Editor’s Note: The following was posted as a comment by the Lovefraud reader, NewLife43. I thought everyone should see it.
I had a small epiphany today while driving back from the grocery store. What, exactly, did the spath give me that I find so difficult to let go? I have been married twice before and when those marriages were over, I was sad and wished that they hadn’t ended the way that they had. But neither one of them was like this 8 year relationship! I was still the same person, what was so different this time? Why couldn’t I release it and move on with my life?
Neither one of my ex-husbands were like the spath. In fact, NO ONE had ever made me feel like he did. And by that I mean, no one had ever made me as physically sick, scared, confused, bewildered, ashamed, lost, financially devastated”¦well, you get the picture. Most of us on here have been decimated, humiliated and degraded by this sub-human species. What is wrong with us that we cannot LET THEM GO? We shouldn’t just be glad to kiss them good-bye, we should be kicking them goodbye! And instead, many of us would take them back in a heartbeat.
Why? Because they gave us something we so deeply needed, that the world ended the same time that the relationship did. I don’t know what everyone else received from their spath, but I do know what I got from mine. He made me feel loved and accepted in a way I had never been before. He made me feel beautiful on my worst days. He shrugged off my bad moods and laughed me out of them. He ignored any insults I hurled his way and didn’t hold them against me. I could be my most terrible self and he still called me “His Queen”. Since he couldn’t possibly make a mistake in his choice of romantic partner (in his mind, anyway) I was the perfect woman for him. In a way, he did create the world we lived in and so much of it was wonderful, fun, interesting and never, never boring. But. The price I paid was tremendous and I will have to pay it for a while yet. I know that this relationship, this world of his, wasn’t ever real, but you know, it sure felt real. More real than anything I had ever experienced in my life. Those are pretty special feelings and he doesn’t them own, unless I let him.
My spath must have said “I don’t care” at least a thousand times over the course of our time together. And he meant it. What would bother a normal person, he was able to simply shrug off. It was a lesson to me to lighten up my very serious view of the world. Sometimes, things really don’t matter. (Another of his sayings). When I would get upset because something had broken and I would now have to spend the money to replace it, he said, “Things break, they wear out. Why are you getting so upset?” So I would stop and reevaluate what was important. I appreciated that viewpoint and still remember to tell myself that when yet again, something breaks.
I loved his sense of fun, it was so child-like. And although his version of fun would wear thin sometimes when it was inappropriate conduct, I tolerated it because I was thrilled by it. He really lived like somebody left the gate open! I couldn’t have been less like him if I had tried and his way of approaching life helped swing me more to the middle of the road than constantly riding the bumpy shoulder. How sad, for him, for us, that he had no idea when to stop pushing the envelope. Not realizing that what he was doing was hurting so many people. And it caused so much legal trouble in his life. How I wish that he could have kept that sense of joie de vivre without spinning out of control. Sigh! And one day, he didn’t care and I didn’t matter. My heart was broken.
I loved him very much. I still do. But the point is, I have the capacity to love someone and he doesn’t. He never will. Good for me! That means even if I don’t quite know how yet, I will be able to move on. It’s so very, very hard.
So what did he give me? He gave me complete acceptance and what I believed was love, in a way no one had before. And I had an opportunity to explode with genuine love for another person. He made me feel beautiful, no matter what and I am grateful for that.
And even if it was all an illusion, who here wouldn’t go back just for a day when we were first being love-bombed by our spath? Unfortunately, we can’t go back. The good news is, we can find a way to give deep love and acceptance to ourselves! This IS good news!
The spath uncovered our deepest needs and showed us how we can feel about ourselves, through their eyes. Who says we can’t feel that way again? Now this is my goal which I will reach for every single day for the rest of my life. And I have him to thank for that. I didn’t know before I met him that I could be wholly acceptable in someone’s eyes. Only now it’s my eyes. I can love-bomb myself.
If you are old enough, you may remember the poem, “Desiderata”. The best line was: “For all its pain, drudgery and broken dreams, it’s still a beautiful world. Strive to be happy”. Because if I give happiness to myself, then no one can ever take it away from me again. And it can’t be that hard to help myself feel that way again. If the spath can do it, then ANYONE can! What I finally understood is that it’s not him I miss or want back (he comes packaged with too much pain), it’s those amazing feelings. You know they’re already in you. He (or she) doesn’t have a copyright on them. Go get them, everyone!
spoon
schnoodle64
Another way to see it. Once we choose to believe then the belief is always treated by the believer as being true. You believed you loved him so it was true to you.
