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By | July 25, 2011 270 Comments

What is love fraud?

In my post last week, I referred to an article on Salon.com called, Facebook status: In a scam relationship. The article starts with an anecdote about a guy who met a woman on Myspace. She supposedly lived in Ghana and proclaimed her love, then told him a hard luck story. He sent her a total of $14,000, even though they never met. The person did not exist. The guy was scammed.

After relating the anecdote, the article stated, “He’s a victim of what’s called ”˜love fraud.’”

I had two reactions to that sentence. The first was, “Wow—”˜love fraud’ has entered the lexicon.” The second was, “This writer doesn’t get it—love fraud is not limited to cyber scams.”

Then, a few days ago, I received an inquiry from a television talk show producer who is considering doing an episode about “love fraud.” He Googled, “love fraud,” and of course, immediately landed on this website and blog. He too, however, seemed to think that love fraud was limited to fake romances conducted over the Internet, which turn out to be money scams.

It’s time to set the record straight.

When I learned that my ex-husband, James Montgomery, was a sociopath, and that millions of sociopaths were out in the world putting peoples’ lives through a meat grinder, as had happened to me, I realized that the public needed to be educated. Although I was in the midst of my divorce and couldn’t immediately embark on an education program, I decided that I would eventually build a website.

So 12 years ago, on August 7, 1999, I reserved the domain name, “Lovefraud.com.” If you want proof, check the Who Is information.

Lovefraud.com launched on July 20, 2005. Our logo is trademarked. “Love fraud” is my term. Therefore, I will define it:

Love fraud is the intentional exploitation of an individual through manipulating emotions and trust in a personal relationship. The exploitative relationship is frequently romantic, but can also be between family members, friends and associates. The relationship can take place in real life, or exist only through communications media. The people who engage in love fraud are sociopaths.

For years, I’ve heard from people who want to tell me about their “love frauds.” In fact, I have collected more than 2,500 cases of people who tangled with sociopaths. Yes, I’ve heard about online scams. But I’ve also heard about betrayal by high school sweethearts, long-term spouses, family members, first dates, co-workers and business partners. This type of exploitation is widespread. In fact, it is epidemic.

So to all you bloggers and journalists who are suddenly interested in love fraud—this is not just an online money scam. Love fraud occurs any time a disordered individual uses a personal relationship of trust for the sole purpose of exploitation. Unfortunately, it happens much more frequently than most of us realize.


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Ox Drover

Dear Donna,

AMEN!!!! Great definition, put it up on Wiki! When people secure our love (admiration/connection and trust) and then betray it (fraud) if that ain’t LOVE FRAUD, I can’t imagine what is.

behind_blue_eyes

My x-spath could be the poster “boy” for love fraud:

In person, he pretends to be reserved, sorted and relationship oriented, while online professes is strong interests in “boys, beer and fooling around…”

Online, he is honest about his desire for the above, but uses photographs in which he looks 10 years young than in person.

Fraud and fraud.

Back_from_the_edge

Great definition, Donna. Thank you so much. xxoo
You have helped to ‘educate’ us ALL and have given us a ‘lifeline’ to hang onto during these horrid times.

Oh yes, that definition belongs on Wiki, for sure! 😉

Duped

coping

I think that unless you are personally a victim of love fraud- a a relationship with a sociopath-someone cannot truely understand the emotional and debilatating damage that has transpired. This extends much deeper than pure financial loss.
I am personally so thankfull for this site. The wisdom and knowledge I have gained from this site is priceless. Not to mention the “support” from other survivors. It takes true courage to post and share the traumas we have endured. I thank everyone who has had such courage. Only true survivors can understand the pain and insanity and still be willing to listen to us newcomers who are just beginning the road to recovery. PTSD, anxierty, and other psychological issues cannot be properly explained to those who have never encountered such a relationship.

coping

Well said Duped!!! 🙂

firewoman1220

I was the victim of a sociopath. A man who just disappeared after 4.5 years without a word. Had I not chanced upon a theatre performance the week he left, it might have taken me months to understand what happened. I saw a play about a woman’s search for her missing father, who was a sociopath (true story) I talked to her afterwards and she recommended the book, The Sociopath Next Door. After I read it, I started doing research and found your site. Though I have never posted before, I often read the articles and comments. It has helped me so much. I can’t imagine trying to process this all without reading what others have gone through along with all the support offered. I didn’t feel alone. Though, for me, I feel like I got off easy, compared to so many of you. I have had debt and credit problems thanks to him, as well as trust issues from uncovering all his lies, but other than that, I feel I was probably lucky. Now I know what the signs are and will never be taken again!

