Editor’s Note: The following was posted as a comment by the Lovefraud reader, NewLife43. I thought everyone should see it.
I had a small epiphany today while driving back from the grocery store. What, exactly, did the spath give me that I find so difficult to let go? I have been married twice before and when those marriages were over, I was sad and wished that they hadn’t ended the way that they had. But neither one of them was like this 8 year relationship! I was still the same person, what was so different this time? Why couldn’t I release it and move on with my life?
Neither one of my ex-husbands were like the spath. In fact, NO ONE had ever made me feel like he did. And by that I mean, no one had ever made me as physically sick, scared, confused, bewildered, ashamed, lost, financially devastated”¦well, you get the picture. Most of us on here have been decimated, humiliated and degraded by this sub-human species. What is wrong with us that we cannot LET THEM GO? We shouldn’t just be glad to kiss them good-bye, we should be kicking them goodbye! And instead, many of us would take them back in a heartbeat.
Why? Because they gave us something we so deeply needed, that the world ended the same time that the relationship did. I don’t know what everyone else received from their spath, but I do know what I got from mine. He made me feel loved and accepted in a way I had never been before. He made me feel beautiful on my worst days. He shrugged off my bad moods and laughed me out of them. He ignored any insults I hurled his way and didn’t hold them against me. I could be my most terrible self and he still called me “His Queen”. Since he couldn’t possibly make a mistake in his choice of romantic partner (in his mind, anyway) I was the perfect woman for him. In a way, he did create the world we lived in and so much of it was wonderful, fun, interesting and never, never boring. But. The price I paid was tremendous and I will have to pay it for a while yet. I know that this relationship, this world of his, wasn’t ever real, but you know, it sure felt real. More real than anything I had ever experienced in my life. Those are pretty special feelings and he doesn’t them own, unless I let him.
My spath must have said “I don’t care” at least a thousand times over the course of our time together. And he meant it. What would bother a normal person, he was able to simply shrug off. It was a lesson to me to lighten up my very serious view of the world. Sometimes, things really don’t matter. (Another of his sayings). When I would get upset because something had broken and I would now have to spend the money to replace it, he said, “Things break, they wear out. Why are you getting so upset?” So I would stop and reevaluate what was important. I appreciated that viewpoint and still remember to tell myself that when yet again, something breaks.
I loved his sense of fun, it was so child-like. And although his version of fun would wear thin sometimes when it was inappropriate conduct, I tolerated it because I was thrilled by it. He really lived like somebody left the gate open! I couldn’t have been less like him if I had tried and his way of approaching life helped swing me more to the middle of the road than constantly riding the bumpy shoulder. How sad, for him, for us, that he had no idea when to stop pushing the envelope. Not realizing that what he was doing was hurting so many people. And it caused so much legal trouble in his life. How I wish that he could have kept that sense of joie de vivre without spinning out of control. Sigh! And one day, he didn’t care and I didn’t matter. My heart was broken.
I loved him very much. I still do. But the point is, I have the capacity to love someone and he doesn’t. He never will. Good for me! That means even if I don’t quite know how yet, I will be able to move on. It’s so very, very hard.
So what did he give me? He gave me complete acceptance and what I believed was love, in a way no one had before. And I had an opportunity to explode with genuine love for another person. He made me feel beautiful, no matter what and I am grateful for that.
And even if it was all an illusion, who here wouldn’t go back just for a day when we were first being love-bombed by our spath? Unfortunately, we can’t go back. The good news is, we can find a way to give deep love and acceptance to ourselves! This IS good news!
The spath uncovered our deepest needs and showed us how we can feel about ourselves, through their eyes. Who says we can’t feel that way again? Now this is my goal which I will reach for every single day for the rest of my life. And I have him to thank for that. I didn’t know before I met him that I could be wholly acceptable in someone’s eyes. Only now it’s my eyes. I can love-bomb myself.
If you are old enough, you may remember the poem, “Desiderata”. The best line was: “For all its pain, drudgery and broken dreams, it’s still a beautiful world. Strive to be happy”. Because if I give happiness to myself, then no one can ever take it away from me again. And it can’t be that hard to help myself feel that way again. If the spath can do it, then ANYONE can! What I finally understood is that it’s not him I miss or want back (he comes packaged with too much pain), it’s those amazing feelings. You know they’re already in you. He (or she) doesn’t have a copyright on them. Go get them, everyone!
