Editor’s Note: The following was posted as a comment by the Lovefraud reader, NewLife43. I thought everyone should see it.
I had a small epiphany today while driving back from the grocery store. What, exactly, did the spath give me that I find so difficult to let go? I have been married twice before and when those marriages were over, I was sad and wished that they hadn’t ended the way that they had. But neither one of them was like this 8 year relationship! I was still the same person, what was so different this time? Why couldn’t I release it and move on with my life?
Neither one of my ex-husbands were like the spath. In fact, NO ONE had ever made me feel like he did. And by that I mean, no one had ever made me as physically sick, scared, confused, bewildered, ashamed, lost, financially devastated”¦well, you get the picture. Most of us on here have been decimated, humiliated and degraded by this sub-human species. What is wrong with us that we cannot LET THEM GO? We shouldn’t just be glad to kiss them good-bye, we should be kicking them goodbye! And instead, many of us would take them back in a heartbeat.
Why? Because they gave us something we so deeply needed, that the world ended the same time that the relationship did. I don’t know what everyone else received from their spath, but I do know what I got from mine. He made me feel loved and accepted in a way I had never been before. He made me feel beautiful on my worst days. He shrugged off my bad moods and laughed me out of them. He ignored any insults I hurled his way and didn’t hold them against me. I could be my most terrible self and he still called me “His Queen”. Since he couldn’t possibly make a mistake in his choice of romantic partner (in his mind, anyway) I was the perfect woman for him. In a way, he did create the world we lived in and so much of it was wonderful, fun, interesting and never, never boring. But. The price I paid was tremendous and I will have to pay it for a while yet. I know that this relationship, this world of his, wasn’t ever real, but you know, it sure felt real. More real than anything I had ever experienced in my life. Those are pretty special feelings and he doesn’t them own, unless I let him.
My spath must have said “I don’t care” at least a thousand times over the course of our time together. And he meant it. What would bother a normal person, he was able to simply shrug off. It was a lesson to me to lighten up my very serious view of the world. Sometimes, things really don’t matter. (Another of his sayings). When I would get upset because something had broken and I would now have to spend the money to replace it, he said, “Things break, they wear out. Why are you getting so upset?” So I would stop and reevaluate what was important. I appreciated that viewpoint and still remember to tell myself that when yet again, something breaks.
I loved his sense of fun, it was so child-like. And although his version of fun would wear thin sometimes when it was inappropriate conduct, I tolerated it because I was thrilled by it. He really lived like somebody left the gate open! I couldn’t have been less like him if I had tried and his way of approaching life helped swing me more to the middle of the road than constantly riding the bumpy shoulder. How sad, for him, for us, that he had no idea when to stop pushing the envelope. Not realizing that what he was doing was hurting so many people. And it caused so much legal trouble in his life. How I wish that he could have kept that sense of joie de vivre without spinning out of control. Sigh! And one day, he didn’t care and I didn’t matter. My heart was broken.
I loved him very much. I still do. But the point is, I have the capacity to love someone and he doesn’t. He never will. Good for me! That means even if I don’t quite know how yet, I will be able to move on. It’s so very, very hard.
So what did he give me? He gave me complete acceptance and what I believed was love, in a way no one had before. And I had an opportunity to explode with genuine love for another person. He made me feel beautiful, no matter what and I am grateful for that.
And even if it was all an illusion, who here wouldn’t go back just for a day when we were first being love-bombed by our spath? Unfortunately, we can’t go back. The good news is, we can find a way to give deep love and acceptance to ourselves! This IS good news!
The spath uncovered our deepest needs and showed us how we can feel about ourselves, through their eyes. Who says we can’t feel that way again? Now this is my goal which I will reach for every single day for the rest of my life. And I have him to thank for that. I didn’t know before I met him that I could be wholly acceptable in someone’s eyes. Only now it’s my eyes. I can love-bomb myself.
If you are old enough, you may remember the poem, “Desiderata”. The best line was: “For all its pain, drudgery and broken dreams, it’s still a beautiful world. Strive to be happy”. Because if I give happiness to myself, then no one can ever take it away from me again. And it can’t be that hard to help myself feel that way again. If the spath can do it, then ANYONE can! What I finally understood is that it’s not him I miss or want back (he comes packaged with too much pain), it’s those amazing feelings. You know they’re already in you. He (or she) doesn’t have a copyright on them. Go get them, everyone!
