In my post last week, I referred to an article on Salon.com called, Facebook status: In a scam relationship. The article starts with an anecdote about a guy who met a woman on Myspace. She supposedly lived in Ghana and proclaimed her love, then told him a hard luck story. He sent her a total of $14,000, even though they never met. The person did not exist. The guy was scammed.
After relating the anecdote, the article stated, “He’s a victim of what’s called ”˜love fraud.’”
I had two reactions to that sentence. The first was, “Wow—”˜love fraud’ has entered the lexicon.” The second was, “This writer doesn’t get it—love fraud is not limited to cyber scams.”
Then, a few days ago, I received an inquiry from a television talk show producer who is considering doing an episode about “love fraud.” He Googled, “love fraud,” and of course, immediately landed on this website and blog. He too, however, seemed to think that love fraud was limited to fake romances conducted over the Internet, which turn out to be money scams.
It’s time to set the record straight.
When I learned that my ex-husband, James Montgomery, was a sociopath, and that millions of sociopaths were out in the world putting peoples’ lives through a meat grinder, as had happened to me, I realized that the public needed to be educated. Although I was in the midst of my divorce and couldn’t immediately embark on an education program, I decided that I would eventually build a website.
So 12 years ago, on August 7, 1999, I reserved the domain name, “Lovefraud.com.” If you want proof, check the Who Is information.
Lovefraud.com launched on July 20, 2005. Our logo is trademarked. “Love fraud” is my term. Therefore, I will define it:
Love fraud is the intentional exploitation of an individual through manipulating emotions and trust in a personal relationship. The exploitative relationship is frequently romantic, but can also be between family members, friends and associates. The relationship can take place in real life, or exist only through communications media. The people who engage in love fraud are sociopaths.
For years, I’ve heard from people who want to tell me about their “love frauds.” In fact, I have collected more than 2,500 cases of people who tangled with sociopaths. Yes, I’ve heard about online scams. But I’ve also heard about betrayal by high school sweethearts, long-term spouses, family members, first dates, co-workers and business partners. This type of exploitation is widespread. In fact, it is epidemic.
So to all you bloggers and journalists who are suddenly interested in love fraud—this is not just an online money scam. Love fraud occurs any time a disordered individual uses a personal relationship of trust for the sole purpose of exploitation. Unfortunately, it happens much more frequently than most of us realize.
Louise: And the martyr wife or the one who stays in a long-term relationship with the spath usually ends up in an early grave.
This is what happened to the first wife of my aunt’s spath.
Remember I discussed my aunt’s marriage to a spath at 16.
My aunt was a very pretty girl. A beautiful blue-eyed blond.
An older spath of 32 married her when she was 16.
He had been previously married to his first wife whom he had a son with. When they divorced he married my aunt. His ex-wife lived in Chicago my aunt lived in NY. When he deserted my aunt he went back to his first wife but never remarried her legally.
He continued to have affairs with one woman after another until his ex-wife died from grief. She couldn’t pull herself away from him the 2nd time around but she died from grief from all his affairs. She eventually had a heart attack and died young.
Joanie:
Wow, sad story. I got a funny feeling over my whole body when I read it. They really can ruin a person…mind, body and soul.
Sounds like DUPED who had a heart attack because of that evil spath!!! 🙁
How did your aunt end up in all of it?? I hope she came out well.
well friends, it’s late but i wanted to tell you all something. I did someone a favour recently and she wanted to reciprocate by making me dinner. since i am hobbling about she brought it to me tonight. i have been working long and frustrating hours and i am very lonely. she came over and we ate and talked and I asked her about how she grew up. i listened and told her a bit about my background….and at some point i told her about the spath. and what had happened. it was hard. and i felt incredibly vulnerable. it really made me see that i have so much more healing to do – made me feel bad, too. i felt so negative relaying some things. i felt so damaged as i tired to relate some things.
it went well though, even though it freaked me out a bit, and saddened me a lot, her response was good. she was shocked and considerate and it didn’t make her draw away. i feel very very tired for it. it made my adrenaline rush a bit.
i am a bit sad and sick tonight…toxins are high and i had acupuncture for my poor feet and my kidneys and i am sure my body is processing it. the infrared sauna is broken and it’s been weeks, and I really need to go for a sauna. tomorrow i will look for another one in town. i hope tomorrow will have some brightness in it, and that all that happened today moves through me in a positive way and leaves me better for it.
My aunt remarried another guy. She stayed married to him for years. Eventually he died and the spath returned to my aunt in his old age. He was dying but my aunt didn’t know it.
He died and my aunt had to pay his funeral expenses because his son wouldn’t claim the body.
My aunt is buried next to the spath because her second husband chose to be buried next to his first wife.
one/joy:
I’m glad you were able to open up and share with someone. I know the feeling though…it makes us feel bad for quite awhile after it. Take care…HUGS.
Joanie:
I don’t remember reading this story from before. Wow! So the spath came back years later and he was dying? Boy, they always do come back, don’t they??
So his son didn’t want anything to do with him apparently. What a twisted web…thanks for sharing this.
Louise: Yea, Most often spaths are hated by their adult children when the kids mature & realize how they destroyed every one around them.
One Joy Step,
That was actually a good thing that you talked about your spath with someone. She was considerate and kind to you it sounds like. Yes, the adrenalene with flow with the telling, but you got it out and good for you! Making yourself vunerable took great amouts of courage One. Please NOTICE that about yourself.
Now, those poooor feet of yours! I have it too One Joy. Mine does not sound as bad as yours tho. I’ve had it about two and half years…Sometimes, in the morning I use heat to help relax the tendons..a moist heating pad, a tub of warm water, it helps. Then at night, after being on my feet all day I have to use Ice to reduce the swelling. Laying on my back and stretching my legs, while twirling my toe toes in a circle…that helps me.
I wish so bad that you could remove yourself from those toxins. It sounds awful. But you manage well and you seem to know how to treat yourself, keep your best wellbeing in the forefront.
Peace,
Ana
OneJoy,
I wonder if it will always be that way for us.
I began to tell some people on another blog, my story. I got many positive responses and gratitude from people who had experienced similar. Others were just grateful to know what redflags to look for. But there were the spaths. They always come out of the woodwork on other blogs. It makes them mad to hear me dissecting their strategies. LOL! I explained the Charm, Pity and Rage. I explained that no matter how smart the spath is, they can’t help being a 3 trick pony. Even my spath, who seems to be so amazing and larger than life to everyone who knows him, is just a 3 trick pony when it boils down. They will never be anything else.
LOL! it burns them up to hear me say that, because they see the truth in it. heheeeheee.
BTW,
I’m sure I’ve asked you before but I can’t remember if you are gluten free.
Joanie:
Yeah, I can imagine that once children are old enough to realize what really went on while they were growing up, they no longer want any contact with the spath parent. Hmmmm, I wonder if that will happen with my X spath’s kids?