Sister
It’s not the time it took. But that it happened. You went from believing he was – to believing that he wasn’t and that it was never true. It is when the changing of belief happened. This is where we move beyond it.
“fixing the problem doesn’t work”
T
The difference between Santa and the spath is the spirit in which it is presented. Santa is a nice imaginary figure that is presented to children as a wonderful image or symbol. He is imaginary, but his spirit is not. Santa gives.
Spaths present themselves as givers, but they are totally selfish, and malignant. Their presentation is false and their spirit is evil.
Yes, Virginia there is a Santa Claus….but, no Virginia, there is no good guy, or a happy future with a spath.
Did I say Virginia? I meant, Oxy. 🙂
That’s the rub for me, Spoon.
I thought for a long time that I just couldn’t face the pain of the reality that he never, ever loved me. Then I realized that the real pain was from him not thinking I was special or lovable enough to be with me and that he found someone who he deemed special enough to marry and have children with.
You’re right, I must beleive that about myself on some level or I wouldn’t be so struck by it.
Now I also question even if he did think I was suitable to spend his life with, why I would even want to settle for a man who didn’t authentically love me but just thought I was appropriate for his image. What kind of life would that be?
I want to stop teetering between the two feelings. I’m just torturing myself. I want to stop making his feelings about me the issue. I want to really truly believe that I didn’t lose out and that I am special and good enough no matter what he thinks.
This harkens back to the idea of indifference. I am still waiting for that glorious day of indifference.
Ditto, sisterhood. I do that, too. Get to one truth, then swing back to the opposite extreme, never coming to rest at either one.
I either blame myself, entirely, thinking it was my fault, because I withdrew my emotional energy from the marriage (after he did ) Or I completely blame him.
What I do know is true is this: if I had not withdrawn from him, he may not have found his narcissistic supply from someone else, but, then, I would still be his narcissistic supply. That is all I would be. Both to him and to me.
It really doesn’t have anything to do with my value, in fact, my withdrawing energy from him, reasserted my value to myself, but, I do agree it’s painful, and it’s a sacrifice. We are losing something of great importance. But, the thing is that WE ARE NOT OBJECTS, and our self discovery, growth and self respect, is far more important. We have to value ourselves.
sister
I am sorry that your in this emotional hell. And good that your seeing what is going on with you.
What I’ve been pointing at is this feeling/belief/fear of “him not thinking I was special or lovable enough” that once this is removed [through a technique or over time] then it is gone. There is no more feeling. The pain is gone. In this case this feeling/belief/fear is what’s causing the pain. It’s not the fact that he is not there but what you “believe it means.” In a sense you think it means your less then. Not that you are but by believing it you will act as if it is true.
Second part Logically you know it was a bad thing. And you know the answer to what kind of life it would be. So your understanding is coming around. Correct the first part and the second shouldn’t be a question for you any more.
Another thing about beliefs is that they are not you. You created the belief. Not the other way around.
Feelings are not facts and are not always true. And you created these also. You make the feelings not the feelings make you.
It’s not I feel therefore I am.
It’s I am therefore I feel.
You have a good understanding of the problem and a clear idea as to what you want to happen.
Happy hunting tomorrow and I hope that the EMDR clears this up for you.
Right after this I’ll post why to “fixing the problem doesn’t work”
kim
Check out “Black and white” thinking.
Did you really lose on this or could this be a perceptional thing with ties to feelings of what you always wanted? The relationship but with the guy that wants the same relationship as you/
T
Fixing the problem doesn’t work
This might seem odd at first but you can’t fix it. And this is what people have been doing their whole lives. Its one of the reasons they are in the mess they are in. In fact most who get caught up with the spath are trying to fix problems. And they see the spath as a fix, an answer to the problem. The same reason most self help books don’t work, you can’t fix the problem.
One way of looking at it is: You can’t fix what isn’t broken. Everything we do, we do very well. If someone looks at you and you get defensive. That look, is probably the same look that use to make us feel so small as a child. And we respond that way with ease. See no problem. Everything is working just like it has been programed to work. The look triggered the feelings we had as a child. And the feelings told us to act just like we are acting.Then there is the that certain tone someone can use, that makes you feel your trouble. Even though you know that you didn’t do anything wrong. You still react as if you did. 99.9999% of everything we do, we do without thinking. If we screw up relationships. We do it without having to plan. If we’re good at making people laugh. Same thing, no need to think about it. We just do it. It’s all set. Most of this was created before we are 6 years old.