ADDED NOTE:
You felt love and the feelings must be true. But feelings are not facts. They are emotions that we hook to beliefs, events etc. The way our mind works is the input from the outside world goes through our emotional center before it gets to our logic center of our brain. The greater the emotional response we have the harder it is to override it with logic. And with a trauma bond fear is tied to all of this – making it harder to override. If it becomes a compulsion sort of like a nervous habit. Then every time one thinks of leaving the fear triggers a response and overrides the logic. And around and round it goes. With this it’s not that the person is broken. It is how we are designed to protect ourselves. This is part of our “Fight or Fight” response where women (mostly) sometimes use the “attempt to defuse the situation” aka hunker down, as their protective response. And this can be transcended. Just by knowing that this is what is happening can go a long way in dealing with. Also by reframing the situation.
Danie Beaulieu is one person that talks about this. It’s part of what they call the Reptilian Brain.
End of Note
When his actions showed other wise it created a problem for the belief. How you chose to deal with the dilemma is where the problem was. Not being able at the time, to challenge the belief. Wanting the love more then anything else. It’s not about blame.
T
Back_from_the_edge
schnoodle: spoon, ox and louise are all correct.
that is what makes this such a complex thing and
difficult to express.
I have found that once you validate them and give them room
for ‘some’ disrespect, that disrespect only grows and becomes
HUGE. The “give an inch, take a mile” thing. It happens any-
ways, with most men I have known, but I think MORE SO with
a spath/ppath.
We wanted to believe the bullshit that was spewing forth.
So we did. We trusted and were burned only one more time.
BUT: I look at it like this: we can DESTRUCTIVELY deal with
this issue or choose to CONSTRUCTIVELY deal with it. I am
not and never have been a ‘quitter’. Except when there is no
further hope.
It isn’t about the blame.
It never has been.
I just want this screaming, blood curdling NIGHTMARE
to stop. Once and for all. I will feel better once I change
my address too.
I do NOT trust “IT”, AT ALL.
I refuse to accept ANY MORE disrespect.
Period.
No vengeance or ill well intended, spath, although I could,
very well, with all the evidence you have left behind….
I have MORE IMPORTANT things to do with my life.
Than waste it on you.
You just really aren’t worth it anymore…
Dupey
Back_from_the_edge
Dear spoon: I have been reading and re-reading your last post.
Hence, the delay in responding.
HOPE is what has gotten me this far, my Dear Friend.
Through my entire life, I never let go of that little flicker
that you feel in your chest spurring you on to that smile..
I have never been so deeply betrayed by anyone I have
ever cared about. I have never been so destroyed, as a
person, the way this experience has done to me. It has
almost, physically, taken my life, in more ways than one.
I don’t look at myself as a ‘victim’ – I regard myself as a
survivor; someone who has the scars to prove it. I don’t
want pity but understanding. And, I want “IT” as far away
from me as I can possibly KEEP IT. I slept with the devil,
himself, I do believe and that is stunning and shocking to
unravel it all.
I gave up on myself is when I gave room to the ugliness to move in. I don’t feel ashamed or stupid…the shame and stupidity is on them. I don’t have to stand for it anymore and I am not. It’s just that plain and simple. What makes “IT’s” life more important than mine?
Yes, I do need a new dixie cup.
The old one is getting worn out.
The bottom is about to fall out.
But, you know what?
From here on out, IT IS MY WAY.
All of it. And, I don’t mean in any ugly way.
But I certainly am starting to mean in a MOST
selfish way. I think I am getting ‘free’.
Only time will tell.
I will read and re-read your post spoon; thanks; okay?
Dupey
spoon
Dupey
No problem. Take all the time you need. Some of this stuff can take time before we have that ahhhhhhhh moment. Some we catch quick.
But like I’ve said you’ve come a long ways in the last few months.
Betrayal of this type of thing is a tough one to deal with. The rose colored glasses are off. Your feeling mean and growling. A good place to be. Coming from where you where at.
When you first started the journey it was like walking up to cliff. There was no bottom. The air was thin. And you couldn’t see the other side. But you knew you had to get to the other side. Now you are seeing the paths that were always there. And the way is getting simpler. The pain will become less and less. And soon you’ll hit that moment when you’ll slap yourself on the forehead say that was a lot easier then I thought – why didn’t I do this a long time ago. Remember you did it when it was your time and it was the right time.
Not a survivor. Overcomer. Beyond surviving.
XXOOXXOO
Always your Friend
T
Back_from_the_edge
spoon: when it is said that they just go away for a little while,
it’s true. they only stop for a while, while it benefits them.
it has been ‘rumored’ that “IT” has been seen in town
and has very much tried to change “IT’s” appearance.
Reportedly, two days in a row. Asking questions, etc.
Betrayal is not the word for this.
SICKNESS is the word for it.
I don’t understand obsessions very well being that I
have always prided myself in kicking habits very well.
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS.
I cannot live with a homicidal maniac stalking me.
Every reason “IT” has, for wanting to harm me is bogus.
All lies.
Beyond surviving; hm?
What is that spot called?
Overcomer? lol
All I know is I am NOT going to spend the rest of
MY LIFE being pushed around by an obsessive psychopath.
Period.
