Editor’s Note: The following was posted as a comment by the Lovefraud reader, NewLife43. I thought everyone should see it.
I had a small epiphany today while driving back from the grocery store. What, exactly, did the spath give me that I find so difficult to let go? I have been married twice before and when those marriages were over, I was sad and wished that they hadn’t ended the way that they had. But neither one of them was like this 8 year relationship! I was still the same person, what was so different this time? Why couldn’t I release it and move on with my life?
Neither one of my ex-husbands were like the spath. In fact, NO ONE had ever made me feel like he did. And by that I mean, no one had ever made me as physically sick, scared, confused, bewildered, ashamed, lost, financially devastated”¦well, you get the picture. Most of us on here have been decimated, humiliated and degraded by this sub-human species. What is wrong with us that we cannot LET THEM GO? We shouldn’t just be glad to kiss them good-bye, we should be kicking them goodbye! And instead, many of us would take them back in a heartbeat.
Why? Because they gave us something we so deeply needed, that the world ended the same time that the relationship did. I don’t know what everyone else received from their spath, but I do know what I got from mine. He made me feel loved and accepted in a way I had never been before. He made me feel beautiful on my worst days. He shrugged off my bad moods and laughed me out of them. He ignored any insults I hurled his way and didn’t hold them against me. I could be my most terrible self and he still called me “His Queen”. Since he couldn’t possibly make a mistake in his choice of romantic partner (in his mind, anyway) I was the perfect woman for him. In a way, he did create the world we lived in and so much of it was wonderful, fun, interesting and never, never boring. But. The price I paid was tremendous and I will have to pay it for a while yet. I know that this relationship, this world of his, wasn’t ever real, but you know, it sure felt real. More real than anything I had ever experienced in my life. Those are pretty special feelings and he doesn’t them own, unless I let him.
My spath must have said “I don’t care” at least a thousand times over the course of our time together. And he meant it. What would bother a normal person, he was able to simply shrug off. It was a lesson to me to lighten up my very serious view of the world. Sometimes, things really don’t matter. (Another of his sayings). When I would get upset because something had broken and I would now have to spend the money to replace it, he said, “Things break, they wear out. Why are you getting so upset?” So I would stop and reevaluate what was important. I appreciated that viewpoint and still remember to tell myself that when yet again, something breaks.
I loved his sense of fun, it was so child-like. And although his version of fun would wear thin sometimes when it was inappropriate conduct, I tolerated it because I was thrilled by it. He really lived like somebody left the gate open! I couldn’t have been less like him if I had tried and his way of approaching life helped swing me more to the middle of the road than constantly riding the bumpy shoulder. How sad, for him, for us, that he had no idea when to stop pushing the envelope. Not realizing that what he was doing was hurting so many people. And it caused so much legal trouble in his life. How I wish that he could have kept that sense of joie de vivre without spinning out of control. Sigh! And one day, he didn’t care and I didn’t matter. My heart was broken.
I loved him very much. I still do. But the point is, I have the capacity to love someone and he doesn’t. He never will. Good for me! That means even if I don’t quite know how yet, I will be able to move on. It’s so very, very hard.
So what did he give me? He gave me complete acceptance and what I believed was love, in a way no one had before. And I had an opportunity to explode with genuine love for another person. He made me feel beautiful, no matter what and I am grateful for that.
And even if it was all an illusion, who here wouldn’t go back just for a day when we were first being love-bombed by our spath? Unfortunately, we can’t go back. The good news is, we can find a way to give deep love and acceptance to ourselves! This IS good news!
The spath uncovered our deepest needs and showed us how we can feel about ourselves, through their eyes. Who says we can’t feel that way again? Now this is my goal which I will reach for every single day for the rest of my life. And I have him to thank for that. I didn’t know before I met him that I could be wholly acceptable in someone’s eyes. Only now it’s my eyes. I can love-bomb myself.
If you are old enough, you may remember the poem, “Desiderata”. The best line was: “For all its pain, drudgery and broken dreams, it’s still a beautiful world. Strive to be happy”. Because if I give happiness to myself, then no one can ever take it away from me again. And it can’t be that hard to help myself feel that way again. If the spath can do it, then ANYONE can! What I finally understood is that it’s not him I miss or want back (he comes packaged with too much pain), it’s those amazing feelings. You know they’re already in you. He (or she) doesn’t have a copyright on them. Go get them, everyone!
After learning about all of my ex husband’s lies and deceit, I have nothing but contempt for his actions.
The thought that anyone would ever wanting to “re-live” the love bombing stage of the relationship is outrageous.
