Book Review: The Narc Decoder Understanding the language of the narcissist, by Tina Swithin.
If you’re involved with a sociopath, narcissist or other disordered individual, there comes a time when they attack.
The love bombing has stopped maybe ages ago. They are through with you, or sense that you are through with them. They either regard you with contempt, or are furious that you figured them out and had the audacity to leave.
They start sending nasty text messages and emails. Here’s one that Tina Swithin, author of The Narc Decoder, received from her ex-husband while they were in the midst of a custody battle over their two daughters:
Tina – The most tragic part is what you are doing and have done to damage the girls. You will have men you date screw you over after they use for a few months. That’s all you are good for. When you remarry, the next guy will cheat on you. 58% of men cheat and you are attracted to that type. Good luck with your life – Seth
In the beginning, you want to scream from the rooftops, “That’s not true! I’ve done everything I can to love, protect and nurture our children. And are you calling me a slut? I am not a slut!”
But Tina advises that you restore your sanity and sense of self by learning how to decode the messages.
Projection
Narcissists, she says, typically engage in projection. When they accuse you of something, it’s because they’re doing it. Or they want to tear you down in order to boost their fragile egos.
In The Narc Decoder, Tina translates a slew of messages from her ex, so you can learn to interpret the outrageous messages that you receive from the sociopath in your life. According to Tina, here’s what the above message really means:
Tina – The most tragic part is what I have done to you and the girls. I am moving on and will begin screwing women and dumping them as soon as they catch wind of who I am. My goal is to dump them before they dump me because my ego can only handle so much! I hate the fact that you are capable of moving on and learning from your experiences with me. The thought of you meeting a normal man and having a healthy relationship eats at me every day and every night. I want you to fail miserably at everything including future relationships. This way, I can blame you for the demise of every relationship you have including ours. Seth
Understanding what the narcissist really said means you can keep yourself from becoming upset.
“Once you understand how to use the Narc Decoder, your life will change for the better,” Tina writes. “You will become empowered and will regain your voice. Over time, you will begin to find humor in the communications style that once left you on your knees begging for mercy.”
Communications advice
In The Narc Decoder, Tina also offers incredibly valuable advice from the trenches about how to communicate with a narcissist with a few simple rules.
The first rule is, do not engage.
Narcissists get high on provoking a reaction in you. When you react, it’s like providing the drug that they crave. So no matter what they do, the best thing you can do is not react.
If what they’ve done requires a response for example, returning your child four hours late from visitation the response should be cool, calm and businesslike. Take the actions you need to take, but do not react emotionally at least not in front of the narcissist.
Tina’s book is full of helpful advice, especially for anyone who is trying to co-parent with a narcissist, sociopath, or other disordered individual. If your head is spinning due to the unfounded accusations and contemptuous statements your ex sends your way, take control. In The Narc Decoder, Tina Swithin tells you how.
The Narc Decoder Understanding the Language of the Narcissist is available on Amazon.com.
Free copy!
Tina provided Lovefraud with two extra copies of The Narc Decoder. We’ll send them to the first two people who ask for them. Just send an email to donna at lovefraud.com. Include your mailing address. This offer is for US addresses only.
UPDATE: The free copies are claimed. Thanks for your interest.
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OMG!
My SP son writes emails just like these. Projection for sure!
He is doing this very thing to my DIL while they are splitting up. EXACTLY the same email almost word for word. How SHE is ruining the family, when in fact, he himself did that. She discovered who he really was and wanted out. How SHE cheated on him, while in fact, he likely did that himself…she just isn’t sure of it. Uncanny the way these types ‘operate’.
Now that he knows that I want nothing to do with him, and told him so in an email, he also ‘rebutted’ to that (because he HAD to, he has to argue EVERYTHING) by saying that my mind is ‘unhealthy’ and that he felt true sadness for me that I was so angry with him…but that my words did not hurt him and that he hoped that I could ‘heal my mind’. (I knew my words would never hurt him, but I digress). It was so calm and deadpan and seemingly ‘rational’ as he thinks I am too emotional and therefore ‘irrational’, or wants me to think that. He cannot see himself and rejects anyone’s opinion that can.
Do not engage. Words to remember, because you will never have the last word. I did not respond further. It is not a debate, and I wanted no rebuttal, but, well, we all know what SPs are like. There will be no further reaction or communication from me. Ever.
What is it about spaths? The whole “you are doing and have done” thing sounds word for word like something my ex would say. He has given up on goading me and my oldest, now he is sending out feelers to my youngest. None of us want anything to do with him, and all of us have learned not to engage.
Tina refers to narcissists, but all the same info applies to sociopaths
She says if you must deal with a narcissist be calm and businesslike.
My soon to be ex-husband who terrorized my out of my home and who is likely to be evicted is now stalking/spamming me with hundreds of texts and emails over just a few days, ranging from “we can make it work again” to “you are the devil!”, while also threatening to get me into trouble with the IR, with my employer, make me lose my job, etc. I’ve stopped reading them, what I have read I’ve sent on to my lawyer and the police. He’s going crazy not getting any response, or just a factual, business-like response at the most. He’s lost control of me, and no amount of blackmail can get me back. That’s what hurts him most. That, and having the tables turned on him. One of his texts read: “Why do you want to throw me out? How mean can you be? It’s my house too! ” After he’d chased me out of my home, which I pay for, like a dog….
Donatella, follow the No Contact rule (goggle & do a search on LF) with this man!! Also search here on love fraud “gray rock”.
Block him from your emails, social media and if you have to change your phone number. YES Block him & ignore him. He wants to push your buttons to break you down further to have control over you once again.
This is the only way to have peace because they always will contact you if you leave that channel open.
(if you have children then you follow the “Low Contact rule” (google).
My ex did the same during the divorce process! Their emails are literally brain washing propaganda to suck their victims back in. Dont be sucked back in by his manipulation! They will try many avenues back into your life…ie love bombing if that does not work belittling, if that does not work raging if that does not work etc etc.
this is good advice.
Don’t react.
She says ‘Do not engage’. That is what I am doing with a narcissistic neighbor.
Again, she says ‘Do not engage.’
The first rule is- do not engage.
She says be calm and businesslike.
She says to be calm and businesslike if you must deal with a narcissist.
This still works.
if you must engage be cool, calm and businesslike.