Editor’s Note: The following was posted as a comment by the Lovefraud reader, NewLife43. I thought everyone should see it.
I had a small epiphany today while driving back from the grocery store. What, exactly, did the spath give me that I find so difficult to let go? I have been married twice before and when those marriages were over, I was sad and wished that they hadn’t ended the way that they had. But neither one of them was like this 8 year relationship! I was still the same person, what was so different this time? Why couldn’t I release it and move on with my life?
Neither one of my ex-husbands were like the spath. In fact, NO ONE had ever made me feel like he did. And by that I mean, no one had ever made me as physically sick, scared, confused, bewildered, ashamed, lost, financially devastated”¦well, you get the picture. Most of us on here have been decimated, humiliated and degraded by this sub-human species. What is wrong with us that we cannot LET THEM GO? We shouldn’t just be glad to kiss them good-bye, we should be kicking them goodbye! And instead, many of us would take them back in a heartbeat.
Why? Because they gave us something we so deeply needed, that the world ended the same time that the relationship did. I don’t know what everyone else received from their spath, but I do know what I got from mine. He made me feel loved and accepted in a way I had never been before. He made me feel beautiful on my worst days. He shrugged off my bad moods and laughed me out of them. He ignored any insults I hurled his way and didn’t hold them against me. I could be my most terrible self and he still called me “His Queen”. Since he couldn’t possibly make a mistake in his choice of romantic partner (in his mind, anyway) I was the perfect woman for him. In a way, he did create the world we lived in and so much of it was wonderful, fun, interesting and never, never boring. But. The price I paid was tremendous and I will have to pay it for a while yet. I know that this relationship, this world of his, wasn’t ever real, but you know, it sure felt real. More real than anything I had ever experienced in my life. Those are pretty special feelings and he doesn’t them own, unless I let him.
My spath must have said “I don’t care” at least a thousand times over the course of our time together. And he meant it. What would bother a normal person, he was able to simply shrug off. It was a lesson to me to lighten up my very serious view of the world. Sometimes, things really don’t matter. (Another of his sayings). When I would get upset because something had broken and I would now have to spend the money to replace it, he said, “Things break, they wear out. Why are you getting so upset?” So I would stop and reevaluate what was important. I appreciated that viewpoint and still remember to tell myself that when yet again, something breaks.
I loved his sense of fun, it was so child-like. And although his version of fun would wear thin sometimes when it was inappropriate conduct, I tolerated it because I was thrilled by it. He really lived like somebody left the gate open! I couldn’t have been less like him if I had tried and his way of approaching life helped swing me more to the middle of the road than constantly riding the bumpy shoulder. How sad, for him, for us, that he had no idea when to stop pushing the envelope. Not realizing that what he was doing was hurting so many people. And it caused so much legal trouble in his life. How I wish that he could have kept that sense of joie de vivre without spinning out of control. Sigh! And one day, he didn’t care and I didn’t matter. My heart was broken.
I loved him very much. I still do. But the point is, I have the capacity to love someone and he doesn’t. He never will. Good for me! That means even if I don’t quite know how yet, I will be able to move on. It’s so very, very hard.
So what did he give me? He gave me complete acceptance and what I believed was love, in a way no one had before. And I had an opportunity to explode with genuine love for another person. He made me feel beautiful, no matter what and I am grateful for that.
And even if it was all an illusion, who here wouldn’t go back just for a day when we were first being love-bombed by our spath? Unfortunately, we can’t go back. The good news is, we can find a way to give deep love and acceptance to ourselves! This IS good news!
The spath uncovered our deepest needs and showed us how we can feel about ourselves, through their eyes. Who says we can’t feel that way again? Now this is my goal which I will reach for every single day for the rest of my life. And I have him to thank for that. I didn’t know before I met him that I could be wholly acceptable in someone’s eyes. Only now it’s my eyes. I can love-bomb myself.
If you are old enough, you may remember the poem, “Desiderata”. The best line was: “For all its pain, drudgery and broken dreams, it’s still a beautiful world. Strive to be happy”. Because if I give happiness to myself, then no one can ever take it away from me again. And it can’t be that hard to help myself feel that way again. If the spath can do it, then ANYONE can! What I finally understood is that it’s not him I miss or want back (he comes packaged with too much pain), it’s those amazing feelings. You know they’re already in you. He (or she) doesn’t have a copyright on them. Go get them, everyone!
