In my post last week, I referred to an article on Salon.com called, Facebook status: In a scam relationship. The article starts with an anecdote about a guy who met a woman on Myspace. She supposedly lived in Ghana and proclaimed her love, then told him a hard luck story. He sent her a total of $14,000, even though they never met. The person did not exist. The guy was scammed.
After relating the anecdote, the article stated, “He’s a victim of what’s called ”˜love fraud.’”
I had two reactions to that sentence. The first was, “Wow—”˜love fraud’ has entered the lexicon.” The second was, “This writer doesn’t get it—love fraud is not limited to cyber scams.”
Then, a few days ago, I received an inquiry from a television talk show producer who is considering doing an episode about “love fraud.” He Googled, “love fraud,” and of course, immediately landed on this website and blog. He too, however, seemed to think that love fraud was limited to fake romances conducted over the Internet, which turn out to be money scams.
It’s time to set the record straight.
When I learned that my ex-husband, James Montgomery, was a sociopath, and that millions of sociopaths were out in the world putting peoples’ lives through a meat grinder, as had happened to me, I realized that the public needed to be educated. Although I was in the midst of my divorce and couldn’t immediately embark on an education program, I decided that I would eventually build a website.
So 12 years ago, on August 7, 1999, I reserved the domain name, “Lovefraud.com.” If you want proof, check the Who Is information.
Lovefraud.com launched on July 20, 2005. Our logo is trademarked. “Love fraud” is my term. Therefore, I will define it:
Love fraud is the intentional exploitation of an individual through manipulating emotions and trust in a personal relationship. The exploitative relationship is frequently romantic, but can also be between family members, friends and associates. The relationship can take place in real life, or exist only through communications media. The people who engage in love fraud are sociopaths.
For years, I’ve heard from people who want to tell me about their “love frauds.” In fact, I have collected more than 2,500 cases of people who tangled with sociopaths. Yes, I’ve heard about online scams. But I’ve also heard about betrayal by high school sweethearts, long-term spouses, family members, first dates, co-workers and business partners. This type of exploitation is widespread. In fact, it is epidemic.
So to all you bloggers and journalists who are suddenly interested in love fraud—this is not just an online money scam. Love fraud occurs any time a disordered individual uses a personal relationship of trust for the sole purpose of exploitation. Unfortunately, it happens much more frequently than most of us realize.
BBE,
Did your mother really WANT a house of her own? Does she WANT you to buy her a house? Or is this just something that you think she wants?
You know I’m not sure how old she is, but taking care of a house vs. apartment is a lot of expense and trouble as well.
The reason I am asking this is that THINGS are not what make us happy….and as long as you have a roof over your head, a house can’t make you “happy” or satisfied. I know this is a DESIRE YOU HAVE to do this for her, but is this something she really wants?
Funny thing about my late husband, he used to buy me things that HE THOUGHT I WANTED and that actually were things I did NOT want, it was the old “white elephant” thing….he bought me things that HE WANTED and thought I also wanted….cars and airplanes etc. I never let him know that I really didn’t care for his gift selection because his INTENTIONS WERE GOOD, he just didn’t know I would rather MUCH RATHER have picked my own car.
Maybe I should have been honest with him and told him that His gifts were not what I would have chosen, but Once a long time ago I bought a small gift for someone that I really cared about and gave it to her and she told me she didn’t want it, rather than just taking it as it was intended and saying “thank you for thinking of me. ” It crushed me. I would never have hurt him like that by telling him his gifts were not received as intended.
Ox;
For a long time I would get subtle hints. I would dread visiting her because when we were out driving around, she would drive by houses that were for sale or mention friend who had just bought a place.
I do not get that much anymore — I guess she had accepted that it won’t happen.
I know part of the issue my issue that my mother lives in a house and not an apartment. We are talking Long Island and such status trappings are big things there and part of me is caught in that.
Dear BBE,
The “subtle hints” that you perceived your mother gave you—and I bet you felt “guilty” when you could not provide that for your mother–sort of makes me wonder really how HEALTHY your mother is in “hinting” to her son that he should provide a house for her. Or was it she really wasn’t “hinting” but you felt that if you provided something grand like that, she would love you more? Those subtle hints being enough that you hated to go see her? That doesn’t sound like a healthy mother/son relationship to me at all. So do you think if you buy her a house that then you will be more acceptable to her? That she will be proud of you and love you more? I can’t tell from a “distance” if it was her actually hinting that was the problem, or that you only perceived she was hinting, but it might be something for you to think about in your relationship with her and WITH YOURSELF.
“STATUS” purchases or acquiring “things” in order to make you “happy” are really in the greater scheme of things very shallow and in the end not really satisfying at all. Look at people like Paris Hilton and all the “status” things she has, and all the various “stars” who are competing with each other to buy this or that multi-million dollar mansion and then look at their lives, how SHALLOW and “drama” filled they are. Look at John Edwards, Charlie Sheen, Mel Gibson, O. J. Simpson, Michael Vick, and so on….they have/had everything in the world that money and “status” could buy and yet they are empty shells of human beings in my opinion.
Ox,
As I said the house thing is not much of an issue now. It probably was more myent issue and insecurity but it is real. Funny, I am not that wrapped up on material things and with the recent monetary loss, I feel worse for making mistakes than the money itself…
OxY: I think it’s so good you made the comment a psychopath will put you in the street if you encounter one naively.
One thing I think that would be a good topic to write about on Lovefraud would be widows.