How can you want to be with someone that used “love” to lie and manipulate your emotions? Is this the love that you wanted in your life? Wanted to show your children?
Knowing what this truly was negates ANY thought of going back. I hope he and all of the rest of the world’s psychopaths burn in hell some day.
Petite, your shout-out for suggestions has brought me to a point that I need to ask for suggestions, as well. I’m not intending to minimize your situation, by any means – hopefuly, your situation is completely temporaray and you’ll have the option to get the hell out of there and never look back at B, again.
My situation is similar only in the sense that I’m going back into an enviroment where the exspath was (and, still is) viewed as a “nice guy.” I’ve heard some of the rumors that he’s been spreading, and I was fearful of having to relocate to this area as the rumors could very well have a direct impact upon my integrity.
So, tonight, I’m going to a place where someone who knows the female ex-con is employed. I may be working at this place and I am very concerned about the stories that have already circulated. Seriously, I am experiencing a heightened sense of anxiety about this because I desperately need a job and this is a very sparsely popluated area – everyone knows everyone else, as well as everyone else’s personal business. Worse, the female ex-con works in the hospitality industry (LOL!!!) and has actually spewed forth misinformation and outright lies about my personal issues with the exspath to her customers, unbidden and as if such topics were appropriate for casual conversation.
I do not want to discuss the specifics of my divorce from the exspath – I don’t. I simply don’t. And, under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t feel defensive, already. But, since the demographics of this area are the way that they are, I would LOVE to read some suggestions on how to best deflect curiosity, defensive-mode, and the rest of the bullshirt that goes along with this kind of situation. The smear campaign has been tremendous, and I had spoken with my attorney about this, long ago – in the event that I had to move back up here to do business. No answers, there – just that I could sue the female ex-con, but she doesn’t have anything to speak of (no property, assets, etc.). And, I don’t WANT to pursue legal action against anyone unless it’s of a criminal nature.
So……Petite, I hope that my shout-out affect more suggestions for your personal situation.
Brightest blessings
Hope52, sadly, most victims of romantic spaths experience cognitive dissonance over, and over, and over – someone that the victim could care about would NEVER deliberately harm another person for their own entertainment.
The self-validation comes only after a long period of recovery, healing, and growth. The false validation of lovebombing is still effective where the target hasn’t yet healed well enough to see the skunk for its stripes.
To clarify this, had I not been involved on this site for a couple of years prior to discovering what the exspath really was, I would not likely have been able to shut the whole thing down, instantly. Even with the physical evidence sitting directly in front of me, I still entertained the fantasy that the marriage could be saved for a few weeks.
If we were capable of recognizing spath lovebombing for what it is, this site wouldn’t even exist and we’d all be in quite different situations.
Brightest blessings
dear stargazer and truthspeak,
thank you for your timely advice.
I am at an overseas confernce which will end in a few days and then B and I return to our own countries which are in two different continents.
I am a doctor and so is B and we are at a medical conference.
I was right there when the doctor told him that I was a “Pearl and that B was lucky”
It was said right in front of me by a nice gentleman.
he was being nice to me and then stopped, He did not hit on me and was not suggestive, so what is he trying to do. maybe he thinks I will squirm and beg him to ask me out. then he has a FAT HOPE. thnaks a lot.
thanks
petite
newlife43 Hi,
A problem with disassociating the trauma and not coming back to deal with it is that even though we are not feeling the emotions in a disassociated state. The emotions still effect us. And will continue to effect us until they are dealt with. Like a sore that never heals. And the only way to heal this type of sore is to deal with the emotions. And the quickest way I know of is to strip them from the memory.
To remove the emotions from a remembered event.
The reason to do this is, it is not the event but the meaning we gave the event that keeps us reliving the event. And where this comes from is the emotion(s) that we have attached to the event.
The higher the emotional state the harder it is to over come it intellectually. So in most cases the emotional state will always trump our rational thought process.
The simple explanation of the removal process is you are going to play the memory in reverse. This can also be used on the crap we say to ourselves. And any emotional state that is causing problems.
The steps.
1) Sit down and replay the event in your head. When you feel the emotions from the event reach over and pinch yourself, doesn’t matter where and hold it. It doesn’t have to be hard. Just so that you feel it. What this does is anchor the emotional state.
2) Now let your mind go back in time [time line] to where the event happened. Now go past the event if the emotional state drops off then go back to the event and go to the next step.. If it doesn’t then continue going back in time till you hit the next event and check passed it. What we are looking for is where this emotion first started. But if you don’t get the first one it’s no big deal. If the emotional state shows back up just go kill it again.