The trade off; murdered soul for love-bombing. It was magic to see my dreams, coming from such a beautiful physical being. My knight had arrived. But then. He wouldnt let me die, he wanted me to always be in the state of dying. I walked daily in death. When I was discarded, the desire to die now was because I didnt know how I was going to live without him. However, I emerged by a fight for my life and a miracle. With more self awareness, knowledge and a new found strength. I found something that I didnt know of before, a boundary and me. I know I can work on self-love, self-respect but never to the degree of intensity that came with the “P”. That was so unhealthy…I was in “lala land”, a place that does not exist. I am grateful for the love that came out of this, which is from me to me and to make choices that follow truth. Now I am working on purging the shame. Wish me luck!
im new to commenting but i have been stopping by on and off to find guidance and help and hope on lovefraud……i just wanted to say i thought this was a wonderful post,so well written and heartfelt………..and to thank the writer and say i understand alot of what you talk about……….why is it so hard to let go…? well i know why….and i found all the answers here on lovefraud because i found help and its hard to admit it………hard to face the truth……………i want to let go,i really do…….its been 2 years since my breakup……….and i struggle every day………have changed my phone number 4 times this year and i hope this will be the last…that i learn from my mistakes and have the courage to move on…………someone once told me………its like driving a car,if you keep looking in the rear view mirror your going to crash……so you have to keep driving and moving forward,and stop looking behind………..sometimes i see this friend and they say how is your car going and if im having a bad day ill simply say the car is off the road today or if i have hit a real low ill say i had a crash……but i try pick myself back up and keep driving….
really what i wanted to say was thank you to the writter of this post for your inspiring words.
i cant say i have suffered like you,my situation is rather different but i understand and give thanks for your wisdom.
I was wondering the same things. I have been on the emotional roller coaster since I filed for divorce – not much different than when we were married. I believe that I cry because I miss the life that he promised myself and my children – but in turn all it was was taking every penny that was made and bleeding me dry emotionally and financially – I want to believe that I do not miss HIM – I miss the facade he was when we first got together, and I miss the life we were promised — as we all know they were both lies. Now if only there is a way to get me to remember that every moment of every day. Now I have to get him to stop playing around with the divorce papers so I am not stuck as “separated” for two more years.
Dear Movingon,
You have my utmost sympathy…..it is cruel but so typical of a spath to play with his prey.
What you talk about, in particular the cognitive dissonance, is very difficult to deal with. On your own. If it’s very bad then maybe you could try counselling with someone who “gets” how these things operate. Cat and mouse my dear. It will get better. And yes, the man you thought loved you was a liar. But the feelings you had were real. That takes some getting over but you can and you will do it.
Kindest regards to you and all people here who are trying to unravel themselves from a spath. Keep on keeping on …..never, never, never give up. A life lived well is the best revenge as has been said many times here.
Sending you a big hug
Ps……Movingon and Liftingthe veil,
read the post from Alivetoday further up the thread. Amazing.
Thank you, everyone, for all your comments. I appreciate the feedback, because I am not even close to being myself again. But I am working on it!
@spoon, I am very interested in the technique of running the memories backwards and stripping the emotions off them. I hope that you might elaborate in an longer post and what success you’ve had with that technique.
The technique I am using that has really sped up the recuperation process for me is EFT and TAT. In fact, while I read each post and the comments afterwards, I am tapping and/or using the TAT technique. Instructions for both are available on the internet: free to use, free to download and can be learned in as little as three minutes. (Gosh, I sound like a commercial). There are times when tears are rolling down my face while I am reading, but me, personally, I am not crying! I read about this on another LoveFraud blog post and yet again, it’s interesting how much alike we are in our recovery. For those of you suffering from PTSD, I was introduced to EFT before I even met the spath due to the fact that I had suffered from EFT for 18 years. Within two weeks, it was gone! I highly recommend it as a way to quickly and very gently get better without retraumatizing yourselves.
Everyone is at a different place in their recovery. I put my spath in jail, but he is not going to stay there forever. One day he will be out and then I have to deal with it. I am using EFT/TAT on that also. But I am fighting back and returning to who I used to be. One false move on his part and I am using the restraining order I got against him in a New York minute!
I watched the movie “Gaslight” on YouTube the other day. I can tell you that when Ingrid Bergman said those lines to her husband “Whatever you had done, I would have pitied and protected you. But now I watch you go with glory in my heart!”, that was the way I felt when I watched him being taken out in handcuffs. He looked back at me when he was being led away with a “deer in the headlights look”, like I can’t believe you did this to me! But I didn’t. The justice system and he himself did it to him.
For me, I never underestimate ANYONE! So I am not going to become complacent and think that this is all over now and I can go on my merry way. But just like with the lottery, I have to expect to win. I have remained NC for 3 months, (except for seeing him in court and we didn’t speak) and plan on staying that way. So any contact will come from him and he will be violating the restraining order. I won’t tolerate it. I have to get mentally and emotionally better because the alternative would hurt my kids too much. Plus, I am a very impatient person…hence, EFT!
Again, thank you, Donna for posting my article and thank you fellow suvivors for all your comments on my post. I have learned so much from reading this blog and I think it has truly saved my life. I actually read it and tapped for 7 hours one day…I was exhausted, but very enlightened!
Warmest regards,
New Life
PS I meant I suffered from PTSD for 18 years not EFT! Oops!
dear Skylar, Oxy,
need urgent advice from you.
I am in Romania now for a conference. I knew B would be there as he and I
were on the same roud table for a discussion today.
