In my post last week, I referred to an article on Salon.com called, Facebook status: In a scam relationship. The article starts with an anecdote about a guy who met a woman on Myspace. She supposedly lived in Ghana and proclaimed her love, then told him a hard luck story. He sent her a total of $14,000, even though they never met. The person did not exist. The guy was scammed.
After relating the anecdote, the article stated, “He’s a victim of what’s called ”˜love fraud.’”
I had two reactions to that sentence. The first was, “Wow—”˜love fraud’ has entered the lexicon.” The second was, “This writer doesn’t get it—love fraud is not limited to cyber scams.”
Then, a few days ago, I received an inquiry from a television talk show producer who is considering doing an episode about “love fraud.” He Googled, “love fraud,” and of course, immediately landed on this website and blog. He too, however, seemed to think that love fraud was limited to fake romances conducted over the Internet, which turn out to be money scams.
It’s time to set the record straight.
When I learned that my ex-husband, James Montgomery, was a sociopath, and that millions of sociopaths were out in the world putting peoples’ lives through a meat grinder, as had happened to me, I realized that the public needed to be educated. Although I was in the midst of my divorce and couldn’t immediately embark on an education program, I decided that I would eventually build a website.
So 12 years ago, on August 7, 1999, I reserved the domain name, “Lovefraud.com.” If you want proof, check the Who Is information.
Lovefraud.com launched on July 20, 2005. Our logo is trademarked. “Love fraud” is my term. Therefore, I will define it:
Love fraud is the intentional exploitation of an individual through manipulating emotions and trust in a personal relationship. The exploitative relationship is frequently romantic, but can also be between family members, friends and associates. The relationship can take place in real life, or exist only through communications media. The people who engage in love fraud are sociopaths.
For years, I’ve heard from people who want to tell me about their “love frauds.” In fact, I have collected more than 2,500 cases of people who tangled with sociopaths. Yes, I’ve heard about online scams. But I’ve also heard about betrayal by high school sweethearts, long-term spouses, family members, first dates, co-workers and business partners. This type of exploitation is widespread. In fact, it is epidemic.
So to all you bloggers and journalists who are suddenly interested in love fraud—this is not just an online money scam. Love fraud occurs any time a disordered individual uses a personal relationship of trust for the sole purpose of exploitation. Unfortunately, it happens much more frequently than most of us realize.
Thing is.. I spent about $2K passing through permissions for paragraphs I cited (probably one paragraph each, if the citing went over 2 sentences of “fair use” from the sources quoted to prove my main points, from authors whose points seemed to back my own) .. I was so-o-o-o detailed, and CONFIDENT in my editing abilities, since I had worked, for years, in various editing capacities. That was what sucked. Yes..it was, yet, another major disappointment for me, after the spath, not being able to tell my story to the world. Profiling him on the intranet had to suffice, in the meantime, to alleviate the grief.
Zim
That’s awesome Zim! Keep up the great work. Sorry about the bad deal with the publisher. They can be like that…gotta watch out for people. They want your stuff but have problems with the way you handle your own stuff. Kind of SPATHIC, isn’t it? 🙂
I am sure you will find another way to hook it up.
The hardest part is already over.
I have had several people approach me about a book.
Unfortunately, LIVING THROUGH IT the first time was plenty. Unknown to me, I would have to live through it ONE MORE TIME to get it straight in my mind and by-golley, that was just one time too many for me! I tell everyone: “YOU WRITE IT and I WILL BACK YOU UP!” How’s that? 🙂
I admire your strength for writing it all down, Zim.
I am sorry you felt compelled to write it in the first place.
That’s the sad part.
*BIG HUGS TO YOU*
Duped NO MORE!
Yes, my ex spath DEMOLISHED me..or what I REMEMBERED as “me” or some time, because of his duplicity. But I used my FULL spiritual strength, WITHIN ME.. “conjured” it up, if you will.. GATHERED IT, recalling WHO I WAS”BEFORE he took over my life. What I remembered was that, before him, in the forty years of dating, I had FOUR marriage proposals. Three of them I turned down. The marriage proposal I finally accepted, unfortunately, was from someone who turned out to be a verbal abuser (he was not a SPATH, though.) I divorced him four years later. Still, I REMEMBERED the OTHERS who sought my hand, whose marriage proposals I turned down. I never forgot THOSE. I figured, even in my lowest level of self esteem, which my ex spath had vehemently/purposely tried to whittle away..reduce.., even after all that, I could STILL recall a time when, more men/women/people in my life (who I knew BEFORE him and SINCE him) actually LOVED me than disliked me, throughout my life, and I HAD to focus on those..remember those loved ones. Brings to mind the jazz standard/lyric, “No, no, you CAN’T take that away from me— And neither can your ex spaths TAKE AWAY from you what you GAINED in life, BEFORE them or SINCE them. Just remember that.
right on zimzoomit!
We came into this world with our soul and we are going to leave with it, no matter what happens.
“…no, no, no, you can’t take that away from me!!!!”
I REFUSE to give up my soul so easily….
It needs to stay away from me. Always.
