You’ve been living in insanity. Your partner seems to randomly lash out or give you the silent treatment, and then says you’re to blame. Your finances are in shambles, and you’re to blame for that too even if you’re the only one working. You are positive that this person is cheating on you, but he or she insists you are paranoid and delusional.
Or, in a variation on a theme, you are living with the distinct feeling that something is amiss, although you can’t quite figure out what it is.
You Google terms like “emotional abuse” or “signs of cheating” or “love and deceit.” Eventually you end up on Lovefraud.
Suddenly, everything makes sense. The articles describe what you’re experiencing. Other people are telling stories that sound just like yours.
You realize that you’re involved with a sociopath.
You are horrified this personality disorder sounds really, really bad, and there is no treatment for it.
But you are also relieved now you know you are not crazy it’s him (or her).
So what do you do with this information?
First, here’s what NOT to do: Do NOT confront the sociopath.
Even though you want to say, “I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE!!!”
Even though you want to defend yourself, “IT’S NOT ME, IT’S YOU!!!”
Don’t do it.
Now that you know what you’re dealing with, keep the information to yourself and carefully plan what you’re going to do next.
The sociopath’s reaction
Sociopaths are all about power and control. If you tell the person that you have figured out that everything he or she has told you is a lie, that everything he or she has done was manipulation, the sociopath will perceive a loss of power and control over you.
The sociopath will probably react in one of these ways:
- Love bombing: He or she will turn on the charm or plead for another chance, causing you to doubt yourself and drawing you back into the web.
- Rage: He or she will become infuriated and ratchet up the abuse.
- Abandonment: he or she will abruptly leave, causing as much damage to you as possible on the way out.
Any of these reactions by the sociopath will probably make your situation more difficult.
So even though you now know the truth, put on an act. Pretend that everything is the same, while you evaluate the extent of the sociopath’s deceit and exploitation. Figure out how you are going to extricate yourself from the involvement to best protect your safety, health, finances and reputation.
Sociopath’s family
Here’s something else you should NOT do: Do not confide in the sociopath’s family.
Keep in mind that this disorder is highly genetic, so it is quite possible that the sociopath’s parents, siblings or other relatives are also disordered. If so, they will side with the sociopath to help him or her keep control over you.
Or, the family may be clueless. Some family members especially if they don’t see the sociopath very often may have absolutely no idea what he or she is really like. If the sociopath starts playing the victim, they may buy the act and do everything they can to help the sociopath, not you.
Or, the family may have known all along that the sociopath was no good, and wanted you to take the problem off of their hands. They don’t want to deal with the disorder again, so they may sabotage your efforts to escape.
Talking to friends
Do not relay your suspicions to any friends who are also the sociopath’s friends.
Sociopaths engage in impression management. Just as the sociopath was able to charm you for so long, he or she charms other people. So people who know the sociopath may have a hard time believing what you are saying.
This is especially true if the sociopath has already launched a smear campaign.
Long before you have any clue what is going on, the sociopath may have started laying the groundwork to discredit you. He or she may have made up stories about your behavior, or “confided” that you’re “mentally unstable.”
The sociopath may have subtly turned people against you. So if you start talking about what has really been going on in your life, they are primed to disbelieve you.
In fact, you should also be careful about talking to your own friends.
The sociopath may contact them behind your back and convincingly express concern about you. What the sociopath really wants is information. Your friends may fall for the scam after all, you did and tell the sociopath something that can jeopardize your plans.
People don’t understand
Keep in mind that most people simply don’t understand what the words “sociopath” and “psychopath” mean. Most people think they are serial killers.
If you say you’re involved with a sociopath, and that person doesn’t look like a killer, others may think you’re exaggerating.
So even if you’re bursting to confront the sociopath, and you want to tell the world that he or she is a lying, manipulative exploiter, it’s best to be very cautious about sharing the information.
Keep quiet, at least in the beginning until you know whom you can really trust.
Donna – I am in this situation right now. If not for the great information, resources and posts on Love Fraud, I would be making so many mistakes right now. THANK YOU for all you do for all of us.
