In my post last week, I referred to an article on Salon.com called, Facebook status: In a scam relationship. The article starts with an anecdote about a guy who met a woman on Myspace. She supposedly lived in Ghana and proclaimed her love, then told him a hard luck story. He sent her a total of $14,000, even though they never met. The person did not exist. The guy was scammed.
After relating the anecdote, the article stated, “He’s a victim of what’s called ”˜love fraud.’”
I had two reactions to that sentence. The first was, “Wow—”˜love fraud’ has entered the lexicon.” The second was, “This writer doesn’t get it—love fraud is not limited to cyber scams.”
Then, a few days ago, I received an inquiry from a television talk show producer who is considering doing an episode about “love fraud.” He Googled, “love fraud,” and of course, immediately landed on this website and blog. He too, however, seemed to think that love fraud was limited to fake romances conducted over the Internet, which turn out to be money scams.
It’s time to set the record straight.
When I learned that my ex-husband, James Montgomery, was a sociopath, and that millions of sociopaths were out in the world putting peoples’ lives through a meat grinder, as had happened to me, I realized that the public needed to be educated. Although I was in the midst of my divorce and couldn’t immediately embark on an education program, I decided that I would eventually build a website.
So 12 years ago, on August 7, 1999, I reserved the domain name, “Lovefraud.com.” If you want proof, check the Who Is information.
Lovefraud.com launched on July 20, 2005. Our logo is trademarked. “Love fraud” is my term. Therefore, I will define it:
Love fraud is the intentional exploitation of an individual through manipulating emotions and trust in a personal relationship. The exploitative relationship is frequently romantic, but can also be between family members, friends and associates. The relationship can take place in real life, or exist only through communications media. The people who engage in love fraud are sociopaths.
For years, I’ve heard from people who want to tell me about their “love frauds.” In fact, I have collected more than 2,500 cases of people who tangled with sociopaths. Yes, I’ve heard about online scams. But I’ve also heard about betrayal by high school sweethearts, long-term spouses, family members, first dates, co-workers and business partners. This type of exploitation is widespread. In fact, it is epidemic.
So to all you bloggers and journalists who are suddenly interested in love fraud—this is not just an online money scam. Love fraud occurs any time a disordered individual uses a personal relationship of trust for the sole purpose of exploitation. Unfortunately, it happens much more frequently than most of us realize.
Skylar! LOL
Yep, it must burn their ass^s. To see it all laid out in front of them….lolol snort, chortle, choke! Keep on giving it to them. Because you know they deserve it. Good for you for getting their panties in a twist…lol
Louise, Thanks for the heads up that this might me feel crappy for a while. I was relating to her story so told her some similar things from my youth (her dad is an n also). but it was weird ;cause i haven’t told anyone THOSE things in years (I am about 25 years older than she is, and we have worked on a couple of small community projects together). made me realize how far inside this spath drama i still am, and the drama of this place that i live.
Ana – i WILL notice that it was significant. i felt so vulnerable. and at kept censoring what i was saying (no one has enough time to here the whole gory story) trying to figure out as i went what was important and what would just confuse things without further explanation.
one of the good things that came out of it was that we eneded up talking about something that i talked to the spath about extensively. something i am interested in and probably haven’t spoken to anyone about since. it took me 15 minutes to find the book i had bought during the spath and literally hidden the last time i changed my bookshelves from one room to the other. So i opened the door a crack, on something that had been opened up within just before the spath, that the spath exploited full on. that was scary, but good.
the acupuncture helped my feet. they are less tender today. but after having my kidneys needles i feel like a toxic wasteland. so, today I juice!
must go, work is looming.
sky – i am right now. well, more wheat free actually. i have lots of knowledge of what wheat does to me ( gluten itself doesn’t seem to be a problem). i have been going through really good shifts around eating, and one of them is that i am eating very little grains at all LOTS of organic veg and fruits (and some org. meat and chicken, eggs, tuna, and olive oil with some lower cal snack choices when i feel the need. other than raw honey, sugar is almost non existent in my diet.)
i do blog regularly about spathy on another blog (that I know my spath reads) not specifically my story, but lots of it gets in there. it’s moderated though so i don’t deal with much spath react about the things i say. telling someone in real life was different. vulnerability in the face of acceptance is very different than vulnerability in the face of dismissal.
Louise;
Knowing that both my x-spath’s parents died before they reached 50 from cancer, and that he drinks, smokes and takes “recreational drugs” and is probably HIV+, this is my biggest fear regarding the x-spath, especially since my last email to him was so warm and kind.
Stress relief management and making time for the important things in our lives:
http://stress.about.com/b/2011/07/27/make-time-for-the-important-things-in-life.htm?nl=1
Hugs ~ Dupedster
BBE:
Sounds like his years may really be numbered…yikes.
I think I shared this before, but my X spath feels like he will die at 54. He said his grandfather died at 54 and his dad died at 54 (Leukemia). And he is definitely an alcoholic albeit a “highly functioning” one. I used to pray for him a lot. I don’t really anymore. If he does die at 54, he has 10 years…time is running out.
Louise: It’s not always a given that they’ll return. Yes, my aunt’s spath returned in old age but it really depends on what their needs are. Who’s still around, or available. Is the past spouse dead or remarried? Then there’s the concern does the spouse really want them back in their life.
Sometimes the spath did so much damage and the unforgiveable
so much the ex spouse doesn’t want them back. I know Donna never wants James back.
Mine conned me to marry another plus in middle age I have minor health concerns and I wouldn’t want the spath making me sicker or putting me in a grave. My health was deteriorating enough when I was young living with him.
He was the “pyschic vampire” variety or the “soul sucker.”
I don’t think I could physically live with him again.
A lot of women were so hurt by their spath even though they loved them they probably never want to see them again.
So in old age even though the spath has mellowed the issue comes up who is willing to take the abuse again be it lightly or fully.
Been processing childhood trauma this week. Got a big piece this morning regarding P.
I was with P for 6 months and did not have sex until the fifth month. It was after that he began to destroy me and turn me into trash in his head and I unconsciously soaked it in. He would say things that made no sense to me, one comment that has particularly been haunting over the last two years. Got it today….he was turning me into a dirt bag for sleeping with him, a dirtbag. I get it, that is how predators think. They know deep down they are monsters.
Also got it that my dad did the same thing. In his mind I was trash bc he had sexually assaulted me. That is how he instilled his rage and shame and pain in me.
I am feeling the pure horror of being in the vicinity of a psychopath. Not being enmeshed with their shame illuminates the true monster and the pain they inflict on everyone around them. I am feeling it and discharging the poison.
So grateful to finally get it on a cellular level that it was never about me and that there was not one thing I could have done to get P’s respect. The gift of pain..freedom.
Dear Sopris ~ sending love and light your way. Feeling the pain is truly a step on the way to total freedom from spath. (((hugs)))
h2h