Editor’s Note: The following was posted as a comment by the Lovefraud reader, NewLife43. I thought everyone should see it.
I had a small epiphany today while driving back from the grocery store. What, exactly, did the spath give me that I find so difficult to let go? I have been married twice before and when those marriages were over, I was sad and wished that they hadn’t ended the way that they had. But neither one of them was like this 8 year relationship! I was still the same person, what was so different this time? Why couldn’t I release it and move on with my life?
Neither one of my ex-husbands were like the spath. In fact, NO ONE had ever made me feel like he did. And by that I mean, no one had ever made me as physically sick, scared, confused, bewildered, ashamed, lost, financially devastated”¦well, you get the picture. Most of us on here have been decimated, humiliated and degraded by this sub-human species. What is wrong with us that we cannot LET THEM GO? We shouldn’t just be glad to kiss them good-bye, we should be kicking them goodbye! And instead, many of us would take them back in a heartbeat.
Why? Because they gave us something we so deeply needed, that the world ended the same time that the relationship did. I don’t know what everyone else received from their spath, but I do know what I got from mine. He made me feel loved and accepted in a way I had never been before. He made me feel beautiful on my worst days. He shrugged off my bad moods and laughed me out of them. He ignored any insults I hurled his way and didn’t hold them against me. I could be my most terrible self and he still called me “His Queen”. Since he couldn’t possibly make a mistake in his choice of romantic partner (in his mind, anyway) I was the perfect woman for him. In a way, he did create the world we lived in and so much of it was wonderful, fun, interesting and never, never boring. But. The price I paid was tremendous and I will have to pay it for a while yet. I know that this relationship, this world of his, wasn’t ever real, but you know, it sure felt real. More real than anything I had ever experienced in my life. Those are pretty special feelings and he doesn’t them own, unless I let him.
My spath must have said “I don’t care” at least a thousand times over the course of our time together. And he meant it. What would bother a normal person, he was able to simply shrug off. It was a lesson to me to lighten up my very serious view of the world. Sometimes, things really don’t matter. (Another of his sayings). When I would get upset because something had broken and I would now have to spend the money to replace it, he said, “Things break, they wear out. Why are you getting so upset?” So I would stop and reevaluate what was important. I appreciated that viewpoint and still remember to tell myself that when yet again, something breaks.
I loved his sense of fun, it was so child-like. And although his version of fun would wear thin sometimes when it was inappropriate conduct, I tolerated it because I was thrilled by it. He really lived like somebody left the gate open! I couldn’t have been less like him if I had tried and his way of approaching life helped swing me more to the middle of the road than constantly riding the bumpy shoulder. How sad, for him, for us, that he had no idea when to stop pushing the envelope. Not realizing that what he was doing was hurting so many people. And it caused so much legal trouble in his life. How I wish that he could have kept that sense of joie de vivre without spinning out of control. Sigh! And one day, he didn’t care and I didn’t matter. My heart was broken.
I loved him very much. I still do. But the point is, I have the capacity to love someone and he doesn’t. He never will. Good for me! That means even if I don’t quite know how yet, I will be able to move on. It’s so very, very hard.
So what did he give me? He gave me complete acceptance and what I believed was love, in a way no one had before. And I had an opportunity to explode with genuine love for another person. He made me feel beautiful, no matter what and I am grateful for that.
And even if it was all an illusion, who here wouldn’t go back just for a day when we were first being love-bombed by our spath? Unfortunately, we can’t go back. The good news is, we can find a way to give deep love and acceptance to ourselves! This IS good news!
The spath uncovered our deepest needs and showed us how we can feel about ourselves, through their eyes. Who says we can’t feel that way again? Now this is my goal which I will reach for every single day for the rest of my life. And I have him to thank for that. I didn’t know before I met him that I could be wholly acceptable in someone’s eyes. Only now it’s my eyes. I can love-bomb myself.
If you are old enough, you may remember the poem, “Desiderata”. The best line was: “For all its pain, drudgery and broken dreams, it’s still a beautiful world. Strive to be happy”. Because if I give happiness to myself, then no one can ever take it away from me again. And it can’t be that hard to help myself feel that way again. If the spath can do it, then ANYONE can! What I finally understood is that it’s not him I miss or want back (he comes packaged with too much pain), it’s those amazing feelings. You know they’re already in you. He (or she) doesn’t have a copyright on them. Go get them, everyone!
Truthy, I happened to catch this sermon a long time ago. It caught my attention, so I listened. I am not a religious person, particularly, and would usually have changed channels. I never forgot it, and I thought of it, and sought it out after reading about your dream. I wish we could watch it now, on line, but it has to be ordered. I just thought I’d share the link with you.
http://www.christianworshiphour.com/dvdinfo.php?orderitem=7032011
I read this article the other day and thought it was very hopeful. NewLife43, I wish you the best in loving yourself.