I am gathering information on everything while maintaining a calm probably boring façade at home. I notice that I have a bit of an allergic reaction (repulsion) to him these days and I try to keep my distance. He’s a bit pushy right now but I am careful to not react – that’s pretty tough because deep down I am angry. But so far so good.
I am hoping to have time to make all arrangements before I leave so that I can leave safely and permanently. I am not talking to anyone about it – that’s a mistake I would be making right now if not for the good advice here. The most important lessons – they will never change and do not believe anything they say – these are my mantras right now.
Thank you so much !
OpalRose.
How are you staying so strong and so positive? How long have you realized this about your partner and how long has your journey towards leaving him been?
I admire you resolve and hope to find it. Just wondering how long it has taken you to get to this place of calm?
All the best to you in this journey.
Irishlass
IrishLass – I take it one day at a time. It has been 5 years since my first discovery and counseling through work. 5 years to finally really get it and decide to depart. I had thought I could “shelter in place” until retirement 3 years from now, but my recent additional discoveries made the decision for me.
So sorry for your situation – I was frantic when I first discovered he is disordered. I’m still nervous sometimes. I pray a lot – God knows everything so I don’t have to explain myself – I can vent without fear of betrayal.
I hope this makes sense to you. So glad you found this site – it is a life saver. Best wishes to you.
Thank you for that. I applaud your strength. The strongest tool my husband now has is that he succeeds in stripping me of self confidence frequently. You begin to self doubt all of the time when the abuse and anger are so convincing.
I wish you all of the best. I understand how it would take at least that amount of time to get your heart to meet your mind in terms of this scenario. No one wants to believe and accept that the person they are to spend eternity with is simply using them as a pawn in their narcissistic game of life. That is a pill larger than most to swallow.
I look forward to researching more and more on this site for strength and guidance. I am shocked at the amount of women on this site… it is so sad that we are living in a world filled with such deceit.
Thank you again for your personal reply. Believe it or not, things like that, the personal connection from someone else who is living this nightmare, helps to get me through the day.
Irishlass
Hi OpalRose, I admire you for keeping calm. You’re doing exactly the right thing. Your support is on here – at least until you can trust anyone you know to confide in later. I’ve been NO CONTACT (including mutual ‘friends’ and his family) for more than 3 months now and feel relieved after 7 years of abuse.
Kathleen – so glad you are No Contact. It is so encouraging to hear you are NC for 3 months and feel relieved after 7 years. No Contact is my goal and if I can just hang in there until I’ve made all my arrangements, I think I can do it. Staying focused on logistics is keeping me busy and helping me to not panic. I’ve noticed that I’m thinking more about myself these days and less about him. That is such a big step for me !!
Best wishes for your continued recovery and thank you so much for sharing that you are feeling better !!
Donna,
An article like this is priceless to someone like myself who has just realized her husband of 5 years (and partner of 10) is indeed a psychopath. You get to that place where realization sets in and the ball of momentum starts to move rapidly. However, I feel so many roadblocks are still in the way.
We have two small children and we own and operate a small business together. Finances are tight… very tight. And yes, he has blamed me for that 100%. How do I go about separating myself from him and the business? It is daunting to imagine doing so alone. Can I pay for a lawyer in secret with money that technically is both of ours? How does that end of things work? I have never filed a police report against him when he has gone into his many rages as I have wanted to protect him, his reputation in our community, etc. Will this mean that there is no trace of the emotional and verbal abuse I have endured for 10 years? He threatened to “ruin my life” recently when I calmly told him that we need to amicably split and find a way to co-parent our children apart… that we are not meant to be together as a married couple.
All of these things and more pile up and the fear and doubt set in. Do I have the strength to deal with him every day, care for my two small kids, run a business, run a household and work on my exit? I used to be such a strong, capable woman… now I am insecure and afraid I do not have what it takes. This is another by-product of living under his spell. He has succeeded in killing most of my self confidence and positivity.
I know these posts come across as so very self serving and self centered… all about me. I am just so relieved to have found this site… full of other people who are going through so many of the same things.
I suppose one day at a time is all that we can do…
Thank you again for the insight and support.
Irishlass
Irish lass –
Keep in mind that if your husband is a sociopath, he will feel no need at all to do what is fair or right for you, your family, or your business.
