Editor’s Note: The following was posted as a comment by the Lovefraud reader, NewLife43. I thought everyone should see it.
I had a small epiphany today while driving back from the grocery store. What, exactly, did the spath give me that I find so difficult to let go? I have been married twice before and when those marriages were over, I was sad and wished that they hadn’t ended the way that they had. But neither one of them was like this 8 year relationship! I was still the same person, what was so different this time? Why couldn’t I release it and move on with my life?
Neither one of my ex-husbands were like the spath. In fact, NO ONE had ever made me feel like he did. And by that I mean, no one had ever made me as physically sick, scared, confused, bewildered, ashamed, lost, financially devastated”¦well, you get the picture. Most of us on here have been decimated, humiliated and degraded by this sub-human species. What is wrong with us that we cannot LET THEM GO? We shouldn’t just be glad to kiss them good-bye, we should be kicking them goodbye! And instead, many of us would take them back in a heartbeat.
Why? Because they gave us something we so deeply needed, that the world ended the same time that the relationship did. I don’t know what everyone else received from their spath, but I do know what I got from mine. He made me feel loved and accepted in a way I had never been before. He made me feel beautiful on my worst days. He shrugged off my bad moods and laughed me out of them. He ignored any insults I hurled his way and didn’t hold them against me. I could be my most terrible self and he still called me “His Queen”. Since he couldn’t possibly make a mistake in his choice of romantic partner (in his mind, anyway) I was the perfect woman for him. In a way, he did create the world we lived in and so much of it was wonderful, fun, interesting and never, never boring. But. The price I paid was tremendous and I will have to pay it for a while yet. I know that this relationship, this world of his, wasn’t ever real, but you know, it sure felt real. More real than anything I had ever experienced in my life. Those are pretty special feelings and he doesn’t them own, unless I let him.
My spath must have said “I don’t care” at least a thousand times over the course of our time together. And he meant it. What would bother a normal person, he was able to simply shrug off. It was a lesson to me to lighten up my very serious view of the world. Sometimes, things really don’t matter. (Another of his sayings). When I would get upset because something had broken and I would now have to spend the money to replace it, he said, “Things break, they wear out. Why are you getting so upset?” So I would stop and reevaluate what was important. I appreciated that viewpoint and still remember to tell myself that when yet again, something breaks.
I loved his sense of fun, it was so child-like. And although his version of fun would wear thin sometimes when it was inappropriate conduct, I tolerated it because I was thrilled by it. He really lived like somebody left the gate open! I couldn’t have been less like him if I had tried and his way of approaching life helped swing me more to the middle of the road than constantly riding the bumpy shoulder. How sad, for him, for us, that he had no idea when to stop pushing the envelope. Not realizing that what he was doing was hurting so many people. And it caused so much legal trouble in his life. How I wish that he could have kept that sense of joie de vivre without spinning out of control. Sigh! And one day, he didn’t care and I didn’t matter. My heart was broken.
I loved him very much. I still do. But the point is, I have the capacity to love someone and he doesn’t. He never will. Good for me! That means even if I don’t quite know how yet, I will be able to move on. It’s so very, very hard.
So what did he give me? He gave me complete acceptance and what I believed was love, in a way no one had before. And I had an opportunity to explode with genuine love for another person. He made me feel beautiful, no matter what and I am grateful for that.
And even if it was all an illusion, who here wouldn’t go back just for a day when we were first being love-bombed by our spath? Unfortunately, we can’t go back. The good news is, we can find a way to give deep love and acceptance to ourselves! This IS good news!
The spath uncovered our deepest needs and showed us how we can feel about ourselves, through their eyes. Who says we can’t feel that way again? Now this is my goal which I will reach for every single day for the rest of my life. And I have him to thank for that. I didn’t know before I met him that I could be wholly acceptable in someone’s eyes. Only now it’s my eyes. I can love-bomb myself.
If you are old enough, you may remember the poem, “Desiderata”. The best line was: “For all its pain, drudgery and broken dreams, it’s still a beautiful world. Strive to be happy”. Because if I give happiness to myself, then no one can ever take it away from me again. And it can’t be that hard to help myself feel that way again. If the spath can do it, then ANYONE can! What I finally understood is that it’s not him I miss or want back (he comes packaged with too much pain), it’s those amazing feelings. You know they’re already in you. He (or she) doesn’t have a copyright on them. Go get them, everyone!
