Editor’s Note: The following was posted as a comment by the Lovefraud reader, NewLife43. I thought everyone should see it.
I had a small epiphany today while driving back from the grocery store. What, exactly, did the spath give me that I find so difficult to let go? I have been married twice before and when those marriages were over, I was sad and wished that they hadn’t ended the way that they had. But neither one of them was like this 8 year relationship! I was still the same person, what was so different this time? Why couldn’t I release it and move on with my life?
Neither one of my ex-husbands were like the spath. In fact, NO ONE had ever made me feel like he did. And by that I mean, no one had ever made me as physically sick, scared, confused, bewildered, ashamed, lost, financially devastated”¦well, you get the picture. Most of us on here have been decimated, humiliated and degraded by this sub-human species. What is wrong with us that we cannot LET THEM GO? We shouldn’t just be glad to kiss them good-bye, we should be kicking them goodbye! And instead, many of us would take them back in a heartbeat.
Why? Because they gave us something we so deeply needed, that the world ended the same time that the relationship did. I don’t know what everyone else received from their spath, but I do know what I got from mine. He made me feel loved and accepted in a way I had never been before. He made me feel beautiful on my worst days. He shrugged off my bad moods and laughed me out of them. He ignored any insults I hurled his way and didn’t hold them against me. I could be my most terrible self and he still called me “His Queen”. Since he couldn’t possibly make a mistake in his choice of romantic partner (in his mind, anyway) I was the perfect woman for him. In a way, he did create the world we lived in and so much of it was wonderful, fun, interesting and never, never boring. But. The price I paid was tremendous and I will have to pay it for a while yet. I know that this relationship, this world of his, wasn’t ever real, but you know, it sure felt real. More real than anything I had ever experienced in my life. Those are pretty special feelings and he doesn’t them own, unless I let him.
My spath must have said “I don’t care” at least a thousand times over the course of our time together. And he meant it. What would bother a normal person, he was able to simply shrug off. It was a lesson to me to lighten up my very serious view of the world. Sometimes, things really don’t matter. (Another of his sayings). When I would get upset because something had broken and I would now have to spend the money to replace it, he said, “Things break, they wear out. Why are you getting so upset?” So I would stop and reevaluate what was important. I appreciated that viewpoint and still remember to tell myself that when yet again, something breaks.
I loved his sense of fun, it was so child-like. And although his version of fun would wear thin sometimes when it was inappropriate conduct, I tolerated it because I was thrilled by it. He really lived like somebody left the gate open! I couldn’t have been less like him if I had tried and his way of approaching life helped swing me more to the middle of the road than constantly riding the bumpy shoulder. How sad, for him, for us, that he had no idea when to stop pushing the envelope. Not realizing that what he was doing was hurting so many people. And it caused so much legal trouble in his life. How I wish that he could have kept that sense of joie de vivre without spinning out of control. Sigh! And one day, he didn’t care and I didn’t matter. My heart was broken.
I loved him very much. I still do. But the point is, I have the capacity to love someone and he doesn’t. He never will. Good for me! That means even if I don’t quite know how yet, I will be able to move on. It’s so very, very hard.
So what did he give me? He gave me complete acceptance and what I believed was love, in a way no one had before. And I had an opportunity to explode with genuine love for another person. He made me feel beautiful, no matter what and I am grateful for that.
And even if it was all an illusion, who here wouldn’t go back just for a day when we were first being love-bombed by our spath? Unfortunately, we can’t go back. The good news is, we can find a way to give deep love and acceptance to ourselves! This IS good news!
The spath uncovered our deepest needs and showed us how we can feel about ourselves, through their eyes. Who says we can’t feel that way again? Now this is my goal which I will reach for every single day for the rest of my life. And I have him to thank for that. I didn’t know before I met him that I could be wholly acceptable in someone’s eyes. Only now it’s my eyes. I can love-bomb myself.
If you are old enough, you may remember the poem, “Desiderata”. The best line was: “For all its pain, drudgery and broken dreams, it’s still a beautiful world. Strive to be happy”. Because if I give happiness to myself, then no one can ever take it away from me again. And it can’t be that hard to help myself feel that way again. If the spath can do it, then ANYONE can! What I finally understood is that it’s not him I miss or want back (he comes packaged with too much pain), it’s those amazing feelings. You know they’re already in you. He (or she) doesn’t have a copyright on them. Go get them, everyone!
Oxy,
yes, God can perform miracles. That’s why He doesn’t need US to do them for Him.
I got that from Anna’s blog. She is an angel.
http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/search/label/Red%20flags%20of%20Narcissism
I can’t find the one article she wrote that succinctly spells it out, but I think I’ve posted it before.
You guys are so spot on! I really enjoy reading your answer, it gives me so the strenght to carry on. I don’t have any people in my life who can be so detailed and explain things so good as you do. My question is, how can I change a belief on my own? I mean, is there a technique or something I can use on my own? I still struggle with low self worth or the thoughts of being unlovable as The Sisterhood speaks of.
from the outside looking in, it is incredibly obvious how this works and i just want to bat someone up-side the head with it. the acceptance, or what is implied, was YOU. acceptance of YOU. the mirroring, YOU. the intimacy, YOU. NOT THEM. EVERYTHING about this experience was heightened by the implied removal of all those little bits of criticism of oneself that normally become negatives and make any experience in the real world just a bit less. unfortunately it was used as a very effective trap.
on lovefraud, we often speak of being good or kind to ourselves in our quest to heal. this i believe is therapeutic in that it teaches us that we can make it on our own. that we can be self sufficient. that we dont need them. well we dont. what we need is to realize that WE ARE GOOD. and how good? just as good as the mirage we saw when we looked at them. because they were only a reflection of us. intentionally thrown back at us in a concerted effort aimed directly at our vanity. IT WAS BAIT. very effective bait. and we took it. We normally suppress vanity. some of us way too much. so much that it becomes a lower self esteem. and human beings need self esteem. but we dont want to be seen as vain. we recognize it in others and see how it when projected outward becomes a negative.