Oh yes, there are still people who love us. I live for those people. They are the ones who make me stronger. xxoo
I will add this..the marriage proposal I accepted was not until I was over age 30, from a “uniformed” man..an “officer”. I cannot believe how NAIVE I still was to believe there was such a thing as An Officer And A Gentleman. He learned, from Officer’s training school, to INTIMIDATE “subordinates”, by yelling at them, ONE INCH from their faces. He tried it ONLY ONE TIME on me. I left him, because of it, and did not look back. I was only half way through college when I left him, so it took great courage to leave. I had much faith, back then, that I still had my life ahead of me, that I could establish a great career (ha! .. no when recessions onset for many years, after I finally graduated, leaving me with nothing but “contract” assignments, and, though they paid well and while I had medical coverage while under them, the COBRA plan just does not suffice for security, and it was like I was a gerbil, on a treadmill, for TWELVE YEARS, stuck in that contract/RFP rut, year after year, when, typically, those contracts..the ONLY work I could get for twelve years..only lasted from three to six months apiece, based on the “proposal/procurement” cycle. Anyone else experience this? What and ENDLESS HELL it was!
Yes, DUPED_IN_SOCAL, you perfectly understand. I had to conjure up ALL those people in my past, who had loved me, since I was a tot, a teen, a sexy woman in my twenties, thirties, forties..everyone who had ever loved me, to BRING BACK, into my consciousness, what was GOOD about me..what I had cumulatively ACHIEVED, across decades, that my ex SPATH had tried to demolish, to regain CENTEREDNESS, CALM, ASSUREDNESS about myself..things that the spath COULD NOT remove about me! It took some doing. At times, but less and less, as the years go by, those awful nightmares resurface. I keep large, visible boxes [empty salad boxes from COSTCO] filled with beautiful shells, collected since I was a child, in my bathroom, at my feet, reminding me of my beautiful childhood..WHEN THE SPATH WAS NOT IN MY LIFE..keep them there, to view, as if I’m finding them on a beach, NOW, not yesterday. Little things like that help.
I remember times..places I traveled (my ex spath never left the country, when I knew him; I think he thought that joining with me, via “osmosis” would bring him “culture”), in my childhood, in my teens, in my twenties, and as an adult (I also worked overseas.)
He was a CLOD, empty of culture, without sucking it from his partners, hoping to GAIN what THEY had..MIRRORING them and what they liked.
zim – i was musing today that i should write the sotry the spath told me (all supposedly true and all a lie) and publish it as mine. that would piss her off royally – but, then she’d be caught – because if she tried to lay claim to it, she would have to admit it was her! (internet con) bwahaaha…
bwaahahahahahaha one/joy….brilliant!
Until she sues you for likeness. 🙂
I have often thought almost the same kind of thing but they would KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT IT WAS THEM. We would have to change OUR NAMES to protect ourselves. We would have to have an agreement with the publisher guaranteeing our anonymity. At least, I would insist upon such a clause. 🙂
Besides, who in the world would ever believe my story??!! Hmm?
It would be tossed on the shelf the same way UFO’s and ANGELS have been throughout time. Kind of like BigFoot and Nessie…who would ever believe it except for ourselves?
I am sure I am not the only one here who is holding back a lot of explanation and to protect yourselves, that is a good and wise thing to do and keep on doing it. I believe they are on the internet, searching for us out there amongst others and I believe that they would do whatever they could to harm us if you piss them off just in the right sort of way. Oh sure, we remember the nice times…nobody wants to remember the bad ones….that is why we are stuck there.
We have to wake up and realize the enormity of what just has happened to us. The seriousness of it. It’s more than just a broken heart and a broken soul and a broken life…it’s about everything we are and have become. It’s every tear we have ever cried and every smile we have ever smiled. It is all those joyful moments that I know we ALL have seen before and they are just there, waiting for us to grab them again. I believe it’s so but we have to soothe our butchered souls first because we know we can’t be truly happy and at peace inside unless we quench that thirst within our souls. Once we do that, within ourselves, the rest will unfold and we will find ourselves exactly in the place that we allow ourselves to be in.
We are what we expect for ourselves.
*BIG HUGS*
Dupity Doo
I still seek your input, LF bloggers, to my statement above,
“I was a gerbil, on a treadmill, for TWELVE YEARS, stuck in that contract/RFP rut, year after year, when, typically, those contracts..the ONLY work I could get for twelve years..only lasted from three to six months apiece, based on the “proposal/procurement” cycle. Anyone else experience this? ”
Did any of you work in IT (information technology), DoD (department of defense) or mainly in any occupation where you were “stuck” in a “cubie” for months/years..in those occupations that required clearances and wearing badges?
Just wondering…
It was sheer hell for me. I noticed, in those occupations, that the so-called “permanent” workers who had wedding rings resented, or viewed as “lesser person” those who didn’t have wedding rings. There seemed to be a “culture” of “one-upmanship” .. not so different than a “Bible Thumper’s” haughty “holier-than-thou” attitude, that, if they saw a coworker without a wedding ring, when the coworker was age 40 or above, they would seem to “project” her as a lesbian, or project that something was “wrong” with her? … when it was NO FAULT OF HER OWN THAT SHE DID NOT HAVE A HUSBAND OR A DECENT MATE!
This topic could be a whole separate LF thread/blog/topic..about the “WE/THEM” mentality, that seemed to me to infiltrate the climate of the 1990’s, and probably has not stopped, since.
Zim
At those awful “sterile” jobs, I regularly would set a “family” photo of myself, my ex (spath) and his daughter..of us all together, on my desk..just like those married women did, of their husbands/families, so as not to seem like the “odd woman out” .. to get them off my “scent”..meanwhile, he, my spath, was ABUSING me at home, and I was doing everything humanly possible to try to keep that job, to stay afloat, so that, if he should bolt suddenly, at least I would have that job for survival. I know that probably some of you, if not more, have experienced the SAME thing.