. It’s my last demon to confront on this journey…
Have a wonderful Sunday you guys. Thank you for being here. You are the lights of inspiration. And imagine this…
IT IS YOUR HEARTS AND YOUR MINDS that are holding me up.
Just willfully without agenda….you are all unique and special in your own ways. Although I haven’t met you all formally, each of you have helped me find that peace. I just want you to know that. I am grateful. Always.
mwah! xxoo
Dupedster
TB – great little post. Good to hear you are doing so well. I am going to think about what you said today.
This experience has not made me a more understanding person though…i am an irritated, more fearful and consequently judgmental person for the experience. BUT, I am going to think about the way you have contextualized it: yes stupid mistakes, BUT they worked in your favour in the end. To me that is honouring the very things the spath used to take adavantage – thsoe good things about us, the very things I cherish about myself….they have been raped, now they need to be reclaimed and honoured.
the mask she presented to me honoured me in ways i have never been honoured – taught me much more about myself. I am a bit of an outsider, because really, i am a bit of a freak. i don’t like being an outsider so i hide my freak and that hurts me. she honoured my freak and that was very powerful for me. i felt ‘seen’ and so held on as long as i could. but alas, it was all a con. she saw me alright – but that looking was done with vile intent.
i felt so powerful in being seen by the mask. then what she did told me that i had to bury myself even deeper than i had before the mask saw me. …that not only society was telling me i was too freaky for prime time consumption, but now i had very dramatic and acute injury to my freak. i want to love all of who i am – and that puts me outside of much of society, and in direct conflict with other parts of it. the goal in being ‘oneself’ to to bring more acceptance and love into ones life…but in some cases it brings a lot more danger and rejection; and this is why people form counter cultures. i don’t want to live in counter culture. i want to be my freaky self in mainstream culture. this is a big struggle for me.
many people in counter culture hide what they do in reg culture and vica versa. it’s so limiting. i have learned that i have to ‘hide’. i miss my friends – the two who fell away during the spath debacle. one in particular was very mainstream in many ways, but also a bit of a freak – the three of us worked together and shared a wide range of important connections that gave my freak space. now, they are gone and i am alone….more alone than i was before the spath. which may be one of her messed up goals.
didn’t mean to go so deep into this! just to say GOOD ON YOU!!
Dupedster – I sit here (head shaking) no words (hugs)
Dear One,
I hear you. Google the poem “Listen” by Ogden Nash…the basis of the poem is that each of us in a prisoner in solitary confinement INSIDE OUR OWN SKULLS….no way we can truly get out and no way anyone else can truly or completely get in.
We all have relationships that “come and go” “start and end” some are closer than others, but in the end, we are still In SOLITARY in our skulls, and at the time of our own deaths it doesn’t matter if we were “popular” or not, or a hermit, we are still ALONE in the universe. But that’s OKAY….
Not sure if you are in touch with Jung or not, I can’t get into some of his stuff, other stuff makes sense…I’m reading a book about his letters regarding the “God Image” right now that was recommended by a friend, and it talks about how we form the image of “god” in how we as a culture, and as an individual, have “evolved.” Interesting reading really, and isn’t so much about religion/God as it is about cultures and how mankind has advanced/regressed. How we as individuals have evolved.
I have seen “evolution” in you since you came here to LF, a raw, weeping open wound, a person who had been so deeply wounded that their spirit was almost broken. I have seen your healing, your evolution, and seen sanity emerge from the CHAOS.
I call my “summer of Chaos” just that because it all came to a head like a growing BOIL of nastiness, and burst open, flooding my soul with pain, yet at the same time, cleansing it of the festering mass that was making it sick.
We can’t heal until that festering boil bursts open, and we escape from the satanic nastiness, and though it hurts, the wound can be cleansed and it will heal. That is why NO CONTACT is so important for us.
Freak? Mainstream? Right? Left? Up? Down? Who the hell cares? Be yourself, One, and to hell with what the rest of the world thinks. Be honest to yourself. Be honest and account to your own conscience and that’s all we can expect! Hope for. Need.