The pain has become an ingrained part of me now.
I have absorbed it just about.
The other side…
It is difficult stepping through that ring of fire
but once the scars heal, oh my goodness….
it’s like being forged in the fire some how.
Thank you for your feedback spoon.
I am not feeling mean and growling…
just resigned now. Rose colored glasses: off.
You find yourself on the other side.
DESPITE the ppath intrusion.
Sooner or later.
I am alright.
MORE than ‘alright’.
MORE ‘alright’ than EVER.
mwahhh! xxoo
Friends, always ~ Dupey
MoonDancer
Dupey
Anybody that mess’es with Her Royal Dupeyness better watch out, she aint takin no mo chit~! She is a ball of fire ~! cyber hugz…
Back_from_the_edge
hens: love you…
Dupester
spoon
Dupey
Sorry the buttwipe has been spotted in the area.
Yes it is a sickness. A hole in them that nothing can fill.
The “it” does it for “its” own reasons. The lies are just “its” MO. Not about you. Your just an object to “it.” Same for the obsession. It is like a child’s mine, mine, mine. That is how the “it” sees you. They are forever stuck in these child like mentalities. Not an excuse or a reason to go that’s sad. Just the way they are.
The pain will go. This may make you mad. It will go when you realize [decide] that you don’t need it any more. Pain can become a friend that we hold on to. Some to punish themselves, some for comfort. Pain can push us forward or hold us back. It’s the meaning that you give it.
You might not be feeling the mean and the growling. But it is starting to show. The fire can also be very cleansing.
GROWLING — MORE ’alright’ than EVER. 😉
You are a Sweetheart
T
Back_from_the_edge
Hi ((spoon))…
Yah, first sighting was through my peep hole.
It’s alright – the doors have locks for a reason.
Every time, in the past, I believed the pity pleas,
I was left standing in a cesspool, much to “IT’s”
IMMENSE delight. There was nobody home.
AWWWWWW….didn’t stay long either.
Is it a sickness, spoon?
A hole in them that nothing can fill…
“IT” used to talk about that ‘hole in the soul’…
“I don’t know what is wrong with me! Why I do
such horrid things to people. I guess cause I CAN.”
I have heard and seen a lot.
I was NOT being thrown into the mix as easily
as it would have liked. Hm? A little bit of trouble
with THIS WHORE. To “IT”, all women are whores.
That is why they allow the things that happen to them.
(According to “IT”).
“IT” told me: “I can’t seem to be happy anywhere.”
Well, perhaps it’s what you are choosing for your life.
Think THAT might be the trouble?
I asked a male, that I know, yesterday, what makes a
stalker stalk. What could possibly motivate stalkers to
just keep persisting? HE said that there was something
about me that has captured his attention. If it was the
sex, the way your voice sounds, the way you interacted
together – something about you has made him obsessed.
Something inside him. It has nothing to do with me, so I
have been told. Not really.
Yes, I am just an ‘object’ to it.
I could not fulfill all his needs, financially
and/or otherwise, so on to the next. Without
a thought. Hm: like a child’s: ‘mine, mine, mine!”
The pain has all but left me now.
I refuse to feel it anymore over “IT”.
I have been through more than enough.
What is left of this life is MINE.
Like I told “IT”: GO GET YOUR OWN LIFE!
THIS LIFE IS MINE, NOT YOURS. STOP
STALKING ME.
I have not spoken a word in 5 months 8 days.
Although the stalking and harassment continued.
But I have made myself VERY and ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE
to reach now and have quite adequately cleaned up all my
tracks and I almost don’t exist anymore. Imagine that.
It better not tarry long in town…
Which I don’t think it did.
There will be a ‘return trip’, however.
I do know it that well. I am not afraid of “IT”
anymore. Just like J-LO did in the movie….
I have bounced back, folks, in just a huge way.
So much for the devastation. The pain, spoon,
it will always be there to haunt me. I don’t need
that pain and I have put it in a mason jar on the
shelf. I take it down, once in awhile, look at it,
shake my head (wonders of the world) and put
it right back up there on the shelf.
It is hard to let go of the pain and the shock
of all this when it is constantly stalking me.
THIS IS MY LIFE NOT IT’S.
Ha: the mean and growling is starting to show; hm?
Is that a good thing or a bad thing? lol
The fire is very cleansing and I have had to do it,
ever so slowly, due to my heart condition. It has
slowed me down, immensely.
hahaha: “ARRRRRR”: yes, more alright that I have
been in the last almost 13 years. Believe it or not.
Wouldn’t “IT” just HATE to hear that? hmmm?
YOU are the Sweetheart, spoon.
You have held me up on many days and I shall
always regard you as a link in my chain of life.
xxoo
spoon
Dupey
My net died this morning and just got back on. Don’t have time for a proper reply. Will do that tomorrow.
Thanks for the kind words it is nice to know.
Always your friend
T