Editor’s Note: The following was posted as a comment by the Lovefraud reader, NewLife43. I thought everyone should see it.
I had a small epiphany today while driving back from the grocery store. What, exactly, did the spath give me that I find so difficult to let go? I have been married twice before and when those marriages were over, I was sad and wished that they hadn’t ended the way that they had. But neither one of them was like this 8 year relationship! I was still the same person, what was so different this time? Why couldn’t I release it and move on with my life?
Neither one of my ex-husbands were like the spath. In fact, NO ONE had ever made me feel like he did. And by that I mean, no one had ever made me as physically sick, scared, confused, bewildered, ashamed, lost, financially devastated”¦well, you get the picture. Most of us on here have been decimated, humiliated and degraded by this sub-human species. What is wrong with us that we cannot LET THEM GO? We shouldn’t just be glad to kiss them good-bye, we should be kicking them goodbye! And instead, many of us would take them back in a heartbeat.
Why? Because they gave us something we so deeply needed, that the world ended the same time that the relationship did. I don’t know what everyone else received from their spath, but I do know what I got from mine. He made me feel loved and accepted in a way I had never been before. He made me feel beautiful on my worst days. He shrugged off my bad moods and laughed me out of them. He ignored any insults I hurled his way and didn’t hold them against me. I could be my most terrible self and he still called me “His Queen”. Since he couldn’t possibly make a mistake in his choice of romantic partner (in his mind, anyway) I was the perfect woman for him. In a way, he did create the world we lived in and so much of it was wonderful, fun, interesting and never, never boring. But. The price I paid was tremendous and I will have to pay it for a while yet. I know that this relationship, this world of his, wasn’t ever real, but you know, it sure felt real. More real than anything I had ever experienced in my life. Those are pretty special feelings and he doesn’t them own, unless I let him.
My spath must have said “I don’t care” at least a thousand times over the course of our time together. And he meant it. What would bother a normal person, he was able to simply shrug off. It was a lesson to me to lighten up my very serious view of the world. Sometimes, things really don’t matter. (Another of his sayings). When I would get upset because something had broken and I would now have to spend the money to replace it, he said, “Things break, they wear out. Why are you getting so upset?” So I would stop and reevaluate what was important. I appreciated that viewpoint and still remember to tell myself that when yet again, something breaks.
I loved his sense of fun, it was so child-like. And although his version of fun would wear thin sometimes when it was inappropriate conduct, I tolerated it because I was thrilled by it. He really lived like somebody left the gate open! I couldn’t have been less like him if I had tried and his way of approaching life helped swing me more to the middle of the road than constantly riding the bumpy shoulder. How sad, for him, for us, that he had no idea when to stop pushing the envelope. Not realizing that what he was doing was hurting so many people. And it caused so much legal trouble in his life. How I wish that he could have kept that sense of joie de vivre without spinning out of control. Sigh! And one day, he didn’t care and I didn’t matter. My heart was broken.
I loved him very much. I still do. But the point is, I have the capacity to love someone and he doesn’t. He never will. Good for me! That means even if I don’t quite know how yet, I will be able to move on. It’s so very, very hard.
So what did he give me? He gave me complete acceptance and what I believed was love, in a way no one had before. And I had an opportunity to explode with genuine love for another person. He made me feel beautiful, no matter what and I am grateful for that.
And even if it was all an illusion, who here wouldn’t go back just for a day when we were first being love-bombed by our spath? Unfortunately, we can’t go back. The good news is, we can find a way to give deep love and acceptance to ourselves! This IS good news!
The spath uncovered our deepest needs and showed us how we can feel about ourselves, through their eyes. Who says we can’t feel that way again? Now this is my goal which I will reach for every single day for the rest of my life. And I have him to thank for that. I didn’t know before I met him that I could be wholly acceptable in someone’s eyes. Only now it’s my eyes. I can love-bomb myself.