This site is invaluable for those of us who truly understand what love fraud really means. Thank you!

The play has been making the rounds of Fringe Festivals and is called “Missing” by Jessica Ferris. I credit her work with saving my sanity and offering a light into what had happened to me.

firewoman1220

I found a website for the play I mentioned above and wanted to include it. http://www.jessicaferris.com/missing/

Ox Drover

Dear firewoman,

Welcome to lovefraud. Thanks for posting and sharing the site for the play.

I’m glad you found your way here to this very healling place. It is not anywhere any of us would wish to be, but since we NEED to be here, it is the best place on the [email protected] Again, welcome!

candy

Firewoman – welcome. What a spot of luck seeing the theatre performance and being guided to The Sociopath Next Door. You had a head start on all of us.

There are lots of people on the sidelines of LF that read but do not always blog. You are welcome, feel free to stay and share your story.

Louise

firewoman:

The fringe was already in my city…so sorry I missed it. Do you know if I can watch it online?

Louise

firewoman:

I just watched the clip where she is trying to climb through the chair…funny!

Joanie123

And the funny part is most people don’t get it unless they have been through it. “So you fell for a guy who decided he didn’t want you”, they say. “Get over it.”
Even with my own attorney he recognized my story from other
clients who had been through it. But he said, “you’ll never get anything out of your divorce.” You helped him out financially thinking you were investing in a long-term commitment of marriage, but in his mind, you were never his wife, just a woman he viewed as a sap that he could exploit.” “He deserted you after one year so you can’t even claim alimony.”
Boy, he new the law good. It never occurred to me I was dealing with a “sociopath.” I was a young kid, I didn’t even know what one was till I went through the experience and lived it. And I was devastated. Because in my mind, marriage was more than a “one night stand albeit one year.”
I saw on the web that women’s groups are really starting to pressure dating sites to screen better for sexual predators as well as sociopaths. I don’t know how they could do this.
Someone like ourselves would know the signs of a predator.
But woe to young naive women who don’t know the signs and the red flags. Too bad most folks even men have to live through the experience before they can recognize the signs.
Too bad these men and women who marry for fraudulent purposes can’t be held accountable in a court of law.
I guess the attornies don’t want to be bothered with it otherwise every divorcee would be screaming “lovefraud” & “sociopath” at their ex.
Too bad there’s no diehard test to prove “sociopathy” so we could just put these folks in a separate category and avoid them altogether.

skylar

Hi Joannie,
yes, it’s too bad that most people have to live through it to understand it. But not all. Some people get it, if you explain it right. It’s well known that there are con artists and rip off artists out there who will prey on your emotions.

So today, on another website, which has nothing to do with love fraud, the subject came up. And I spoke up. I was asked, “how does a young man protect himself?” and I explained the red flags: charm, pity and rage, in detail. They were grateful.

Never hesitate to explain the red flags: the rollercoaster ride of up and down emotions, the lies, the love-bombing and the many, many other tells which could have saved us. There are signs, even the best of them show us signs. Unfortunately for us, we couldn’t interpret them because nobody told us. Pass along the information at every opportunity and eventually, the spaths will be starved of their supply. They’ll have to feed on each other – as is appropriate.

Back_from_the_edge

mwah! @ skylar…funny you should mention: “They’ll have to feed on each other-as is appropriate.” Wow: that’s hitting the nail on the head skylar….in my case they already are…..

Sorry Joanie for your troubles.
I hope things get better for you.

I heard someone explain the sad death of Amy Winehouse, a little while ago: “Addiction is the hole inside the soul.” I found that very profound, not just for drugs but for love, sex, any kind of addiction, maybe even perhaps the addiction I have been in the past five years.

Have a good night folks.
Don’t forget to keep sharing…
Education and awareness is the key.

Duped

one/joy_step_at_a_time

folks – YOU HAVE TO SEE THE NEW BRAIN SCANS! i just bough a national geographic because the picture taken by a new brain imaging device made me very happy to look at it. google images: ‘national geographic + brain scan’ – it’s the one with the incredible tendrils of neuro activity. no more ‘grey matter’ (grey is for rocks!) and no more heat imaging of mass areas…this one is HOT!