I think you should start diverting money however you can without him knowing it. Anything you have jointly is as much yours as it is his. You will need need cash, because as Kaya experienced, once you end things, he will move to take all the money. In fact, you might want to beat him to it. This is something that requires careful thought, which is why you don’t want to let him know that you’re on to him.
You will have to get out of the business. I assure you, continuing to work with him will be impossible. Figure out how to do it. Also understand that he will be quite happy to ruin the business so that there’s nothing left for you.
Hoping to heal mentions an emergency bag. This is important – pack things you and your kids will need in case you need to leave quickly. Include important documents, or copies of important documents. There is information about this elsewhere on Lovefraud.
If he is violent towards you, you may need to get out quickly – and contact the police. If there are no police reports, it may be difficult to claim domestic violence in your divorce. It is typical for victims to do what you did – cover for him – but police frequently are not understanding about this. If there is another incident, you may need to report it.
This will be a significant change in your behavior, which may precipitate a final break. That’s why you should take all the other steps to plan.
I’d like to also add that you can make a police report without filing charges. That means that there is an official record of your complaint, but no action is taken against him. I don’t think he has to know but I may be wrong.
Please, be a good actress. Spath is always looking for the slightest hint that something is amiss. This man has studied you for ten years. He KNOWS you and will read your anxiety. You have to realize that this is a game to him. Act as normal as possible. Don’t ask unusual questions, just watch what he does. You will see what you are looking for. As my brother told me “Don’t act squirrelly.” Haha.
Never, ever think that he is worthy of trust in any situation.
Irish lass, like Donna said, you need a strategy and you need to plan carefully. This may require honing your acting skills. I wonder if you could fake a sickness that made you tired and listless, like chronic fatigue. It probably isn’t too far from reality, as I’m sure you are exhausted from living with a sociopath. If you suddenly become lethargic and needy, a sociopath will get bored and run for the hills. Maybe he will at least spend time away, giving you more time to plan your escape. It’s easier to try to bore a sociopath away than to announce you are leaving.If you were too “ill” to run a business, the business may have to close, but you can open it on your own one day. Just brainstorming here.
The other thing would be to collect any evidence you can on any of his exploitive or abusive activities. If you could tape a conversation where he threatens you, you could maybe get a restraining order. At least you can keep it as evidence if you ever need it. Or maybe there is a paper trail of his fraudulent activities or deceptions? But document everything!
I don’t know the legalities of dividing a business. you may have to just force the business to close while you are squirreling away money for yourself and your kids or open one under a different name that was just yours. I wish Matt would drop in. He’s a former LF member who is a fraud attorney. (Even a fraud attorney got duped by a sociopath!)He always had great legal advice for these kinds of situations.
I would also contact a Domestic Violence center in your town and ask for their advice. They should keep it confidential and may be able to offer you some help and advice. At very least, there are shelters for you and your children if need be.
BTW, I don’t see where your posts are self-centered. You need help and this is a great place to ask for it. Keep reading and asking. Many people here found the strength to extricate themselves from their sociopathic spouses. You can too.
Thank you for all of the replies. I made a call to a well respected divorce lawyer today. The same one I called last summer. He had a wait list as he is the best in our area. By the time they called me back in october, I had changed my mind… this was before I realized his sociopathic ways. Today I made an appointment for an initial consult. I hope this will answer many of these initial questions. I also talked to the marriage counselor we had been seeing alone today. He is VERY supportive of me and sees exactly what I am saying and doing about my husband. He gave me very sound advice (similar to much on here) about having to act normal until I am ready to make the move.
I will call the local domestic violence locations this week. It is so much harder to talk about verbal and emotional abuse as the scars are invisible to the naked eye. But it is necessary. Knowing what I know now… my heart breaks for the so many women who are living in this nightmare and do not have the wherewith-all to research and find a page like this. It is so very sad.
One day at a time… that is the song I sang at my fathers funeral last year… and it will be the song I sing myself to sleep with every night until I can escape with my boys safely.
Thank you again. My Dad must have led me to this page as I have been asking him to help me so much as of late…
irishlass
Irishlass,
So happy you are preparing. One tip, please do not take your cell phone into the lawyers office with you. Make sure your location services are turned off. Just tips that I was given.
