In my post last week, I referred to an article on Salon.com called, Facebook status: In a scam relationship. The article starts with an anecdote about a guy who met a woman on Myspace. She supposedly lived in Ghana and proclaimed her love, then told him a hard luck story. He sent her a total of $14,000, even though they never met. The person did not exist. The guy was scammed.
After relating the anecdote, the article stated, “He’s a victim of what’s called ”˜love fraud.’”
I had two reactions to that sentence. The first was, “Wow—”˜love fraud’ has entered the lexicon.” The second was, “This writer doesn’t get it—love fraud is not limited to cyber scams.”
Then, a few days ago, I received an inquiry from a television talk show producer who is considering doing an episode about “love fraud.” He Googled, “love fraud,” and of course, immediately landed on this website and blog. He too, however, seemed to think that love fraud was limited to fake romances conducted over the Internet, which turn out to be money scams.
It’s time to set the record straight.
When I learned that my ex-husband, James Montgomery, was a sociopath, and that millions of sociopaths were out in the world putting peoples’ lives through a meat grinder, as had happened to me, I realized that the public needed to be educated. Although I was in the midst of my divorce and couldn’t immediately embark on an education program, I decided that I would eventually build a website.
So 12 years ago, on August 7, 1999, I reserved the domain name, “Lovefraud.com.” If you want proof, check the Who Is information.
Lovefraud.com launched on July 20, 2005. Our logo is trademarked. “Love fraud” is my term. Therefore, I will define it:
Love fraud is the intentional exploitation of an individual through manipulating emotions and trust in a personal relationship. The exploitative relationship is frequently romantic, but can also be between family members, friends and associates. The relationship can take place in real life, or exist only through communications media. The people who engage in love fraud are sociopaths.
For years, I’ve heard from people who want to tell me about their “love frauds.” In fact, I have collected more than 2,500 cases of people who tangled with sociopaths. Yes, I’ve heard about online scams. But I’ve also heard about betrayal by high school sweethearts, long-term spouses, family members, first dates, co-workers and business partners. This type of exploitation is widespread. In fact, it is epidemic.
So to all you bloggers and journalists who are suddenly interested in love fraud—this is not just an online money scam. Love fraud occurs any time a disordered individual uses a personal relationship of trust for the sole purpose of exploitation. Unfortunately, it happens much more frequently than most of us realize.
Ox Drover
Mostly, I completely agree with your very firm stance on No Contact.
Right this moment, however, I’m in a slightly different space. I allowed NC to break. And he started all his crap. He said that I’m the only woman for him, that I’m the one he loves, that I’m the one he wants to rely on….blah blah blah…and he started coming on to me, hot and heavy, sexually. I did resist.
It was a good experience in a way, in that I could see the whole scene in a detached way. And it turned me off and made me disinterested (and sort of brought up the anger again that he had me SO damn DUPED!). Anger at myself for my stupidity and anger at him for being so selfish that he just RAN OVER ME to get his needs met.
So the contact made me say “yuck”…..rather than sitting here, wistfully thinking about him and fantasizing and obsessing.
So, in a way, breaking NC served a good purpose.
I will argue though that maybe I got my “fix” and that the need for a “fix” again will rear it’s ugly head, so in the long run of course, you are right. It needs to be NC all the way.
I don’t know what DUPED is doing to pursue “IT”, but I’d sure like some way to make my spath lose his precious money. What else is there that would hurt him?
Maybe the best revenge is a life well lived, and I’m going to do THAT come hell or high water.
Superkid
Dear SK,
That is the best “revenge” and I definitely advise that is the thing that will help heal you. Seeking revenge is usually FUTILE and only hurts US and doesn’t really hurt them.
Erin Brock keeps up with her X but as a protective thing,, the way I keep up with mine to make sure that I am SAFE…but if your X is not stalking you with a gun iin his hand, TOTAL COMPLETE NC IS THE WAY…if he is, then you need to be AWARE of where he is and what he is doing, but still NOT “contact” as far as talking or listening to him.
PUT YOURSELF FIRST—take care of YOU and then your “need” for contact with him will diminish. (((hugs))))
SUPERKID!!!!!!!!!!!
If there is one reason to keep NC it’s because of things like that. Your spath is a freak and now he has prints on the gun. I hope at least you didn’t put your finger on the trigger.
Jayzus!
Superkid,
If I were there I would EAT a big drippy ice cream cone, it was 103 today, it has only been LESS THAN 100 degrees 1 out of the last 30 days or so….I am melting.
As for the gun “episode” he is using that to threaten you….and you know, he may not be “dangerous” (intend to kill you) but he has thought about it or he wouldn’t have done the gun episode.
