In my post last week, I referred to an article on Salon.com called, Facebook status: In a scam relationship. The article starts with an anecdote about a guy who met a woman on Myspace. She supposedly lived in Ghana and proclaimed her love, then told him a hard luck story. He sent her a total of $14,000, even though they never met. The person did not exist. The guy was scammed.
After relating the anecdote, the article stated, “He’s a victim of what’s called ”˜love fraud.’”
I had two reactions to that sentence. The first was, “Wow—”˜love fraud’ has entered the lexicon.” The second was, “This writer doesn’t get it—love fraud is not limited to cyber scams.”
Then, a few days ago, I received an inquiry from a television talk show producer who is considering doing an episode about “love fraud.” He Googled, “love fraud,” and of course, immediately landed on this website and blog. He too, however, seemed to think that love fraud was limited to fake romances conducted over the Internet, which turn out to be money scams.
It’s time to set the record straight.
When I learned that my ex-husband, James Montgomery, was a sociopath, and that millions of sociopaths were out in the world putting peoples’ lives through a meat grinder, as had happened to me, I realized that the public needed to be educated. Although I was in the midst of my divorce and couldn’t immediately embark on an education program, I decided that I would eventually build a website.
So 12 years ago, on August 7, 1999, I reserved the domain name, “Lovefraud.com.” If you want proof, check the Who Is information.
Lovefraud.com launched on July 20, 2005. Our logo is trademarked. “Love fraud” is my term. Therefore, I will define it:
Love fraud is the intentional exploitation of an individual through manipulating emotions and trust in a personal relationship. The exploitative relationship is frequently romantic, but can also be between family members, friends and associates. The relationship can take place in real life, or exist only through communications media. The people who engage in love fraud are sociopaths.
For years, I’ve heard from people who want to tell me about their “love frauds.” In fact, I have collected more than 2,500 cases of people who tangled with sociopaths. Yes, I’ve heard about online scams. But I’ve also heard about betrayal by high school sweethearts, long-term spouses, family members, first dates, co-workers and business partners. This type of exploitation is widespread. In fact, it is epidemic.
So to all you bloggers and journalists who are suddenly interested in love fraud—this is not just an online money scam. Love fraud occurs any time a disordered individual uses a personal relationship of trust for the sole purpose of exploitation. Unfortunately, it happens much more frequently than most of us realize.
Joanie123 – My n sire used to name the (milk) cows after the women in the family. My mother was never impressed (nor was she impressed when he started naming boats (that she hated) after her.)
now that i know he head a penchant for bestiality porn…..
sorry, that went really sideways – i think the ‘breakfast’ name is so Farmer, and it made me smile.
Once it wormed itself into my world, it began to be mean and cruel for the pleasure of it, mentally and emotionally. The degradation went beyond the limits of what a human mind could conceive. But that degradation was not just for me but for all women. Who are whores. They only want one thing and “IT” provides it and has found that if he “… swoons a woman (his words) with sex and affection, I can have whatever I want from them.”
Once it wormed it’s way into my life, the gradual attempt at my destruction began. But IT had to give up; I became too difficult; had too much security and people around me. Once it found out I was no easy mark, after all, and it couldn’t do anything to make it all right (change or erase what it had done)…it tried to purposely and with intent harm me and take my life, maliciously, and the “IT#2” was a part of that sick plot.
I AM TAKING MY LIFE BACK.
THEY DONT DESERVE WHAT WE HAVE GIVEN THEM.
Hell no….they don’t deserve the Light…
Let them stay in their darkness.
😉
Love ~ Dupey
I feel so grateful to have found this site. It’s helping me already, and I’ve only read through a couple of posts.
Last night, one of my best friends called to make an impassioned plea for me to finally cut my sociopathic ex-bf out of my life for good. “This has become serious,” she said. “He’s making you crazy. You’ve said some things lately that are really concerning me.”
She’s right about all of that, of course. And I’m trying; I have two full days of no contact under my belt (hey, gotta start somewhere!) and I have no desire to reach out to him. I’m just worried that I’ll be sucked back in when he reaches out to me. Because he will. He considers me his “best friend.”
Here’s my nagging problem for now, though: Last week, he contacted me out of the blue to tell me about the new girl in his life. As if I wanted to hear about it. Knife, meet heart.