Wow…it’s good to finally be able to speak about this and be understood. As much as you tell friends and family unless they live it, they don’t truly understand what the relationship is. I lost friends because of this monster because he isolated me without me even realizing it was really him that was causing it. He just quietly sat back and let the game play out for his entertainment. I could go on and on and on about the insanity, but instead of focusing on that like Ox said, I am going to look into all of the reading suggestions that you guys recommended. I wanted to know if any of you ever had to move to a different town like I have due to stalking situation? I still feel like he is hiding and watching me and I need help dealing with that fear. Thanks to each of you for posting and your blessings.
SocialHead – gotta change your ID, kiddo!
The “feeling” that he’s hiding and watching is called, “hypervigilance,” and I’ve experienced that, as well. In fact, I still become hypervigilant if anything seems out of sorts.
Once the hypervigilance kicks in, then FEAR begins taking over. Fear is a reaction to any given situation, and the symptoms are very, very “real.” Once fear has creeped in, it is the driving force behind nearly all of my choices, decisions, and behaviors. Then, it just progresses into uncontrollable anxiety that is literally triggered by words, voices, smells, places, and every other thing under the sun. It can become quite crippling. The way that I dealt with this fear was to isolate myself inside of my home. If I didn’t leave, there wasn’t a risk. So, I wasn’t “dealing with it,” at all.
Even still, I have intense moments (sometimes, hours) of crippling fear and this can be a symptom of PSTD. Since there are no resources for counseling anywhere nearby, I’m going to do some of my PSTD workbook that I found and try to sort some of this out.
As for moving….my belief is that, if a person is fearful for their safety and local law enforcement and other avenues have proven to be a waste of time, relocating is the best option available if it is an open possibility. Changing phone numbers, email addresses, renting a PO Box, deleting online profiles and accounts, etc, etc., will hinder any stalking attempts, though it won’t stop them if they’re determined.
Brightest blessings
Dear Head,
I bought an RV and hid it on a friend’s lot on a lake near by and got the heck out of my home because Iknew there was a stalker sent to kill me. No question. Only after he went to jail did I return home. He is out now, but no longer a threat to me because there is nothing in it for him any more and I know him, plus, he is a coward, but that doesn’t mean my son won’t send another of his ex convict friends to try and get me.
I don’t live in TERROR anymore jumping at every sound, but I do LIVE CAUTIOUSLY. I do what I can to be cautious and not open myself up to being killed or hurt, but at the same time, I won’t live in TERROR. It isn’t worth it. If to move away forever was the only way to get rid of the terror, of course I would do it. I did it.
There are others here on LF who are living in hiding from their stalkers. You just have to decide if it is necessary for your mental health or safety to move. Some Psychopaths will leave you alone, and others never quit until they ahve killed you, and everything in between.
I stay prepared…I have a gun at arm’s length at all times, and I have a good security system at my house so that helps me sleep at night too. Do what you have to do to feel safe. (((hugs))
oh my, i have to agree with truthy…welcome Head…
Ox you can move your rv to my place anytime, wont nobody find you down here in the sticks but the tick’s.
It’s been 4 years and yet I am still unable to let go completely. NOT a day goes by I do not think of him or say his name out loud. I struggle building close relationships now. I have tried dating after 4 years and what I find I struggle with the most is feeling anything for the men I meet. I don’t know how to explain it but I have become detached emotionally it seems. I was not this way before but after my relationship ended with the spath I now seem incapable of bonding emotionally with anyone. I don’t understand why. What happened for me to be detached emotionally from others now? I just feel indifferent to everything and everyone it seems. Can someone please explain to me why this is happening? Is this normal? Is this just a stage and this will pass? I am lonely but I don’t know how to let people get close to me. I am messed up huh. I just feel so damaged and after 4 years I no longer cry myself to sleep because I miss him. I don’t like this indifference I feel for everything and everyone it seems. I don’t understand it myself. Can you please explain why this is happening? Will this go away and i will start to feel things again? What I miss the most is being able to connect and be close to people again. I lost that after the ex left me.
Yes, Deceived. It is normal, however, it is time to get agressive in addressing what you have expressed. Something that has helped me immensely is the book called, Trust After Trauma… A guide to Relationships for Survivors and Their Loved Ones. You have to really work it, in order for it to work for you. But you can do it! An additional suggestion I have, but only a suggestion, of course… I think you would be better suited with a name, other than Deceived. Although you had in fact been decieved to the highest degree, maybe it would help your situation if you gave yourself a name that in fact projects a positive step you have taken, or wish to take, or perhaps, particular progress in an area of your recovery that you have made. I wish you much light & happiness ~
GREAT advice Shane,
especially the name change. I chose Skylar because it means, “protection through knowledge”. Curious, why did you choose Shane? I looked it up and it means, “grace from God”
Deceived,
even though I’ve “moved on” 3 years later, I still think of him every day. It’s a lesson we know we have to learn because it’s too important to miss any little bit of it. We want to incorporate it into our minds so that it’s second nature. That’s a good thing, IMO.