Now that we have the problem event we want to Kill the emotions hooked it.
Pretend your setting in the projection room of a movie theater. There is a thick glass window and nothing can get to you. Now play the movie of the event backwards about double speed. [you can let go of pinching yourself.] When it ends, the screen goes blank. Play it again. Screen goes blank. Play it again faster. Each time it ends the screen goes blank. Now around the fourth/fifth time let the movie screen start sliding out and keep running the movie and just let it keep sliding until it disappears.
How many times do we run the movie backwards? I have found that it takes anywhere from 5 to 15 times to strip the emotions from most event. But some take more. Average about 15 times. Mileage may very :). When I first started doing it it was a hit or miss. Sometimes it worked well. Sometimes I had to repeat it. Instead of doing it again I would run it until I was sick of running it. Then one day I was running it and I let the movie slide out away from me. The movie got smaller and smaller. And it was playing quicker and quicker until it vanished. I started doing this to everyone of them. What I found was that the sliding controlled how many times the movie needed to be run. If it needed to be run many many times the movie would slowly move out. Even if I tried to force it out. It wouldn’t move any faster then at it’s own pace.
So we run the movie of the event backwards. Each time faster. At each ending the screen goes blank for the length of time of a flash. Then we start the movie over. And then after 4 or 5 times let the movie start sliding out and getting smaller and smaller. The first few times you do this. Take your time. Turn the phone off. Run the movie many times. Run it faster and faster.
When it has disappeared. Step back into the time line right before the event happened and follow it back to the present. Then watch it continue on into the future. The time line is how we store our past so we know when something happened. For me coming back up the time line to the present is like flying through a tunnel. There is light all around me. When you get back to the present watch the light shoot out in to your future. This will clear out any other events that use this emotional state in the past and in the future.
One thing you will notice when coming back to the present is you will hit places where it’s like going through water. These only last for a second. What it is, is other events that are tied to these same emotions and it is stripping the emotions off of these events.
If you have trouble seeing the movie not a big deal. You know it is there. The effects will be the same. Just let your eyes follow it.
If you have trouble finding the seed event. This is where you have followed it all through your past but you can still feel it out there beyond you. Simply turn your head toward the feeling. This one you will kill by turning your head through the feeling. You will feel the pressure of it like a bubble. With this one you’ll butt it up against your temple and then move your head until it is passed the other temple. For most left to right. And you will feel it as it passes from temple to temple. Do this repeatedly. Then when you can push it out and let it slide out just like the movie exercise.
The turning it through the eye’s became my main technique of doing this. It’s simpler. And you don’t have to see the movie. Sometimes if I’m having trouble moving the bubble I turn my head through it. For most the movement is from left to right. But if your one whose past is off to the right then it would be right to left.
The effects is you can still remember the event but you will not have the emotions. So no more need to relive it or feel it’s effects. Plus you’ll have a hole in your head. You may be more emotional, cry, angry etc.. Sleep can be messed up for a few nights. The bigger the emotional state that was killed the greater the effects, will be. And it can open up other things you have suppressed or forgotten about. This is a good thing. If it is in you then it will effect you until it is dealt with.
And each time you kill something. Smile that crap is no longer going to bother you. Tell yourself good job, way to go etc. Then bring on the next one. Because the sooner they are killed the sooner you can have your revenge. And that is to have a happy life.
The steps will shorten as you do this a few times to the point that you will no longer need to do the projector room you will just play the move backwards, letting it slide out of sight and follow it back to the present and let it move on out to the future.
Another pointer is anytime you find one that you want to deal with a memory but you can’t do the exercise at that moment. Just anchor it with the pinch and with this one pinch a little harder but don’t bruise yourself. Now when you have the time pinch the same place the same way and the emotional state will pop up and you can follow it back and kill it. Make sure that you pinch a place you will remember. Like squeeze the middle finger. In a sense your flipping off the emotional state.
This will work on any memory, compulsion, phobia etc. It will work on beliefs but there is another step to it. With all beliefs there is a sentence of phrase that goes with it. I’m dumb. Nothing ever works right. No one will ever love me. These have to be erased also. Just run the recording backwards.
Any question just ask
spoon
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Andrew T. Austin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbyehMFeqAg&feature=player_embedded
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/05/18/taking-back-our-power/comment-page-5/#comment-162597
Petite,
Hi, sorry to hear you are dealing with him again, but I think it might be a good thing. You still have issues that leave you vulnerable to spaths and you need to learn what they are.