He said she’s younger than me and has two kids (in my case this was the sticking point in our relationship — he didn’t want to be a stepdad). But with her, he’s willing to try. With her, he does unselfish stuff such as helping her move into an apartment, picking her up when her car died, etc. He never did one thoughtful thing for me. Ever.
After reeling me back in with the “you’re my best friend and I love you and need you in my life” crap — along with lots of sex talk that went on for two days straight — he came over, did the deed and immediately said how awful he felt about it. For me, his “best friend,” and for this new love of his life. He then announced that he’s changing his ways — that I’ve “inspired” him to accept the challenge of embracing happiness when he finds it. (With her, he meant.) To stop being afraid of happiness and go for it, instead of doing stupid things that only increase his self-loathing. (His words.)
So what he’s said is that thanks to me and all the crap he put me through, he can now be a perfect guy FOR HER.
Someone out there — someone who’s been through this — please, please tell me that’s not the case. Did he tell me that just to stick the knife in a little deeper? Or is it possible that he WILL be a better guy with her?
If any of you have ever heard the same lines from the sociopath in your lives, please let me know how it turned out. Deep down I know he probably won’t ever change for the good, but I’m still in the fog. I’d really, really appreciate any thoughts you all have to help me out of this hell. Thank you.
ps: I think he’s a sex addict; at the same time he was texting me and wanting to come over, he was sending naked shots to an entirely different woman. BUT he says all of that is in his past now, after the other night. Tell me what to believe.
Aleciad – I agree with your friend, he is making you crazy…and enjoying every minute of seeing you squirm with discomfort, he is not only twisting that knife he is adding salt to the wound. This freak is messin with your mind, get out and stay out, change locks, change all phone numbers, dont answer the door…seeing you sad makes his sick ass feel powerful…hang in there – we are all here for you…many of us have the same story as yours – word for word….
Thank you so much, Hens. The thing is, I can talk to my friends and my therapist and my very wise mom all day long about this — but they don’t quite get it. They don’t understand why such a clearly horrible person would have such a hold on me. But you guys do get it because you’ve been there, and that’s why it’s so very valuable to hear what you think. I’m wiping away tears of relief right now. Thank you for replying. 🙂
Your welcome, and unless somebody has been where you are now, they just dont get it. I would like to recommend the first book that helped me so much ” Meaning from Madness” by Richard Skerritt..order it on amazon it is only about ten bucks…it helped me see what motivates these type of creeps and why we get hooked…this is a life lesson – dont fail it…:) hugz…
I’m ordering the book now. I do NOT plan to fail this life lesson!! 🙂
You summed up his every motivation toward me with this sentence: “Seeing you sad makes his sick ass feel powerful.” I feel like I should make a poster of that and frame it in my living room. 🙂 But seriously, it’s what he did to me, over and over. In hindsight, he seemed almost gleeful whenever I’d get upset over the hurt he was causing.
I have a magnet on my fridge that says, “No boy is worth crying over. And the one who is won’t make you cry.” Words to remember!
wow I remember that mind f–k…him telling me all about his new love, like I was supposed to host a party for him, and inside I am dying but going along with this, because after all I did love him and only wanted his happiness and to hold on to whatever the —k it was that had me so convinced he was the only one for me… I remember him calling and listening to this crap, afterwards I just rocked back and forth not knowing what to do – wait on his next call or just go ahead and die and get out of my misery…well I stood up – called the phone company changed numbers to unlisted and refused to answer the door when he was screaming “why did you change your phone numbers?”…that was the hardest thing I ever did – not opening that door…..but the smartest thing i ever did..
Hens
I so admire that stand you took for yourself. That took some backbone. Yes, the smartest thing so matter how much it hurt. THAT is courage.
I did lots of screaming and hollering but really I didn’t truly leave until I was facing a life/death situation. Would that I did leave on my own terms, it would have done enormous good to me self esteem. Instead I was a complete basket case, humiliatingly so. But I’m not that person anymore and wise enough to know I’d rather be alone and homeless than ever submit to that life of “lllooouuuvvvveee”.
You rock man.
So in other words, this new love of his didn’t work out at all the way he’d hoped. He was coming back to you. There was a time in my recent past that I would have looked forward to that chapter, to be honest — I would have fallen back into the game. But I’m now realizing that this relationship is destroying me. I’m a good person and I have a big heart, so it seems incredibly ironic that I was about to be ruined emotionally, physically and mentally by someone who has no heart at all. I was going to be brought down by a robot.
Good for you for not opening that door!!! It gives me inspiration to remain strong. 🙂