In my post last week, I referred to an article on Salon.com called, Facebook status: In a scam relationship. The article starts with an anecdote about a guy who met a woman on Myspace. She supposedly lived in Ghana and proclaimed her love, then told him a hard luck story. He sent her a total of $14,000, even though they never met. The person did not exist. The guy was scammed.
After relating the anecdote, the article stated, “He’s a victim of what’s called ”˜love fraud.’”
I had two reactions to that sentence. The first was, “Wow—”˜love fraud’ has entered the lexicon.” The second was, “This writer doesn’t get it—love fraud is not limited to cyber scams.”
Then, a few days ago, I received an inquiry from a television talk show producer who is considering doing an episode about “love fraud.” He Googled, “love fraud,” and of course, immediately landed on this website and blog. He too, however, seemed to think that love fraud was limited to fake romances conducted over the Internet, which turn out to be money scams.
It’s time to set the record straight.
When I learned that my ex-husband, James Montgomery, was a sociopath, and that millions of sociopaths were out in the world putting peoples’ lives through a meat grinder, as had happened to me, I realized that the public needed to be educated. Although I was in the midst of my divorce and couldn’t immediately embark on an education program, I decided that I would eventually build a website.
So 12 years ago, on August 7, 1999, I reserved the domain name, “Lovefraud.com.” If you want proof, check the Who Is information.
Lovefraud.com launched on July 20, 2005. Our logo is trademarked. “Love fraud” is my term. Therefore, I will define it:
Love fraud is the intentional exploitation of an individual through manipulating emotions and trust in a personal relationship. The exploitative relationship is frequently romantic, but can also be between family members, friends and associates. The relationship can take place in real life, or exist only through communications media. The people who engage in love fraud are sociopaths.
For years, I’ve heard from people who want to tell me about their “love frauds.” In fact, I have collected more than 2,500 cases of people who tangled with sociopaths. Yes, I’ve heard about online scams. But I’ve also heard about betrayal by high school sweethearts, long-term spouses, family members, first dates, co-workers and business partners. This type of exploitation is widespread. In fact, it is epidemic.
So to all you bloggers and journalists who are suddenly interested in love fraud—this is not just an online money scam. Love fraud occurs any time a disordered individual uses a personal relationship of trust for the sole purpose of exploitation. Unfortunately, it happens much more frequently than most of us realize.
firewoman:
I just watched the clip where she is trying to climb through the chair…funny!
And the funny part is most people don’t get it unless they have been through it. “So you fell for a guy who decided he didn’t want you”, they say. “Get over it.”
Even with my own attorney he recognized my story from other
clients who had been through it. But he said, “you’ll never get anything out of your divorce.” You helped him out financially thinking you were investing in a long-term commitment of marriage, but in his mind, you were never his wife, just a woman he viewed as a sap that he could exploit.” “He deserted you after one year so you can’t even claim alimony.”
Boy, he new the law good. It never occurred to me I was dealing with a “sociopath.” I was a young kid, I didn’t even know what one was till I went through the experience and lived it. And I was devastated. Because in my mind, marriage was more than a “one night stand albeit one year.”
I saw on the web that women’s groups are really starting to pressure dating sites to screen better for sexual predators as well as sociopaths. I don’t know how they could do this.
Someone like ourselves would know the signs of a predator.
But woe to young naive women who don’t know the signs and the red flags. Too bad most folks even men have to live through the experience before they can recognize the signs.
Too bad these men and women who marry for fraudulent purposes can’t be held accountable in a court of law.
I guess the attornies don’t want to be bothered with it otherwise every divorcee would be screaming “lovefraud” & “sociopath” at their ex.
Too bad there’s no diehard test to prove “sociopathy” so we could just put these folks in a separate category and avoid them altogether.
Hi Joannie,
yes, it’s too bad that most people have to live through it to understand it. But not all. Some people get it, if you explain it right. It’s well known that there are con artists and rip off artists out there who will prey on your emotions.
So today, on another website, which has nothing to do with love fraud, the subject came up. And I spoke up. I was asked, “how does a young man protect himself?” and I explained the red flags: charm, pity and rage, in detail. They were grateful.
Never hesitate to explain the red flags: the rollercoaster ride of up and down emotions, the lies, the love-bombing and the many, many other tells which could have saved us. There are signs, even the best of them show us signs. Unfortunately for us, we couldn’t interpret them because nobody told us. Pass along the information at every opportunity and eventually, the spaths will be starved of their supply. They’ll have to feed on each other – as is appropriate.
mwah! @....... skylar…funny you should mention: “They’ll have to feed on each other-as is appropriate.” Wow: that’s hitting the nail on the head skylar….in my case they already are…..
