Editor’s Note: The following was posted as a comment by the Lovefraud reader, NewLife43. I thought everyone should see it.
I had a small epiphany today while driving back from the grocery store. What, exactly, did the spath give me that I find so difficult to let go? I have been married twice before and when those marriages were over, I was sad and wished that they hadn’t ended the way that they had. But neither one of them was like this 8 year relationship! I was still the same person, what was so different this time? Why couldn’t I release it and move on with my life?
Neither one of my ex-husbands were like the spath. In fact, NO ONE had ever made me feel like he did. And by that I mean, no one had ever made me as physically sick, scared, confused, bewildered, ashamed, lost, financially devastated”¦well, you get the picture. Most of us on here have been decimated, humiliated and degraded by this sub-human species. What is wrong with us that we cannot LET THEM GO? We shouldn’t just be glad to kiss them good-bye, we should be kicking them goodbye! And instead, many of us would take them back in a heartbeat.
Why? Because they gave us something we so deeply needed, that the world ended the same time that the relationship did. I don’t know what everyone else received from their spath, but I do know what I got from mine. He made me feel loved and accepted in a way I had never been before. He made me feel beautiful on my worst days. He shrugged off my bad moods and laughed me out of them. He ignored any insults I hurled his way and didn’t hold them against me. I could be my most terrible self and he still called me “His Queen”. Since he couldn’t possibly make a mistake in his choice of romantic partner (in his mind, anyway) I was the perfect woman for him. In a way, he did create the world we lived in and so much of it was wonderful, fun, interesting and never, never boring. But. The price I paid was tremendous and I will have to pay it for a while yet. I know that this relationship, this world of his, wasn’t ever real, but you know, it sure felt real. More real than anything I had ever experienced in my life. Those are pretty special feelings and he doesn’t them own, unless I let him.
My spath must have said “I don’t care” at least a thousand times over the course of our time together. And he meant it. What would bother a normal person, he was able to simply shrug off. It was a lesson to me to lighten up my very serious view of the world. Sometimes, things really don’t matter. (Another of his sayings). When I would get upset because something had broken and I would now have to spend the money to replace it, he said, “Things break, they wear out. Why are you getting so upset?” So I would stop and reevaluate what was important. I appreciated that viewpoint and still remember to tell myself that when yet again, something breaks.
I loved his sense of fun, it was so child-like. And although his version of fun would wear thin sometimes when it was inappropriate conduct, I tolerated it because I was thrilled by it. He really lived like somebody left the gate open! I couldn’t have been less like him if I had tried and his way of approaching life helped swing me more to the middle of the road than constantly riding the bumpy shoulder. How sad, for him, for us, that he had no idea when to stop pushing the envelope. Not realizing that what he was doing was hurting so many people. And it caused so much legal trouble in his life. How I wish that he could have kept that sense of joie de vivre without spinning out of control. Sigh! And one day, he didn’t care and I didn’t matter. My heart was broken.
I loved him very much. I still do. But the point is, I have the capacity to love someone and he doesn’t. He never will. Good for me! That means even if I don’t quite know how yet, I will be able to move on. It’s so very, very hard.
So what did he give me? He gave me complete acceptance and what I believed was love, in a way no one had before. And I had an opportunity to explode with genuine love for another person. He made me feel beautiful, no matter what and I am grateful for that.
And even if it was all an illusion, who here wouldn’t go back just for a day when we were first being love-bombed by our spath? Unfortunately, we can’t go back. The good news is, we can find a way to give deep love and acceptance to ourselves! This IS good news!
The spath uncovered our deepest needs and showed us how we can feel about ourselves, through their eyes. Who says we can’t feel that way again? Now this is my goal which I will reach for every single day for the rest of my life. And I have him to thank for that. I didn’t know before I met him that I could be wholly acceptable in someone’s eyes. Only now it’s my eyes. I can love-bomb myself.
If you are old enough, you may remember the poem, “Desiderata”. The best line was: “For all its pain, drudgery and broken dreams, it’s still a beautiful world. Strive to be happy”. Because if I give happiness to myself, then no one can ever take it away from me again. And it can’t be that hard to help myself feel that way again. If the spath can do it, then ANYONE can! What I finally understood is that it’s not him I miss or want back (he comes packaged with too much pain), it’s those amazing feelings. You know they’re already in you. He (or she) doesn’t have a copyright on them. Go get them, everyone!
Hi Skylar,
you said he would like to score with me. I am not going to jump in bed with him, that is for sure, I know it for myself.
However, he has not been trying to push hard and drool all over me. the meeting finished at lunch time today and rest of the day is free, till tomorrow, he did not ask me out or anything.
last night after the dinner, he came to drop me till my room door and I said thank you, he said welcome and bye. no hug, no kiss, nothing. is he trying to show me that he is not interested after all and make me yearn for him.
petite
dear oxy and Sky
I agree with you and being ‘convention harem woman’
I was wondering how come the girl who he has brought is willing to stay back in the room as an object, and even B does not feel that he should be taking her to the dinner, instead he came to pick me up from the hotel room and drop me back after the dinner. I must say that I did tell him, that I was not going to go the dinner as it was not safe for me to walk on the street and I did not know anyone from the hotel who was going. he said he was not sure he was going. we decided that if he went, I may consider going as then I would have a chaperone. an hour later hesent a note to my room, saying that he will go and pick me up. throughout the dinner he was with me and behaving very polite, though sending messages on the phone.
In a way he was cheating on the girl in the room, becoz I am his “ex” and he went with his “ex” leaving the current one in the room.
if he did the same to me, leave me in the room and go with anoother, I would have thrown a fit.
yor thoughts
petite
Yes, Petite, he showed you attention at first and by walking you to your door and not asking for more, he is making you wonder if he still finds you desireable, or if he’s going to try to come in your room. He knows he is affecting your emotions.