My dad also passed away last year and I feel like he led me here. Its so touching to hear the same sentiment from you. So sweet.
What I would say about any research you do, try not to do it on the home computer as if he knows anything about computers he will be able to track what sites you have viewed. If you do do stuff at home, clear your viewing history, clear the cookies and cache files, and also empty the Temp folder (if you’re on a PC). All these places dump files which will give him info on what you’re looking at.
Also, check out the thread on here about mobile call tracking. Become paranoid in a good way. Believe that every communication channel can be viewed by him & possibly every key stroke on your computer. Use a public one if you can. Become a spy & behave like one, as this is now a game, a very serious game of espionage.
I wish I would have found this website a long time ago. I was discarded once I exposed him in his web of lies. I should have never confronted him. I was thrown away like garbage. In the mean time he changed all bank accounts and left my son and I with absolutely nothing. He labeled me “mentally ill” and he even “baker acted ” me here in the state of Florida. (He is a cop and it was easy for him to do). The psychatrist on duty was outraged how he was abusing his “cop”powers, how he manipulated the system. Yes, I was released in a few hours. It was painful and embarrassing that my “husband” would do something like that. Wasn’t he suppose to love me and protect me?
Over a year later we are in “nasty” divorce proceedings. Everything we ever owned belongs to him. He stopped paying the mortgage in order to ruin my credit. He stopped paying his sons college tuition . He throws obstacles in my way that are unimaginable. If you think divorce is difficult, divorcing a sociopath is like going to war with your biggest enemy. You have to be prepared for lies, accusations and manipulation. He is the one who had an affair and abandoned me. But he portrays himself as the victim. He took all the money but he claims he is poor. Everything in this divorce is a fight. He hides income so we have subpoena places. It’s just lie after lie.
My advise is prepare yourself a long time ahead for a divorce. Try to have as many monetary resource, so you are able to pay for good counsel. Don’t tell him you are filing for divorce. Dont communicate except through lawyers. Have no contact. Do not engage in any conversation with him. Have a good solid plan how to exit this marriage. I didn’t. Fortunately he left but the house had to be sold. The court ordered it to be sold. This is a “no fault” state so it really does not matter if he cheated of not. Educate yourself and get advise from legal counsel. To me this is like dealing with a business partner, a very bad one. Put all your emotions aside.
And yes , take one day at a time. Things will get better. Good luck.
And yes, ms Donna is so right, people will not understand what you are dealing with. I actually had friends saying “why are you letting such a good looking guy just go? He is such a wonderful person and father “. They don’t know what kind of evil monster he is because he was “wearing his mask” around other people . I just don’t answer remarks like this. Comments like “he is still your sons father” I ignore. My son made his decision about his father. We don’t need other people telling us how to act. Fortunate my son is 19. He does not see him as a “father”, real dads don’t do evil stuff to their families.
So, my advise is to ignore “stupid” comments. Only a handful of “true” friends know and understand his true evil nature. And they are the ones who are my support system along with my faith . Because God has a plan for you. You might not see it at this moment but eventually you will. I know because I was there and now this entire nightmare will come to an end soon and I will come out a much stronger person.
Donna,
Thank you so much for your list of what NOT to do. Thank goodness I did not confront my Spath when I realized the truth.
I’d like to add one additional suggestion and that is that we should be aware of the windows of opportunity that God provides. Once you take in the information and your heart realizes the truth of your situation, be very mindful of timing. Donna is correct, you should not make a knee jerk reaction. However, you should not become paralyzed . Plan! Seek information that can support your plan. Have more than one plan,
First, and foremost, you will probably need an emergency plan. Have bags packed for you and your children. Have extra medicine available. Have a couple of pairs of clothes, extra toothbrushes etc. buy a cheap throw away phone from Walmart and have a phone card to buy minutes. Most importantly, have a place to go. Seek out someone you can trust, or a inconspicuous hotel. Have cash available. Most people don’t have to execute this plan, but it needs to be in place.
For a long range plan, I attended a local seminar for women who were thinking of divorcing. There were counselors, attorneys and financial advisors there. These professionals provided excellent information and helped me fine tune my plan.
