How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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Editor’s Note: The following was posted as a comment by the Lovefraud reader, NewLife43. I thought everyone should see it.

I had a small epiphany today while driving back from the grocery store. What, exactly, did the spath give me that I find so difficult to let go? I have been married twice before and when those marriages were over, I was sad and wished that they hadn’t ended the way that they had. But neither one of them was like this 8 year relationship! I was still the same person, what was so different this time? Why couldn’t I release it and move on with my life?

Neither one of my ex-husbands were like the spath. In fact, NO ONE had ever made me  feel like he did. And by that I mean, no one had ever made me as physically sick, scared, confused, bewildered, ashamed, lost, financially devastated”¦well, you get the picture. Most of us on here have been decimated, humiliated and degraded by this sub-human species. What is wrong with us that we cannot LET THEM GO? We shouldn’t just be glad to kiss them good-bye, we should be kicking them goodbye! And instead, many of us would take them back in a heartbeat.

Why? Because they gave us something we so deeply needed, that the world ended the same time that the relationship did. I don’t know what everyone else received from their spath, but I do know what I got from mine. He made me feel loved and accepted in a way I had never been before. He made me feel beautiful on my worst days. He shrugged off my bad moods and laughed me out of them. He ignored any insults I hurled his way and didn’t hold them against me. I could be my most terrible self and he still called me “His Queen”. Since he couldn’t possibly make a mistake in his choice of romantic partner (in his mind, anyway) I was the perfect woman for him. In a way, he did create the world we lived in and so much of it was wonderful, fun, interesting and never, never boring. But. The price I paid was tremendous and I will have to pay it for a while yet. I know that this relationship, this world of his, wasn’t ever real, but you know, it sure felt real. More real than anything I had ever experienced in my life. Those are pretty special feelings and he doesn’t them own, unless I let him.

My spath must have said “I don’t care” at least a thousand times over the course of our time together. And he meant it. What would bother a normal person, he was able to simply shrug off. It was a lesson to me to lighten up my very serious view of the world. Sometimes, things really don’t matter. (Another of his sayings). When I would get upset because something had broken and I would now have to spend the money to replace it, he said, “Things break, they wear out. Why are you getting so upset?” So I would stop and reevaluate what was important. I appreciated that viewpoint and still remember to tell myself that when yet again, something breaks.

I loved his sense of fun, it was so child-like. And although his version of fun would wear thin sometimes when it was inappropriate conduct, I tolerated it because I was thrilled by it. He really lived like somebody left the gate open! I couldn’t have been less like him if I had tried and his way of approaching life helped swing me more to the middle of the road than constantly riding the bumpy shoulder. How sad, for him, for us, that he had no idea when to stop pushing the envelope. Not realizing that what he was doing was hurting so many people. And it caused so much legal trouble in his life. How I wish that he could have kept that sense of joie de vivre without spinning out of control. Sigh! And one day, he didn’t care and I didn’t matter. My heart was broken.

I loved him very much. I still do. But the point is, I have the capacity to love someone and he doesn’t. He never will. Good for me! That means even if I don’t quite know how yet, I will be able to move on. It’s so very, very hard.

So what did he give me? He gave me complete acceptance and what I believed was love, in a way no one had before. And I had an opportunity to explode with genuine love for another person. He made me feel beautiful, no matter what and I am grateful for that.

And even if it was all an illusion, who here wouldn’t go back just for a day when we were first being love-bombed by our spath? Unfortunately, we can’t go back. The good news is, we can find a way to give deep love and acceptance to ourselves! This IS good news!

The spath uncovered our deepest needs and showed us how we can feel about ourselves, through their eyes. Who says we can’t feel that way again? Now this is my goal which I will reach for every single day for the rest of my life. And I have him to thank for that. I didn’t know before I met him that I could be wholly acceptable in someone’s eyes. Only now it’s my eyes. I can love-bomb myself.

If you are old enough, you may remember the poem, “Desiderata”. The best line was: “For all its pain, drudgery and broken dreams, it’s still a beautiful world. Strive to be happy”. Because if I give happiness to myself, then no one can ever take it away from me again. And it can’t be that hard to help myself feel that way again. If the spath can do it, then ANYONE can! What I finally understood is that it’s not him I miss or want back (he comes packaged with too much pain), it’s those amazing feelings. You know they’re already in you. He (or she) doesn’t have a copyright on them. Go get them, everyone!

