In my post last week, I referred to an article on Salon.com called, Facebook status: In a scam relationship. The article starts with an anecdote about a guy who met a woman on Myspace. She supposedly lived in Ghana and proclaimed her love, then told him a hard luck story. He sent her a total of $14,000, even though they never met. The person did not exist. The guy was scammed.
After relating the anecdote, the article stated, “He’s a victim of what’s called ”˜love fraud.’”
I had two reactions to that sentence. The first was, “Wow—”˜love fraud’ has entered the lexicon.” The second was, “This writer doesn’t get it—love fraud is not limited to cyber scams.”
Then, a few days ago, I received an inquiry from a television talk show producer who is considering doing an episode about “love fraud.” He Googled, “love fraud,” and of course, immediately landed on this website and blog. He too, however, seemed to think that love fraud was limited to fake romances conducted over the Internet, which turn out to be money scams.
It’s time to set the record straight.
When I learned that my ex-husband, James Montgomery, was a sociopath, and that millions of sociopaths were out in the world putting peoples’ lives through a meat grinder, as had happened to me, I realized that the public needed to be educated. Although I was in the midst of my divorce and couldn’t immediately embark on an education program, I decided that I would eventually build a website.
So 12 years ago, on August 7, 1999, I reserved the domain name, “Lovefraud.com.” If you want proof, check the Who Is information.
Lovefraud.com launched on July 20, 2005. Our logo is trademarked. “Love fraud” is my term. Therefore, I will define it:
Love fraud is the intentional exploitation of an individual through manipulating emotions and trust in a personal relationship. The exploitative relationship is frequently romantic, but can also be between family members, friends and associates. The relationship can take place in real life, or exist only through communications media. The people who engage in love fraud are sociopaths.
For years, I’ve heard from people who want to tell me about their “love frauds.” In fact, I have collected more than 2,500 cases of people who tangled with sociopaths. Yes, I’ve heard about online scams. But I’ve also heard about betrayal by high school sweethearts, long-term spouses, family members, first dates, co-workers and business partners. This type of exploitation is widespread. In fact, it is epidemic.
So to all you bloggers and journalists who are suddenly interested in love fraud—this is not just an online money scam. Love fraud occurs any time a disordered individual uses a personal relationship of trust for the sole purpose of exploitation. Unfortunately, it happens much more frequently than most of us realize.
Louise
skylar:
Yeah, I hope mine ends up fat, bald and ugly!! Man, would that be revenge!!
skylar
Superkid,
interesting article, thanks. My exP would definitely fit the ratio. He has a very broad face.
Louise
SK:
Thanks. Just read the article. Very interesting. My X spath also has a wide face…skylar says hers did, too. Weird. My X spath was wide, but small at the same time. Hmmmm. Who knows, but interesting read anyway.
maverickwest
Great that love fraud is becoming a household word! Three years ago, thought sociopaths were like serial killers.. Hannibal Lector types… how little did I know that the very person who professed their love for me, was behind my back stealing my money, my credit and my sanity. I got out, but not without major battle wounds. He is still to this day abusing me through the court system… Got a whack in the face yesterday with how he interpreted the law and did things his way… he has caused me great harm, as I now no longer have a job, shaky confidence, money bleeding through my hands and credit that is the pits! Why, because I was a nice girl, who believed that people can change, that love cures all…. and that people tell the truth… Please send up prayers today as I deal with the latest lawsuit development… I can tell people don’t mess with a sociopath and the legal system… you will not get the outcome you hoped for…
candy
Maverick – Hi. Not seen you for a while. Sounds like you are having a really rough time. Yep, we learned the hard lesson that love DOES NOT cure all.
Stay strong, I know it may not feel like it at the moment BUT a door will open for you soon. Good luck with the lawsuit.
superkid10
Skylar
It wasn’t long ago that my spath finally showed me pictures of his parents (both now deceased).
His mother had a number of mental illnesses, and his father, like himself, now that I think about it, had a very very wide face.
Combining the wide face theory with the high testosterone theory….I dunno…..leading indicators?
SK
behind_blue_eyes
SK;
While both my x-spath and I have very, very similar faces, I am relived that his is indeed “wider” and in general more round whereas mine is more longer and more angular.
This is very evident in the 5 and 10 year old pictures he uses online.
It blows my mind that each time I learn something new about sociopathic or toxic individuals, it fits him.
skylar
Superkid,
I agree, there might be a connection. I don’t think testosterone is a cause but it might be an aggravating factor.