Joanie123

Duped: Things did get better for me. I’ve been happily married for 30 years after being victimized by a spath as a young woman.
I was just giving examples that most people just don’t get it.
I even explained “sociopathy” to my mother over and over.
She says, “why don’t you just understand that you were victimized by an “irresponsible drunk.” I said, “no mom, you don’t get it. I was victimized by a sociopath.” “Not an irresponsible drunk.”
LOL!!!
I have a question: To you ladies that contacted the other women that were victimized by your spath husband how where you met? Were they hostile to you? Were they jealous and brushed you off? Or were they glad you contacted them so you could compare stories?
I’ve always believed that the woman who married my ex-husband after me was always curious to meet me but never did because she was scared I’d be hostile to her.
I went back to my prior name right after our divorce.
But she used his name for years which led me to believe she still carried on with him for years after the divorce.
Afterwards when he went back to his long-term girlfriend before me and had a kid with her the woman after me went back to her maiden name which tells me she was finally over him or mad. One or the other.
Any how a few months back I saw his mother in the grocery store. I hadn’t seen her in 30 years. When I knew her she was in her mid-fifties with dark hair.
Now I was looking at a little old lady with peppered hair and if looks could kill I’d be dead.
I believe I told you all how she despised me and wanted his ex back in his life. Since I’ve had no contact with him for 30 years I can only guess at the lies he’s told his mother.
Or maybe he even told her I was the cheat instead of him.
I did tell her what happened when we parted and I also chewed her butt out for hiding his “sociopathic” condition from unassuming victims. His friends were the same way.
Complete silence. They guarded his condition as if their life depended on it. Any how after she gave me the evil stare
I gave one right back at her as if to say, “WTF are you looking at me that way for?”
I was thinking, “maybe she was scared I’d tear her apart in the supermarket.” I just moved on as if she didn’t even matter. I have a happy marriage and two beautiful kids, and happy to be well rid of her son. Although if I never met him life could have been even better. But I learned from the experience and can prepare my own kids for life’s evil people better.

Back_from_the_edge

That’s just great Joanie. Thanks for continuing to come here and sharing. I am happy you are in a wonderful marriage and relationship and family.

Yes, MY IT’s family is aware but in denial. They are never there for it. “I” was the anchor in it’s life for almost 9 years. In a lot of ways we were all we had: one another and yet it betrayed me so horridly. I won’t ever understand it or be able to explain it any other way other than I TOOK ALL I COULD and I AM NOT TAKING ANYMORE OF THIS NIGHTMARE IN MY WORLD.

Yes, please do protect your children by trying to prepare them for these evil druids. It’s the best we can do for those we love.

Happy life to you Joanie…it’s people like you who have made it through to the other side of that ring of fire that gives me hope and inspiration. xxoo *BLESSINGS TO YOU AND YOURS*

Duped

Louise

Joanie:

Good story! I was cracking up at the end!!!

I am glad you were able to move on and have been married for 30 years. Feel blessed that you were young when it happened. I will be 48 soon and feel so much older to be going through this. I feel like I will never be with anyone again.

KatyDid

Joanie,
I think your former MIL shows NOTHING changes. Once a scapegoat, always a scapegoat. At least that’s what I figured out when I used to be so confused why he married me knowing who and what I was about, and then blame me for being the person I said I was (demanding ethics, morality, respect, honor, and integrity… in short what he referred to as being too DEMANDING.)

Just b/c people get old doesn’t mean they grow up. Enablers do blame YOU, esp if you held him accountable and LEFT his sorry ass.

just as Katydid.

skylar

Joannie,
enablers always want others to help. You weren’t helpful enough I guess. 🙂
I’m really glad you escaped to a better life.