Sorry Joanie for your troubles.
I hope things get better for you.
I heard someone explain the sad death of Amy Winehouse, a little while ago: “Addiction is the hole inside the soul.” I found that very profound, not just for drugs but for love, sex, any kind of addiction, maybe even perhaps the addiction I have been in the past five years.
Have a good night folks.
Don’t forget to keep sharing…
Education and awareness is the key.
Duped
folks – YOU HAVE TO SEE THE NEW BRAIN SCANS! i just bough a national geographic because the picture taken by a new brain imaging device made me very happy to look at it. google images: ‘national geographic + brain scan’ – it’s the one with the incredible tendrils of neuro activity. no more ‘grey matter’ (grey is for rocks!) and no more heat imaging of mass areas…this one is HOT!
Duped: Things did get better for me. I’ve been happily married for 30 years after being victimized by a spath as a young woman.
I was just giving examples that most people just don’t get it.
I even explained “sociopathy” to my mother over and over.
She says, “why don’t you just understand that you were victimized by an “irresponsible drunk.” I said, “no mom, you don’t get it. I was victimized by a sociopath.” “Not an irresponsible drunk.”
LOL!!!
I have a question: To you ladies that contacted the other women that were victimized by your spath husband how where you met? Were they hostile to you? Were they jealous and brushed you off? Or were they glad you contacted them so you could compare stories?
I’ve always believed that the woman who married my ex-husband after me was always curious to meet me but never did because she was scared I’d be hostile to her.
I went back to my prior name right after our divorce.
But she used his name for years which led me to believe she still carried on with him for years after the divorce.
Afterwards when he went back to his long-term girlfriend before me and had a kid with her the woman after me went back to her maiden name which tells me she was finally over him or mad. One or the other.
Any how a few months back I saw his mother in the grocery store. I hadn’t seen her in 30 years. When I knew her she was in her mid-fifties with dark hair.
Now I was looking at a little old lady with peppered hair and if looks could kill I’d be dead.
I believe I told you all how she despised me and wanted his ex back in his life. Since I’ve had no contact with him for 30 years I can only guess at the lies he’s told his mother.
Or maybe he even told her I was the cheat instead of him.
I did tell her what happened when we parted and I also chewed her butt out for hiding his “sociopathic” condition from unassuming victims. His friends were the same way.
Complete silence. They guarded his condition as if their life depended on it. Any how after she gave me the evil stare
I gave one right back at her as if to say, “WTF are you looking at me that way for?”
I was thinking, “maybe she was scared I’d tear her apart in the supermarket.” I just moved on as if she didn’t even matter. I have a happy marriage and two beautiful kids, and happy to be well rid of her son. Although if I never met him life could have been even better. But I learned from the experience and can prepare my own kids for life’s evil people better.
That’s just great Joanie. Thanks for continuing to come here and sharing. I am happy you are in a wonderful marriage and relationship and family.
Yes, MY IT’s family is aware but in denial. They are never there for it. “I” was the anchor in it’s life for almost 9 years. In a lot of ways we were all we had: one another and yet it betrayed me so horridly. I won’t ever understand it or be able to explain it any other way other than I TOOK ALL I COULD and I AM NOT TAKING ANYMORE OF THIS NIGHTMARE IN MY WORLD.
Yes, please do protect your children by trying to prepare them for these evil druids. It’s the best we can do for those we love.
Happy life to you Joanie…it’s people like you who have made it through to the other side of that ring of fire that gives me hope and inspiration. xxoo *BLESSINGS TO YOU AND YOURS*
Duped
Joanie:
Good story! I was cracking up at the end!!!
I am glad you were able to move on and have been married for 30 years. Feel blessed that you were young when it happened. I will be 48 soon and feel so much older to be going through this. I feel like I will never be with anyone again.
Joanie,
I think your former MIL shows NOTHING changes. Once a scapegoat, always a scapegoat. At least that’s what I figured out when I used to be so confused why he married me knowing who and what I was about, and then blame me for being the person I said I was (demanding ethics, morality, respect, honor, and integrity… in short what he referred to as being too DEMANDING.)
Just b/c people get old doesn’t mean they grow up. Enablers do blame YOU, esp if you held him accountable and LEFT his sorry ass.
just as Katydid.
Joannie,
enablers always want others to help. You weren’t helpful enough I guess. 🙂
I’m really glad you escaped to a better life.