Keep learning. Keep risking. It takes both knowledge and experience to achieve WISDOM.
You’ll get there if you choose to keep risking, WITH YOUR EYES WIDE OPEN. Mistakes are how we learn. Refusing to feel anything is what the spaths do because they fear life, and it’s what they wanted to make us do. It turns us into them. Refuse to become them, don’t be afraid.
In Yiddish it means beauty or beautiful, and is pronounced, shanah. I chose it because of the beauty I had always seen in life, and the world, over-all, and wish to get to that place, again. I am getting there, bit by bit. It is just taking some time. It’s ok, though. I am patient. I am forever grateful for all of the hurdles that I have been able to overcome, while in the aftermath. All gifts from the P. I am stronger, wiser and incredibly resiliant, due the the P experiences.
Dear Deceived, I just wanted to let you know, you are not alone. I feel just like you, just the same. I try to find new friends, but I feel so shattered that I just close my self in. Sometimes I get paranoia, other times I just can’t relate. The confusion sets in and I get migraine attacks. I wake up every morning and ask my self, when will this be over? When will he be out of my mind? But the more I work on my self, the better it gets. It’s a journey, a tough one, but in the end I will be stronger, more confident and have a better life. My goal is simple, I will not let him win over me. His goal when he assaultet me, was that he wanted to destroy me so no other man would be with me (I would be under his power and controll for ever) and that I would never forget him. I WILL NOT LET HIM WIN! What will you do?
Deceived, “moving on” is a difficult task, especially when I don’t feel that I ever had an opportunity to really let the exspath know how thoroughly he destroyed my life, my beliefs, and my psyche. Well, the sad truth of this is that he doesn’t care what he did – he simply doesn’t care, never did, and never will.
I think this is a vital part of being unable to let go and move forward – we just can’t process the fact that the spath has no remorse or conscience about the things that they chose to do. We simply cannot wrap our heads around this fact.
It may be a good choice to engage in individual counseling therapy, Deceived. Find someone who “gets it” and NEVER mention the term, “sociopath.” Your local mental health hotline or insurance provider will have a list of counselors that specialize in domestic violence/abuse, PSTD, and Stockholm Syndrome. These people are trained to recognize what we cannot. And, don’t let the stigma of “mental health” prevent you from taking control of your own healing processes.
I am a vociferous advocate of counseling therapy, particularly when it comes to recovering from spath entanglements and abuses. No, a person doesn’t have to suffer a broken jaw to be abused, and spaths routinely use emotional battery to their advantages. We – each individual – are not equipped to recover from spath entanglements in a healthy manner. At least, this is my firm belief. For other traumas, we rather have the ability to process the events: random violence, natural disasters, etc….these are all events that we can point at and say, “See that? That tornado wiped out my home, and I am devastated.” People respond with 100% empathy and compassion, and insurance companies help us to rebuild.
Now, when it comes to spath entanglements, we point to Mr. or Ms. Charming and say, “See that? That lied to me for 14 years about what it really did, stole my private finances RIGHT from under my nose, made me sick as hell, left me with literally nothing, and let my real estate investments fall into foreclosure and my vehicle to be repossessed. See that? And, that’s why I am devastated.” Well, you know how people respond to that, right? They look at us as if we’ve suddenly turned into turnips, or something. “Well, you should have known,” is often their response – there’s a distince lack of compassion, understanding, and support outside of those who have experienced sociopathy, themselves, EXCEPT with some skilled professionals in the psychological communities. Friends don’t “get it.” Family members don’t “get it.” Lawyers, doctors, judges, police officers, social workers, and ministers/clergy DON’T GET IT. But, there are select few counseling therapists that do.
For myself, my counselor didn’t simply “listen” to my experiences, but she “heard” what I was saying. She was able to point out truths and help me learn to separate truths from fiction. She also helped me to grasp many aspects of my own personality that allowed me to be such a “perfect target” for spaths and abuse. In the short time that I had sessions with her, she managed to help me sort out many, many issues (or, at least address them) that didn’t have anything to do with the exspath, but EVERYTHING to do with how I was targeted, in the first place.
So, be kind to yourself, Deceived. Do something kind FOR yourself, and remember that you are more important than the sum total of your spath experiences. You’re so much more than that, and you’ll sort it out in due time.
Brightest blessings