Joanie123

My spath never intended on staying with me from the get-go.
What happened was he met a very wealthy girl before me.
She was about 2 years older than him. We were in our mid-twenties when this happened in the early 1980’s.
He wanted to marry her but he had a lot of debt.
So he married me, convincing me he wanted to make a life with me. He didn’t tell me about all his debt until after we married.
Then he told me we’d both have to work real hard so we could pay off his debt and raise a family.
What he really wanted was for me to help him pay off his debt so he could marry the rich girl. He never intended to remain with me. I don’t know what his intent was for marrying her? Maybe he thought he could mooch off her.
Even after their divorce I suspect he still used her.
She was young too like me and him but she never moved on
and found another relationship. Either she was scared she’d find another loser or she was still hung up on him.
When he walked out on me I moved on. I was still hurting for a long time but I never had contact with him after the night he left. He went straight into a divorce with me and marriage with her. He bagged his prize right away.
She was his target. I was his meanwhile.
I know in the beginning she didn’t know he was married.
I have no idea when he finally told her about me. If it was after they were married or before. I suspect it was after because if he told her before she might have suspected he was a cheat and not gone through with the wedding. He hid his long-term girlfriend from me till after we were married.
He never lived with his long-term girlfriend but that was because she was aware of his condition. She was very friendly
with his mother so I suspect she was let in on his secret.

Louise

Joanie:

Thanks for sharing your story. Why didn’t he stay married to the wealthy girl?

Joanie123

He was drop dead gorgeous and he was a big cheat.
When we were married the women were attracted to him like flies to honey. About a week before we broke up one of his girlfriends called my house looking for him. The women were always looking for him and the fact he was married did not stop them. They called my house and came to my house looking for him. He never stopped them like a respectable husband would. My girlfriend said, “he gives them the space to do this to you.”
I suspect the rich girl caught him in the act. I don’t believe with her money he abused her as he did me. He was most definately more careful. She may have paid agents to follow him and get the goods. Rich people have a lot to lose so she probably divorced him so she wouldn’t have to pay him alimony. Also he married way above his station and used me and fraud to do so. Rich people can see through a “usurper.”
After her divorce she probably used him for sex like a “toy boy” and he probably got cash out of her. But her people more than likely told her to get rid of him.
He was trash and so was his family. But he probably put on a high class act to get her. Her family was classy I was told and so was she. I couldn’t imagine why she never moved on and married another guy. She was still young when this happened.

skylar

Joanie, that is a fascinating story.
Although they all use everyone as a stepping stone for the next rung, your spath was particularly focused on that.

We think we are helping each other up the ladder, but when it’s our turn to go up, the ladder gets snatched away… interesting.

My spath sister is married to a trojan horse spath that my ex-spath sent to marry her. He had been a meth addict, but then became a cop. His credit was shot because he had never paid his bills. He used her to get out of debt, clean up his credit and is on the road to ruining her financially for good. They are in debt and upside down on two houses, even though he makes 80+ thousand a year as a homeland security agent. sick.

I guess his next move is to finish her off and move upwards…

Joanie123

Skylar: He’ll move on only if the well runs dry or something better comes along. My spath was 27 when he moved on.
He was extremely attractive at that age and very muscular.
Now he’s close to 60. I imagine he still looks for the occasional new woman. But more than likely I picture him a beached whale like James Montgomery sitting on his sofa eating bon-bon’s and contemplating life’s woes.
The older they get it get’s harder to move up the ladder. If he’s an old man he’s not going any where’s but to hell. That’s his next pitstop! LOL!!!

skylar

Joanie,
he has plans to take everything and destroy her. They are both 42 yo. She’s a spath too, though. I did try to warn her but she won’t believe me. It’s hard to feel bad about spath on spath violence.

I hope that they all end up like James Montgomery. That would be justice. Or maybe they are all like Oxy’s P-son, who thinks he’s won even though he is in hell/prison. Wouldn’t that be funny if it turns out James thinks he’s a winner? LOL!

