Why can’t I leave? 5 years with a malignant narcissist

I was in a 5 year relationship with a malignant narc.  When I first laid eyes on him, I was infatuated!! But he was married, and I don’t mess with married men.  

A few years later I ran into him and he was single, so I asked him out and the rest is history. Our first date he took me to a party in the middle of nowhere, and left me sit there all night by myself.  I should have run at that moment and never looked back. Then we went back to his house and had sex, yes on the first date!!! A few weeks later, he made it official that we were a couple, and I was elated!! I moved in with him 2 weeks after our first date.  Everything was wonderful, I couldn’t get enough of this man. It was bliss for exactly 3 months!!

He brought an ex girlfriend to the house to meet me, why I have no idea. I hated her from the moment we met, and I told her that to her face in front of him. From that day on I never trusted him. I would look at his phone and I knew they were having sex. I have no idea why I stayed, I was only 3 months into this and could have walked away unharmed.

He basically spent the next 5 years stealing my life, and killing me slowly.  He got me addicted to drugs. He would put meth in my coffee and I would feel so wonderful; I didn’t know why.  He would do this for a week, then the next week he wouldn’t and I would sleep for days and miss work. I told him I need to see a doctor because something is not right, how can I be ambitious, and energized one week, then the next week I literally sleep all week. He told me right then what he was doing, because he did not want me to go to the doctor.  So from that moment on he had me hooked. When I met him I had a good job, and $30,000 in the bank. When I left him, 5 years later, I had no job, no money and had to move home with my parents at 48 years old.

The home we lived in was his and he had not been paying the mortgage, bills, taxes for 5 years. I had no idea.  One day the sheriff came and kicked us out, and locked the place up. I can’t believe I was that stupid not to see any of this, it’s like I was blind. He took my jeep and locked it in the garage, I called the police and because it is not titled, there was nothing they could do. He demanded $5,000 to unlock the garage and like an idiot I paid him the money.  

He was the master at extorting money from people. He was a union worker who made $40-$45 an hour and he never worked. In the five years we were together he worked maybe a total of 1 year, they would have voluntary layoffs and he would take them, and make me pay for stuff and I was making $13 an hour.

I bought a brand new car I had it 2 days and he trashed it.  He kicked the side in, thru huge rocks at it. Everything I had, he destroyed out of rage. The first time he choked me, I punched him in the face and gave him a bloody nose, he chased me down the driveway and I saw a gas can and I grabbed it and threw gas on him and lit my lighter, but it did nothing. I wanted to burn him so bad, I could taste it.

This was just the beginning. He threw me down the steps, punched me in the face, locked me out of the house naked in January, I had to climb the trellis and break in thru the bathroom window while he was sleeping, so I took my alarm clock and beat him with it and took the cord and tried to choke him to death but he overpowered me. I would have killed him if he hadn’t woken up.  I tried to stab him on several occasions. I also took his loaded gun and pointed it at his head. All this and I still stayed!! By this time I had lost all of my friends because they thought I was an idiot and couldn’t stand to see me get hurt anymore. My family was so pissed off at me because I am not the type of person to take crap from anyone but this man had a hold on me that I could not understand.

We would have arguments on a daily basis, and he would kick me out and I would leave and he would call and I’d go back every single time. My car was constantly packed with my belongings because I never knew what to expect from him. He had me thinking that this entire problem with the relationship was because of me and I truly believed that.  He told me to go to therapy because he couldn’t stand my behavior anymore. I went to 2 therapists, and because I did not know what a narcissist is, I was basically admitting that I was the problem. I thought I had an anger problem. I never suspected that he was the true problem.

I would find porn all over the place.  In the closet, dvd player, bathroom, his truck, the garage, everywhere.  I have never seen that much porn in my life; he is so disgusting. I found him on several dating websites, and of course it was my fault for snooping.  He was on a swingers, website. I also caught him looking at child porn, like age 15 and up; he is a grandfather — it’s not appropriate to be looking at 15 year old girls naked.  

I found dirty stained women’s underwear in his top dresser drawer, and they were not mine. He blamed me for not minding my own business. He had a sex swing hanging in the spare bedroom, and I never knew why and never asked.  I found a thong, with a vibrator, and a remote control in his closet, and never asked about that either. He was such a pervert. Every time we would go anywhere he would flirt with women right in front of me and laugh about it. He would tell women he wanted to have sex with them. I would just stare at him and think I could kill this man in his sleep!! He would grab women’s asses in front of me. I started fantasizing about killing him. How I would do it, where, when, I would do it.  I would have dreams about killing him every night.

I would say to myself everyday, WTF is going on here?  Why are you putting up this douchebag and all the drama he causes? WTF is wrong with me? Why can’t I leave? Did he make me stupid? I can’t control myself.  I feel as though I am drowning and can’t get out of it. I honestly thought I had a mental problem and this is why I am staying.

After the 4th year I started to have health issues.  I started seeing double, had no vision in my right eye. Severe migraines, that would debilitate me for days. Chest pains that would knock me down, and profuse sweating that was uncontrollable. I went to the doctor and she sent me to a endocrinologist, and he sent me to a neurologist that I never went to because I lost my job and had no insurance. So I suffered with this for another year. When I told him that I am having serious health issues he had a narc rage and blamed my illness for the reason he gets no attention from me.  I wanted to strangle him when he said that.

I would bring food home and he would throw it away because he didn’t like what I brought home.  He would say it’s all about me and I don’t know what he likes because it’s always about me and not him. He never gets anything, no one ever listens to him and no one ever praises him and the world just don’t like him.  These are only a few things that he has done to me in the 5 years we were together. He has absolutely ruined my life.

An old friend came to visit me and I was telling her what was going on.  She couldn’t believe that I actually stayed, she said this is not the person I know, the person I know would have walked away from that and never looked back.  What she said to me made a light go off in my head. I thought there must be something about him that is making me stay. I thought maybe he was giving off a certain pheromone that makes you crazy.

So I Googled what he says to me and low and behold I come across a narcissist. I was at work when I was reading about narcissism. I drove home from work, packed my things, got my dogs and left.  I left him that day, and I never looked back. I blocked him from my phone and that was it. I was done. I am now free of that son of a b*tch and had I known then what I know now, I would never have stayed in that toxic environment. He stole 5 years of my life, made me lose jobs, friends, money , my sanity. I am a narcissist victim survivor and I will never be a victim again.