Editor’s Note: The following was posted as a comment by the Lovefraud reader, NewLife43. I thought everyone should see it.
I had a small epiphany today while driving back from the grocery store. What, exactly, did the spath give me that I find so difficult to let go? I have been married twice before and when those marriages were over, I was sad and wished that they hadn’t ended the way that they had. But neither one of them was like this 8 year relationship! I was still the same person, what was so different this time? Why couldn’t I release it and move on with my life?
Neither one of my ex-husbands were like the spath. In fact, NO ONE had ever made me feel like he did. And by that I mean, no one had ever made me as physically sick, scared, confused, bewildered, ashamed, lost, financially devastated”¦well, you get the picture. Most of us on here have been decimated, humiliated and degraded by this sub-human species. What is wrong with us that we cannot LET THEM GO? We shouldn’t just be glad to kiss them good-bye, we should be kicking them goodbye! And instead, many of us would take them back in a heartbeat.
Why? Because they gave us something we so deeply needed, that the world ended the same time that the relationship did. I don’t know what everyone else received from their spath, but I do know what I got from mine. He made me feel loved and accepted in a way I had never been before. He made me feel beautiful on my worst days. He shrugged off my bad moods and laughed me out of them. He ignored any insults I hurled his way and didn’t hold them against me. I could be my most terrible self and he still called me “His Queen”. Since he couldn’t possibly make a mistake in his choice of romantic partner (in his mind, anyway) I was the perfect woman for him. In a way, he did create the world we lived in and so much of it was wonderful, fun, interesting and never, never boring. But. The price I paid was tremendous and I will have to pay it for a while yet. I know that this relationship, this world of his, wasn’t ever real, but you know, it sure felt real. More real than anything I had ever experienced in my life. Those are pretty special feelings and he doesn’t them own, unless I let him.
My spath must have said “I don’t care” at least a thousand times over the course of our time together. And he meant it. What would bother a normal person, he was able to simply shrug off. It was a lesson to me to lighten up my very serious view of the world. Sometimes, things really don’t matter. (Another of his sayings). When I would get upset because something had broken and I would now have to spend the money to replace it, he said, “Things break, they wear out. Why are you getting so upset?” So I would stop and reevaluate what was important. I appreciated that viewpoint and still remember to tell myself that when yet again, something breaks.
I loved his sense of fun, it was so child-like. And although his version of fun would wear thin sometimes when it was inappropriate conduct, I tolerated it because I was thrilled by it. He really lived like somebody left the gate open! I couldn’t have been less like him if I had tried and his way of approaching life helped swing me more to the middle of the road than constantly riding the bumpy shoulder. How sad, for him, for us, that he had no idea when to stop pushing the envelope. Not realizing that what he was doing was hurting so many people. And it caused so much legal trouble in his life. How I wish that he could have kept that sense of joie de vivre without spinning out of control. Sigh! And one day, he didn’t care and I didn’t matter. My heart was broken.
I loved him very much. I still do. But the point is, I have the capacity to love someone and he doesn’t. He never will. Good for me! That means even if I don’t quite know how yet, I will be able to move on. It’s so very, very hard.
So what did he give me? He gave me complete acceptance and what I believed was love, in a way no one had before. And I had an opportunity to explode with genuine love for another person. He made me feel beautiful, no matter what and I am grateful for that.
And even if it was all an illusion, who here wouldn’t go back just for a day when we were first being love-bombed by our spath? Unfortunately, we can’t go back. The good news is, we can find a way to give deep love and acceptance to ourselves! This IS good news!
The spath uncovered our deepest needs and showed us how we can feel about ourselves, through their eyes. Who says we can’t feel that way again? Now this is my goal which I will reach for every single day for the rest of my life. And I have him to thank for that. I didn’t know before I met him that I could be wholly acceptable in someone’s eyes. Only now it’s my eyes. I can love-bomb myself.
If you are old enough, you may remember the poem, “Desiderata”. The best line was: “For all its pain, drudgery and broken dreams, it’s still a beautiful world. Strive to be happy”. Because if I give happiness to myself, then no one can ever take it away from me again. And it can’t be that hard to help myself feel that way again. If the spath can do it, then ANYONE can! What I finally understood is that it’s not him I miss or want back (he comes packaged with too much pain), it’s those amazing feelings. You know they’re already in you. He (or she) doesn’t have a copyright on them. Go get them, everyone!
spoon: that sux about your net.
You have been an AMAZING friend, spoon.
I have had lots to hang onto because of you.
Don’t ever forget that.
A friend is a real friend whom has no agenda.
I am grateful.