Trista

I was victim of a man my son believes is a sociopath. I thought he was bipolar and had sociopathic traits. He went all over me for ages, talking sex, wanting to be with me, treating me like an special person, phoning, writting emails, and eventually meeting me many times a week and sleeping with me. Later in the relationship he started showing his fangs, destructing everything, taking lots and lots of money from me unshamedelly, asking for lendings crying on the phone for medical reasons and when I offered to go to the doctor with him and pay there he said I did not trust him and had a terrible tamtrum, didnt speak to me for a day, treating me like absolute trash.
Finally I relented and gave him a good sum of money for the doctor,he said it was only a lending but i dont need to tell you that I have never seen it again, nor the other huge amounts I gave him for his day to day life.
You might think that Im really gullible, but in the situation where you believe the person is your partner and needs help you do anything to help him if he is without money of a job.
I have also payed for trips out of state, he had a special voice when wanting to travel with me, he knew that I would pay absoutely everything.
He also got clothes, shoes, a mobile, a computer and case, many dinners, I mean MANY, towels, sheets, a camera that he conveniently lost (i think he sold it), a coffee machine and many more things I gave him thinking he was going to be my husband as he promised me.
Now he just abandoned me, got another woman, has cheated on me last year and came back to me when he wanted more free dinners. He used me for sex and after having a full sexual relationship with me for months he suddenly dropped me sexually saying the other woman was better than me.
I feel used and abused beyond belief, he has clamly said he has another woman, and that he prefers love than money, so what made him take so much money from me.
I should add that Im an intelligent, beautiful woman, I have a good job, Im a good calm person, sexy and I take care of myself. All this did not prevent me from falling for a sociopath who had all the signs, he had three women before me and ALL put him out of the house, he cheated constantly and left four children without a father, his eldest daugher deslikes him and avoids him. He looks for sex, says he is not open to love, cannot love, do not hold hands or kiss , ever. Sex is mechanic and he is very manipulative when he wants of sex or money, phoning in the middle of the night even. he is a bundle of problems, I now said I dont want to know about him again, but he had said before that he does not want anything to do with me apart from friendsip, and this is amazing, for someone who spent nerly two years seeing me nearly everyday, slepping together, travelling, saying the most wonderful things about me, promising the world ( we are going to spend our lives together, our love was made in heaven, you are my wife).
The pain in unbeliavable, and I ll never get back the money and the self esteem I lost.

Back_from_the_edge

Dear Trista: I am so sorry this has happened to you. My heart and thoughts and prayers are with you. You aren’t alone. All of us here are in the same kind of place in our lives.

We each have our own unique stories and situations but the underlying issues and things we are trying to live with, they are all the same. I can so completely relate to you. I have been on this journey for five years, searching for answers but all total 9 years in the relationship.

They use us for our strength and what we have to offer without conscious nor effort nor appreciation because they don’t have those ‘inner workings’ and ‘values’ the same as we do. They don’t care like we do. They are broken in their hearts and minds. We can’t save THEM but we can save ourselves and our children. We must make OURSELVES strong within and that is not an easy task but one that is eventually so very rewarding. Learning how to NOT cry and feel horrid, 24/7 – NOT being a mess every time I open my eyes in the morning! I have literally had to retrain myself to do just every day normal functional things after my experience. I have been in counseling for going on 5 years now. It wasn’t just my spath experience but a lifetime of dysfunction and traumas, from a small child. That past life set me up for this nightmare with spath. I am sure of it now.

We can’t change them but we sure can change ourselves. 😉

Let them have their vileness, I say. I am walking into the light and I don’t care what they do because we all have CHOICES and one of mine is NOT living that way anymore.

YOU WILL get your self esteem back, Trista. YOU WILL if you want to. They didn’t take that person we are inside. That person is still there. It just has to learn to LIVE again. xxoo

Welcome Trista…stick around…the people here are awesome!
They have helped me sooooooooooooooo much.

*BLESSINGS TRISTA*

Duped

superkid10

Donna

Good for you. Own the word, tell the story! I am thrilled that the press is picking up on this. The story can only be told from the point of view of a victim. People who look from the outside can NOT understand it.

All,

I ran across a great article in The Economist this week that is linked to LoveFraud concerns. The article is about physiognomy, the idea is that “character” is etched into an individual’s face. There are recent studies that suggest that features do matter, and that they can predict dishonesty and provoke orgasm. These studies were done at the U of Wisconsin-Milwaukee and was published.

There are also studies that are coming out in “Evolution and Human Behavior” by David Puts at Penn State that are related.

We all have have had discussions about the similarity in our sociopath’s physical features. It appears our anecdotal experience may be rooted in actual science. Here is a link to the article “Facing The Truth, Why a man’s face can lie but still produce orgasms”.

http://www.economist.com/node/18925759

Superkid10

Louise

Joanie:

You say your X spath was drop dead gorgeous. My mom had always told me to never be with a gorgeous man because every woman would want him…she was right. It’s a curse. Luckily, I never went after looks with a man, but my X spath is very cute. Not drop dead gorgeous, but there is something about him without a doubt.

Louise

skylar:

Yeah, I hope mine ends up fat, bald and ugly!! Man, would that be revenge!!

skylar

Superkid,
interesting article, thanks. My exP would definitely fit the ratio. He has a very broad face.

