In my post last week, I referred to an article on Salon.com called, Facebook status: In a scam relationship. The article starts with an anecdote about a guy who met a woman on Myspace. She supposedly lived in Ghana and proclaimed her love, then told him a hard luck story. He sent her a total of $14,000, even though they never met. The person did not exist. The guy was scammed.
After relating the anecdote, the article stated, “He’s a victim of what’s called ”˜love fraud.’”
I had two reactions to that sentence. The first was, “Wow—”˜love fraud’ has entered the lexicon.” The second was, “This writer doesn’t get it—love fraud is not limited to cyber scams.”
Then, a few days ago, I received an inquiry from a television talk show producer who is considering doing an episode about “love fraud.” He Googled, “love fraud,” and of course, immediately landed on this website and blog. He too, however, seemed to think that love fraud was limited to fake romances conducted over the Internet, which turn out to be money scams.
It’s time to set the record straight.
When I learned that my ex-husband, James Montgomery, was a sociopath, and that millions of sociopaths were out in the world putting peoples’ lives through a meat grinder, as had happened to me, I realized that the public needed to be educated. Although I was in the midst of my divorce and couldn’t immediately embark on an education program, I decided that I would eventually build a website.
So 12 years ago, on August 7, 1999, I reserved the domain name, “Lovefraud.com.” If you want proof, check the Who Is information.
Lovefraud.com launched on July 20, 2005. Our logo is trademarked. “Love fraud” is my term. Therefore, I will define it:
Love fraud is the intentional exploitation of an individual through manipulating emotions and trust in a personal relationship. The exploitative relationship is frequently romantic, but can also be between family members, friends and associates. The relationship can take place in real life, or exist only through communications media. The people who engage in love fraud are sociopaths.
For years, I’ve heard from people who want to tell me about their “love frauds.” In fact, I have collected more than 2,500 cases of people who tangled with sociopaths. Yes, I’ve heard about online scams. But I’ve also heard about betrayal by high school sweethearts, long-term spouses, family members, first dates, co-workers and business partners. This type of exploitation is widespread. In fact, it is epidemic.
So to all you bloggers and journalists who are suddenly interested in love fraud—this is not just an online money scam. Love fraud occurs any time a disordered individual uses a personal relationship of trust for the sole purpose of exploitation. Unfortunately, it happens much more frequently than most of us realize.
Oh Hens. I need an editor sometimes. My point was, my dog can get on places b/c I made it dog proof, just like all those years ago I baby proofed my house so my child could be a kid and not get in trouble for being a KID. Cushions are easily replaced…. and for only $8!!
I was supposed to get a puppy but the owner had emergency gall bladder surgery and fell off the earth. My dog is cross bred Australian Cattle Dog/border collie. She is lovely. Smart. I can’t believe someone took such a great dog to a KILL shelter.
Katy,
please do tell us about your new dog. how old?
ODD is oppositional defiance disorder, which is what all spaths have as teenagers. When they don’t get over it they are “graduated” to the term spath. LOL! ODD is pretty much defined as doing anything that authorities wouldn’t want you to do. Any authority brings out rebellion in the ODDs.
I think it’s very healthy to question ALL authority. and I mean ALL AUTHORITY. It is the lack of questioning that leads us down slippery slopes. I don’t believe we should OPPOSE all authority, but simply question it. It’s crucial to navigating a life filled with spaths. I did it as a teen, but then failed as an adult.
I don’t drink tea at all. perhaps I should?
skylar:
Oh, no, my best friend’s 14 year old has ODD. I am so afraid of what is going to happen to him and what my friend is going to have to deal with concerning him. Geez.
Louise,
As someone who was considered somewhat rebellious as a teen, I can tell you that it stemmed from being very keenly aware of hypocrisy. Inconsistent and narcisstic behaviors in the parents will bring it out. My upbringing was not considered bad at all, (people think my parents are very charming people) yet now it is obvious to me that my parents were utter failures due to their narcissism.
I can’t know what is happening in your friend’s life but counseling for BOTH of them is critical. Spathism is epidemic these days, whatever can be done to help this child, no effort should be spared.
skylar:
Well, the dad is extremely narcissistic at least in my opinion (there is also a lot of inconsistency there). My friend is not narcissistic at all; she is a sweetheart. The dad is also battling demons and my friend would really like to divorce him after 21 years of marriage, but she is so confused. They are millionaires and have everything you could ever want. The boy acts just like his dad and is the only child out of the four who does so.
