Editor’s Note: The following was posted as a comment by the Lovefraud reader, NewLife43. I thought everyone should see it.
I had a small epiphany today while driving back from the grocery store. What, exactly, did the spath give me that I find so difficult to let go? I have been married twice before and when those marriages were over, I was sad and wished that they hadn’t ended the way that they had. But neither one of them was like this 8 year relationship! I was still the same person, what was so different this time? Why couldn’t I release it and move on with my life?
Neither one of my ex-husbands were like the spath. In fact, NO ONE had ever made me feel like he did. And by that I mean, no one had ever made me as physically sick, scared, confused, bewildered, ashamed, lost, financially devastated”¦well, you get the picture. Most of us on here have been decimated, humiliated and degraded by this sub-human species. What is wrong with us that we cannot LET THEM GO? We shouldn’t just be glad to kiss them good-bye, we should be kicking them goodbye! And instead, many of us would take them back in a heartbeat.
Why? Because they gave us something we so deeply needed, that the world ended the same time that the relationship did. I don’t know what everyone else received from their spath, but I do know what I got from mine. He made me feel loved and accepted in a way I had never been before. He made me feel beautiful on my worst days. He shrugged off my bad moods and laughed me out of them. He ignored any insults I hurled his way and didn’t hold them against me. I could be my most terrible self and he still called me “His Queen”. Since he couldn’t possibly make a mistake in his choice of romantic partner (in his mind, anyway) I was the perfect woman for him. In a way, he did create the world we lived in and so much of it was wonderful, fun, interesting and never, never boring. But. The price I paid was tremendous and I will have to pay it for a while yet. I know that this relationship, this world of his, wasn’t ever real, but you know, it sure felt real. More real than anything I had ever experienced in my life. Those are pretty special feelings and he doesn’t them own, unless I let him.
My spath must have said “I don’t care” at least a thousand times over the course of our time together. And he meant it. What would bother a normal person, he was able to simply shrug off. It was a lesson to me to lighten up my very serious view of the world. Sometimes, things really don’t matter. (Another of his sayings). When I would get upset because something had broken and I would now have to spend the money to replace it, he said, “Things break, they wear out. Why are you getting so upset?” So I would stop and reevaluate what was important. I appreciated that viewpoint and still remember to tell myself that when yet again, something breaks.
I loved his sense of fun, it was so child-like. And although his version of fun would wear thin sometimes when it was inappropriate conduct, I tolerated it because I was thrilled by it. He really lived like somebody left the gate open! I couldn’t have been less like him if I had tried and his way of approaching life helped swing me more to the middle of the road than constantly riding the bumpy shoulder. How sad, for him, for us, that he had no idea when to stop pushing the envelope. Not realizing that what he was doing was hurting so many people. And it caused so much legal trouble in his life. How I wish that he could have kept that sense of joie de vivre without spinning out of control. Sigh! And one day, he didn’t care and I didn’t matter. My heart was broken.
I loved him very much. I still do. But the point is, I have the capacity to love someone and he doesn’t. He never will. Good for me! That means even if I don’t quite know how yet, I will be able to move on. It’s so very, very hard.
So what did he give me? He gave me complete acceptance and what I believed was love, in a way no one had before. And I had an opportunity to explode with genuine love for another person. He made me feel beautiful, no matter what and I am grateful for that.
And even if it was all an illusion, who here wouldn’t go back just for a day when we were first being love-bombed by our spath? Unfortunately, we can’t go back. The good news is, we can find a way to give deep love and acceptance to ourselves! This IS good news!
The spath uncovered our deepest needs and showed us how we can feel about ourselves, through their eyes. Who says we can’t feel that way again? Now this is my goal which I will reach for every single day for the rest of my life. And I have him to thank for that. I didn’t know before I met him that I could be wholly acceptable in someone’s eyes. Only now it’s my eyes. I can love-bomb myself.
If you are old enough, you may remember the poem, “Desiderata”. The best line was: “For all its pain, drudgery and broken dreams, it’s still a beautiful world. Strive to be happy”. Because if I give happiness to myself, then no one can ever take it away from me again. And it can’t be that hard to help myself feel that way again. If the spath can do it, then ANYONE can! What I finally understood is that it’s not him I miss or want back (he comes packaged with too much pain), it’s those amazing feelings. You know they’re already in you. He (or she) doesn’t have a copyright on them. Go get them, everyone!
Thank you, everyone, for your interpretations of my vivid dream. Everything sounded sensible and reasonable – and, the question about what I might do if I met a man that was good and kind is probably answered with my accepting friendship, as a start.
I firmly believe that we all have what we need to move forward. My way of forward momentum may not be the same way as another’s, but I believe that positive forward momentum is the ultimate goal for everyone who is recovering.
Sometimes, “positive” is initially painful. I’ve had to leave many things behind that were important to me, at some point. Home, job, friendships, familiarities, etc….but, these surrenders aren’t necessarily “bad,” though they were sad and painful.
On a really off-topic note, nearly every person that insisted that they would “keep in touch” with me after I left hasn’t taken a minute out of their day to call or contact me as to how I’ve been doing, where I am, when I left, or anything else. How ironic is that?! LMAO!!!! Here, I thought that I was leaving behind important relationships, and it turns out that they weren’t as important as I thought them to be.