If you are old enough, you may remember the poem, “Desiderata”. The best line was: “For all its pain, drudgery and broken dreams, it’s still a beautiful world. Strive to be happy”. Because if I give happiness to myself, then no one can ever take it away from me again. And it can’t be that hard to help myself feel that way again. If the spath can do it, then ANYONE can! What I finally understood is that it’s not him I miss or want back (he comes packaged with too much pain), it’s those amazing feelings. You know they’re already in you. He (or she) doesn’t have a copyright on them. Go get them, everyone!
I have been having a really ‘strange’ thing happening to me,
in my thoughts and attitudes, etc., since I changed my phone
number. JUST DOING THAT gave me IMMENSE peace and the
freedom away from all that dram-a-rama!
NO: making deals with the enemy does NOT work.
IT WILL ALWAYS BACKFIRE. ALWAYS. Trust me, I
know…I just spent a good many years TRYING to
makes deals with the enemy and all it did was prolong
the inevitable.
Either way the ‘inevitable’ is what it will be.
No amount of cajoling; no amount of being ‘nice’;
NO DEALS WORK with the devil himself.
I KNOW.
I laid every single offer on the table I COULD and
it still chose ugliness. When someone is determined
to destroy you, there is no way you can make friends.
It is most difficult when you realize that your worst
enemy is the person you have loved the most.
Sometimes we must make hard choices.
Sometimes it comes down to basic survival.
To disordered people, the ugly things they do,
they consider THEIR survival and it doesn’t matter
who they snuff or not. Like a shark on the hunt.
It is up to US to make the choices in what we tolerate.
Make no deals with the darkness.
Dupey
Dupey
One of the hardest lessons for most to learn is that there are bad people in the world that will hurt you just because they can. That people will do things just to make you fail. And that these types get off on it.
The second part of this is: It’s not about if we are good or bad. It’s just that it’s the way they are.
The third: we are the only ones that can protect ourselves from these people. Others can and may assist but they can not always be there. None of us can stop someone from hooking up with a spath. Only they can.
T
“Either way the ’inevitable’ is what it will be.
No amount of cajoling; no amount of being ’nice’;
NO DEALS WORK with the devil himself.
I KNOW.
I laid every single offer on the table I COULD and
it still chose ugliness. When someone is determined
to destroy you, there is no way you can make friends.
It is most difficult when you realize that your worst
enemy is the person you have loved the most.
Sometimes we must make hard choices.
Sometimes it comes down to basic survival.
To disordered people, the ugly things they do,
they consider THEIR survival and it doesn’t matter
who they snuff or not. Like a shark on the hunt.
It is up to US to make the choices in what we tolerate.
Make no deals with the darkness.
Dupey”
Thank you. I need to print this and read it every few days as a reminder.
The Peter Pan Syndrome.
But much more; isn’t it?
My x had no ‘real’ parents to speak of.
They abandoned him at a young age to
a sexually abusive grandmother.
The cracks run real deep.
Thanks spoon ((hugs))…
Christine: I am so happy my words have touched you.
I will pray for your healing journey.
Don’t give up. The times that are the most difficult,
is when we are doing the most healing….
Remember your value and your worth as a person.
Dupey
Back on the site again for strength…..
I think the first time I posted on here was 2010. After a 7 year on-again, off-again relationship, I felt that I had an upper hand on the situation, took the Spath to court and won the payment order. He only made 3 payments. I used up my savings to fight him in Court to get my money back. I gave up and will continue to pay down HIS $5800 loan. Two years of no contact and was feeling stronger than ever.
