In my post last week, I referred to an article on Salon.com called, Facebook status: In a scam relationship. The article starts with an anecdote about a guy who met a woman on Myspace. She supposedly lived in Ghana and proclaimed her love, then told him a hard luck story. He sent her a total of $14,000, even though they never met. The person did not exist. The guy was scammed.
After relating the anecdote, the article stated, “He’s a victim of what’s called ”˜love fraud.’”
I had two reactions to that sentence. The first was, “Wow—”˜love fraud’ has entered the lexicon.” The second was, “This writer doesn’t get it—love fraud is not limited to cyber scams.”
Then, a few days ago, I received an inquiry from a television talk show producer who is considering doing an episode about “love fraud.” He Googled, “love fraud,” and of course, immediately landed on this website and blog. He too, however, seemed to think that love fraud was limited to fake romances conducted over the Internet, which turn out to be money scams.
It’s time to set the record straight.
When I learned that my ex-husband, James Montgomery, was a sociopath, and that millions of sociopaths were out in the world putting peoples’ lives through a meat grinder, as had happened to me, I realized that the public needed to be educated. Although I was in the midst of my divorce and couldn’t immediately embark on an education program, I decided that I would eventually build a website.
So 12 years ago, on August 7, 1999, I reserved the domain name, “Lovefraud.com.” If you want proof, check the Who Is information.
Lovefraud.com launched on July 20, 2005. Our logo is trademarked. “Love fraud” is my term. Therefore, I will define it:
Love fraud is the intentional exploitation of an individual through manipulating emotions and trust in a personal relationship. The exploitative relationship is frequently romantic, but can also be between family members, friends and associates. The relationship can take place in real life, or exist only through communications media. The people who engage in love fraud are sociopaths.
For years, I’ve heard from people who want to tell me about their “love frauds.” In fact, I have collected more than 2,500 cases of people who tangled with sociopaths. Yes, I’ve heard about online scams. But I’ve also heard about betrayal by high school sweethearts, long-term spouses, family members, first dates, co-workers and business partners. This type of exploitation is widespread. In fact, it is epidemic.
So to all you bloggers and journalists who are suddenly interested in love fraud—this is not just an online money scam. Love fraud occurs any time a disordered individual uses a personal relationship of trust for the sole purpose of exploitation. Unfortunately, it happens much more frequently than most of us realize.
alicia,
my spath told me that he had girl friend who committed suicide after they had been together for a year and a half.
At the time, I was shocked and bewildered. I thought, “how and why would someone who is in love with my spath commit suicide?” I was so madly in love at the 1.5 year mark, that I couldn’t figure out how those 2 feelings love/suicide could co-exist. But now I get it. He put her on a rollercoaster and she couldn’t take it anymore, so she jumped.
My late aunt was married to my spath uncle. She died of cancer. Different people escape different ways.
I almost killed myself toward the very end of our marriage.
But that’s not something I want to discuss right now.
I thought the head games and abuse would never end. He controlled me like a puppet on strings. When he moved onto to the next victim, I was devastated but at the same time relieved.
I was like a victim suffering from stockholm syndrome.
Joanie
thanks for posting your story. It makes a difference to many people to read about how others have experienced spaths.
I’m especially happy that you were able to move on and away from most of the slime.
Joanie,
I’m so glad you’re still alive.
If only we were educated about this subject from first grade on. It’s never too early to know about emotional manipulation. But I can see how it won’t happen anytime soon because too many parents are spaths. They simply won’t allow anyone to take away their control.
I posted on a different website about my experience. It was relevant to the conversation although it was not a conversation about spaths – the conversation was about being conned for money by a girlfriend. Several people were grateful for the knowledge, but there were several who turned into “blame the victim mode”. One even said he would charge me for whatever therapeutical benefit I got from posting my story!!
It was about 50/50 support vs. derogatory comments. They are everywhere.
Learning about how to spot them is sooooo critical. Learn all you can, not just for yourself but also so you can teach others.
Spaths already have a natural tendency to slime. I’ve known some spaths with no children of their own who try desperately to influence their sisters’ children. This illness wants to spread itself. We empaths just want a normal life. But that isn’t enough. We have to spread goodness too.
aliciad456 –
For some reason, reading the thread of your posts reminded me of Jesse James and Sandra Bullock. Boy if a guy was inspired to change his ways and be a good person, the appearance of that fairy tale is it. Only he wasn’t was he. He APPEARED to have her back, but what he really did was sneak behind her back with women who knew he was married, didn’t care, and thought it was funny to do that with him.
Sorry but the time being, your guy is with her, as long as it goes his way. But at the first challenge, he’ll say he tried and it’s HER fault (like Jesse said about Sandra, it was her fault for not being sexy enough).
I’m hoping that will be enough time for you to see that being “wanted and appealed to” by a guy is not the path to happiness.
However, being regarded, considered, wanted, cherished, loved, faithful, trustworthy by a guy who is that way with EVERYONE (moral integrity and character) is the path to happiness.
