In my post last week, I referred to an article on Salon.com called, Facebook status: In a scam relationship. The article starts with an anecdote about a guy who met a woman on Myspace. She supposedly lived in Ghana and proclaimed her love, then told him a hard luck story. He sent her a total of $14,000, even though they never met. The person did not exist. The guy was scammed.
After relating the anecdote, the article stated, “He’s a victim of what’s called ”˜love fraud.’”
I had two reactions to that sentence. The first was, “Wow—”˜love fraud’ has entered the lexicon.” The second was, “This writer doesn’t get it—love fraud is not limited to cyber scams.”
Then, a few days ago, I received an inquiry from a television talk show producer who is considering doing an episode about “love fraud.” He Googled, “love fraud,” and of course, immediately landed on this website and blog. He too, however, seemed to think that love fraud was limited to fake romances conducted over the Internet, which turn out to be money scams.
It’s time to set the record straight.
When I learned that my ex-husband, James Montgomery, was a sociopath, and that millions of sociopaths were out in the world putting peoples’ lives through a meat grinder, as had happened to me, I realized that the public needed to be educated. Although I was in the midst of my divorce and couldn’t immediately embark on an education program, I decided that I would eventually build a website.
So 12 years ago, on August 7, 1999, I reserved the domain name, “Lovefraud.com.” If you want proof, check the Who Is information.
Lovefraud.com launched on July 20, 2005. Our logo is trademarked. “Love fraud” is my term. Therefore, I will define it:
Love fraud is the intentional exploitation of an individual through manipulating emotions and trust in a personal relationship. The exploitative relationship is frequently romantic, but can also be between family members, friends and associates. The relationship can take place in real life, or exist only through communications media. The people who engage in love fraud are sociopaths.
For years, I’ve heard from people who want to tell me about their “love frauds.” In fact, I have collected more than 2,500 cases of people who tangled with sociopaths. Yes, I’ve heard about online scams. But I’ve also heard about betrayal by high school sweethearts, long-term spouses, family members, first dates, co-workers and business partners. This type of exploitation is widespread. In fact, it is epidemic.
So to all you bloggers and journalists who are suddenly interested in love fraud—this is not just an online money scam. Love fraud occurs any time a disordered individual uses a personal relationship of trust for the sole purpose of exploitation. Unfortunately, it happens much more frequently than most of us realize.
Back_from_the_edge
zimzoomit: are we clones? 🙂
I have a big collection of seashells, as well! Some I have collected from around the world. A massive collection of all shapes, sizes, makes and models! 🙂 I can tell you where every single one came from because every single one has a special memory attached to it. I remember every single one.
Amazing.
Yes, we MUST cling to those GOOD things. I am alone most of the time even though my life is so busy and I am very seriously ill, all at the same time. Dealing with this situation; dealing with more than anyone could imagine, actually. I have lived in a constant state of ‘captivity’ for almost the past five years. I was beaten mentally, emotionally and eventually physically, through a deteriorating health condition. I KNOW how hostages feel. I lived it. Only mine wasn’t with chains, tape, locks…mine was inside of myself. It was using myself to destroy myself. Another paradox. Satan deals in paradoxes.
You bet I went to church today and knelt down on the altar and said my prayers and looked up at Christ on that cross. You bet I did. When I dipped my fingers in that Holy Water and put it to my lips, I tasted my salvation. I am humbled and empowered.
I am grateful to have however many more days I am given.
I will try not to waste them any further.
CLOD: that is an EXCELLENT WORD to describe them!
Mine was duh duh duh, like Rocky. Remember him???
Yah, like that. Loveable and cute enough but duhhhhhhhhhh…..well, thanks you guys for holding my hand on the big THREE MONTH ANNIVERSARY NIGHT. Still it is quiet. Shhhh…..don’t disturb it. Maybe it HAS forgotten about me. 🙂
ONE CAN ONLY HOPE!!!!!! 🙂
They don’t know how to have soul like we do and they hate us for that. 😉 Yes, zimzoomit, I DO understand you, completely. You keep hanging onto those memories…the GOOD ONES of anything other than “IT”. xxoo Prayers & Hugs…
Dupity Doo Duh, Dupity Doo…
zimzoomit
In those days, in those “sterile” job environments, more than a few of those co-workers who were married..who had wedding rings and/or were pregnant, seemed to relish “lording it over” those who didn’t..like flaunting “feathers in their caps” .. In fact, they seemed to relish that “bring your child to work” day, when their children would INTERRUPT the work of others (who had no children, had no wedding ring, had no prospects of an honest partner)..very sad, indeed. Anyone else experience this?
Back_from_the_edge
Yes, zimzoomit, we have experienced the same things. Maybe only unique as unto ourselves but basically the same things.