Dupey
xxoo
I am so glad I saw this posting. It helps to define what I felt and what is wrong with my desires for something that really was not true! It helps because now I can LOVE myself, not the way he did, but with wisdom….. the spaths are men in sheeps clothing!
Thank you so very much!
Dupey
Thanks again. It’s nice to know that I have help.
The net down just part of life. Things break. Things don’t work.
Is it a sickness, spoon?
A hole in them that nothing can fill”
Yes a sickness of the soul.
“Why I do such horrid things to people.I guess cause I CAN.”
Empty…and amazed that they don’t feel anything.
We feel then act. The feeling is within us.
It is a state within us that generates the emotion(s).
A loop. A program that feeds on it’s self.
A spath is empty and must act to create a feeling.
We can do this too. Act happy and soon you’ll start feeling happy. And if we do it long enough we will in a sense jump start our happy state. A loop that takes over and we no longer have to act as “if.” – WE ARE.
This is the only way a spath can feel. They don’t have the “XXX” state within to jump start. The problem is that without the feeling coming from within the acting as if gets old.. less effective so one must increase the action more..more..more.. like a drug addict. The more they use the less of an effect. The greater the next dose must be.
More sex..kinky sex..kinkier sex….
In other words they are always trying to be and NEVER ARE.
Yes, I am just an ’object’ to it…
And he is just an object too.
The pain..Remember when you were a kid and you cut or bruise yourself and kept poking at it? “Leave it alone or it will never heal.” The sensation was strange. It hurt and sort of felt good at the same time. When you lost a tooth and spent most of the time sticking your tongue in that empty space? This pain is similar in that when you have no more need to pull it down and look at it. It will began to fade fast and faster. When you have no need of it. Then you’ll let it go. The key is in that desire to take it down and wonder.
Like a moth to a flame. What are you getting out of it?
Yes the growl is a good thing. No longer helpless. A new way to see the situation. That is change. We do not fix the problem. By doing this we only waste time trying to compensate for it. It keeps us in the same problem. Like trying to please the spath thinking that it would fix the situation. Change comes when we replace how we where seeing it with something new.
HATE to hear that?… Yes
Not because your doing better or worse.
It has to do with…your not there working to maintain his illusion.
He can’t do it on his own……He needs help to generate feelings…
The spath has locked themselves into an empty void.
He is the weak one…. the one that will never know love.
XXOO 🙂
T
Hey spoon: Nice to read you.
Hope everything is going well for you today.
Thank you for your post.
It was like getting a validating HUG this morning.
A ‘sickness of the soul’….
It’s very sad; isn’t it?
I mean, this person in my life, went from being such
a wonderful person to someone I don’t even recognize
anymore. I haven’t ‘known’ this person for a few years
now. This person turned into something so hideous.
I don’t understand it.
It’s like a pattern of them feeding themselves.
They don’t care about anything else but themselves.
I hated to see my one time, long time, ‘friend’, turn
so ‘rabid’, almost.
I don’t care, anymore, if I ever figure it out or not.
I just want it away from me now, forever.
The nightmare is just way too ugly for me.
Yes, they have no conscious nor empathy at all for others.
It’s very hard to perceive that there are truly people in this
world who will snuff out others JUST BECAUSE THEY CAN and
find it quite humorous and empowering. Very sad.
They ARE empty people.
Yes, they don’t have that ‘xxx’ within them to do otherwise.
Their sickness becomes a habit and an addiction, yes, BUT:
STRONG PEOPLE RISE ABOVE THEIR ADDICTIONS. Only
LOST people stay IN an addiction. I absolutely believe a
person can change anything about themselves, if they
only WANT TO. It’s that inspiration of WANTING TO
that will cause roadblocks to fall.
The pain: the pain never goes away.
I am learning how to process it differently.
Processing it differently doesn’t make it all
just go away, but it alleviates some of the
confusion and ruminations and depression.
I will never figure it all out.
WHY “I” was targeted.
WHY “I” was stalked for so many years…
WHY “I” was verbally abused and threatened
and WHY attempts were made on my life.
If “I” did something to deserve it all,
I could say: “You know what? I screwed up…”
BUT: I didn’t. It was “IT” screwing up.
Yes, it’s beginning to fade, faster and faster now.
It will be six months soon, since I entertained any
form of intrusion. I have completely severed all
ties and have no intention of ever re-opening them.
The growl is a good thing; hm?
I bet you half the people who must deal with me,
these days, don’t think it’s such a good thing. lol
I seem to not take too much ‘crap’ from anyone,
anymore.
I am doing much better on my journey.
The first step was getting rid of the demon.
ABSOLUTELY: I am not there anymore to help him
maintain his ‘illusion’. Exactly. It just changes all
the ‘dynamics’ of everything involved in this roadshow.
