In my post last week, I referred to an article on Salon.com called, Facebook status: In a scam relationship. The article starts with an anecdote about a guy who met a woman on Myspace. She supposedly lived in Ghana and proclaimed her love, then told him a hard luck story. He sent her a total of $14,000, even though they never met. The person did not exist. The guy was scammed.
After relating the anecdote, the article stated, “He’s a victim of what’s called ”˜love fraud.’”
I had two reactions to that sentence. The first was, “Wow—”˜love fraud’ has entered the lexicon.” The second was, “This writer doesn’t get it—love fraud is not limited to cyber scams.”
Then, a few days ago, I received an inquiry from a television talk show producer who is considering doing an episode about “love fraud.” He Googled, “love fraud,” and of course, immediately landed on this website and blog. He too, however, seemed to think that love fraud was limited to fake romances conducted over the Internet, which turn out to be money scams.
It’s time to set the record straight.
When I learned that my ex-husband, James Montgomery, was a sociopath, and that millions of sociopaths were out in the world putting peoples’ lives through a meat grinder, as had happened to me, I realized that the public needed to be educated. Although I was in the midst of my divorce and couldn’t immediately embark on an education program, I decided that I would eventually build a website.
So 12 years ago, on August 7, 1999, I reserved the domain name, “Lovefraud.com.” If you want proof, check the Who Is information.
Lovefraud.com launched on July 20, 2005. Our logo is trademarked. “Love fraud” is my term. Therefore, I will define it:
Love fraud is the intentional exploitation of an individual through manipulating emotions and trust in a personal relationship. The exploitative relationship is frequently romantic, but can also be between family members, friends and associates. The relationship can take place in real life, or exist only through communications media. The people who engage in love fraud are sociopaths.
For years, I’ve heard from people who want to tell me about their “love frauds.” In fact, I have collected more than 2,500 cases of people who tangled with sociopaths. Yes, I’ve heard about online scams. But I’ve also heard about betrayal by high school sweethearts, long-term spouses, family members, first dates, co-workers and business partners. This type of exploitation is widespread. In fact, it is epidemic.
So to all you bloggers and journalists who are suddenly interested in love fraud—this is not just an online money scam. Love fraud occurs any time a disordered individual uses a personal relationship of trust for the sole purpose of exploitation. Unfortunately, it happens much more frequently than most of us realize.
Behind Blue Eyes,
YIKES! Feeling sorry for people is one of my major faults! That is exacty what got me in the situation with female spath…BE CAREFUL of who you feel sorry for, then again, I don’t need to tell you ; )
Yes, I suppose we will all eventually decline as we age. But if we live long enough, we will be able to watch their decline and feel oh so grateful….
(((SuperKid)))
Let yourself feel the sadness and listen to what it’s telling you. It will tell you the real reason why you are sad. I don’t think you really miss him, because he sucks. What is there to miss? It’s something else and your emotions will tell you what the reason is.
The way you describe him is similar to my trojan horse BIL. I wish my stupid spath sis would look up some of these personality traits and see him for what he is. It’s very common for spaths to act that way, always jumping up and doing something.
My own spath wasn’t like that, though. He seemed calm. But he always had to have the TV on or the radio with talk radio going full blast. It’s like they are trying to escape themselves.
gotta run for a bit. xxoo
I was going to share some traits with you guys that my x sp had that I felt were rather peculiar. I have to admit that I noticed there was a slight ‘problem’ when I first met it face to face.
Hyperactivity almost to the point of flailing it’s arms about. Unable to talk in a slow, understandable way. One minute so happy, crying and the next, so mad like a volcano. It liked to hit and that was it’s instant reaction to things that upset it. It’s first reaction. Followed or mixed in with extreme cursing and hatred and laughter. It would be sitting, talking with you, one moment, and the next, it was trying to rip your face off. It was constant. There were NEVER any lucid moments, I saw, except for the moments of lovebombing. And, oh yes, don’t forget the gaslighting.
Pacing and shouting and hollaring and talking monotone and shouting and hollaring some more and then suddenly sit as if nothing had happened. And this was “IT” 24/7. It dug itself into so many holes through it’s lies and deceptions that it is drowning and I seriously believe it wants to take as many with it as it can. I am NOT going to be on that list.
Oh yes, IT was very calm until you made it mad. Then it was like fire and brimstone was raining down. My “IT” hated tv noise; stereo noise; anything like that. It hated being around people. That is why I am so surprised it ended up with me in the first place but once a cheater, always a cheater, I say. Why wouldn’t IT take advantage of a nice, settled woman? Hmm? That would be the SPATH SMART thing to do; right? They don’t like taking care of themselves very much nor often but like to rely upon others to do so for them, justifying that by saying we somehow ‘owe’ them, be it through their words or manipulation of our conscious.
Never underestimate a spath.
I will never forget the ‘high electricity’; the ‘trance like’ state; that smell of high testosterone. It was overwhelming. So much so that each time he came and left, that scent lingered for days in my place. THAT is what evil smells like?
I am surprised I have managed to escape THIS FAR! 😉
We are all going to be alright. Just remember to take care of yourselves; eat right; sleep right; take care of your bodies while we try to save our souls. 🙂
DUPED
Ana;
Keep in mind I knew nothing of this until after the fact, first, when I saw pictures of the x-spath on FB after I was dumped and then what he posts online. While it does not speak well of him using pictures that not not represent what he currently looks like, I gotta believe that at some they were fairly accurate.