Louise

SK:

Thanks. Just read the article. Very interesting. My X spath also has a wide face…skylar says hers did, too. Weird. My X spath was wide, but small at the same time. Hmmmm. Who knows, but interesting read anyway.

maverickwest

Great that love fraud is becoming a household word! Three years ago, thought sociopaths were like serial killers.. Hannibal Lector types… how little did I know that the very person who professed their love for me, was behind my back stealing my money, my credit and my sanity. I got out, but not without major battle wounds. He is still to this day abusing me through the court system… Got a whack in the face yesterday with how he interpreted the law and did things his way… he has caused me great harm, as I now no longer have a job, shaky confidence, money bleeding through my hands and credit that is the pits! Why, because I was a nice girl, who believed that people can change, that love cures all…. and that people tell the truth… Please send up prayers today as I deal with the latest lawsuit development… I can tell people don’t mess with a sociopath and the legal system… you will not get the outcome you hoped for…

candy

Maverick – Hi. Not seen you for a while. Sounds like you are having a really rough time. Yep, we learned the hard lesson that love DOES NOT cure all.

Stay strong, I know it may not feel like it at the moment BUT a door will open for you soon. Good luck with the lawsuit.

superkid10

Skylar

It wasn’t long ago that my spath finally showed me pictures of his parents (both now deceased).

His mother had a number of mental illnesses, and his father, like himself, now that I think about it, had a very very wide face.

Combining the wide face theory with the high testosterone theory….I dunno…..leading indicators?

SK

behind_blue_eyes

SK;

While both my x-spath and I have very, very similar faces, I am relived that his is indeed “wider” and in general more round whereas mine is more longer and more angular.

This is very evident in the 5 and 10 year old pictures he uses online.

It blows my mind that each time I learn something new about sociopathic or toxic individuals, it fits him.

skylar

Superkid,
I agree, there might be a connection. I don’t think testosterone is a cause but it might be an aggravating factor.

For example,

Blanchard and Klassen (1997) reported that each older brother increases the odds of a man being gay by 33%.[19][20] This is now “one of the most reliable epidemiological variables ever identified in the study of sexual orientation.”[21] To explain this finding, it has been proposed that male fetuses provoke a maternal immune reaction that becomes stronger with each successive male fetus. Male fetuses produce HY antigens which are “almost certainly involved in the sexual differentiation of vertebrates.” It is this antigen which maternal H-Y antibodies are proposed to both react to and ‘remember’. Successive male fetuses are then attacked by H-Y antibodies which somehow decrease the ability of H-Y antigens to perform their usual function in brain masculinisation.[19] However the theory has been criticized because symptoms which would be typical of such effects are rare compared with prevalence of homosexuality

My exSpath had 3 brothers born before him. He was definitely very masculine looking and muscular. He is a sex addict. He is attracted sexually to anything, male or female.
I can imagine that these feelings would have been very confusing to a boy born into a redneck family of 6 boys on a farm. Add his psychopath father and grandfather and doormat mother into the mix… and you have a perfect recipe for a spath.

candy

Trista – Hi

’I was victim of a man my son believes is a sociopath’ if your son says this he is probably right. My kids tried to tell me ”“ but I was in denial. I did not want to burst the bubble of ’happiness’. Reading your story it was almost like reading, word for word, my ex spath.

’I thought he was bipolar and had sociopathic traits’. Yep, we have all tried to ’find’ a diagnosis that fits. There’s a sliding rule when it comes to spaths. Some are more spathy than others.

’He went all over me for ages, talking sex, wanting to be with me, treating me like an special person, phoning, writting emails, and eventually meeting me many times a week and sleeping with me’ ”“ this is called love-bombing and they all do it.

’Later in the relationship he started showing his fangs, destructing everything, taking lots and lots of money from me unshamedelly, asking for lendings’ ”“ this is when the mask falls and we see them for what they are.

’crying on the phone for medical reasons’ – this is known as the ’pity me ploy.

’terrible tamtrum, didnt speak to me for a day, treating me like absolute trash- this meant you are stepping out of line and he needed to let you know that he was in control.

’Finally I relented and gave him a good sum of money’ ”“ bingo, he got what he wanted.

’You might think that Im really gullible’ ”“ nope we DO NOT think that at all. You were tricked.
’to help him if he is without money of a job’ ”“ I can relate to this.

’I have also payed for trips, he knew that I would pay absoutely everything’ ”“ he saw you as a golden goose and he wanted your golden eggs.

