Editor’s Note: The following was posted as a comment by the Lovefraud reader, NewLife43. I thought everyone should see it.
I had a small epiphany today while driving back from the grocery store. What, exactly, did the spath give me that I find so difficult to let go? I have been married twice before and when those marriages were over, I was sad and wished that they hadn’t ended the way that they had. But neither one of them was like this 8 year relationship! I was still the same person, what was so different this time? Why couldn’t I release it and move on with my life?
Neither one of my ex-husbands were like the spath. In fact, NO ONE had ever made me feel like he did. And by that I mean, no one had ever made me as physically sick, scared, confused, bewildered, ashamed, lost, financially devastated”¦well, you get the picture. Most of us on here have been decimated, humiliated and degraded by this sub-human species. What is wrong with us that we cannot LET THEM GO? We shouldn’t just be glad to kiss them good-bye, we should be kicking them goodbye! And instead, many of us would take them back in a heartbeat.
Why? Because they gave us something we so deeply needed, that the world ended the same time that the relationship did. I don’t know what everyone else received from their spath, but I do know what I got from mine. He made me feel loved and accepted in a way I had never been before. He made me feel beautiful on my worst days. He shrugged off my bad moods and laughed me out of them. He ignored any insults I hurled his way and didn’t hold them against me. I could be my most terrible self and he still called me “His Queen”. Since he couldn’t possibly make a mistake in his choice of romantic partner (in his mind, anyway) I was the perfect woman for him. In a way, he did create the world we lived in and so much of it was wonderful, fun, interesting and never, never boring. But. The price I paid was tremendous and I will have to pay it for a while yet. I know that this relationship, this world of his, wasn’t ever real, but you know, it sure felt real. More real than anything I had ever experienced in my life. Those are pretty special feelings and he doesn’t them own, unless I let him.
My spath must have said “I don’t care” at least a thousand times over the course of our time together. And he meant it. What would bother a normal person, he was able to simply shrug off. It was a lesson to me to lighten up my very serious view of the world. Sometimes, things really don’t matter. (Another of his sayings). When I would get upset because something had broken and I would now have to spend the money to replace it, he said, “Things break, they wear out. Why are you getting so upset?” So I would stop and reevaluate what was important. I appreciated that viewpoint and still remember to tell myself that when yet again, something breaks.
I loved his sense of fun, it was so child-like. And although his version of fun would wear thin sometimes when it was inappropriate conduct, I tolerated it because I was thrilled by it. He really lived like somebody left the gate open! I couldn’t have been less like him if I had tried and his way of approaching life helped swing me more to the middle of the road than constantly riding the bumpy shoulder. How sad, for him, for us, that he had no idea when to stop pushing the envelope. Not realizing that what he was doing was hurting so many people. And it caused so much legal trouble in his life. How I wish that he could have kept that sense of joie de vivre without spinning out of control. Sigh! And one day, he didn’t care and I didn’t matter. My heart was broken.
I loved him very much. I still do. But the point is, I have the capacity to love someone and he doesn’t. He never will. Good for me! That means even if I don’t quite know how yet, I will be able to move on. It’s so very, very hard.
So what did he give me? He gave me complete acceptance and what I believed was love, in a way no one had before. And I had an opportunity to explode with genuine love for another person. He made me feel beautiful, no matter what and I am grateful for that.
And even if it was all an illusion, who here wouldn’t go back just for a day when we were first being love-bombed by our spath? Unfortunately, we can’t go back. The good news is, we can find a way to give deep love and acceptance to ourselves! This IS good news!
The spath uncovered our deepest needs and showed us how we can feel about ourselves, through their eyes. Who says we can’t feel that way again? Now this is my goal which I will reach for every single day for the rest of my life. And I have him to thank for that. I didn’t know before I met him that I could be wholly acceptable in someone’s eyes. Only now it’s my eyes. I can love-bomb myself.