Bottom line, not un intended, aging twinks are not in great demand. I know one day I will be old, but even at 41, I do not look in the mirror and worry that I am aging and tbh, I would be terrified if I did, even though at some point I know its going to happen. Even then, I won’t be an aging twink. More a “muscle daddy” god help me.
DUPED:
My X spath was also hyper. Never sat still. It sounds like from everything I am reading on here that they all are. Seems to be a common trait. I wonder why?
Duped,
Thank you for your support. Wow, I needed that tonight. You’re a sweetie. Your SPATH couldn’t sit still either? What weird behavior you describe. I believe my spath had a huge degree of anxiety that drove all of that hyperactivity/tension. He told me he didn’t want anybody to know who he really is because if they did, they wouldn’t like him. !! A true level of anxiety, all the way to the bone. I believe that this is also a source of the lies. He didn’t want to be “known” as he was, so he just changed the truth.
And…I can’t wait to hear your story when your SPATH is behind bars. Yesssss.
Skylar
You have a point, I’m grieving the guy I thought I had. Not the guy he actually is. I get that. I guess I need love? Is that what I’m grieving? Tell me??? I dunno. Anyway, thank you too for reaching out. I went and bawled for a little while.
Behind Blue Eyes
I’m so glad you’re on this site and posting so often. I’m glad you found that article helpful. You’re so articulate. Isn’t it amazing as we share, and examine, and grieve, the things we learn? It’s a holy SHIAT (isn’t that what oxy says?). When I come on here and just read, not post, and I see somebody elses new story (like Trista just posted) I see my entire story in her story and it just blows my mind. It all helps.
I think the work Donna is doing is amazing. She’s our liason to the world at large. Teaching, educating, driving awareness.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
Good night.
SK
Louise;
I would describe my x-spath as “nervous” yet he describes himself online as “chill.” The description on Wiki well suits him “Psychopaths can have a superficial charm… with an overall cold demeanor,” and they do mention comorbid anxiety with some.
I have often wondered if there is a neurological/psychological issue at play within these people that makes them lean toward the ‘darkness’ instead of the ‘light’ in life. Is a early childhood conditioning from traumatic experiences, growing up that makes them the way they are? Or is it choice. Choice, just like we all have? I often think about this and try to understand just exactly what it is and why they are like they are. All of the avenues that I have looked at has shown me there is no explanation. They are just what they are but I think it’s more and deeper than that.
My x sp was almost ADHD in the way he acted. He was also partially deaf, which made him louder than usual. It almost seemed as if he had some kind of speech/thought impediment; not that he stuttered and he certainly didn’t lack any intelligence. In fact, I used to tell him, all the time, that most of his problem was that he was too intelligent and bored and ancy. I almost felt sorry for “IT” first meeting it, that is how pronounced the difficulties were. But then, you know, I learned quickly that “IT” used that ‘sympathy’ very well to get what it wanted. I think he would be classified as ADHD, bi polar p-path. He is very so like something I have never seen or experienced before. Ever.
I never want to see it; hear it or look at it, ever again, as long as I live or I will scream bloody murder from the top of my lungs. THAT is how ugly it had become in the length of time I knew it.
Whatever it is and wherever it came from, I am here to tell you that there is no relationship where I will sacrifice my life over. My life is just as important as anyone elses. I think that just may be the way things will end up turning out. Me, sacrificing my life over all of this and not by my hand.
Mel: I am surprised you chose today of all days, to bring good old ‘Hannibal’ back to mind. Oh how much closer he seems to me this evening.
DUPED
superkid: I am so happy you are feeling better. xxoo
Nope, my spath could not sit still for five seconds and the whole time he would be yacking and breathing and hyperventilating and shouting and flailing his arms and that was just NORMAL for him.
One minute, he could be sitting there, holding your hand and the next trying to break off your fingers. All with a smile and that cold glare in those lifeless eyes. All whimsical with a kiss and a smile. There was nothing warm about it once I got to really know it. It was like a manifestation of the devil itself. I kid you not. It was like a man turning into a werewolf. Just like that. I didn’t even recognize it after the change. He did tell me, once, he had gotten a diagnosis of psychopath but flat out refuses any treatment because it would interfere with his lifestyle.
There is nothing we can do to save them. They have to save themselves just like we are trying to do. If you look at it all properly, you will see that our association with them is affecting our lives in such adverse ways. We have to be stronger inside and look at ourselves for who we really are and make our choices accordingly. I don’t think ANY of us has ‘deserved’ this. If that were true, as I said before, we wouldn’t be searching for the answers like good, conscious-filled people do.
Sometimes all we can do is take a deep breath, pull up our boot straps and forge ahead having faith in ourselves more than anything else. I think that this is one of those moments. For all of us. Let them do whatever it is they are doing with their ugly lives…..what are we doing with OURS? 🙂
*BIG HUGS*
Duped
BBE:
That was my X spath exactly…a superficial charm”with an overall cold demeanor. Very playful and charming, but there was melancholy there; a coldness. Actually, if I had to describe him in one word it would be “playful.” But it was a superficial playfulness if that makes any sense.