Fast forward to 2012….I go through a lonely period and who contacts me? The Spath. Well, the lovebombing starts again, and this time he tells me he wants me to meet his family, finally after 9 years. So my mind/heart tells me that he must have come to his senses, loves me and realizes that I am the best thing for him. I meet his family, he gives me access to his online Verizon account so I can check his cell phone records so he can earn my trust again. I am really believing it’s real this time. In the beginning, he is on his best behavior, letting me read every text on his phone, viewing the records online, etc. Two months later, he is texting his ex-wife all day long (like he had done in the past) and when I check his phone to read them, he had deleted them. When I confronted him, he told me that he needed his space and to quit checking up on him. So I packed his stuff and gave him his space right out the front door. When he left, he stared at me with puppy dog eyes and told me he had nowhere to go. I told him, sure you do, your ex-wife, who you have been having secret txts with. Her door is open to you, now go. It’s been 4 days No Contact.
I wrote up a list of Pros and Cons about the relationship with him and placed them on the mirror. No Pros and a long list of Cons. I look at it ever day getting ready for work. Alongside the list are affirmations about myself to build me up again, cause, damn, if he didn’t drag me down again all in two months time. I feel like such a damn fool for falling for his bs…again.
AND YES……THEY DO COME BACK TWO YEARS EVEN WITH NO CONTACT THAT WHOLE TIME…… Ugh….
((schnoodle64)) you hang in there.
I have been stalked and duped for the past
almost 13 years now. I gave up believing
ANYTHING “it” said when the death threats
and attempts started pouring in.
I hear tell they just keep on coming back and coming back.
FORTUNATELY, for me, I went completely NC this past April
although the stalking continued. I have all the ‘holes’ plugged
up now and the only thing left is an in person visit. THAT would
be a HUGE mistake for ‘it’. Just huge.
This NC is the sixth time in almost 13 years.
We want to believe so we believe but what we choose
to believe isn’t always what is. It’s sad that there are
‘disconnected’ people like this in the world but there are.
And, it’s up to us to stay away from the abuse.
PLUG UP THE HOLES this time and mean it.
It’s the only way it will ever change.
They don’t change – WE DO.
Dupey
Dupey
They don’t change ”“ WE DO. AMEN
XXOO
SPOOOOOOOOOOOOON
Dupey. Thank you. The funny thing is I really wasn’t sure why the sudden txting with the ex cause things were going great between us. We had decided to take his son to a Tiger game last weekend. I told him I could pay for my own ticket and I would drive and pay for gas, but I didn’t have the funds to pay for EVERYONE and EVERYTHING, including his $64 worth of beer at the game. After that, he starts txting the ex-wife. I got fed up with the secret/deleted txting and within two days, I booted him out last Friday.
Sunday, I’m watching the Tiger game and they pan the camera on the stands……OMG, it’s Spath, ex-wife and son in the stands. Now it was VERY CLEAR to me all the txting with the ex. Schnoodle won’t pay for the whole thing and so they worked it out to get back together so HE could go to the game for FREE. ITS ALL ABOUT SUPPLY and who will fill “his” needs. I basically set up boundries and he did not like it. What an eye-opener!
schnoodle64, sounds like the boundary need to be NO CONTACT from here on in.
Spoon, thanks, that was the part I was trying to copy…when we see evil and say nothing we allow it to prosper and grow.
I can’t imagine what prisoners of war endured, or the people in the Nazi prison camps, but I did read Dr. Viktor Frankl’s book about the emotional responses that different people took.
Some cooperated with the enemy against their fellow prisoners, and others turned their faces to the wall and gave up and died, and some fought and fought against all kinds of odds. Some of the people in each group died and some lived (except those who turned their faces to the wall and died) Some survivors became bitter and angry for the rest of their lives, some came to believe that because they suffered the world owed them something…
My egg donor has a saying that I will always remember
“the same sun that hardens the clay, melts the wax”
Meaning that the same CONDITIONS will produce different results depending on what the substance those conditions are applied to is.
We have all endured trauma at the hands of abusers…but what we do with the results of that depends onn what basic substance we were to start with. Some of us will learn and some of us won’t learn. Some of us will use it as a spring board to something better, and some will become bitter, angry and unhappy forever. But I for myself, intend to become better, to learn from this and get the ultimate revenge by living a healthy and happy and peaceful life.