If you are old enough, you may remember the poem, “Desiderata”. The best line was: “For all its pain, drudgery and broken dreams, it’s still a beautiful world. Strive to be happy”. Because if I give happiness to myself, then no one can ever take it away from me again. And it can’t be that hard to help myself feel that way again. If the spath can do it, then ANYONE can! What I finally understood is that it’s not him I miss or want back (he comes packaged with too much pain), it’s those amazing feelings. You know they’re already in you. He (or she) doesn’t have a copyright on them. Go get them, everyone!
I posted before I read this article, shameful, it’s a fantastic post! I never felt quite this way but you put it so eloquently and you’re right! We can ‘love-bomb’ ourselves and it’s something I’ve only recently been able to do – my ex spath and I split up 5 years ago.
I’m still going through a custody battle with him but other than casual talk when dropping of our child for visitation, I will only discuss any real issues with him by email. He hates it. It allows me to read them when I can muster up ‘whatever-it-is-I-need’ to tolerate them and find something halfway decent to say back to him. It allows me to keep my sanity. This is the best piece of advice my attorney gave me (email communication.)
The second best piece of advice he gave me (he’s in his 70’s and feels the need to impart wisdom which I am grateful for) is to be ‘brutal when choosing a mate.’ He said to pay attention to how they treat their family and friends because that is how they will treat you. There was more to it but that was the part that really stuck with me. If only I had known this before. But all things happen for a reason and I’m glad I know now.
I want to add you guys are so smart I have to keep a second window up to look up definitions of words and I have a pretty expansive vocabulary. I’ve looked up 3 words/phrases this morning. I love to learn something new every day and you guys keep me on my toes!
Yes, it is a great post Donna. Very thought provoking. And you all are right…its interesting how we can totally block out the good memories sometimes because of the trauma. it’s like a natural defense mechanism or something.
Someone asked me just yesterday what was the happiest time in my life. I immediately said, “the day my baby boy was born”. Well, Luc was there for that. When I think back on that day…it still makes me happy to remember seeing my boy for the first time. I try to stop myself from thinking about the fact that Luc was there and letting that spoil my memory of that day.
I do, however, thanking him for being there that day and telling him that his presence made me happier. Looking back on it, however, he did many things that made my child birth experience much worse than it should have been. Odd that at the time I felt the need to stroke his ego. ugh
It was still the best day though…
I liked that phrase of ‘lovebombing ourselves’… and at least we can be sure it’s real love 🙂
SublimeGirl,
I am new to this site, only a couple of weeks, and it has already helped me a lot. Reading the stories of all those wonderful people gives me the courage to move on and the hope that someday my heart will be healed.
I agree with you, the people that the sociopaths chose as targets are the most caring, spiritual, beautiful and intelligent ones – the rest are not a challenge to them, and I wish there was a way for all of us to meet too, unfortunately I live in Europe and it would be difficult for me, but I already feel the people here as my brothers and sisters even if I had never met them. I admire each one of them for their kindness and strength.
I am sure that each one of us would make a perfect friend, husband or wife, and most of people would dream to have us in their lives, so I guess that among all the rest, the sociopaths must be the dumpest people in the world for letting us go!
My attraction to the x-spath was almost inverse that of others, perhaps because this was a gay relationship. Thus, I was neither swept off my feet or saw him as overwhelmingly sexual. In fact, he was neither.
And that was the attraction. Virtually every other relationship I had started with sex. Not so, with the x-spath. When he became insulted that I even asked him back to my place for a beer, his words cemented in my mind the notion that he was looking for something more than sex.
As I got to know him “better” (thru emails, txt, chatting and phone calls) I began to think I met a soulmate, as we seemed to have much in common. Also, I could sense he had issues to deal with and his being less than perfect in that area was also an attraction — I could help him fulfill himself.
Of course, the soulmate impression was mirroring. That he was looking for more than sex a complete lie, given what some of his online profiles say. And the thought of “fulfilling” somebody is a big red flag — of myself at that time.
Interestingly, by coming across his online trail, I learned the real truth about him there — much of it not very nice but there is a part of him that is very, very similar to me. If he were not a sociopath, we could actually be great friends.
