In my post last week, I referred to an article on Salon.com called, Facebook status: In a scam relationship. The article starts with an anecdote about a guy who met a woman on Myspace. She supposedly lived in Ghana and proclaimed her love, then told him a hard luck story. He sent her a total of $14,000, even though they never met. The person did not exist. The guy was scammed.
After relating the anecdote, the article stated, “He’s a victim of what’s called ”˜love fraud.’”
I had two reactions to that sentence. The first was, “Wow—”˜love fraud’ has entered the lexicon.” The second was, “This writer doesn’t get it—love fraud is not limited to cyber scams.”
Then, a few days ago, I received an inquiry from a television talk show producer who is considering doing an episode about “love fraud.” He Googled, “love fraud,” and of course, immediately landed on this website and blog. He too, however, seemed to think that love fraud was limited to fake romances conducted over the Internet, which turn out to be money scams.
It’s time to set the record straight.
When I learned that my ex-husband, James Montgomery, was a sociopath, and that millions of sociopaths were out in the world putting peoples’ lives through a meat grinder, as had happened to me, I realized that the public needed to be educated. Although I was in the midst of my divorce and couldn’t immediately embark on an education program, I decided that I would eventually build a website.
So 12 years ago, on August 7, 1999, I reserved the domain name, “Lovefraud.com.” If you want proof, check the Who Is information.
Lovefraud.com launched on July 20, 2005. Our logo is trademarked. “Love fraud” is my term. Therefore, I will define it:
Love fraud is the intentional exploitation of an individual through manipulating emotions and trust in a personal relationship. The exploitative relationship is frequently romantic, but can also be between family members, friends and associates. The relationship can take place in real life, or exist only through communications media. The people who engage in love fraud are sociopaths.
For years, I’ve heard from people who want to tell me about their “love frauds.” In fact, I have collected more than 2,500 cases of people who tangled with sociopaths. Yes, I’ve heard about online scams. But I’ve also heard about betrayal by high school sweethearts, long-term spouses, family members, first dates, co-workers and business partners. This type of exploitation is widespread. In fact, it is epidemic.
So to all you bloggers and journalists who are suddenly interested in love fraud—this is not just an online money scam. Love fraud occurs any time a disordered individual uses a personal relationship of trust for the sole purpose of exploitation. Unfortunately, it happens much more frequently than most of us realize.
My spath never intended on staying with me from the get-go.
What happened was he met a very wealthy girl before me.
She was about 2 years older than him. We were in our mid-twenties when this happened in the early 1980’s.
He wanted to marry her but he had a lot of debt.
So he married me, convincing me he wanted to make a life with me. He didn’t tell me about all his debt until after we married.
Then he told me we’d both have to work real hard so we could pay off his debt and raise a family.
What he really wanted was for me to help him pay off his debt so he could marry the rich girl. He never intended to remain with me. I don’t know what his intent was for marrying her? Maybe he thought he could mooch off her.
Even after their divorce I suspect he still used her.
She was young too like me and him but she never moved on
and found another relationship. Either she was scared she’d find another loser or she was still hung up on him.
When he walked out on me I moved on. I was still hurting for a long time but I never had contact with him after the night he left. He went straight into a divorce with me and marriage with her. He bagged his prize right away.
She was his target. I was his meanwhile.
I know in the beginning she didn’t know he was married.
I have no idea when he finally told her about me. If it was after they were married or before. I suspect it was after because if he told her before she might have suspected he was a cheat and not gone through with the wedding. He hid his long-term girlfriend from me till after we were married.
He never lived with his long-term girlfriend but that was because she was aware of his condition. She was very friendly
with his mother so I suspect she was let in on his secret.
Joanie:
Thanks for sharing your story. Why didn’t he stay married to the wealthy girl?
He was drop dead gorgeous and he was a big cheat.
When we were married the women were attracted to him like flies to honey. About a week before we broke up one of his girlfriends called my house looking for him. The women were always looking for him and the fact he was married did not stop them. They called my house and came to my house looking for him. He never stopped them like a respectable husband would. My girlfriend said, “he gives them the space to do this to you.”
I suspect the rich girl caught him in the act. I don’t believe with her money he abused her as he did me. He was most definately more careful. She may have paid agents to follow him and get the goods. Rich people have a lot to lose so she probably divorced him so she wouldn’t have to pay him alimony. Also he married way above his station and used me and fraud to do so. Rich people can see through a “usurper.”
After her divorce she probably used him for sex like a “toy boy” and he probably got cash out of her. But her people more than likely told her to get rid of him.
He was trash and so was his family. But he probably put on a high class act to get her. Her family was classy I was told and so was she. I couldn’t imagine why she never moved on and married another guy. She was still young when this happened.
Joanie, that is a fascinating story.
Although they all use everyone as a stepping stone for the next rung, your spath was particularly focused on that.
We think we are helping each other up the ladder, but when it’s our turn to go up, the ladder gets snatched away… interesting.
My spath sister is married to a trojan horse spath that my ex-spath sent to marry her. He had been a meth addict, but then became a cop. His credit was shot because he had never paid his bills. He used her to get out of debt, clean up his credit and is on the road to ruining her financially for good. They are in debt and upside down on two houses, even though he makes 80+ thousand a year as a homeland security agent. sick.
I guess his next move is to finish her off and move upwards…
Skylar: He’ll move on only if the well runs dry or something better comes along. My spath was 27 when he moved on.
He was extremely attractive at that age and very muscular.
Now he’s close to 60. I imagine he still looks for the occasional new woman. But more than likely I picture him a beached whale like James Montgomery sitting on his sofa eating bon-bon’s and contemplating life’s woes.