He told you about her and then had sex with you. Yep, sounds like a guy inspired to be a good person to me. Sorry for your heartache but am so happy you are not stuck with him.
ps My husband wanted me to comfort him when he was horrid to me too. The classic abuse cycle only I was supposed to give HIM the roses/chocolates! lol! With these types, if you don’t agree that he was entitled to abuse you, they’ll go find someone else that agree. And there is ALWAYS someone else that will.
aliciad456 ”“ welcome
You have been given excellent advice by the others here, the rest is up to you.
I have responded to your words (hope this helps) 9 months ago I was where you are now. Stay and learn.
Listen to your friend ”“ she is giving you sound advice (although you may still not want to hear it). It takes a while to get out of the denial phase (been there, done that!)
’Last night, one of my best friends called to make an impassioned plea for me to finally cut my sociopathic ex-bf out of my life for good’ ”“ spot on. NO CONTACT.
’I have two full days of no contact under my belt’ ”“ Brilliant.
’just worried that I’ll be sucked back in when he reaches out to me’ ”“ be ready, have a plan, because he WILL try again (it’s what they do)
“best friend.” ”“ oh yeah right (not) what he means is I want to keep you hooked so when I run out of supply (women) you will have me back. It’s called keeping you on the backburner. Mine used the same phrase.
’Last week, he contacted me out of the blue to tell me about the new girl in his life’ – this is called triangulation. They love to do this. Play one person off against another.
’Knife, meet heart’ ”“ exactly what he wanted. They enjoy inflicting pain, it’s what they get off on.
’He said she’s younger than me and has two kids’ ”“ twisting the knife a bit further.
’But with her, he’s willing to try’ ”“ yeah right?! He will try for as long as he needs to to win her over.
’helping her move into an apartment, picking her up when her car died, etc’ ”“ he’s pretending to be the loving caring guy (but you know different)
“you’re my best friend and I love you and need you in my life” ”“ yeah, he needs you so bad he goes off with another woman.
’he came over, did the deed and immediately said how awful he felt about it’ ”“ this is because it’s all about HIM.
’He then announced that he’s changing his ways’ well you can ask anyone on here about them changing their ways, it can’t be done.
’he can now be a perfect guy FOR HER’ ”“ NO NO NO he will not. He WILL NOT change for her or anyone else. He’s a spath. It’s like saying to a crocodile turn into a lamb ”“ it can’t be done ”“ ever.
’I’m still in the fog’ – Yes, it can feel that way. But in time the FOG will clear.
’ps: I think he’s a sex addict; at the same time he was texting me and wanting to come over, he was sending naked shots to an entirely different woman’ – they have several women on the go at the same time so that they can ’choose’ which one to leech off.
Keep reading. You have found a GOOD place here with GOOD people who will show you the way forward.
Candy,
Thank you so much for everything you just said. Being able to discover the TRUTH about who he is and why he’s hurt me so much is such a relief. For awhile I’d assumed he had Asperger’s or something, but I now see that he’s much more devious than someone with that condition. I don’t think Asperger’s people are pathlogical liars, for example.
About triangulation: He did this with me the entire time I knew him. The day after our first date, he texted and flirted with me for hours, and then asked if he could give me a call. Sure! I was giddy about him.
It was then that he informed me that he was dating someone else. He felt the need to tell me this out of “full disclosure.” Oh, and this: “I just want to do right by you.”
Huh? I was so baffled. We’d just made out the night before and he was practically begging for us to take it further. So when he told me about the other woman he was dating, I said, “OK, well, thanks for letting me know,” figuring that was that. I hung up, went to water my flowers and immediately got a voicemail from him, all casual and happy, telling me to call him back whenever. “You do want to still talk to me, right?” he asked. “I hope you do!”
I wish I could turn back time to that day, that moment. Knowing what I do now, I would have deleted him from my phone and heaved a big sigh of relief. I would have saved myself a year of complete misery and partial insanity.
He’s been divorced for four years, but I have it on good authority that his ex-wife still occasionally pines away for him. (She tweeted something to that effect not long ago.) That’s sad. I REFUSE TO BE THAT PERSON. It IS possible to fully move on from people like this, right?? Please tell me that’s the case.
ps: And now I have three full days of no contact under my belt. 🙂
aliciad – I think we all tried to come up with a ‘diagnosis’, some way of making sense of the mess we found ourselves in. When he told you about the other woman – that was triangulation. So then he has to reel you back in by immediately love bombing you with a text. Spaths do it all the time.
Good for you for refusing to play his game. Walk away……No, RUNNNN
aliciad – So, yes you CAN move on. But put your crash helmet on it’s going to be a bumpy move…This is my perspective , this Life Lesson starts out about them ( the spath ) and ends up being about us….as I have said before ”Because of the spath ( toxic person ) I will never be the same and I am working hard at making that a good thing” congrats on 3 days no contact, I am at 1281 and counting….