Fear of an unknown future can paralyze us. But I truly believe that if you wait and watch , while planning, God will provide the right time. When He opens the door, don’t hesitate or question if it will change if you stay. Listen to your intuition and trust what your spirit knows. Walk….no, run out.
I dread that day of ending my marriage, But it’s coming at me very quickly.
Psalm 46:1
God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Donna, can you share information on how to fight the smear campaigns that were put In place against us long before we knew the truth? Is it best to just let it play out?
There is not much that can be done about the smear campaign. When I divorced, my ex-husband went on a smear campaign like no other.
I was warned before I left that usually the person who ends the marriage gets blamed, although they likely were not the cause of the divorce. I know it takes two, but when only one is putting effort into the marriage it can’t be fixed. I was prepared for being blamed and accepted it.
I was also told that when you explain yourself, you accuse yourself. I felt like I needed to explain why I left at first, but it does no good. People believe what they want to believe and even when shown the truth, they may still turn a blind eye to it. It makes interesting gossip.
In time the truth will be apparent to your true friends. If not, they were not true friends. My 14 year marriage fell apart slowly, and I’m proud of the effort I put into it. I stayed much longer than others would have and had many reasons for leaving. The most serious issues would affect my children’s future in very negative ways if I stayed.
I left in 2006 and have never regretted it. I lost many friends due to the smear campaign, and I don’t miss them at all.
My kids are doing awesome. There is no doubt in my mind that if I had kept them in the environment of my marriage they wouldn’t be doing so well. I have received numerous compliments from professionals on what a good job I have done raising my kids. Every one of those compliments tells me I did the right thing leaving. I have more confidence now in myself and my decisions than ever before in my life. If you talk to my ex-friends who judged me when I left my marriage they are probably still judging me. The success of me and my kids is my best revenge, and I have no room for those people in my life.
My only regret is that I did such a crappy job choosing friends in the past, because almost all of them defected when I divorced. I don’t have a lot of friends now, but the ones I do have are true friends, which means so much more.
My advice would be to let it play out. It takes time, but the people who are worth having in your life will eventually see the truth. As I said, if they don’t, they aren’t your friends. Be glad they’re gone.
You always have people here on Lovefraud who truly understand and will be here to talk to.
I agree with you IAfraud. The smear campaign is so damaging to your fragile emotions. Even though I was the victim I agreed to accept half the responsibility for the break up. I shouldn’t have done in retrospect. He slandered me so much saying I ‘threw him out for someone else.’ In fact he wore me down until I didn’t know who I was. He told people I ‘was already living with another man’ only days after I ‘threw him out.’ It’s 2 and a half years since he left and I can’t even think of going on a date with any man because of the trust issue regarding who is and who isn’t a sociopath. He wanted to know all about me but he had a secret life with up to 5 lovers at any one time. As each one left she was replaced with another until she left………….
I’m so sorry Kathleen . You didn’t deserve that treatment
Thanks HopingToHeal. I don’t think any of us deserve these evil people. At least we have Donna’s great site for support from fellow sufferers. NO CONTACT is all I can think of to advise people. Even though I’ve done 3 months of NO CONTACT and I saw him again I know I would be drawn into his lies and ‘caring’ for him to abuse me in private, so it really is the only way. Never ever see your abuser again and feel free and at peace even if you’ve wasted time and all your money on them
HopingToHeal, I love what you’ve said about windows of opportunity! Over the course of a 7 year relationship, mine cut me off regularly (from once to several times a year, now I know depending on his desire to be with others). These times lasted from a few days to a few weeks, and always ended with him love bombing me back in. Once, the discard was very ugly and lasted several months and just as I was feeling glad to be away from him, I swear he smelled it and came back into my life. How I wish I had taken advantage of this opportunity and stayed no contact! After the initial love bombing, he entered into a very weird and scary phase and for the first time I was afraid of him, not just thinking he was an ass…I left town for a week and came back determined that I was done with him. The love bombing was so exhausting (of course, I didn’t know what it was then and had no idea about the disorder) that after a few weeks, I cautiously let him in. In a short time, we were back on “track” and followed through with our dream of buying a retirement home in another state. I’ve written about it here…I gave up everything for this dream, family, friends, career, financial security and within a few months he discarded me without ever moving. It has taken me three years of complete focus on keeping my head above water to carry the house and it has recently sold and I have moved on free of the financial ties to him. I was sickened to see how deep he had taken the cognitive dissonace with me when I found journal entries on my ipad that I had forgotten I had ever made, months before we bought the house, writing about how miserable I was with him.