DO NOT POKE THIS GUY and give him any more narcissistic injury than you have to but you MUST MUST ****,MUST*** REMAIN TOTALLY NC-0–NO CONTACT, ZIP, ZERO, ETC.
It also wouldn’t hurt you to contact your local police and tell them that you are afraid of him, and that if anything happens to you, to go after HIM. But “revenge”????? NAH, I WOULD FORGO THAT and just keep yourself safe. HOpefully, he will go on to his next victim sooner if you remain NO contact. Believe me, I have to keep armed and VERY careful, and even defending myself gives mine more rage….he wants me dead, DEAD….but at least I survived the first big attack and put two of his buddies in prison, they are both out now, but they won’t be back, both of them lost and neither of them wants another round with me….but NOTHING will ever deter my Psychopathic son if he can figure out any way to get to me….even if he knew it would cost him is own life, he would still figure he had “won” if he offed me. I made a BIG mistake in threatening to fight his parole (I did) but it only made him madder and more determined to get me. .HE sees it as revenge, I see it as self protection….so be careful not to provoke him if you can, but CONTACT is a BIG NO NO!!!! It is the only defense you have. If you remain NC and he keeps on contacting you, you may have to file an order of protection, but try to avoid that if you can. DO NOT give in to allowing contact though. It only makes him keep up the harassment. Good luck and God bless ((Hugs)))
Oh wow: superkid, listen to Ox…
absolutely. unequivocally: no more contact with this person.
and going to law enforcement and making them aware will help.
EXCELLENT ADVICE OX: thanks so much…
xxoo
To Skylar: You wrote “it is as though they are trying to escape themselves”
That is saying it perfectly.
I never understood why the guys I have been with wanted noise from the time they get up until the time they go to bed. It drove me nuts! I don’t want the tv going until 7:00 pm for a movie. Whereas they want noise, noise, noise all day long ….but it better not be noise of kids! What is the deal with that? Kids provide green noise — it doesn’t run up the electric bill.
superkid: my spath tried to kill me in more ways than one. I can’t talk about it right now but there are going to be some pretty heavy criminal charges coming down. it wasn’t easy and puts me at risk. i would not recommend that anyone do this. litigation takes a long time and in the meantime, it will continue to over ride your life. i refuse to let that happen. it will be dealt with at my demise. when i pass, ‘it’s’ hell will just begin. IT sentenced me to something so horrid I can’t talk about it right now. But I will, in time.
superkid: i hope you got your resolution today. sort of reminds me how I got mine. don’t look back. you know that’s not good for you and you know that you don’t want to walk that path. I never thought i would ever survive NC. We were joined at the hip but it was in an unhealthy way…a mind controlling sort of way. I got my resolution because I made myself one.
If you go back, it is only going to be more of the same.
They never change although we like to think they can.
I am on month 3 of NC…3 months of NC on this coming Monday and it has been even more important for me to have this time to myself to make ‘adjustments’ in myself…my attitudes…I will NEVER go back. Be careful superkid. You are scaring me.
Love ~ Duped
SK:
Yeah, the whole gun thing creeped me out!!!! Stay away from him, please????
Duped: I LUV your post’s! Every time you describe “IT” I want to ROTF and LOL!!!
Zimzoomit: My ex shared a lot of trait’s with yours. He was a big he whore and loved seducing married women. In the short year we were married he almost got himself shot by many husbands of his victims. I’m still shocked he’s alive.
I’m waiting for the day someone does him in. Mine also got off on the pain he inflicted on his women and always used the new woman to torment the last not knowing she would have her day as well. I remember reading Drew Peterson would do this. Use the new woman to torment his ex.
Behind Blue Eyes: When you say “sort of Sociopath” are you referring to “secondary sociopaths?”
They are capable of feeling remorse and can maintain a relationship with one partner. A lot of “emotional batterer’s”
or men involved in domestic violence are “secondary sociopaths.”
Louise: My mother never told me to stay away from the pretty boys. Not all the beautiful people are sociopaths however I find a large percentage of them are and every woman I know that was married to a handsome man always had problems with other women. My daughter commented to me she always see’s the most plain Jane women with all the successful guys and I told her that’s because pretty spouses usually bring trouble into a marriage.LOL! Just the other day on a talk show some female celebrity said, her mother told her to look for an average looking guy and avoid the pretty boys. I think she’s right.
Joanie:
Yep, you got it. It’s kind of common sense to me. If you are married to a gorgeous or charming man, all the women are going to want him and then there is trouble. My X spath’s wife is on the ugly side. Can’t figure out how that happened, but it happens all the time. I look at all the trouble she has had because she is married to an adorable, charming guy. My mom was definnitely right about that one!