No, he can’t maintain on his own.
No how, no way. He hides up women’s skirts who
will pity him and feel sorry for him until the mask
slips off. It always slips off, sooner or later.
I am not helpless and never have been.
That is what is so AMAZING about this dupe experience…
Smoothed right into it. Amazing the degree of charm.
That empty space…yes, there was a huge empty space
left when I slammed the door. It’s alright. It took me a
long while to get my ‘boundaries’ and find my balance…
It took me a long while to grow that inner strength.
That STAMINA of the SOUL. There was never any
‘pleasing’ the ppath. NOTHING ever ‘pleased’ “IT”.
He IS the ‘weak’ one.
He IS the one who will never really know what love is.
They don’t comprehend that word and are proud of their
evilness and wicked ways.
Thanks “T” xxoo
There has been no further intrusions but this day is still young.
I am not afraid anymore. Yea, though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil…
Dupey
Dupey
Hi Sweetheart, Everything is great.
Glad to hear no more buttwipe sightings.
I am not helpless and never have been.
That is what is so AMAZING about this dupe experience”
Smoothed right into it. Amazing the degree of charm.
We all have weaknesses, desires, lack of proper boundaries etc. It’s not seeing that we have a choice.
The growl is a good thing; hm?
I bet you half the people who must deal with me,
these days, don’t think it’s such a good thing. lol
They’ll get over it.
WHY “I” was targeted.
You caught his eye and responded correctly. That is all. Was it that you looked him in the eye and sparkled or just the swing of your butt? Who knows. Everybody is a potential target. Think of it like a game. Each time they do something if they get a correct response they preceded to the next level. Until your hooked. It’s a sick game. In the end they want compliance. If they don’t get compliance then they dominate.
WHY “I” was stalked for so many years”
That’s what they do. In his mind he owns you. He’s addicted to you. And will continue unless he can find another supply depot.
WHY “I” was verbally abused and threatened
The spath is 2 different people the real one and the created one. The real one is a small child that is weak, scared, beaten down, unlovable etc. The other was created to compensate for the small beaten down child. This one is a cardboard cut out. An illusion of his own making. Doesn’t have access to all the emotions. They are the child’s. His whole purpose is two fold, maintain the illusion and to suppress the child. He hates the child. But the beliefs that are in him will effect him, no mater how hard he suppresses. What he does to compensate for the feeling of the child’s is to either dump them on someone else or to project these feelings on to another. Same thing that others that have been with a spath tend to do. Nerves are farad, stressed out and walking around with a hair trigger, on all time defense alert.. All that negative crap boiling up inside them. It has to go somewhere. With the spath bouncing off of walls. Do what they say and still get yelled at etc. This is how we tend to act when we are in a no win situation too long. It’s normal. This negative hate filled emotions is about the only thing that the spath can generate on his own. Comes from the child. The partner is need to have someone that he can dump it all on. So the “it” can move about society and seen as a great guy.
and WHY attempts were made on my life.
Think of all the times that he has threatened, slapped, hit etc and you responded by changing to what he wanted. Just the next logical step. So in his mind why wouldn’t you just capitulate after an attempt? Add in the compliance or dominate – management by fear & punishment. With the fact that in his mind he owns you. So anything he does to you is ok. Cause in his warped mind the illusion can never do wrong it is always someone else fault. You made him do it.
They also learn what works and what doesn’t. So sometimes it’s just an act to get a response. A sick game.
In the end they want what they want when and how they want it. And it’s someone else job to supply it. At least in “its” perfect make believe world.
Yea, though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil”
Cause who has my back makes evil crap their pants and hide….
Enjoy the day.
XXOO
T
SPPPPPPOOOON: THANK YOU for all the time it took for you
to put that post into words. mwahhh! xxoo
Yah: no more buttwipe sightings.
That’s a good thing. It has been quiet.
The ‘little boy’ is hiding….
awwww….
HOW WONDERFUL TO HAVE IT AWAY FROM ME!!!
Spoon: I agree with every word you said except for one.
I have never cowered from him. NEVER.
He has attempted to seriously harm me although has
never hit me except for a couple ‘ear pings’. Ever get
one of those?
It was THOSE reactions of his that has forced me to keep
him far far far away from me. He just can’t help himself.
He truly feels women are all whores and as long as you
sleep with them well, they will give you whatever you want.
I have NEVER cowered from “IT”.
Just the opposite now: “IT” is cowering from ME.
Imagine that. Not that I have become like “IT”,
but that I have taken a concrete stand. “IT” does
know I mean every word. As I say, “IT” has been
escorted out of town at least once I know of. There
has probably been more. HE is the kind of person who
likes calling the police before showing up. (Seriously).