What we will ultimately find is that this great feeling of acceptance, devoid of normal inhibition, of incredible intensity may well have been the result of our being able to really open up and be ourselves. to unknowingly SEE ourselves. what human on earth wouldn’t find that desirable?
rgc
Jealousy is a human emotion. It’s normal to feel jealous, at times. But, it is a negative emotion, and if you are feeling jealous a lot, then there is something wrong.
I think your man was deliberately triggering your emotions for his supply. Period.
I think you handled it very well.
I don’t think you have problems with jealiousy.
I think your man is a jerk. A narcissist who is looking to find the most convenient supply source.
You are ok. Nothing wrong with you.
I woke up this morning with this thought:
I will never find whatever it was I was looking for. I may find something. But it won’t be what I was looking for.
I was avoiding myself.
Looking for someone to complete me.
What I found were narcissists who entered into my (a)void(ance) and possessed me.
I am no longer looking outside but in.
I may find something, but it won’t be what i was looking for.
Ox
Can’t speak to EMDR since I haven’t try it. The eye movement thing is similar to what happens in the NLP technique that I’ve written about and use. One big difference is you don’t need someone else to do it. It works on PTSD, phobias, compulsions, beliefs and all I can think of right now.
When the emotions is stripped from a memory and it is in a disassociated state [disassociated state is one where we see ourselves in the memory. Associated state is where we see it with our own eyes, as being there.] For me when I view it it like watching some flick on TV that doesn’t interest me.
The other part of it is you can’t fix a belief. Can’t compensate for it or make deals with it. “Unworthy” can not be tricked into being “worthy.” We can only believe that we are one or the other. We can pretend but as long as the belief exists then it effects us.
The other thing as you said beliefs do not have to be true or factual for us to believe them. Most of our beliefs are half truths. Based on misconceptions, misunderstandings and that most of our beliefs are formed before we are 6 years old.
God can turn your son around. But it does have a lot to do with your son.
Stargazer
I don’t know about Cellular Release haven’t done that either. I’ll check it out. There is one thing about all beliefs besides the emotional hook that is tied to the belief there is a phrase or statement that is also hooked to the belief. “No one can love me.” “No one cares.” “I am blessed” etc. Since I don’t know Cellular Release just thought you might need to know if the beliefs start reforming it’s normally that the accompanying phrase or sentence is still there. But hopefully they won’t resurface. The Nlp technique will strip the feelings without having to go into it very deep. One just need enough of it to anchor it so that it can be track back to it’s origin.
How all this basically works is we see an event and our mind automatically finds the closes belief we have i.e what the event means to us. Then pulls up the emotional state that goes with. Someone smiles at you and depending upon what you think it means is how you will feel and then respond based upon this feeling. If it is an event that has no meaning then you’ll have no feelings for it therefore no response. The event can be benign or traumatic. But since it has no meaning we don’t know how to respond.
Reality is Plastic & “fixing the problem doesn’t work”
T
Star, It was wrong of me to call you Pollianna. I apologize.
You do trigger me and I find myself in an attitude. A really big attitude.
I really see my old self in you.
I resist that, and fight against it because it caused me nothing but trouble.
You are my shadow.
On the other hand, I see a lot of success in you. A lot of self reliance and independance that I admire and respect.
That independance is the part of me that I neglected while I was on the search for Mr Wonderful. I never found Mr wonderful, and in the meantime I lost myself.
Sometimes, I feel like I am talking to a girl, getting ready for the prom….all that youthful exuberance…the hope, the excitment, the naivete (IMO) There’s a part of me that wants to squash that in you.
OK, that being said…..it’s possible that this is your developmental leap….the thing you’ve avoided while you were busy being independant.
If that’s the case, then have at it.
For me it’s the opposite.
I have to quit getting ready for the prom, and start getting ready for work. That IS MY DEVELOPMENTAL leap.
So, while I think we’ve done everything in opposite ways, I think we are both trying to fulfill our lives….and that’s ok.
Sunflower
Here is the NLP technique I use to strip the emotions from a memory.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/05/18/taking-back-our-power/comment-page-1/#comment-161833
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/05/18/taking-back-our-power/comment-page-5/#comment-162597
One can change a belief directly a little bit more complicated but can be learned. What I’ve found is that for most of this, once the emotions are stripped from the event, where say one decided that they where unlovable. We already know how in this case, to be lovable. For we once thought we where lovable until an event(s) changed our mind. And most of the time it was through some misunderstanding of the event that brought us to this decision. Parents not knowing how to love ect.
On the technique if you have any questions just ask.
T
kim
“I will never find whatever it was I was looking for.” You are correct. Also for you won’t find what your looking for within you.
You will only find what is there. If you believe that your incomplete, unlovable etc. that is what you’ll find.
You created it. Which is good. Although without realizing it. But now you can create a world where you are complete, lovable etc. on purpose.
Reality is Plastic
T
Kim, there is no need to apologize. You expressed yourself in a responsible way, and I completely respect your feelings and attitudes. I often see my old self in many of the LF posters, too. I’m not sure if many people here “get” me or where I’m coming from, and because of this I sometimes think twice about posting here. But I truly am a positive person – I don’t just talk this way out of some sort of denial. It’s been a long time coming. I was on a healing path 20 years before I met the spath, who was a 3-month blip on my radar screen.