Wow, skylar…thanks soooo much for making me aware of this.
Skylar, doggie is one yr old. I still haven’t named her. I thought the pound name was awful. She seems to be a great companion. Was used to a leash and learned in one day how to properly heel. Eager to please. Will do anything for a snack. Potty trained, comes, sits, downs, waits, does not retrieve though. Chases cats but I won’t let her. Is afraid of the dark.
Alice in Wonderland was treated as ODD b/c she didn’t know the rules to tea…. sometimes I am in lala ODDland…but no problems with authority figures, just ma, my husband, and their ilk.
Funny. Question Authority was one of my life rules. Served me well in comparing legit from bs.
Katy,
does she look like this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bid125aihHM
Louise,
that is so sad, I’m sorry for your friend.
I don’t know if divorce would serve the child well at this point, though it might be good for your friend. A resentful child has tendencies toward being spathic.
My spath was so resentful of his mother for divorcing the spath father that he ran away at age 12 to go live with a prostitute. Not saying what is best, just some thoughts.
skylar:
It is a very sad situation. My best friend lives far, far away from me and we talk on the phone a lot!!
Funny you should mention that about your X spath…my friend told me that her son told her that if she ever divorced his dad, he would never speak to her again.
He was only 12 and ran away and lived with a prostitute??
it seems so long ago….sitting here a year ago last spring, feeling a bit like myself, feeling like i was snapping back to the compassion and resilience i had before the spath, before the chemical injuries. i have been thinking about that day lately.
what i thought would happen didn’t. i didn’t snap back to the compassion and sense of self i had.
i have been trying to figure what to do now. i feel i need to write – about the spath and my life, but what? an article, a book, a graphic novel? i guess i just have to try and see what comes.
I am afraid of people and exhausted by my job. A few days ago I decided to reach out to one of the lost freinds. the more inportant one. i have stopped myself from doing this for months. i made some comments on his online photos, and he ‘added’ me on the photo sharing site he is on. it freaked me the fuck out when i realized that it functions a bit like facebook. so i went back today and sent a message saying that i was going to un add myself as a contact as it makes me visible to others and others visible to me. the fear and panic i have in being ‘seen’ online surfaced; as did the seeing those i don’t want to see. someone from our old ‘circle’ is a contact of his on the site and definitely don’t want to see what she has been doing. she is an absolute flake and i don’t want to be connected to her in any way.
i have lost ‘me’ filters. fear. vulnerability – at the smallest thing. i am in one of those times when one starts to let their guard down a bit, because some right things happen, and i feel very vulnerable. I have three new neighburs, (5 if you include the cats). they did not rent to the pair of db upstairs, instead i have a stompy footed school teacher. Yay to the latter, ick to the former. And the apt where the CB lived, has 2 school teachers in it (who are related to my neighbours). So, this is all very good (‘cept the stompy bit.) I went to the makret on Sat. and bought them all bouquets of sunflowers to welcome them to the building.
does this mean i can move back into my bedroom? so much constant upheaval – the idea of doing it makes me very nervous, so will not for now. my place is a real mess, and so i don’t invite the few people i do know into my place. i am ashamed. my place has always been nice – relaxed and funky with art – and clean and organized. now i struggle to get any one of those things in order. because living here has been such a challenge i feel i have lost my connection to my things – because i have not been able to take care of them and respect them, i feel shame, and grief. I have always had folks over, had lots of casual dinner parties. my place was always like that. not now and it pains me.