Thanks to this site and its community, I intellectually accept that he is a fraud. I learned about mirroring and how effective this tactic can be. It is so effective that since him, I have not met anyone who has seemed “right” enough for me.
This is the problem with the sociopath — all their negative tactics are incredible effective at producing a bonding where none really existed, at least in the mutual sense. So much so, new people in your life never seem to even come close.
GREAT ARTICLE!!!!! Well written and articulate. LF posters continue to impress me with the depth of their knowledge and self analysis.
“The best line was: “For all its pain, drudgery and broken dreams, it’s still a beautiful world. Strive to be happy”. Because if I give happiness to myself, then no one can ever take it away from me again. ”
Thank you. I needed to read this today. It’s snapped me out of an angry mood I had lapsed into again when thinking about some of the crap he’s pulled and his lack of care for anyone.
It is indeed still a beautiful world and all of spath’s crappola doesn’t make an iota of difference. I can be happy regardless of what he does and I will make sure my son will be happy despite his father, too.
behind_blue_eyes
“….producing a bonding where none really existed”
That is because the bonding takes place in our own minds and we do it to ourselves. And when this is done we identify with it as being us.
We don’t fall in love when the person is there with us. It is done when we are alone. The phrase “love-bomb ourselves” is very apropos. What happens is the person goes into a self induce trance [which is very powerful state] as they are idealizing the relationship and the other person. Run this through a few times, with the right emotions and when they come out they are in love. Usually it falls apart as fast as it was created when our “in love” meets reality. Think about how many times you have fallen in love? When we are young it happen all the time. The more you run the stack that created this state the stronger the state becomes.
A trauma bond works in a similar way. There is many ways this can work. So here is one version. The person is normally in the emotional/mental state of “in love.” The trauma happens. One goes into a depression/shock state [hypnotic]. Now they run the trauma event over and over trying to make sense of it. Not being able to emotionally deal with it. They run it in it’s disassociated state. Which keeps the emotions away from them. [Seeing themselves in the event.] And before they can process the emotions of the trauma the spath comes in and does something really nice. With the I’m sorry, I love you, it want happen again etc. And this blows the mind of the victim again. Add make-up sex. Which causes the “In-Love stack” to run. And this one is a associated state where they feel the emotions. The more time the “in-Love stack” is run the stronger the state becomes. Repeat it enough and we have a compulsion/addiction. The compulsion aspect of this will happen very quickly. When it happens.
I learned this about the dissociated state first in how I handle trauma. To make it short. I had 3 big trauma events happen in one week. And I showed no effect from them. Always handled emergency situation well. I was fine. People were worried. Some thought I may have a screw lose. Any way about 4 months latter my body begin to shake. Emotions over whelmed me. This lasted for about a week. Things would be fine then I’d just fall apart. After some looking back I noticed this was the case in all the bad things that had happened. The emotional effects didn’t hit me till later. The bigger it was the further out I pushed it. Years after realizing this I learned what dissociation and association was.
My 2 Cents
spoon
There is something to this “dissociation” thing. My therapist mentioned it to me. I think a lot of us on here might have a tendency to do this in trauma situations. It is a coping mechanism of sorts. It’s really scary because something terrible can be happening and you just totally remove yourself from it. It’s dangerous over time because it allows us to stay in bad situations longer.
cappuccinoqueen, Hi
We only have the 2 states in which to process memory dissociation and association. It can work for our benefit or against us. But knowing how they work and the effect each have. We can use it for our good. Take the love addiction that has developed. We dissociate the memories and then run it backwards to strip the emotions off of the memory. And when this is done the addiction is no longer there. The memory no longer has any effect on us. It becomes like any other event that has no meaning to us. Most of the events in any day are in this category. Most of the day is just a bunch of non-events that have no emotional hook on them so they mean nothing to us. And this is what can be done to the love addiction. And all memories of the spath.
My 2 Cents
spoon