Ox, hi! Figured that was the part and your welcome.
If we make a deal with evil it wins. And we lose.
It can be hard to grasp the difference of the conditions that Frankl faced and the conditions that those in the N. Korean and the outcome.
And yes it is what we have in us. Because it’s not what happens to us that is the deciding factor but how we choose to see it [what meaning we give it]. If we see things through the looking glass of it’s happening to me because I’m bad, nothing ever goes right, I’m unlucky etc. Then we are not going to fair well.
One thing about beliefs is, once we choose to believe something, we forever treat it as if it is true. Doesn’t mean it is true or ever was true. It’s just that for the one holding the belief it will always be true. That is as long as that belief is in us, it will continue to effect us – until we rid ourselves of it.
The “love” that those still have for the spath is a belief. And as long as it is there it will effect. It is a compulsion/addiction type of thing that they have hooked the emotions of love to. A trauma bond. It’s a lie but it still feels like it’s the truth.
Trauma to one is a trill to another. One person gets in a plane and jumps out at 10,000 feet. Pulls the the rip cord and lands and wants to do it again. Another you can’t even get them near a plane. The difference is the meaning that they give it.
Happiness is a Verb.
THE FOUR CONDITIONS OF BEING HAPPY
1) Accountability;
2) Proactivity;
3) Sensory Acuity;
4) Adaptability.
living a healthy and happy and peaceful life – ’tis the best revenge.
T
schnoodle: it IS all about the supply.
I don’t know what a female psychopath is like because I have
never had a run-in with one, face to face, (yet), although not
confirmed, I do believe I was RAISED by a whole family of
disordered people. Sometimes I think we try to ‘rectify’
past problems and/or sadnesses by trying to ‘fix’ something
or someone. I think that is where our kindnesses get us in
all the trouble our compassion seems to get us.
Your experience sounds absolutely HORRID and I would not stand
for it not one more moment. I would rather be and die ALONE
than to tolerate any further disrespect.
You need to remember your worth and your value as a person.
WHO were you before that slimeball came along? Do you remember
that person? THAT is the person you need to get back to and just
put that garbage completely out of your mind. Take all the LESSONS
learned and live wiser and happier and freer without the negativity.
The same way I did. After almost 13 years and SIX attempts at NC,
I think I FINALLY have this down. They deserve NOTHING from
us due to their lack of considerations and intentional cruelties.
PUT THE TRASH OUT, DEARIE.
It is difficult,
I know, but deserved. It can only BETTER your life.
Trust me. Stand up for who you are.
SPOON: Happiness is a verb.
THAT IS WONDERFUL.
😛
I send you Blessings and prayers for direction, schnoodle…
Stay close to the light…you will be alright.
Dupey
Dupey 🙂
Love is also a verb. Love is action. How someone loves us is their meaning of love. How we love others is our meaning of the word. It always shows in our actions. Hence “Actions speak louder then Words.” So we want to find someone that has close to the same definition of love as we do.
The love we feel is what we put on others actions. Not something that others put on us. The spath didn’t make one feel love. They only gave the illusion that one was being treated as if. But we are the one’s that hook the feeling to the acts. Which goes to accountability.
Optimism and Pessimism are also verbs. They too show up in our actions. Someone talking about change and hoping for something better may sound like an optimism but if no action is taken then they are really pessimistic. They are saying the right things but doing nothing to bring about the outcome they want. More wishing then action.
The first plank in Happiness is Accountability. Where we hold ourselves accountable for our actions and our outcomes. It’s not about blame but where we stop being passive recipients to change. Like you did going NC. Stop wishing and do what needs to be done. This is also where being grateful would go.
Second is Proactivity. Happy people are action oriented. They believe they have a choice and act on it. Choice being they decide on what they want. Act on it – they go about making it happen. The opposite to this are beliefs like “Life happens to me” – “I’m all good or all bad – if I get the job it means I’m good/special. If I don’t get the job I’m bad/less then” – any belief where life/events defines us instead of us defining our lives.
Third is Sensory Acuity a little hard to explain. It’s being in the here and now. It’s keeping things in context i.e. “actions speak louder the words” – How we gather information and what we do with it. Listening to that gut feeling that told you that the spath was no good.