For example,
My exSpath had 3 brothers born before him. He was definitely very masculine looking and muscular. He is a sex addict. He is attracted sexually to anything, male or female.
I can imagine that these feelings would have been very confusing to a boy born into a redneck family of 6 boys on a farm. Add his psychopath father and grandfather and doormat mother into the mix… and you have a perfect recipe for a spath.
candy
Trista – Hi
’I was victim of a man my son believes is a sociopath’ if your son says this he is probably right. My kids tried to tell me ”“ but I was in denial. I did not want to burst the bubble of ’happiness’. Reading your story it was almost like reading, word for word, my ex spath.
’I thought he was bipolar and had sociopathic traits’. Yep, we have all tried to ’find’ a diagnosis that fits. There’s a sliding rule when it comes to spaths. Some are more spathy than others.
’He went all over me for ages, talking sex, wanting to be with me, treating me like an special person, phoning, writting emails, and eventually meeting me many times a week and sleeping with me’ ”“ this is called love-bombing and they all do it.
’Later in the relationship he started showing his fangs, destructing everything, taking lots and lots of money from me unshamedelly, asking for lendings’ ”“ this is when the mask falls and we see them for what they are.
’crying on the phone for medical reasons’ – this is known as the ’pity me ploy.
’terrible tamtrum, didnt speak to me for a day, treating me like absolute trash- this meant you are stepping out of line and he needed to let you know that he was in control.
’Finally I relented and gave him a good sum of money’ ”“ bingo, he got what he wanted.
’You might think that Im really gullible’ ”“ nope we DO NOT think that at all. You were tricked.
’to help him if he is without money of a job’ ”“ I can relate to this.
’I have also payed for trips, he knew that I would pay absoutely everything’ ”“ he saw you as a golden goose and he wanted your golden eggs.
’He also got clothes, shoes, a mobile, a computer and case, many dinners, I mean MANY, towels, sheets, a camera that he conveniently lost (i think he sold it), a coffee machine and many more things I gave him’ ”“ yep I did this too.
’he suddenly dropped me sexually saying the other woman was better than me’ ”“ NO the other woman is NOT better than you. He realised that you could see his mask falling so he gets out and finds someone who WILL give him his next fix ie money, sex, holidays. It’s what they do.
’that he prefers love than money’ ”“ he cannot love. He does not have the capacity and he definitely has no conscience.
’I should add that Im an intelligent, beautiful woman, I have a good job, Im a good calm person, sexy and I take care of myself’ ”“ none of this matters to him. It’s not about YOU it’s about HIM.
’he cheated constantly and left four children without a father’ ”“ that’s spath, creates a load of shite and moves on.
’do not hold hands or kiss , ever’ ”“ he can’t because he gets no ’joy’ from this.
’Sex is mechanic’ ”“ you were just an object, a sex toy. They HAVE sex, but they cannot make love. They have no emotion.
’he does not want anything to do with me apart from friendsip’ BIG RED FLAG. This means that he wnts to keep you on the back-burner just incase the current girlfriend dumps him. NO CONTACT is your only escape.
’saying the most wonderful things about me, promising the world’ ”“ yeah right?! Most of the people on LF can relate to THIS old line.
’I’ll never get back the money’ ”“ nope. Don’t even bother trying.
’The pain in unbeliavable’ ”“ today is day one of your healing journey. Stay and learn.
superkid10
Candy
Well done. I hope Trista reads your post and benefits from it.
I could have written Trista’s note myself. The fact that you took it apart piece by piece – it could have been my story as well.
Yesterday I looked at some very old emails from my spath. At the time, I was DEEP into depression. I was in constant emotional pain. I was in total love with the man. And yet in the same day, he
1. Said he loved me so deeply he couldn’t possibly express it
2. Told me he didn’t want to see me ever again
3. Refused to answer my phone call, said not to come by or “things would end badly”
4. Changed the subject, and started talking about the stock market
And at the time I was just barely surviving, hanging on every word, jumping for joy when he said he loved me, crying in confusion when he mysteriously pulled away.
He could do all of that – cause all of that pain – because he had no emotion towards me. He enjoyed the control and manipulation. He got off on hurting me.
My spath never wanted money. He has millions. He just wanted a plaything.
He made it seem like he was charming, fun, interesting, and that we had common interests. We do have some common interests, but his personality is anything BUT charming. He is negative, he is a dweeb, he has no friends, he’s a loner, and he’s lazy.
I can’t even believe I suggested myself to that.
Anyway, well done.
SK