Initially, I turned to my “friends” (none of which were close to him) and his family for support, and although I needed someone, anyone, I would never advise this route for all the reasons in the initial article. Except for the initial feeling of having support, there was none to be found there and without exception, NOT ONE of these people have remained in my life, for various reasons. Along with being emotionally and financially devastating, this has been the most lonely time I have ever had in my life. I’ve weathered it, and made a few new, and good, friends. I have hopes for the future, although I can’t imagine ever getting close to a man again. Maybe I will meet someone who will change that thinking, but for now, it doesn’t seem possible.
The one thing that I did do after the final discard was go no contact instinctively, since I didn’t learn about this disorder until several months later and found that he fit the profile as if he had a guidebook. I also learned that he had behaved in the same manner with other women. He is now married. God help her.
The education provided her is a lifesaver. Our lives are a gift and every day is a miracle…that is the way I lived my life before he came into it. Now that I’m out of the bare bones survival mode, I have had time to see how this experience has changed me. I hate that, but I know that something good can come out of it. One minute at a time.
HanaleiMoon,
One minute at a time is the only way I can do it! Don’t beat yourself up that he was able to sucker you in over and over. They do it to all of us. That’s what they live for! To control us emotionally. It’s a terrible thing!
I’m so glad that you have been able to get past the very worst of it. Your story is heartbreaking. And while it may just look like letters typed on a page to some, the LF family understands that every moment, every breath during the time of your abuse and recovery has been so painful. And I believe we all grieve for each other…because we can relate. In some way or another, we’ve all lived with the same person.
Stay strong, my sister survivor. Hugs!
Hoping to heal
You are so right about “fear of the unknown paralyzed us”. That is exactly what kept me in this 20 plus years marriage. It was the fear of being on my own, leaving him, the unknown future. Once I found my faith in God, when I was baptized and I declared my faith in him. That is when “everything ” happened at once. My soon to be ex was caught in his affairs and he had no other choice, he had to leave. I know that God took him away so I can have peace in my life. My soon to be ex was an atheist. How could he handle being in the same house with me? After committing sin after sin, he had to exit.
I wish I would have prepared better financially and emotionally for that day. I was just in shock how someone can put his wedding band on the counter with a “I am out if here” statement. Just like that. The day I signed my petition for divorce is still one of the best days of my life. I left my attorneys office with a smile on my face and I felt this incredible power of strength inside of me. Finally after 20 years I stood up for myself and for my son. Enough of this b/s.
They were not able to serve him divorce papers for a few weeks as he was on a cruise with the mistress/co worker. But the day he returned he received the papers. That last little control I took away from him. He wanted to be the one to serve me with papers.
I still remember his email “do you think I am coming back home by you serving me with divorce papers?” He was so vain and arrogant that he actually believed my son and I wanted him back. I don’t know how much clearer I could make it. He got divorce papers and thought it was a way for me to beg him to come home ? This is how distorted their minds work. Unbelievable.
Thanks for all your advise here.
My husband told the marriage counselor last week that he was in a relationship with someone else, then in the same session said he didn’t want a divorce and that he loves me and there is hope for us. And as we left that heart wrenching session, he casually asked me to lunch and chit chatted about nothing the entire meal.
Bizarre. Thank goodness I see him for who he is. His drama is tiresome.