On so many blogs I’ve read where a widow will lose her husband and go to the dating sites and write”widow looking to date.”
Ladies and gentlemen this is the calling card for “sharks” or “sociopaths.” Widow = translates to assets and the sociopaths will come out in masse and surround the widow like sharks would surround a victim in water.
Also these elderly or middle age women are somewhat naive.
They married their high school or college sweet heart and have never been out in the real world dating like other worldly women.
Sociopaths will often marry them and clean them out.
Often times their kids will notice what’s going on but love can be blind and the victim won’t see the forest for the trees till it’s too late.
My mother had a lady friend who knew a victim in Florida who was in the same shape I mentioned as above.
She married her sweat heart young and had many assets and money. Somewhere along the line she married a predator unknownst to her. To make a long story short, she told all her lady friends how he was the best husband in the world and did everything for her. One day out of the blue very coldy he told her “he wanted a divorce.” His wife was in a state of schock and said, “why?” He said, “I want half of everything you own. That’s why.” Well he divorced her and left her very coldly and she did have to give him a settlement. So this is something folks men & women widows/widower’s should be made aware of. I’m a newbie not sure if LF has ever commented on this before.
All state laws are different and some states will award alimony & settlements differently but this is something to surely discuss.
Joanie123,
The thing about psychopaths (predators) is that they pick ANYONE who is in a vulnerable state, and you are right, widows and widowers are usually in a vulnerable state where they are looking for love to replace the love they had…I fell for the same trap myself, but he wasn’t looking for money (he had enough) he was looking for another “respectable” wife to keep his harem of girl friends from giving him problems about marrying them. He had cheated on his wife of 32 years until she FINALLY caught him and tossed him out….then his harem all started clamoring to marry him….he had this “thing” about being “respectable” and his bubble had burst and he wanted another respectable home.
Fortunately for me I found out before I married him…but I do feel sorry for the woman he did marry. Nice woman I hear.
Widows are vulnerable because we are devastated and hurt, grieving….and in many cases not “street wise”—but feeling lonely like we will never be important again to another man/woman…I felt very lonely, and undesirable…then along came this man who told me how sexy I was, how desirable, etc. and I FELL FOR IT HOOK, LINE AND SINKER.
Also, I will NOT ever go online to find a date…I knew this guy in real life, but online is just FISHING IN A SEWER….in my humble opinion.
BTW glad you found your way here to LF—there’s lots of great information here to help you heal and lots of great support.
BBE,
kicking yourself about losing the money isn’t going to get it back….I’ve kicked myself plenty about some of the choices I made as well….but it is like a lot of the past decisions we made that were not wise/good, we just have to let them go and move on to the future.
After my stepfather died, I spent all my time taking care of the egg donor, meeting her needs and wants and totally ignored my own business interests to the point I was losing money daily. When I finally woke up to this fact and tried to set some boundaries with her she was furious that I would put my own NEEDS before her DESIRES. That actually started the downward spiral toward her devaluing and discarding me in favor of the psychopaths who were kissing her arse at the time….and ultimately ended up costing me more money because I had to hire an attorney to get the Trojan horse psychopath out of her home…but then she ended bringing him back so I had to get out of town (literally) Looking back now, I could kick my own arse for being so stooooopid, but nada I can do about it now, and you can’t recoup what you have lost in terms of time, effort or money, so the best route is to ACCEPT the loss and just be glad you still have something left at all.
Oxy,
it actually speaks volumes that you did not get sucked into marrying that freak with the madonna/whore syndrome. Considering the situation you were in and how utterly convincing the spaths can be, it speaks for your innate boundaries that you were able to kick him to the curb. So many of us will make excuses for spaths so that we can’t see what they really are.
I think there was some kind of boundary already set up that protected you.
it still boggles my mind to know that this madonna/whore syndrome is so prevalent, in so many men. They need to have a respectable wife –why? Why don’t they just have as many whores as they want and enjoy themselves? what’s with the need to dupe an innocent woman on top of that?
BBE,
I’m so sorry about your losing money on the stock exchange. I am glad though, that it wasn’t more than you could afford and that you realize it was more of an ego blow than a financial one. Sometimes it takes that kind of “shock” to wake us up and tell us we need to re-evaluate what we are doing. The stock market is just as sociopathic as any other sociopath. In fact, when you look at what the government is doing right now – pushing the drama over the debt ceiling up until the last minute and getting every bit of drama out of it that they can – well you have to realize that none of us have actually escaped the sociopaths. They are running the country and we are giving them our money, just like we always have.
EVERYTHING that has happened in government and the financial debacle is a MIRROR IMAGE, of what my spath did to me. They manipulate the market with their debt drama. Today I saw an article headlined: Obama wants no limits.
LOL!
My spath, in a moment of projection, said, “YOU HAVE NO LIMITS”.
It’s a red flag, the words: NO LIMITS.
Watch for them.
It’s a good thing that you are reconsidering your options for employment, but I doubt you will quit the stock market altogether. It is almost an addiction, and difficult to stop. Just remember, hedge with gold and silver. Not right now of course, wait until Aug 2nd and see what the commodities are doing. Oh and BTW, WTF? is going on with BACON? Have you seen the prices at the store recently? Is this the hidden bubble?
Skylar: Now that you mentioned it I think it’s possible my spath more than likely had the Madonna/whore syndrome.
When he married me he mentioned something to the fact I was a deceit, respectable girl, something he was not used to.
He had tons of whores though, he was one himself.
He was always telling me he married me because I was an old fashioned girl.