The older they get it get’s harder to move up the ladder. If he’s an old man he’s not going any where’s but to hell. That’s his next pitstop! LOL!!!
Joanie,
he has plans to take everything and destroy her. They are both 42 yo. She’s a spath too, though. I did try to warn her but she won’t believe me. It’s hard to feel bad about spath on spath violence.
I hope that they all end up like James Montgomery. That would be justice. Or maybe they are all like Oxy’s P-son, who thinks he’s won even though he is in hell/prison. Wouldn’t that be funny if it turns out James thinks he’s a winner? LOL!
I was victim of a man my son believes is a sociopath. I thought he was bipolar and had sociopathic traits. He went all over me for ages, talking sex, wanting to be with me, treating me like an special person, phoning, writting emails, and eventually meeting me many times a week and sleeping with me. Later in the relationship he started showing his fangs, destructing everything, taking lots and lots of money from me unshamedelly, asking for lendings crying on the phone for medical reasons and when I offered to go to the doctor with him and pay there he said I did not trust him and had a terrible tamtrum, didnt speak to me for a day, treating me like absolute trash.
Finally I relented and gave him a good sum of money for the doctor,he said it was only a lending but i dont need to tell you that I have never seen it again, nor the other huge amounts I gave him for his day to day life.
You might think that Im really gullible, but in the situation where you believe the person is your partner and needs help you do anything to help him if he is without money of a job.
I have also payed for trips out of state, he had a special voice when wanting to travel with me, he knew that I would pay absoutely everything.
He also got clothes, shoes, a mobile, a computer and case, many dinners, I mean MANY, towels, sheets, a camera that he conveniently lost (i think he sold it), a coffee machine and many more things I gave him thinking he was going to be my husband as he promised me.
Now he just abandoned me, got another woman, has cheated on me last year and came back to me when he wanted more free dinners. He used me for sex and after having a full sexual relationship with me for months he suddenly dropped me sexually saying the other woman was better than me.
I feel used and abused beyond belief, he has clamly said he has another woman, and that he prefers love than money, so what made him take so much money from me.
I should add that Im an intelligent, beautiful woman, I have a good job, Im a good calm person, sexy and I take care of myself. All this did not prevent me from falling for a sociopath who had all the signs, he had three women before me and ALL put him out of the house, he cheated constantly and left four children without a father, his eldest daugher deslikes him and avoids him. He looks for sex, says he is not open to love, cannot love, do not hold hands or kiss , ever. Sex is mechanic and he is very manipulative when he wants of sex or money, phoning in the middle of the night even. he is a bundle of problems, I now said I dont want to know about him again, but he had said before that he does not want anything to do with me apart from friendsip, and this is amazing, for someone who spent nerly two years seeing me nearly everyday, slepping together, travelling, saying the most wonderful things about me, promising the world ( we are going to spend our lives together, our love was made in heaven, you are my wife).
The pain in unbeliavable, and I ll never get back the money and the self esteem I lost.
Dear Trista: I am so sorry this has happened to you. My heart and thoughts and prayers are with you. You aren’t alone. All of us here are in the same kind of place in our lives.
We each have our own unique stories and situations but the underlying issues and things we are trying to live with, they are all the same. I can so completely relate to you. I have been on this journey for five years, searching for answers but all total 9 years in the relationship.
They use us for our strength and what we have to offer without conscious nor effort nor appreciation because they don’t have those ‘inner workings’ and ‘values’ the same as we do. They don’t care like we do. They are broken in their hearts and minds. We can’t save THEM but we can save ourselves and our children. We must make OURSELVES strong within and that is not an easy task but one that is eventually so very rewarding. Learning how to NOT cry and feel horrid, 24/7 – NOT being a mess every time I open my eyes in the morning! I have literally had to retrain myself to do just every day normal functional things after my experience. I have been in counseling for going on 5 years now. It wasn’t just my spath experience but a lifetime of dysfunction and traumas, from a small child. That past life set me up for this nightmare with spath. I am sure of it now.
We can’t change them but we sure can change ourselves. 😉
Let them have their vileness, I say. I am walking into the light and I don’t care what they do because we all have CHOICES and one of mine is NOT living that way anymore.
YOU WILL get your self esteem back, Trista. YOU WILL if you want to. They didn’t take that person we are inside. That person is still there. It just has to learn to LIVE again. xxoo
Welcome Trista…stick around…the people here are awesome!
They have helped me sooooooooooooooo much.
*BLESSINGS TRISTA*
Duped
Donna
Good for you. Own the word, tell the story! I am thrilled that the press is picking up on this. The story can only be told from the point of view of a victim. People who look from the outside can NOT understand it.
All,
I ran across a great article in The Economist this week that is linked to LoveFraud concerns. The article is about physiognomy, the idea is that “character” is etched into an individual’s face. There are recent studies that suggest that features do matter, and that they can predict dishonesty and provoke orgasm. These studies were done at the U of Wisconsin-Milwaukee and was published.
There are also studies that are coming out in “Evolution and Human Behavior” by David Puts at Penn State that are related.
We all have have had discussions about the similarity in our sociopath’s physical features. It appears our anecdotal experience may be rooted in actual science. Here is a link to the article “Facing The Truth, Why a man’s face can lie but still produce orgasms”.
http://www.economist.com/node/18925759
Superkid10
Joanie:
You say your X spath was drop dead gorgeous. My mom had always told me to never be with a gorgeous man because every woman would want him…she was right. It’s a curse. Luckily, I never went after looks with a man, but my X spath is very cute. Not drop dead gorgeous, but there is something about him without a doubt.