Feedback/information that indicates the extent to which you are on or off target in achieving your outcomes.
Other people’s actions and reactions to certain situations/stimuli.
How you are reacting to certain situations/stimuli.
Fourth is Adaptability and Flexibility. The ability to change your behavior appropriately and creatively in response to life. It is the difference between being a helpless victim of chance and circumstance to one who takes action to get their desires met.
XXOO
T
(((spoon)))
“Love” — I am not so sure I believe in it anymore.
Not in the ‘relationship’ sense – the ‘white picket fence’
and the dog in the back yard with four kids….the station
wagon and the whole bazillion yards. Least not for me.
My oldest and spouse just celebrated 21 years of HAPPY
marriage…I am very happy for them but I do believe
there are some of us in this life that are MEANT to walk
it alone and I believe I am one of those people.
“Love” is an action word/verb when put into action.
That’s just it, isn’t it?
Not always is it true that how someone ‘loves’ us is their
meaning of love. My x does NOT know the meaning of
that word and I am not so sure I do anymore either.
I have been through A LOT looking for it and only finding
holes in the bottom of my dixie cup….
I am not bitter – just resigned and accepting.
SPATHS make you THINK they are sharing the
same definition of ‘love’ that we are but they can’t.
They are liars and fakers.
ILLUSION: that’s just a huge word in all this; isn’t it?
Right: we are the one’s who hooked the FEELING to
the FAKING ACTS. Which, I completely agree…
goes right to ‘accountability’.
Oh there was lots of the optimism/pessimism hooks going on.
Talk, talk, talk, yack, yack, yack, blah, blah, blah…
bullshit, all of it. From the beginning to the end.
Saying the right things and doing nothing.
Right: MORE than ‘wishing’ action…
IMPLEMENTING IT.
Proactivity: yes, like “I” did by curbing “IT”.
NOT accepting the garbage and making a concrete change.
If I had NOT gone NC (completely & finally) this being would
have not only driven me COMPLETELY INSANE but there is a
VERY GOOD CHANCE “IT” would have gotten my very LIFE.
The thin line between ‘caring’ and ‘sense of physical safety’
played a huge part in hanging on or not.
Sensory Acuity: I have learned all about that, Dear spoon…
It has taken me the best part of 3 years now to get it back.
I felt like a recovering and sick person, all the time….once
I started getting ‘free’ from the abuse and control, it’s been
about 3 years now, since I started my journey out of the dark.
Nobody could ever really understand what this ‘captivity’
was like for me. I went from having an amazing career,
working at a ‘dream job’…ended up losing that; ended up
with all kinds of medical issues; almost lost my life…it goes
on and on and on – stories that would make MOVIES look
like a walk in the park; trust me.
I know I am not ever going to be the same after all this
but I AM emerging someone stronger and wiser and more
apt to be in that ‘here and now’ than ever…finding it was
tough. My counselors used to say: “Live in the here and
now, Dupey”…kind of hard to do that when someone is
lurking and stalking and wishes you dead….
Kind of hard to put it in the past…
Ah yes: adaptability and flexibility…
The DESIRE to change your behavior to something
appropriate and CONSTRUCTIVELY responding to life…
That’s a choice.
I stopped being the victim the moment I realized I was
being MADE a ‘victim’. The Hounds of Hell can have “IT”.
Life doesn’t just ‘happen’ – fatalist thinking…
LIFE HAPPENS BECAUSE WE MAKE IT HAPPEN.
I chose to make it happen.
And, once I choose to make something happen,
it usually happens. And, it has but with GREAT DISDAIN
on x behalf. The doors are sealed and am I EVER GLAD!
I should have gotten rid of this monster A LONG TIME AGO!
Not waited so long.
XXXXXOOOOO – for YOU spoon.
Have a happy, spath freee day, would ya?
Dupey
“Most relationships tend to fail. Not because of the absence of love. Love is always present. It’s just that one was being loved too much and the other wasn’t being loved enough”. That being said, I think in a spath relationship the other couldn’t offer love as we know it. When I gave the Spath the boot, he told me he couldn’t love me the way I needed/wanted to be loved. That was the only thing in 9 years that came out of his mouth as truth.
schnoodle: “..I can’t love you the way you want and need…” I have heard that ‘drama king’ line before too…
It’s like they all study out of the same handbook.