It was a beautiful sentiment when you stated, “The spath uncovered our deepest needs and showed us how we can feel about ourselves, through their eyes. Who says we can’t feel that way again? Now this is my goal which I will reach for every single day for the rest of my life. And I have him to thank for that. I didn’t know before I met him that I could be wholly acceptable in someone’s eyes. Only now it’s my eyes. I can love-bomb myself.”
Maybe I’m just in a negative place right now or maybe I am finally being honest with myself, but I think the reason I am having such a difficult time loving myself is because my own ego took a HUGE hit when my ex-spath rejected me and found another. I, for some reason, beleive that I wasn’t good enough for him.
I think what he left me in the end was a very damaged ego. After idealizing me for years, then a sudden withdrawl from me and then ultimately being embarrased that he even thought I was special in the first place, left me feeling horrified. Why is this? Why should I care what a disordered person thinks and feels about me. Why do I still long to correct his diagnoses of me as being unworthy.
I am still trying to fill in that blank. I know the key is in loving myself and, as you say, “love-bomb myself.” Some days I feel as though I have mastered it. Others, like the day I’m having today, I am still looking to that very dysfuctional external source to validate and love me.
The book, “Narcissistic Lovers: How to Cope, Recover and Move On” by Cynthia Zayn describes my experience to a T. I have my answer for sure that my ex is, in fact, a disordered human being. There is no question in my mind about that anymore.
Call me crazy, but why then do I still want him to see me as someone special. I long for him to see me as someone fantastic that he had and lost and is now sad about it. I know, crazy, irrational thinking.
What is damaged in me that I cannot leave all that in the past and live in the present? I thought I loved myself, but now I realize I don’t love myself enough. How do I heal that?
Truthy,
hey that’s an awesome dream. I read your other post about meeting your neighbors and I think that’s who the oystermen were. You said, it was a family event and your neighbors are all about family.
You said they have something to teach you, as did the oystermen. You felt comforted by their presence.
I think that the phrase, “the world is your oyster” applies here. These people are living their lives harvesting pearls every day.
Your wounds are your own and you will tend to them, just as in the dream. You don’t feel the need to get closer to them and you don’t see yourself staying, but you feel comforted knowing that oystermen exist.
Cool dream.
the sisterhood
Your not damaged. Your working fine. It will stop when the emotions are removed either by one of the techniques or over time. As long as the feelings are there in you they will effect you.
“fixing the problem doesn’t work”
T
Sister,
The STAGES OF GRIEVING include “bargaining” and it sounds like what you are doing is “bargaining” with yourself/his ghost about your feelings of self worth.
THIS IS NORMAL AND TO BE EXPECTED….and it will pass when the grieving is over. You lost something important to you even though it was a fantasy, you thought it was real, that he was real that his love was real, and YOUR love WAS real. So you grieve.
Give yourself all the time necessary—and that means however long it takes—and then you will move on when you are ready.
God bless.
Ox & Sister
We tend to do a lot of “bargaining” with it.
I’d say what was created was something closer to a compulsion.
“Why do I still long to correct his diagnoses of me as being unworthy.” Most likely is because on some level you believe that feeling of unworthy to be true. And what we normally do is try to come up with something that negates this feeling. We want it to go away. To not feel this way. But if it is in us it will effect us. You know on a logical level that what the spath thought of you is a lie. On a emotional level it’s a little different. It will go away when the emotional hook and the belief is no more.
Do you remember when you believed in Santa Clause? Now remember when you found out it wasn’t true. This is what must happen to move beyond it.
“fixing the problem doesn’t work”
T
Spoon, what do you mean?
WHEN I believed in Santa? When I found out it wasn’t true?
OH MY GOODNESS, ARE YOU TELLING ME SANTA ISN’T REAL? Oh, woe is me! (sounds of me banking my head on the floor and crying loudly in great grief!) 🙂
Ox
Sorry about letting the cat out of the bag!! But so you’ll feel better the Easter Bunny is is real.
“fixing the problem doesn’t work”
T
I never “found out” that Santa wasn’t real. It was more like “finding out” about conspiracy theories. Someone told me, Santa wasn’t real, but it took a long time for me to decide who was telling the truth. After all, I had seen the story of Santa on TV, so it must be real right? Little by little, I came to the realization in a round about way: Not everything you believe is true. 40 years later, I learned the same thing AGAIN, this time it was much quicker.
Thank you Spoon and Oxy. I am going to be doing EMDR tomorrow to work on this very thing.
What you said about Santa works a little different with me. I think I gradually came to realize he wasn’t real. My grandmother gave the final blow by saying it outright, but by then, I knew.
Maybe that is what it’s going to take for me. I need to gradually come to the realization on my own before I can accept it. I’m hoping the EMDR helps with the final blow.
Oxy-you’re hysterical LOL…and thank you for always helping me.