None of us have communicated since early last year.
On the first day in the tea break, he came and found me – he spotted me and came
from behind me and tugged on my arm and said – “can I have a hug”, I
gave him a brief hug.
we spoke general stuff, I never asked him a word about his life. he said he is
divorced.
last night we were at the Congress reception.
co-incidentally he and I are in the same hotel. he walked with me to the
Congress dinner and back and we sat with others for the meal. nice sweet light
hearted talk.
He said “it is nice to see you, you are the same – petite and cute, you
look lovely, all the men are looking at you etc etc,
in between he kept looking at his phone as was sending some messages.
I never asekd him if he has a woman or not.He never said a word.
Besides this he has not asked me to go sightseeing with him or any other
suggestions of spending time together.
I wonder maybe he has brought a woman with him, I am so anxious that I will see
her with him in the hotel, in the breakfast area etc,
why would he be alone, surely there is a woman, but then why not bring the woman
to the Congress dinner, all men brought their women.
I am having such mixed feelings, on one hand I want to go sight seeing with him
and want him to give me all the sweet talk, on the other hand “I say to
myself, he is a cheat, why am I missing a cheat”
he did not come on to me, was not suggestive in any way at all. Maybe he has
lost all interest in me, I don’t know. and at the same itme, I want him to show
interest in me.
Last night – one doctor told B – B you are so lucky, this girl is the
“Pearl” of the meeting (me) and she is with you. He smiled. there were photos being
clicked and he said – please send me your photo.
I said you have an Iphone, you can click one, he said the quality is not good.
Maybe if he took my photo on the iphone the girl who is hiding in the hotel room would see it.
How come the girl in the room with him, did not ask to go with him to the gala
dinner.
why did he not want to “showcase her” and instead opted to go with me.
I like him, I hate him. I finished one presentation today and one tomorrow. My mind is going stray.
please advice.
thanks so much
Petite
Petite, I am so sorry that you’ve been thrown into this situation. I’m preparing to enter a similar situation that involves former “friends” of the exspath, without a choice.
What I plan to do is to keep myself TO myself. No discussion of anything personal, and no attempts to defend myself or explain my situation unless (and, maybe not even then) someone asks me something, specific, or makes a sweeping accusation. Even then, my issues are none of their business.
When B asked for a hug, you had the right to say, “No, let’s just keep this on a professional level.” If B brought someone with him, or if he’s paying to have an escort stay with him, it’s not important. He is not worth a fart in a windstorm, Petite – he simply isn’t. He’s trying to play the Spath Game, again, and you have the power to shut the door on him. Shut him down and REMEMBER what he truly is – remember the emotional carnages that he created! He is not a “man,” Petite. He is A Thing In A Human Vessel bent upon using, abusing, and discarding.
How did you find out that one doctor told B that he was “lucky” that the “pearl” of the meeting was with him? Did he tell you that, himself, or did someone else tell you that? If HE told you that, he’s looking to rekindle whatever he can for whatever purposes that he can. His attempts to romance you – LOVEBOMB – are to prove to himself (not you) that he “still has it” and that he can simply cast his gaze in your direction and you’ll follow him like a whipped dog.
Remember what he is, Petite. Remember what he’s done. And, remember that you are far, far more valuable than simply being an OBJECT for spath torture. Take back that control and power and hold it fast to yourself. You are priceless, valuable, and so very important, and he does not – does not and never will – deserve you.
Brightest blessings to you, my dear
Petite, this man hurt you, and you still have feelings for him, but he is not a good person for you to around it sounds like. Is this guy a spath? Sorry, I’m not Oxy or Skylar, but I’m here reading this morning, so for what it’s worth.
This advice is not exclusively for dealing with spaths – it is for setting a boundary with ANY man who has hurt you – perhaps someone you’ve had an affair with but developed feelings for that were not completely reciprocated. And now you have to work with him. First of all, you do not need to hug the guy. Second, you do not even need to be friendly or make small talk. I actually read this advice from another source who talks about how to be strong and empowered with men. Here is what you say when he approaches you: In your most professional voice (hiding any strong emotions) “I am not interested in having a personal relationship with you. I need to keep our conversations on a business level only.” Then walk away. Don’t let him see any emotions. As long as you remain open emotionally to this man, you will let him jack around your feelings. Protect your heart, petite. It sounds like you obviously have feelings for this guy, and also you are vulnerable to his flattery. Don’t be. You are attractive, and men will take notice of you. He probably is noticing you and probably would like to sleep with you, whether he’s with someone or not. So what? You deserve better than that. He has cheated on you (this is all I know for sure) and it never got resolved. I don’t hear about him doing much to resolve it. So please get angry about this and use your anger to set some clear boundaries with this guy. From PERSONAL experience wasting YEARS of my life with players, it’s not worth it. Your life is too valuable. YOU are too valuable. There ARE loyal men out there who would probably swim an ocean to have a woman like you. Respect yourself, and they will come to you.