If you believe your unlovable. You can’t fix it.
If you believe your not worthy. You can’t fix it.
If you believe that you where emotionally abandoned as a child. You can’t fix it.
In other words whatever we believe is true we will act as if it is.
When we believe we are unlovable we act the part. When it makes us feel bad, we try and fix it. Sex as a fix. Drugs as a fix. Makes deals with it. Some attach themselves to another and pretend it is love. And spend a lot of time in fear that this other many leave them and prove that they are unlovable. Some will go to great links of debasing themselves to hold onto this attachment. There are fleeting moments where one gets a taste of it but unlovable pops it’s ugly head back up. And those feelings come flooding back in. Nothing really works to fix it. Even if someone treats you with love you will deny it as true. Why? Your unlovable.
As hard as one tries, unlovable can not be twisted into lovable. Some get passed it. Most don’t. Why? One can not be unlovable and lovable at the same time. Either your one or the other. Unlovable will continue to be unlovable as long as that belief is within them. And all the fixing or compensating for does nothing but to continue the unlovable. Same as all the things you did to get the spath to love you. To treat you nice. Thinking you could just talk to IT and all would be ok. Having unlovable in you is the same as dealing with the spath. Can’t fix it. Can’t ignore it. As long as it is there it will keep effecting you. The only way to move from unlovable to lovable is by replacing the limiting belief. Just like the only thing that someone caught up with the spath can do is, get rid of it. Go NC. It is also helpful to know what Love is. It’s a verb. It is action. And it does have structure.
If your stuck at – emotionally abandoned as a child. Can’t go back and have a redo. Nothing you can do will fix it. Even if your parents come and apologies. No dice. You have to change what you believe about it. That is, change the meaning of when you first believed that no one cared and it meant to you, that you, where now less then. I can tell you that your valuable, unique and the only one, of you that will ever be produced. And it’s all true. But then the belief chimes in, my parent(s) were not there emotionally and I believe that it means I’m less then. It is a lie. A misunderstanding of the event, that trumps the truth. See as a kid all events are turned to, “what does it mean about me.” So we misunderstand that the parents are not God but flawed and some are worst then just flawed but that is them. It does not mean, because they didn’t have it to give, your less then.
It is the belief that is causing the pain. A misconception of the facts. Not because someone left us or that our parents didn’t have the right stuff to give us when we were a child. It is the meaning that we gave what happened. Which we made into a belief. This only exists in our minds. Like happiness in the physical world – it doesn’t exist. Happiness is something that happens within us.
Fixing the problem only leads to more mess. The action of compensating for a lack. Maintains the very thing we don’t want.
Changing the belief(s) or transcend it. – The only way to not continuing to trying to fix it, but instead, to move passed the thing that is really the cause of the pain. To go from unlovable to lovable one must replace the belief of unlovable with a belief that states I’m lovable. Like going from Santa does exist to Santa doesn’t exist. Same goes for the spath event. You can’t fix it. You can transcend it. See that your more then just this event. Even if the event was years long. The spath does what the spath does. It wasn’t about you. IT did, what IT did, because, that is what IT does. Not about if you loved IT or didn’t love IT.
As we believe – we feel and we act. If you believe “X” then you can’t fix it. But you can change it.
Wow, thank you for this. Very profound. And so true. You have just given me a lot to think about.
Jesus said “as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” I don’t guess truer words have ever been spoken, and totally agrees with what Spoon says….if we believe X then we will act on that as a “truth” even if it is not so.
Sister, the EMDR I think is great for PTSD and it helped me a great deal. I worked on it specifically with the trauma from the aircraft crash and the stuff that was attached to that. My anger at the man who crashed the plane, my anger at the doctors at the hospital. They never told me he would not llive, they acted like he had a “chance” and they were going to “do everything.” Fortunately, I am a nurse practitioner and I KNEW what his condition was and that there was NO hope…and no need to send him half way across the US to “the best burn center in the country” One of my “pet peeves” has always been when physicians know a patient is terminal they don’t have the guts to tell that to the patient and/or the family. I TOLD THEM. But I was still angry at the stupified looks on their faces when they realized I KNEW.