’He also got clothes, shoes, a mobile, a computer and case, many dinners, I mean MANY, towels, sheets, a camera that he conveniently lost (i think he sold it), a coffee machine and many more things I gave him’ ”“ yep I did this too.

’he suddenly dropped me sexually saying the other woman was better than me’ ”“ NO the other woman is NOT better than you. He realised that you could see his mask falling so he gets out and finds someone who WILL give him his next fix ie money, sex, holidays. It’s what they do.

’that he prefers love than money’ ”“ he cannot love. He does not have the capacity and he definitely has no conscience.

’I should add that Im an intelligent, beautiful woman, I have a good job, Im a good calm person, sexy and I take care of myself’ ”“ none of this matters to him. It’s not about YOU it’s about HIM.

’he cheated constantly and left four children without a father’ ”“ that’s spath, creates a load of shite and moves on.

’do not hold hands or kiss , ever’ ”“ he can’t because he gets no ’joy’ from this.

’Sex is mechanic’ ”“ you were just an object, a sex toy. They HAVE sex, but they cannot make love. They have no emotion.
’he does not want anything to do with me apart from friendsip’ BIG RED FLAG. This means that he wnts to keep you on the back-burner just incase the current girlfriend dumps him. NO CONTACT is your only escape.

’saying the most wonderful things about me, promising the world’ ”“ yeah right?! Most of the people on LF can relate to THIS old line.

’I’ll never get back the money’ ”“ nope. Don’t even bother trying.

’The pain in unbeliavable’ ”“ today is day one of your healing journey. Stay and learn.

superkid10

Candy

Well done. I hope Trista reads your post and benefits from it.
I could have written Trista’s note myself. The fact that you took it apart piece by piece – it could have been my story as well.

Yesterday I looked at some very old emails from my spath. At the time, I was DEEP into depression. I was in constant emotional pain. I was in total love with the man. And yet in the same day, he

1. Said he loved me so deeply he couldn’t possibly express it
2. Told me he didn’t want to see me ever again
3. Refused to answer my phone call, said not to come by or “things would end badly”
4. Changed the subject, and started talking about the stock market

And at the time I was just barely surviving, hanging on every word, jumping for joy when he said he loved me, crying in confusion when he mysteriously pulled away.

He could do all of that – cause all of that pain – because he had no emotion towards me. He enjoyed the control and manipulation. He got off on hurting me.

My spath never wanted money. He has millions. He just wanted a plaything.

He made it seem like he was charming, fun, interesting, and that we had common interests. We do have some common interests, but his personality is anything BUT charming. He is negative, he is a dweeb, he has no friends, he’s a loner, and he’s lazy.

I can’t even believe I suggested myself to that.

Anyway, well done.

SK

Louise

SK:

Kind of sounds like mine! Except he never professed all those feelings for me.

Ana

Skylar,
I hope mine winds up lonley, fat and bald…and it’s a woman!

skylar

SK,
How can you know that you had common interests? They lie about everything. It’s likely he was mirroring you.

Back_from_the_edge

[email protected] – you so crack me up!
“I hope mine winds up lonely, fat and bald…and it’s a woman!” 🙂

You are so cute. xxoo

I hope mine ~ well, I can’t say what I hope mine ends up like.
This is a ‘clean’ blog. 😉 And it’s a “IT”! 😉

Back_from_the_edge

superkid: I wanted to respond to your post:

“…And yet in the same day, he:

1. Said he loved me so deeply he couldn’t possibly express it
2. Told me he didn’t want to see me ever again
3. Refused to answer my phone call, said not to come by or “things would end badly”
4. Changed the subject, and started talking about the stock market

And at the time I was just barely surviving, hanging on every word, jumping for joy when he said he loved me, crying in confusion when he mysteriously pulled away.

He could do all of that ”“ cause all of that pain ”“ because he had no emotion towards me. He enjoyed the control and manipulation. He got off on hurting me.”

I feel like we are talking about the exact same person. I am beyond shocked. Do they all have the same ‘canned’ emotions and responses? Are they alien beings trying to infiltrate our society? Where are these ‘people’ coming from???