First, the problem with boundaries. As others mentioned, you didn’t need to hug him. But you didn’t want to be rude. Spaths test us for this personality trait: people who can’t stand to be rude, make perfect spath targets. It shows a lack of boundaries, a sense of responsibility, a concern for the feelings of others even beyond concern for your own feelings.
Jesus said, “love your neighbor as yourself”, He didn’t say “love your neighbor MORE than yourself.
So B tested you and you failed the test, you hugged him back. Then he knew he could toy with you and your emotions.
The next test was to try to get you to respond to his request for a picture. You offered to let him snap a shot of you on his Iphone. Again, concern for what he asks, not wanting to be rude.
Petite, he is feeding on your emotions with every contact. That’s what he wants. You must hide your emotions. Put on your best Gray Rock face and determine that you will be RUDE if you must be, but you will not let him touch you, request of you, love bomb you or in anyway rent space in your head.
You can be RUDE without saying anything. Just look at him and walk away as if he were a potted plant and you just remembered something you had to do. If you must say something, say, “I prefer to keep any contact professional, I expect you to respect that boundary.”
You asked why he is not with a woman. There could be several reasons, but one thing I’ve noticed is that conventions are often used as an excuse to cheat on a spouse. Regardless of the gathering, whether it’s people selling widgets or doctors or film industry or software, it seems there are many people who start prowling for sex at conventions and trade shows. So the answer to your question is that he is there to score, he doesn’t want to bring the one he already has at home. He’d like to score with you, and with anyone else he can.
He is now ignoring you because you showed that you are still vulnerable and that’s how he is making you suffer. Be prepared for more drama, more whipsawing (attention then neglect), and more surprises just to see the look on your face.
Gray rock is one thing you can channel, but in your case I think you are still having too much trouble being rude and thinking of yourself as a plain gray pebble might be too hard. So try to think of yourself as Queen Elizabeth of England. Imagine the crown and the scepter. YOU do not have to speak to anyone you don’t want to. HE should only speak when YOU decide he may speak. He may not touch you, the queen. He may not take your photo. He is beneath you and you will decide if/when he gets any morsel of attention from you. You are not being rude, this is simply the way that it is because you are queen. You are never rude, you are much too dignified for that, being queen. Yet, you are entitled to the utmost respect from that worm, and you will see that you get it.
Keep imagining that crown on your head Petite. Play that role. Wear something like a hair band or a ring to symbolize your identity as queen and don’t forget that it’s there. When you see him, play the role.
dear skylar,
thanks so much.
there was a huge crowd of doctors, it was the tea break, he came from behind and it was not even much of a hug, I had stuff in both my hands, it was more of a brush of the shoulders.
I asked him to use the iphone to take a photo as I was testing to see if he had a woman in the room, becoz I thought if there is someone with him, she can see his phone and my photo.
In a way after that it dawned on me, if there is someone with him, why not bring her to the dinner and “showcase” her to the world. why go to the dinner with me.
he said all the crap to me, of you are so lovely etc. and then it stopped. you said that is “whipsawing”. so he just wants to see me squirm for his attention as I still have feelings for him – correct. OK, I will turn Gray rock.
I am so scared, I don’t know how I will handle myself, if I see him with a woman in the hotel at breakfast, or checking out or at the airport. I am thinking – I should – just pinch myself and say – “thank god it is not me that he is toying with and remember of his incapability to love and only capapbility of deceit.”
please advice.
thanks
petite
Petite,
Skylar’s advice is great and so are the others! Imagine yourself Queen Elizabeth with all her dignity and B is beneath you….
You ARE above him, Petite…you are not a cheating creep that brought STD home to the mother of his kids….
Sky is right he is testing you for your boundaries and maybe at the next convention he will make a pass at you. You are one of his “convention harem women” where they either pick up one at a convention or take one to the convention. I will be willing to bet he has 1 or 2 women shacked up with at home and either brought one which he kept in the hotel room but not at the events because she was such a BIMBO that he didn’t want his friends to see her with him.
You are a beautiful woman, and you are at the TOP of a field world wide in which there are not many women at all, so of course there will be men in your profession hit on you (or want to hit on you) but just be QUEEN PETITE and be friendly and talk to whom YOU want to talk to and give him the EVIL EYE. YOu do NOT have to be chatty cathy to B. KEEP IT ON A PROFESSIONAL LEVEL WITH HIM and be friendly to everyone else…he will SLINK away.
Petite, we posted at the same time…your last sentence is correct, just be GLAD it is not you that he is toying with….(((hugs)))