The EMDR therapy for those issues and the crash itself helped get the EMOTIONS disconnected from the memories, so that I could think about those things but not FEEL the emotions that went with them.
BUT, at the time I had the therapy for the PTSD about the crash, I was at the time, living in hiding from Patrick and the rest of my family who were trying to kill me. In fact, the therapist actually thought after the 2 hour intake interview that I might be a paranoid nut job “my family is trying to kill me” LOL and until I brought in documents and proof that what I was saying was true,, he had difficulty in absorbing it all. LOL
The therapy for the plane crash though, actually helped in OTHER areas of trauma as well. I am not sure how EMDR works, but I do know that for me it WORKED. It wasn’t long term therapy either, only a few weeks.
The ONLY way I can “explain it” is by this analogy. I remember seeing the movie Jaws which at the time was THE most scary movie in the world…and at the time I saw it my body reacted like the threat was “real” and immediate. My heart pounded, etc.
Now, two decades later, I can visualize some of the film scenes that were so scary but there is NO EMOTION ATTACHED to those visions in my head.
After the EMDR I can ENVISION the plane crash and the things that went on that day with the same DETACHMENT that I can envision the scenes from “Jaws” if that makes any sense.
We are given a set of “truths” as we grow up. Some of those “truths” are NOT true. Like with prejudices like “all blacks are dumb” or “all Italians are mafia” or whatever prejudiced and wrong thinking you were fed as a truth when you were little. As we go through life we may or may not examine those “truths” and find out they are not true, but as long as we THINK they are true, we will ACT as if they are. So it behooves us to examine what we “think” are “facts” and to decide for ourselves what is “truth” and what is not.
The psychopath’s “love bomb” makes us want to trust them, and we do and we give them our love in return for the “bomb” only to find out that the “bomb” was a TOTAL LIE…so we are devastated, like finding out there is no santa. But, in the future, if we examine what the “bomb” was and why we fell for it, we are not as likely to fall for it again in the future. That is why we study them, and why we study ourselves after the victimization so that we can learn what is truth and what is not. FOR OURSELVES.
People have told me “Patrick’s your son, you cant give up on him” That is not a total truth. He is my son, but I CAN and I must and I did “give up” on him.
“God can do miracles, maybe he will do a miracle for Patrick”
That is a partial truth, God CAN do miracles I believe, but I also believe that He does not FORCE anyone to repent or change, only gives them an opportunity to do so.
Because I do not believe that God is going to reach down from on high and transform my psychopathic son does not mean that my faith in my God is any less than someone who hangs on to the delusion that their psychopathic relationship is going to turn around. I held on to that delusion for way too long. NO MORE.
I’/ve had to reexamine many if not most of the “beliefs” that I held sacred my entire life. “Family is everything” and “keep the secrets, because what would happen if the neighbors found out?” And on and on….examined each and every one of them and found the dysfunction in each one. Changed my way of thinking, and realized that I can THINK FOR MYSELF and don’t have to ahve someone else tell me what is “right” and what is “not right”
What an amazing concept. THINKING FOR MYSELF. I wish I’d thoguht of that 50 eyars ago. LOL
sister
Thanks for the kind words. I wrote it last week and this was the perfect place for it. Hope it helps.
Any questions. I’ll keep on explaining.
We code the meaning of an event in feelings and/or a statement. When the feeling are removed the event then has no meaning and no effect on us, anymore.
Do it to it tomorrow
T
Spoon, I have to say I totally agree with what you have said. The kind of work I’m currently doing in therapy is called Cellular Release. It addresses a lot of these unconscious thoughts, beliefs and patterns and removes them often without my even knowing they were there. It’s very powerful stuff. Once they’re gone, they’re gone. The cellular release work seems to release the thoughts and beliefs and perhaps disconnect them from the feelings. With no thoughts and beliefs holding the repressed feelings down, they can surface to be felt and released energetically. I have not found a way to circumvent feeling repressed pain. In my experience, I just need to accept it and be willing to feel it. Just the effort to feel it creates enough space around it that I don’t feel so identified with it. I can just recognize it as part of the “pain body” that Eckhart Tolle talks about that we all have. But it doesn’t define me.
Cellular Release Therapy is very good for PTSD. My therapist feels it works better than EMDR. But I don’t know because I’ve never had EMDR.