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. spoon

    Sunflower

    Here are 7 common traits of people that get caught up in relationships with bad people. Doesn’t mean that you have them all. Just that it’s the most common.

    http://recoverfromemotionalabuse.com/7-w-recording-2/

    Wound #1 The wound of not believing in yourself ”“ you’ll believe the lies an abuser tells you over and above your own heart and mind
    Wound #2 The wound of not trusting your own perceptions ”“ so you end up seeing your world through his eyes
    Wound #3 The wound of not feeling lovable just as you are
    Wound #4 The wound of self-sacrifice ”“ much as you know it doesn’t work, you can’t stop doing it
    Wound #5 The wound of invisibility ”“ you’re programmed to be unseen, and unheard
    Wound #6 The wound of not being your adult self ”“ you’re still that unsupported little girl, frozen in time
    Wound #7 The wound of shame ”“ somehow you carry the blame, and the shame, for everything that happens.

    Yep that is what they do fine a weaknesses and exploit for their own desires.

    Your doing better then most. I’m glad to say.

    T

  3. Sunflower

    I just have to post this, just in case someone else have the same thoughts and feelings of guilt and anger. I found this at one of the links Spoon posted. It really sorted things out for me and gave me a boost to continue my journey of healing. It shifted the blame a little bit:)

    http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.no/2008/03/angry-with-narcissist-read-on.html

    ”
    It is our discomfort with our own feelings which often drives us to search for a place of “understanding” because we hope that by understanding we will calm the savage seas of our own emotions. For various reasons people feel guilty for having negative feelings. Especially anger. Denying your anger, or trying to subvert it by “understanding” how the malignant narcissist became what they are is not going to get you where you want to go.

    Your anger is not wrong. Your anger is a sign that you recognize the crimes which have been committed against you or those you love. Your anger is actually a healthy sign! Anger is an appropriate emotion in the wake of evil or injustice. Negative feelings are not inherently sinful or wrong. Emotions happen. Don’t try to escape what you’re feeling by denying or pretending it isn’t there. Acknowledge it. What you do with your emotions is where right and wrong come into the picture. Obviously, being angry isn’t justification for abusing someone or doing wrong ourselves.

    I am of the firm opinion that certain things should outrage us. Evil acts should make us angry. It is an appropriate and reasonable response to injustice and malicious acts. It is a sign that you respect yourself (or others) when you rise up in outrage at egregious behavior. Acknowledge what you feel and don’t be afraid of your own strong reactions to evil. Negative feelings should serve as a sign telling you that something is seriously out of whack. That is where your fore brain is supposed to come in. Emotions are not intelligent or mature. They are signals sent from primitive places in our brains. So what to do with them? Acknowledge they are what they are. Then, you apply your reasoning ability to the situation. What is the injustice? What can you do to deal with the situation to remove the threat? Is it time to bring in the law? Is it time to remove yourself? Don’t be afraid of your strong reactions. Use them to motivate you to change the circumstance. Legally and morally.”

    “Give up your quest to find peace at the cost of honesty. Be honest with yourself about what you feel. Attempts to lessen the guilt of the guilty is an illegitimate way to cope with your negative reactions to them. Accept the truth that a decent person should be angry and outraged at perverted and evil behaviors. Evil people create themselves. They stand before God Himself with no excuses for their evil deeds. He will strip away all their excuses in the final judgment and they will be forced to bear the full guilt for their choices. We should quit trying to be better than God Himself. “

  4. Truthspeak

    Sunflower, “normal” is a relative term. Each one of us has different experiences and core values and beliefs. Take some comfort, here…..you’re doing just fine and the healing process isn’t always pleasant or comfortable.

    One of the hardest things for me to do was to acknowledge the damaged “inner child” and begin a dialogue with that part of my person. Gosh, but how does one speak to MYSELF as a nurturing adult to an injured child? Well, this took some practice and it was very, very, VERY painful once I got the gist. I did a lot of crying and comforting of myself, and it was absolutely beneficial to me. At first, this approaching the “inner child” idea seemed like new-age hocus pocus, but once I got a grasp on it, it made absolute sense.

    Up until the point where I met my “inner child,” I – Truthspeak – had allowed my life’s experiences to define me. The good, bad, and seemingly benign events in my life were the core of my definition, and I accepted that without argument. I was damaged, and therefore, I would live my life as a damaged person. When I got down into the trenches and started doing the work, I realized that I could REWRITE my personal definition in any manner that I chose. I could be a strong survivor, a can-do-anything human being, or I could choose to remain a damaged victim. But, it became a CHOICE.

    You, Sunflower, are now being offered the same choice, and you’re clearly choosing to heal and redefine yourself with new terminology. You are doing GREAT!

    Brightest blessings

  7. Sunflower

    You guys are fantastic!

    I have alot to look at now. I went to the library and borrowed some books on the subject as well. Looking forward to have a good read today:)

    Truthspeak: You’re spot on.

    Thank you again, you are all wonderful people who inspires me to fight for a better life.

  9. Truthspeak

    Sunflower, there’s a fantastic book called (hope the title is correct) “Healing The Shame That Binds You” that is the birthplace of healing the “inner child.” It takes time. It takes work, but you’re well on your way.

    Brightest blessings

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