This is like a bad horror movie. You know the kind I mean…the “C” class ones? Ever see one of those? I saw this one, once, about a being from outer space and all the being was, WAS 3 guys running around with a blanket on their head making alien noises. And how do they KNOW those were alien noises? I mean, let’s get real. 🙂 hahahaha

Hope I made you laugh. 🙂

It’s just a huge crock is what it is and they don’t deserve our thoughts even. So turn it off and tell the world to move over because we are coming out of this ring of fire and none of these ‘beings’ need stand in our way.

***BIG HUGS superkid***

Duped

behind_blue_eyes

Ana;

Funny, one of the things that caused me to have great empathy towards the x-spath was the realization that once he reached his mid-30s, he started to age really fast. I even saw pictures taken while he was on vacation less than a year before we met and there was an obvious difference.

So, I felt sorry for him, especially knowing how important a “youthful” appearance is for a gay man. Thus, I don’t have to wish anything upon him, it is already happening to a degree that I know concerns him deeply.

superkid10

Duped

Maybe they had similar personality profiles.

My spath spent hia money on me (yes, he was super cheap, but it was on his dime, not mine).

I still hurt at the loss of what I thought I had. I guess that’s why most of us are here, huh?

SK

superkid10

Skylar

To answer your question, how can I say that we had common interests…..to a large degree we do not, but there are some sports we have in common, which I do know for a fact from the clubs he belonged to, and what not…

I know my spath has interests which absolutely BORE me. Military history, programming, analytics, guns, wilderness survival, etc. Very manly, severe interests. And recently he said he doesn’t like people – that he doesn’t find them very interesting. How whacked is that.

I did a TON of sleuthing on my spath. I know the truth about a LOT.

Like I said, I believe he’s schizoid. He had this weird thing, when we were together – usually brief periods – he couldn’t just sit calmly and hold my hand. He was always moving, always super tense, always changing the subject, always had to have something else going on (noise, other people, etc). There couldn’t be quiet, calm, uninterrupted conversation. He would absolutely panic. You could feel the tension just sitting next to him. He’d jump up, “oh, I have to show you this”. or “Oh, let’s go sit over there”. Some sort of wierd anxiety based problem I guess.

But when he wanted to, he’d put on his “charmer” mask, and be 100 percent full on seduction mode. In your face, touching you, manipulating, faking.

🙁

superkid10

Ugh, I wish I could post all his damned emails to this site to let everybody in the world see what a knucklehead loser he is. I think I need to cry tonight.

SK

Back_from_the_edge

Don’t cry superkid. SNAP OUT OF IT! xxoo 🙂
You are coming through with drawl and maybe it will help to realize that. THAT and the fact that you are an amazing person and don’t need “IT” to be the superstar you truly ARE! And don’t you forget it either, superkid.

Yes, they sound similar. I always thought that in addition to MINE being a P-S path, it may have had something like bi polar – something mean and ugly like that. I was completely aware of THAT personality after having dated a marvelous man, once, who was quite bi polar and hence the demise of our relationship. You would have thought I would have recognized the traits but there were none for a long, long, long time, and then suddenly it was like the exorcist. I kid you not. And it directed all of it’s hatred and disdain directly at me for no reason other than it could. Try that on!

I have always said that if I had done something to actually DESERVE this, I could at least justify to myself: “Hey, you know, you were a complete schmuck! You earned this.” But I haven’t and I don’t think any of us have. If we did deserve it, we wouldn’t be here, right now, bleeding our hearts out. And, THAT ladies and gentlemen, IS the meat of the matter – they are not like us. They are not ‘wired’ like we are to feel human compassion and emotion. Look at “US”: we are on the brink of mania because we care…where are they? Point.

It’s okay to stop grieving. Tell your heart that it is okay. You have to. If you don’t, you will end up like I have: with a TRULY, PHYSICALLY broken heart. I have never been so devastated in my entire life and I have seen and been through A LOT. NEVER have I EVER met ANYONE like “IT” before. NEVER. It is very scarey and very creepy to think I let it that close to me and it almost snatched my life from me in more ways than one.

Don’t cry, superkid…realize all of the potential your life has now without all that chaos and drama around it. We can breathe again and maybe find ourselves. hmm? I just turned 60 in May and gosh darn, I never thought I would have to start rebuilding myself again at this late stage but once you get past the initial pain of it all, you will be alright. Don’t grieve too much. It will hurt you more.

I HOPE my x P-Spath MARRIES “IT#2” IMMEDIATELY so that they can devour one another completely. THAT is what they BOTH deserve.

**HUGS & KISSES SUPERKID**

DUPED

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