i am trying to follow my nose – do what rises up inside of me – so maybe it isn’t getting the damn dishes done all the time, but doing other things that make sense to some part of my heart and psyche. in the last weeks i have been going through my things and making a big pile of stuff to take to the charity shop. i have such a fondness for this one charity shop – they gave me free clothes when i had no money and had gained so much weight that i needed to get new clothes. I do anything i can for them. And yesterday I built my shelves in my closet. this place has very little storage – makes me crazy (2 small closets and a 3’x3’x3’ storage space)- but now i have 3 shelves above the clothes pole in one closet and 2 in the other. there is no linen closet or entrance closet – or haha much or an entrance. I had always thought I would buy a big amoire for the living room for all my textiles and linens – but the experience of being here hasn’t been about settling, but surviving – squatting in my own apt. moving from room to room to deal with neighbours noise and smoke and to try to deal with the off gassing floors by closing up rooms one at a time, taping them shut – with ionizers or big bowls of ammonia (which neutralizes formaldehyde) in them. It’s been insane, and I have lived as one running from threats others can’t see, and doing it with diminished capacity. I do not know if i will ever recover from the chemical exposures. I see the damage to my memory and attention to detail every day. I live the anxiety every day.
Funny, i can handle the anxiety better than the loss of memory. I am tired. tired of trying so hard. I want to see a neurologist. I know i have to finish my forms for the environmental health clinic. i have such a hard time doing so. same thing with finishing up the stuff for the DA.
I may have a roommate in a few weeks for three months. I’ll see if the person (who is coming from overseas) is genuine or not. the person they say they are does exist. and the contact came through the university, so most likely legit. but some of the correspondence seems a bit odd to me (and i have done this a lot). so, I am having to figure out a lot of stuff – where to put the stuff that sits in the not used living room, and i have to get a door and get it installed. All this change and unknown..this too… leaves me feeling vulnerable.
I am finding that i am acting very grouchy – i have seen it over the last three weeks – some guy parked in the bus zone and left his car idling for 10 minutes, which meant that gimpy girl here had to hobble away and find another place to sit and still keep an eye for the bus. it was hot and as the guy made his 2nd trip into the store he remarked on the heat – I told him he was parked, idling in the bus zone and that I was gimpy and had to move because of it. he aplogized but left the fucking truck running. then when he came out of the store AGAIN offered to help mo over to the bench. @.......#!@.......#%&^$^*$ yes, i understand that your child is in the car and it is unbearably hot out. yup. but it was this weird gaslight thing – he was all smiley and hands in prayer position psuedo compassion and i wanted to whack him. I could not get unmad. It’s only the 2nd time in my life when someone has apologized to em when i haven’t accepted the apology. BUT IT WASN’T AN APOLOGY. i am realizing that as i write now. it was a ‘get out of jail card free’ wank off. HE didn’t change his behavior one iota, but still managed to pretend to be a good guy. I kept weighing the needs of a kid on a car against mine…but the truth is he didn’t give a rats ass who he inconvenienced. he could have parked closer to the door, on the side street, where it was legal to park and been closer to his kid. He actually broke 2 laws and I did take his license plate number down. and as i write this i am thinking i would like to call the police. i felt like I was out of order – but i see the gaslight now. bugger. BUT, i don’t want to be angry. i am tired to the core of having to defend my territory. they ripped the damn street up AGAIN and repaved in the last two weeks and it is still curing………
one joy needs some peace.
the thing in buddism is that one can do anything, as long as it is done with peace. so act wrathful, but do it without anger.
i am not okay with being ill, i am not okay with hiding having been spathed, i am not okay with feeling outside of humanity much of the time, i am not okay with the fact that the two people i love most in the world both have Alzheimer’s and can’t be in a reciprocal relationship with me, and that i can’t see them.
now i am going to go have a cry.
(((OneJoy)))
Thanks for writing all the things I feel.
We seem to be on the same wave length lately.
I also feel that I need to write down the whole horrible story. I think that until I do, I won’t get over it. And I’m tired of waiting to get over it. I also feel like my situation is temporary. I feel like a traveler. My health has improved though, when I realized that the barbecued pork from the deli has gluten and quit eating it. Up until then, my brainfog was getting worse and worse, now it’s clearing up, thank God.
You’re right that the dude at the bus stop was full of sh*t. It was all about him. You need to follow his example just a bit and say no to people who would expect your health to suffer for their convenience. parking at the bus stop? call the cops, he shouldn’t be leaving his kid in the car alone with it running anyway. sicko.
BTW, I had a severe melt down and cried 2 nights ago. It was the strangest cry that I can remember. It consumed my whole body and tensed my spine. When that happened I was transported back to the age of 2 or 3. It felt just like my crying back then. And the words that came to my mind were: what am I doing wrong?
I felt better the next day.