Never forget, it is your EMOTIONS that he wants.
I really think you need to picture yourself as a queen and when in doubt, ask yourself, “what would a queen do?”
Would she allow a lowly worm to walk her to her door? I don’t think so.
Even if you know you aren’t going to jump into bed with him, (and he knows this too) his REAL target is your emotions. Sex is just ONE avenue they use to feed on our emotions, they can use many others. The whipsaw is their primary method.
The reason why NC is so important is because each time he speaks with you, he draws you down the slippery slope just a tiny bit. It’s so subtle that you don’t even realize it. Your emotions are not in your control and he knows it.
I understand that you’re scared. That’s an emotion and he’ll eat that one too. Don’t give it to him. To get over your fear, acknowledge your fear. Understand that fear is a warning sign, so thank your fear for doing it’s job and warning you. Then tell it to go to bed because you can handle it now with your intellect. Make the choice to gray rock or to be a QUEEN, then do it.
As Oxy says, you can be professional with him and friendly with everyone else. He doesn’t require an explanation or anything at all from you. YOU ARE THE QUEEN.
EDIT:
I just saw your post. It might be true that he has left a girl in his hotel room, that would be typical of a spath. I would hope though, that you don’t care about that.
Remember that they feed on emotions, so you must never tell him of any fear of walking alone. Simply tell him you have chosen not to go to the dinner, give no explanation.
It was a mistake to tell him you have a fear and allow him to provide “protection” from that fear for you. Spaths love that, because that is direct control over your emotions. Next time, he will leave you at the dinner and you will have to walk home alone. Remember: the spath giveth and then the spath taketh away!
thanks Skylar,
agree and accept all the advice. I did think he would call me to go out today and so you are right, he is TESTING MY EMOTIONS.
why not showcase the girl in the room at dinner and make me feel miserable, that way he would have his full revenge.
petite
sky and Oxy,
what do I do if I see him with the woman in the hotel, holding hands etc., in the breakfast room, lobby or at the airport.
petite
Petite,
if there is a woman in the hotel, then he may save that for last. Do all you can to avoid him, don’t let him know where you will be. If he approaches you with another woman, make no assumptions, smile gracefully and say, “nice to meet you.” just as you would with any new acquaintance. Stay professional, stay cool, distract yourself by thinking about work techniques. Concentrate on what you have been learning at the conference, review your notes on anything that has been really interesting to you.
When I first left my spath and felt very emotional sometimes, I used to carry a mechanical 3D puzzle that has many different ways to solve it. When I was focused on the puzzle, I felt no emotional stress. So find a puzzle or other interest to think about when he is around you.
thanks sky,
will follow your points.
I thought he would want to strut around with his woman at the Congress dinner and let everyone talk and say “see B – he has such a lovely new friend, he is such a lucky man,” and introduce his new acquistion to all including me and make me feel lousy.
Instead he went with me – and got a comment ” she is a Pearl, you are a lucky man”
cannot understand – what do you think,
sorry to bother you, I am here in my hotel room in Romania, preparing my presentation for tomorrow and battling with thoughts about him.
petite
Skylar’s and Oxy’s advice are superb petite and apply to any situation with him!
If you were to see him with a woman, imagine that crown of a queen on your head again! What would a queen do if she saw a courtier with a woman after flirting with her? She would not stare away immediately, but slowl with an icy cold expressiony, while waving an imaginary dust from her shoulder and continue her way with her head held high. Even if her heart was shattered into 1000 pieces.
Showcasing another woman in front of you is more hurtful after he gets you to bite his bait again. The moment he knows he has created expectations and hope of a reunion with him within you, that’s when he’ll make sure you’ll find out. He first wants the confirmation that he hooked you… and so first needs to hook you. At the moment he’s trying to hook you with the hot-cold seesaw.
Spaths hook us with that seesaw… they’ll lovebomb us, but will stop short just from making the necessary finally move. They’ll lead on, but won’t make the final move. This usually makes the target make the final move herself (invite him, kiss him, …). Having the target make the final move makes them more susceptible to cognitive dissonance and the spath’s games afterwards. Our minds work in a way that if we were to make a choice by taking action, then we’ll try to stick and defend that choice.
Petite,
For me, the number one red-flag of impending doom in any dating situation is when I am confused, second guessing, mind reading, or trying to figure out what really going on.
This is game-playing. This is not intimacy. This is what narcissists and spaths do, in relationships. They don’t commit. They play cat and mouse. They are experts at sending mixed messages, so they keep you insecure and out of sync. They want your total emotional energy focussed on them, and they will go to great lengths to get it, but, you can be sure that if they have it, they will distance, devalue and disgard.
We give ourselves away, when we allow them to steal our soul enegy away from ourselves…..they have target-dar, and know immediatly when the switch has been flipped…they just do, and it doesn’t matter how hard you play the game of not really caring or of being dis interested, they sence it like blood in the water, besides, it’s just a game.
The point is we ARE vulnerable as long as we are playing that game. And, we prove, not only to them, that we believe that’s all we deserve, but even worse, we translate that message to ourselves.
I agree with Skylar that your telling him you were un-safe going out on the streets alone, sent him a strong message…female rescepitivity….like a target on your head.
Love it, Skylar, “the spath giveth and the spath taketh away.” Spot on. Seduction and betrayal, reseduce and betray, again, round and round we go…..
Your friend may not understand he’s a spath and how they operate.
It is best to ignore his texts. Who cares what he thinks of you!In any case, spaths never think well of their toys. Silence is what you need and ought to want from him.