Your story is so much like mine. It’s helpful to read that you see the same things I see. 🙂
I was very lucky in my situation with the sociopath. I only dated him for a short time. Once I found out he was a sociopath, I exposed him to the army. By the sheer luck of the draw, his platoon sergeant was a woman who just so happened to have been played be a sociopath years prior. She “got it.” So did his commanding officer who suspected he had been committing fraud for a few years but had no proof until I contacted him and confirmed his suspicions. In fact, the commanding officer told me some stories about the spath’s activities that made the hair stand up on the back of my neck! We compared stories and got the whole picture of a con artist who was lying, malingering, and committing adultery. It was a huge web of deception that neither of us knew about until we compared notes! I figured the army folks would not believe my story and would not care. Not only did they believe my story but they took it very seriously. If you find the right people who believe you, it’s a Godsend.
this is like a script for the last 16 years of my life, after 9 years together, my husband decided to take the mask off. and for the next 4 years i held on and tried to get him into counseling with me until, one day i faced him down over his treatment of the kids and he ran off. since then i have lost my job, had my house burned and been turned out in the street, we are barely surviving homeless right now. “my public Reputation” is as a psychotic, thieving, drug trafficking child abuser. note, guess what HE’S doing? yup shacked up with a 17 year old junkie, running drugs and hiding from rape charges in another state. i am terrified of losing my kids but every time i ask a state agency for help they turn up my “record” of the things hes has reported to them. making me look like im the criminal. i wish i could make people see what a manipulative *ss he is. but hes so sweet and “hurt” he gets women wrapped around his finger. the lawyer i spoke with says that if nothing can be proved, its just talk, but its damaged my kids badly. some of my friends have realized they were manipulated but its take them over 3 years to figure it out and we are still in nightmare. im glad i found this place, i dont feel so alone now.
oh wow, I’m so sorry. They create such destruction in our lives. 🙁 Nothing surprises me anymore….but that doesn’t make knowing so many of them are out there any easier to swallow.
Mommymonster – I am so sorry for your situation. It is awful how they lie and everyone believes them. Please stay strong.
Also – I’m sure you’re not what your screen name says.
Mommymonster,
Your story is so painful to read, I can’t imagine experiencing it. Reading how you are coping and loving your kids is a testimony of how really incredibly strong you are. You are facing the devil, and you are overcoming. Don’t be defined by what other people think of you, your reputation, or your situation. I can see that you know who you are, you know your love for your kids and you KNOW that you are a survivor!
Stay strong. There are lots of people on this site that are thinking of you and lifting you up in prayer.
Irish lass, I had one more thought for you. Sociopaths are not always the brightest, and usually they have a fatal flaw that gets them in the end. It is usually their arrogance in thinking they are above the law and they won’t get caught, but it could also be their vanity (bragging about their misdeeds) or their stupidity (leaving evidence lying around). Figure out what his is, and use it to your advantage. Mine liked to take a lot of pictures and post them on a website for attention. He also liked to leave me a LOT of voice mails. It was the precisely those photos and voice mails that hung him in the end.
Sociopaths operate from a certain kind of logic but they lack reality testing. That’s how they trip themselves up. You have the truth (reality) on your side. And I guarantee you are stronger than you think. It didn’t take much for me to help my ex with his own demise. He was much stupider than I thought, and it was easier than I thought. It may not be easy in your case, but it is definitely doable. There will be some loose ends you will think of that he will miss.
Indeed an incredible gift and such a blessing to validate for me the behaviours I commenced and found to my dismay, did not do anything for me other than keep me swirling in the abyss of what not to do..sheesh! I now understand that my behaviours to make a wrong, right, served only to be a paradox to the situation I was in, serving the spath I was with more to go on with his cruel intentions. I did come to learn that I had to be careful because I had already done enough damage in my relation to self with the self-judgement and doubt.
Upon reading your book, I rejoiced to have been led to TRUTH and instantaneously I was able to let go completely. It’s been like a divine intervention for me 🙂 Now it’s all about being well and moving forward in divine purpose. What I do know is that trying to save others in relation to the spath I was with is another dynamic that has to be thought out very carefully. If it is meant it will be, the best revenge is to live well. I read your book in Februar this year and I haven’t looked back, each day I am happier and happier. I’m revitalizing in the incredible vibrations of positive energy, truly my old self is back..feeling it every moment, every minute of the day and that I am so very grateful for after ten years of dark energy that there aren’t enough words to describe…all I know is much of what consumed me has been shared through the courage of all of you that have shared with us on here. Thank you Donna for this gift, and to all of you who share on here.. with the utmost respect.
Love and kindness, Sheree
Sheree – I am so glad that Lovefraud has served you. It is wonderful that your energy is returning.