In my post last week, I referred to an article on Salon.com called, Facebook status: In a scam relationship. The article starts with an anecdote about a guy who met a woman on Myspace. She supposedly lived in Ghana and proclaimed her love, then told him a hard luck story. He sent her a total of $14,000, even though they never met. The person did not exist. The guy was scammed.
After relating the anecdote, the article stated, “He’s a victim of what’s called ”˜love fraud.’”
I had two reactions to that sentence. The first was, “Wow—”˜love fraud’ has entered the lexicon.” The second was, “This writer doesn’t get it—love fraud is not limited to cyber scams.”
Then, a few days ago, I received an inquiry from a television talk show producer who is considering doing an episode about “love fraud.” He Googled, “love fraud,” and of course, immediately landed on this website and blog. He too, however, seemed to think that love fraud was limited to fake romances conducted over the Internet, which turn out to be money scams.
It’s time to set the record straight.
When I learned that my ex-husband, James Montgomery, was a sociopath, and that millions of sociopaths were out in the world putting peoples’ lives through a meat grinder, as had happened to me, I realized that the public needed to be educated. Although I was in the midst of my divorce and couldn’t immediately embark on an education program, I decided that I would eventually build a website.
So 12 years ago, on August 7, 1999, I reserved the domain name, “Lovefraud.com.” If you want proof, check the Who Is information.
Lovefraud.com launched on July 20, 2005. Our logo is trademarked. “Love fraud” is my term. Therefore, I will define it:
Love fraud is the intentional exploitation of an individual through manipulating emotions and trust in a personal relationship. The exploitative relationship is frequently romantic, but can also be between family members, friends and associates. The relationship can take place in real life, or exist only through communications media. The people who engage in love fraud are sociopaths.
For years, I’ve heard from people who want to tell me about their “love frauds.” In fact, I have collected more than 2,500 cases of people who tangled with sociopaths. Yes, I’ve heard about online scams. But I’ve also heard about betrayal by high school sweethearts, long-term spouses, family members, first dates, co-workers and business partners. This type of exploitation is widespread. In fact, it is epidemic.
So to all you bloggers and journalists who are suddenly interested in love fraud—this is not just an online money scam. Love fraud occurs any time a disordered individual uses a personal relationship of trust for the sole purpose of exploitation. Unfortunately, it happens much more frequently than most of us realize.
Joanie:
I can see that. I think it does all come down to who is still available. Thanks for the reminder 🙂
Hi! I wandered over because I was getting a lot of traffic from the link firewoman1220 posted here – what a touching comment!
Just wanted to say that if any of you wanted to arrange a special showing of “Missing” at a venue in your town, I’d be up for talking logistics.
You can e-mail me at j (at) jessicaferris (dot) com.
((Sopris))
it’s good that you’re able to process it and work through it with your mind.
You understand that it isn’t your shame that you feel, but theirs. That’s so good. They wanted to slime you with their shame because they perceive that you don’t have the shame that they feel every day. I think their shame comes from being an “it” rather than a human being with an identity.
Thanks for the support Hope to heal!
Skylar, yes! Children have no boundaries so they absorb it all. Then the x P was able to pick up where P of origin left off.
Most interesting learning is that I absorbed what they believed about me as if it were truth. It was just a rationalization, (that I am nothing) and I have no doubt they believe it. They have to in order to rationalize their abusive behavior. I am clear they absolutely need to rationalilze their behavior and that is a place where they believe their own lies.
I think you are right! They know they are scum so they try to rob others happiness. Their drug of choice is perpetrating misery on others.
The bottom line is that it hurts really badly what they do to the soul, and it is unfortunate that innocent people have to feel that kind of pain. But hands down, I would rather be feeling horrendous pain and stand in truth, than the depressive shame and disconnect that comes with lies.
This way I get to experience the full spectrum including wholeness, peace, and joy!
One more piece….facing the truth that P really saw me as lower than dirt ( the lie was that he adored me, blah) and the pain of that truth, assures that I will never be abused again by anyone!
Skylar, that is an interesting piece about the absence of identity. That makes alot of sense. Without a self they can’t possibly have any boundaries or self-esteem.
Sopris,
exactly! they lack everything, so they envy everyone.
They are completely capable of believing 2 contrary things at the same time. That’s why they can lie, know they are lying and also believe their own lies – all at the same time!
I believe that he did see you as dirt, in his rationalization, but concurrently he envied you. Imagine that, he envied dirt… talk about low self esteem.
skylar: ‘he envied dirt’. that is about right for their dysfunctional brain. hahahahaha talk about low self esteem….
Only recently have I recognized that yes, my x sp was so tremendously JEALOUS of me, that was the intent for all this upset and injury! It couldn’t be me so it would destroy me. THAT is how the mind of an “IT” works.
Oh yes, they lie and they try to convince others of their lies and deceptions so much so that they actually come to believe the lies they tell about us. Depending on the lies, they tell others about us, that may or may not make us more vulnerable to physical harm and/or threat, even though we may not particularly want to pay attention to this.
SOPRIS: without a self they can’t possibly have any boundaries or self-esteem. Exactly. And they are envious of those who do. They don’t know how to have those things we value. They may KNOW or recognize they have issues but they refuse to give it any credence because that would mean accepting responsibility and they are so NOT about responsibility accepting. It is ALWAYS someone elses ‘fault’. Always and I have heard that actually ‘rationalized’ by spaths in courts of law before. I have heard sp people trying to convince a court of law WHY their hideous actions were necessary!!! Imagine that…
very confusing and certainly noticeably off the hook.
Have a great evening everyone.
(((To Everyone)))
Dupedster
Skylar, interesting! Makes alot of sense, and when the envy started surfacing he would look for an opportunity to twist me badk into dirt by love bombing followed promptly with some sort of covert exploitation. He was also frustrated that he could not keep me in a trance for very long. I kept popping out and confronting him. The problem was that I had not really accepted the truth myself, until I got away. He always managed to look like a good guy.
Also, I think his only identity was in being the monster. He would become mom’s fantasy to please her and then rebel against her as an attempt to hold onto himself. That is what I think set him up for this nonsense of a life that he is living.
Superkid, I agree 100% no contact! That is what saved me. I know it is the hardest thing ever bc you want him to pay. He is not the solution to your pain, only the cause.
I have wanted to contact my x so many times with a truth/rage bomb but refrained. After the pain passes I would be so happy that I did not contact him, bc that is just giving him what he wants, power. Plus, it is not about him anymore, now it is about me and my healing. I agree you have to get the poison/rage out that he dumped on you. But he will never take it back, and bc he doesn’t have any feelings you can’t really hurt him. Don’t lower yourself to revenge. Revenge is the victims drug and it puts you at his level. He wants to prove you are as low as he. Show him you are of a higher frequency by not acting out a reveng fantasy. It will not work, he will twist it all back and hurt you again.
In the early days my rage would wake me up at 4 Am night after night. I would go and sit in my car and scream bloody murder. It hurt so bad, but I would then get huge relief for a while, some peace, and insights, and understanding.
I would also go out in the desert and throw rocks and cry and scream. Find a way to get the poison out that works for you.
You can do it, you’ll see! It makes more sense on the other side of the pain.