Brightest blessings
Sunflower
From what you wrote I think you have it right. To him you are just a convenience. And what Kim wrote about it is spot on.
One thing I do see is you’ve seem to be confusing envy with jealousy with the part about girl friend having lots of friends. It’s envy.
Jealousy is an emotional state and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, particularly in reference to a human connection. The state of jealousy often consists of a combination of presenting emotions such as anger, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness and disgust. It is not to be confused with envy.
Envy is we want something that someone else has. Jealousy is the perceived fear that we are going to lose something we value to something or someone else.
Ok from what you described the girlfriend is insecure in her self. And see the boyfriends lack of interest as a threat to her security as being what she values, his girlfriend. The porn in her eyes is being used as a substitute for her. In this kind of relationship sex is factor that defines it. Remove it and then the question becomes what kind of relationship is it. Am I a girlfriend or what. If as in this case the person is insecure then their emotions will bounce all over the place. A secure person would go through their steps of evaluating the situation and coming to a decision to either end it or stay if they believed there was a valid reason for them to continue as is.
What the boyfriends hang up is we don’t know. Could be a legitimate thing that he doesn’t know how to address. If this is the case he needs to deal with it before he goes looking for a girlfriend. Or he could just be a jerk and is using her. But the girls insecurity is a problem for her even without the boyfriend.
My 2 Cents.
T
Truthspeak, can I add one more thing about your dream? In one of your posts I read today, you said your first spath was a puppy who you were trying to take care of.
In your dream, the happy family get together included people who were picking up puppies. I remembered that because it really stuck out, to me.
Not sure what this means in terms of your dream, but it’s something to take a look at. Is picking up puppies a good thing, or a bad thing?
Maybe that’s your sticking point.
Spoon and Kim:
Thanx for the answers:) It cleared some of it up for me:) Yes, you’re right, it’s envy.
Sunflower
Ok you’ve done good. Your instincts where right on target. You left and stayed away – NC. The leftover feelings are normal. It does take time to sort them out. Nothing you’ve said would say that you are jealous.
Does sound as if your having a bad time right now and stressing out. This too is normal. Not fun just what most do. Which would bring up PTSD.
Your Big Toe technique
How to deal with Anxiety and Stress in 90 Seconds!
http://hypnosisbunbury.com.au/stress90seconds
“unsure of your self does that mean that you are a jealous person?” No. It’s just one of the factors. Jealousy is a state that has more then one part.
Jealousy is a state that combines these factors “insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values” That leads to over reaction and anger.
What I wrote about the girlfriend was in general. To get specific one would need to know a lot more. But her problems are not yours.
I don’t think your jealous as much as he has made you think you are. Probably the best example of jealousy is how he treated you when he would explode about you not always being there for him etc.
To strip the emotional garbage follow the link.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/05/18/taking-back-our-power/comment-page-1/#comment-161833
The problem with techniques are how well we do them.
With beliefs not only do we have to strip the emotions off of it we need to erase the phrase or statement that goes with it. The phrase and statement part is not taught very often.
Hang in there your doing GOOD
T
Thank you Spoon, I will read it carefully. Yes, I have complex ptsd and it’s been triggered. He drove past me last night and that was enough. I’m nauseous and want to vomit all day long. I can’t sleep, lost my apetite again and my body aches. I’m very tired of this, but all I really can do is to work on my self getting better.
I become worried because the thoughts are haunting me. He never did explode, I did, ’cause he was never there for me. And then I feel so guilty, feels like I did something really wrong. He did just as he pleased, without any concern for me. So yes, I got angry. Is it normal to feel quilty for reacting to someones bad behaviour?
Thank you so much for your time, help and support.
Sunflower
I’m sorry that this was triggered.
You’ve shown that you got a lot going for you. Just taking the initiative they way you did speaks volumes. Take it one step at a time. Your going to be fine. A little crazy for while but your on the right track.
Also in the link up above is the “The exploding smurf.” Easy to do. Very effective.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Andrew T. Austin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbyehMFeqAg&feature=player_embedded
http://livingwellnlp.com/25-te…..ptsd/2010/
“A trauma is not an experience. It is an emotional response to an experience. If the emotional response is positive, the experience is not traumatic, no matter how harrowing its sensory details. (Think of all the people who pay money to have scary, dangerous experiences such as white-water rafting!)”
[The experience is the meaning we give the event. The emotional response is the hook we place on the experience.]
Again you’ve done good.
T
Kim Frederick, the puppy reference may have had symbolic meaning, and it might have been wishful thinking/dreaming. The family that was portrayed in my dream was similar to the family of one of my son’s friends – very strong, self-sufficient, and self-reliant people. Salt of the earth people that are dammed good, at heart. They had a litter of Chihuahua (SP?) puppies and my son wanted one of them, very much – they were so darling, and I would love to have a dog, but I can’t commit to that responsibility, just yet.
Sunflower, it’s a reaction to feel guilt – a programmed reaction that we’ve developed over a period of time. For whatever reason, we feel responsible for everyone else’s happiness, security, well-being, etc. For me, it goes back to the “inner child” that was so damaged. So, as far as “normal” goes, it’s a “normal” indication that there’s some work that needs to be done.
Spoon, good links! Keep ’em coming!!!!
Brightest blessings
Truthspeak
Here you go.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/05/18/taking-back-our-power/comment-page-5/#comment-162597
…