Their words are all so much alike; aren’t they?
Probably THE ONLY TRUTH, schnoodle…
I am starting to believe ’tis so…
😛
Dupey: I deleted every “fake” love text from him. I had over 185. All love-bombing texts. Why did I keep them? Cause I wanted to believe they were true. As he was getting into his vehicle to leave, I lifted my phone, showed him one of the texts about getting married and being together forever and I said to him…..”These words are not real. The man that sent these to me is not real. The real man is standing before me….a fake.” He got in his vehicle and drove off without saying a word.
My question is this—Why can all my family and friends see that he is/was a fake, scammer, con-man, etc and yet I could not? 9 years later and after many times of his suspicious activity with the ex-wife, I now can see what they see, but what made me accept him, believing it was going to be different each time, only to be hurt? Who in their right mind does that? I used to say, how can a woman who is being beat up by her man stay? And yet, I was being “beat up” emotionally and mentally by this idiot. The human mind is hard to understand”..
It’s turned me into a cynical person. I want to believe in love and mankind and true relationships”..but after this, it is really hard.
schnoodle64:
The answer is because you were sexually involved with him and you were in love with him. Your family and friends did not have that physical bond with him therefore they could see all that you did not. We were blind. But not anymore!
Dupey
“Not always is it true that how someone ’loves’ us is their
meaning of love.”
Not saying it is the correct or appropriate meaning of love just their meaning. That’s why Actions say more then their words.
————-
Here are some of the basics:
Love is kindness.
Love doesn’t envy.
Love does not seek it’s own. Meaning it’s not about getting something for one’s action. It’s the doing for the one we love.
Love is slow to anger.
The magic still exists. Get a new Dixie Cup ;). Maybe a while before you can see it. But as you heal – things change. Not saying you should or shouldn’t be with someone. Not that smart. Only God has those answers. Just that as we heal emotionally and things start to become more normal. Desires, wants, and needs start tapping us on the shoulder. We can turn a corner and it’s all different, exciting and new… like we never thought it could be. Hope is sometimes all we have.
“Love” is an action word/verb when put into action.
That’s just it, isn’t it?
Yep that’s all it is. Well a little more. It’s the meaning we give action. And the meaning and the action have to jive. Knocking you across the room is not an act of love. Forcing one to do something is not an act of love[in most cases]. An act of love can be as small as me saving the last slice of pie you love or as big as taking a bullet for you. As long as my action stay within the love paradigm.
ILLUSION: “HUGE” – that it is. FAKING ACTS. The hooking of the feeling is part of it. We all make mistakes. It was the not taking action to correct it. How I usually say it: It’s not our first act that causes us the biggest problems. We all screw up. Mistakes are enviable. Do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, ect. It’s how we “handle” the “screw up” that says it all. Why? We will screw up.
The “here and now” does sometimes sounds like an oxymoron statement. Had a tough time with understanding the act of being. How can I BE something I’m not? Took me a while to get my head around it. We don’t find – We create it.
“The doors are sealed” AHHHH but you did it. That’s what counts.
Will say that by the difference in your writing now. I can see that many changes are taking place. It’s looking good too.
May spaths that see you run away confused and quivering. And right before they get out of sight boom goes the little smurf.
XXXOOO
Enjoy the day – It’s a CHOICE
SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON
Dear Schnoodle,
You ask: My question is this—Why can all my family and friends see that he is/was a fake, scammer, con-man, etc and yet I could not?
The answer is BECAUSE THEY WERE NOT BLINDED TO HIM BY A DESIRE FOR UNDYING “LOVE”
A dear friend of mine was being love bombed by a man who was everything in the world she desired. He was handsome, successful, (as successful as she was/is which is big time) and so kind and caring and such a well mannered gentleman.
I saw from the get go that he was a FAKER but she was NOT intersted in seeing what I said as possible even. She saw what she WANTED to see…a wonderful man.
We fall for the lies, whether it is a love relationship or a family or friend relationship with a psychopath because we fall for the lie because it is WHAT WE WANT TO HEAR.
Your family didn’t have anythhing emotional invested in him, you did. Therefore YOU were vulnerable to believing the lies. They were NOT.
Don’t feel “stooopid” because you aren’t, you were just vulnerable and being vulnerable blinds us to the truth in these situations.