I was stuck behind a desk my whole life it seems, being everyone elses everything except for to myself. I had four kids to feed. Hungry mouths don’t take excuses, you know…
I had set aside my life the moment I first became a mother. I told myself at that time, that from that moment forward, my life wasn’t about just me anymore. It was about my children. I had a reason and a responsibility, all rolled into one. Motherhood is so rewarding when you have wonderful kids. Mine are pretty great. I couldn’t have prayed for better. But Motherhood, to me, becomes TRULY REWARDING NOW. They are all in their 40’s and I am growing older and every single one of them has come to me and said: “Thank you Mom for being such a wonderful Mother to us. We understand now what it was like for you and how much you sacrificed for us and we are sorry for anything we may have done to make you crazier than you already are!” ahahahaha Naughty children. ;0
Yes, ME/THEM mentality. I see it everywhere. It really isn’t a fair mentality to be in – I mean this IS the year 2011; right? Hmm..let me check my calendar…. yep, looks like 2011 to me!
I know exactly what you mean about two faced hypocrites, but you are right…that could be a WHOLE NOTHER THREAD! 😉
Sometimes all you can do with small minds is leave them laying there and walk away.
Hugs zimzoomit. 🙂
zimzoomit
It was as if none of them could remember what it was like to be a SINGLE person, standing, self-reliant, on his/her own, BEFORE he/she was married (if he/she EVER did so..if he/she didn’t just jump from his/her parent’s home directly into the workforce, and many of them, I think, never had to stand on their own, for years, supporting themselves, with their own apartments, etc., before landing those jobs..much like Trust Fund Babies), so they could not imagine or visualize anyone with self-sustaining abilities and had employed them for years .. COULD NOT EMPATHIZE with others who had stood on their own, without a life partner, for years, because they went from INSULATION/protection from their parents, to INSULATION/protection of their first or second job. They did not know how to live by the “seat of their pants” ..never knew what it was like to live in apartments or places where the rents kept going up and up, made to move when the rents got higher.
Louise
zimzoomit:
I don’t know if what I did is the same thing you are talking about, but I left my job of 12 years last year because of the spath and the OW and not only that, I really hated my job and was super stressed out and then those two came along.
It was a very corporate environment where yes, I felt like I was in the rat race or like a gerbil on a treadmill as you put it…same thing. I felt like I just banged my head against the wall all day every day because there was so much red tape and bureaucracy. Plus, my manager did not like me for whatever reason, but she didn’t like many people.
Yep, sat in a cube for 12 years. I was miserable the whole time. And yes, we had to wear our badges at all times. Couldn’t get in anywhere without it and I mean anywhere.
I always feel that way as far as being 47 and unmarried. Society looks down on people like us. They can think there is something wrong with me all they want. I know my worth and know what I have to offer. I just don’t want to give it to anyone now…haha.
zimzoomit
..then..the SPATH butts into your life..NOTICES you feel anxious or antsy about having to “live by the seat of your pants” for so long, and STRIKES..LIKE A SNAKE! He probably figures you, being wise, have saved $ wisely, because of your misfortunes or disadvantaged circumstances in life. So he POUNCES on that..counts on the fact that you probably “won’t know the difference” between a good boyfriend, potentially good husband and himself, because, as he sees it, you haven’t had that much experience “being married” .. or at least, the way he sees it, you’ve never been married to a man that had “more than” him, so he POUNCES on that. Oh boy. I could go on and on.
Louise
zimzoomit:
Also, I always felt like the women who had children got away with a whole lot more. They were always leaving early or not coming in because their kids were sick. Although I can understand it, I think some milked it for all it was worth.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
duped – I met my spath online (and talked to ‘him’ and his sib on phone) she made up a lover for me. a boy. and his bf, and his sibs and his….blahblah, he was dying, he he was suicidal when he found out he was dying, he died, then his sister (who secretly abused him as a child) killed her self, then his bf died………..BLAH FUCKING BLAH. So when i said i’d use the story she made up, i meant quite literally – Her REAL name would never have to be used. see. brilliant, huh!
zimzoomit
.. and, if you don’t own a home when he comes into your life (I sold my half back to my ex husband), he might assume you are a mere, lesser human..a mere “proletariat” who gained little in life. He might possibly PROJECT you as a communist down the line, after he’s done with you, because the woman he left you for had a home..a home she gained with the help of her first and/or second husband, therefore, she appears to be a better “merger mate” .. and, even though she doesn’t bother to investigate that he went BANKRUPT while he lived with you, she takes on his worldview, takes the “one up” stance on you, even though he ENLISTED her to UNDO the woman (you) he was living with, for years, before he seduced her.
zimzoomit
..and this all happens despite the fact you are from a family with strong work ethics. Your father, grandfather and sibling males (as mine did) might have all served in the US military (my father was buried in Arlington National Cemetery .. all those things led me to a career in DoD contracts. It was the INFLUENCE.) .. Your spath would have a difficult time proving his false projection of you (“communist!” or “lazy”) given your background and your work history. NOTE…he is PROJECTING his OWN faults onto YOU, when he does this.