I think some times, he has been escorted out of town
without my even knowing about it. A police officer sits
in front of my apartment every morning and every night.
Not just specifically for ME, but keeping track of traffic, etc.
I absolutely feel safe where I am. Absolutely.
“IT” has learned, FINALLY, I think to stay away from me.
IN HIS MIND HE OWNS ME: in MY MIND, it has never been so.
I rebuked his advances right from the beginning. It was tough
fighting it off: the dream, that someone like that could actually
care about someone like me, in the first place.
It was a fairy tale dream that was woven by “IT”.
THEN: when I wasn’t attainable, even after all the
‘brainwashing’ and ‘manipulation’ – THEN it was time
to pull out the ‘big guns’….threats and attempts.
I do now recognize what little pussy’s they really are.
I do. I see it. It has taken me two years to figure it
out. They make the big noises to gain empowerment.
Just like we do. When you put your hand up to them
and then tell them you are NOT impressed…THEN it
gets ugly.
Well, it is MY DECISION to just not deal with it all anymore.
He is NOT my ‘ward’; not my husband; not my son; not
a single thing to me….not one. I “owe” “IT” NOTHING,
contrary to what “IT” owes me. I don’t even care about
what “IT” owes me – spiritually, financially, or otherwise..
I JUST WANT IT GONE FOREVER.
AND: I am NOT afraid of “IT”.
“IT” can be ‘contained/detained’ very easily now.
Although I am not afraid of “IT”, that doesn’t mean “IT”
won’t try it. And that is how I live, daily; almost moment
to moment.
Yah:
Yea, though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death, I shall fear NO evil…
Cause there is someone REALLY HUGE who has
my back and makes evil run and hide before they
crap their pants…he’ll never make it out of town.
I have told him so before and he didn’t believe me…
NOW he knows I mean it.
YOU enjoy your day.
Sorry, I just now found your post.
You are remarkable , the way you talk to my soul.
Thanks, spoon. xxoo
Dupester
Dupalicious….Spoon’s got it squared away, and I think speaks to many souls.
Hugs and brightest blessings!
HAHA: “Dupalicious”; that’s right –
that’s me: “A DUPERS DELIGHT”..
That’s alright.
At least “I” was the kind one.
He can just go rot somewhere with whatever he has
for a conscious or, wishfully thinking –
whatever part of him is human enough to have
even a SPARK of a conscious.
HIS LIFE is the empty one.
I tell myself that every time I find myself being sad.
At least “I” know what it is like to ‘love’ and ‘be loved’.
I have had that kind of love in my life before. That kind
that lasts and lasts and lasts, through all eternity. It never
tarnishes or taints. I know what it is like to have tasted that
once in my life. It fulfills me. I have tasted ‘love’ at it’s very
finest and it fulfills me now.
THAT is my strength and my salvation.
“IT” may succeed in harming me, eventually,
but you know what? In the meantime, I am not
wasting anymore time being a stalked prey of some
kind. I just am not. I fully intend to go forward with
my life without “IT” hounding me and trying to make
me kill myself. I have “IT’s” “game” all figured out now.
Spoon does really have it ‘squared away’; hm?
It has taken me a couple years to figure this all out.
But I certainly DO have a handle on it all, NOW.
In just a huge way.
It is quiet.
FINALLY.
I am finding my life again.
I am finding MYSELF again….
Happy wishes and love and hugs Truthspeak…
Dupey
Dupey
Hey sweetheart. Hope you had a good weekend.
My pleasure.
Don’t know what you read but didn’t say you or anyone cowered but we all capitulated. Gave in to this demand or that demand. That was what I was trying to say. Part of the progression of the “it.”
Yeah they are in reality just cowards, boys, little men, small minds – smaller hearts. They are just tough behind close doors. Or when they can blindside someone.
“I absolutely feel safe where I am. Absolutely.”
Good to hear. Keep it that way. 🙂
We all have a tendency to treat others as they come across. Someone that acts mousy. We tend to see them that way. Someone that acts like they are in authority we tend to see them that way. It’s how we normally generalize those around us. It becomes part of our mind map. The problem is the mousy person might not really be all that mousy and the one acting as if they are in charge may crumble when they are challenged. A simplification that can lead to our misunderstanding of what, really is.
“it” owes – but will never pay. File it in file thirteen. And write it off. Can’t collect from these dead beats. Most of the time not worth the effort to try. Think of it as the price of peace.
And I hope he stays away for GOOD.
XXOO
Truthspeak
Thanks for the kind words.
T
spoon:
OMG…about the most true words ever spoken…The problem is the mousy person might not really be all that mousy and the one acting as if they are in charge may crumble when they are challenged.
THANK YOU! 🙂