You’ve been living in insanity. Your partner seems to randomly lash out or give you the silent treatment, and then says you’re to blame. Your finances are in shambles, and you’re to blame for that too even if you’re the only one working. You are positive that this person is cheating on you, but he or she insists you are paranoid and delusional.
Or, in a variation on a theme, you are living with the distinct feeling that something is amiss, although you can’t quite figure out what it is.
You Google terms like “emotional abuse” or “signs of cheating” or “love and deceit.” Eventually you end up on Lovefraud.
Suddenly, everything makes sense. The articles describe what you’re experiencing. Other people are telling stories that sound just like yours.
You realize that you’re involved with a sociopath.
You are horrified this personality disorder sounds really, really bad, and there is no treatment for it.
But you are also relieved now you know you are not crazy it’s him (or her).
So what do you do with this information?
First, here’s what NOT to do: Do NOT confront the sociopath.
Even though you want to say, “I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE!!!”
Even though you want to defend yourself, “IT’S NOT ME, IT’S YOU!!!”
Don’t do it.
Now that you know what you’re dealing with, keep the information to yourself and carefully plan what you’re going to do next.
The sociopath’s reaction
Sociopaths are all about power and control. If you tell the person that you have figured out that everything he or she has told you is a lie, that everything he or she has done was manipulation, the sociopath will perceive a loss of power and control over you.
The sociopath will probably react in one of these ways:
- Love bombing: He or she will turn on the charm or plead for another chance, causing you to doubt yourself and drawing you back into the web.
- Rage: He or she will become infuriated and ratchet up the abuse.
- Abandonment: he or she will abruptly leave, causing as much damage to you as possible on the way out.
Any of these reactions by the sociopath will probably make your situation more difficult.
So even though you now know the truth, put on an act. Pretend that everything is the same, while you evaluate the extent of the sociopath’s deceit and exploitation. Figure out how you are going to extricate yourself from the involvement to best protect your safety, health, finances and reputation.
Sociopath’s family
Here’s something else you should NOT do: Do not confide in the sociopath’s family.
Keep in mind that this disorder is highly genetic, so it is quite possible that the sociopath’s parents, siblings or other relatives are also disordered. If so, they will side with the sociopath to help him or her keep control over you.
Or, the family may be clueless. Some family members especially if they don’t see the sociopath very often may have absolutely no idea what he or she is really like. If the sociopath starts playing the victim, they may buy the act and do everything they can to help the sociopath, not you.
Or, the family may have known all along that the sociopath was no good, and wanted you to take the problem off of their hands. They don’t want to deal with the disorder again, so they may sabotage your efforts to escape.
Talking to friends
Do not relay your suspicions to any friends who are also the sociopath’s friends.
Sociopaths engage in impression management. Just as the sociopath was able to charm you for so long, he or she charms other people. So people who know the sociopath may have a hard time believing what you are saying.
This is especially true if the sociopath has already launched a smear campaign.
Long before you have any clue what is going on, the sociopath may have started laying the groundwork to discredit you. He or she may have made up stories about your behavior, or “confided” that you’re “mentally unstable.”
The sociopath may have subtly turned people against you. So if you start talking about what has really been going on in your life, they are primed to disbelieve you.
In fact, you should also be careful about talking to your own friends.
The sociopath may contact them behind your back and convincingly express concern about you. What the sociopath really wants is information. Your friends may fall for the scam after all, you did and tell the sociopath something that can jeopardize your plans.
People don’t understand
Keep in mind that most people simply don’t understand what the words “sociopath” and “psychopath” mean. Most people think they are serial killers.
If you say you’re involved with a sociopath, and that person doesn’t look like a killer, others may think you’re exaggerating.
So even if you’re bursting to confront the sociopath, and you want to tell the world that he or she is a lying, manipulative exploiter, it’s best to be very cautious about sharing the information.
Keep quiet, at least in the beginning until you know whom you can really trust.
This article is great advice, and exactly how I handled my situation when preparing to get the psychopath out of my life. I don’t know how I knew to handle it in this manner, instinct maybe, and I listened.
I quietly planned to break off the relationship for months, stressing over how I was going to accomplish it and survive. My attempts to get him to go home had been unsuccessful for a long time. I told him several times to go home and he flat out refused. The stress of sleeping next to him when I didn’t want to be with him made my body twitch. I didn’t know what to do.
I did know that something would happen that would make me realize it was time to end it, and it did. Then the smear campaign and stalking began. Many lies were told about me. Most everyone knew he was a liar, but to an extent people still fell for some of his lies. Most incredulous was the sheriff and his deputies. I’m still not sure if they fell for the lies or just used it as their excuse because they failed miserably to protect me and my children.
The above advice is priceless. Read it and take it seriously, it could save your life. Leaving a sociopath/psychopath has to be handled very cautiously if you want to survive it with your sanity, and possibly your life.
I agree, this article is the best advise I have read. I wish I would have done things differently. It’s too late now and I have to deal with the financial aftermath of his actions. I am over the emotional ones. If you expect the sociopath will be fair and civil in the divorce, forget it. Not only do I have to deal with a narcissitic sociopath here. Additionally he is retired military and a sheriffs deputy. How worse can it get?
Sometimes I feel like I can’t go on, dealing with him and his attorney on court. Then I take a deep breath, let my attorney handle the communications. After all I survived 20 years with him and his lies, betrayals and deceits.
I truly hope the court system will see him for what he is. I hope he cannot use his “I am a deputy,I can do anything ” card. I have lost all my trust in the sheriffs department as they covered up for him and his ridiculous behavior. It’s great to know that my tax dollars go to a place where deputies can exchange nude pictures of themselves while on duty without any consequences.
As my divorce proceedings go on, I will try to remain strong and hopeful.
kaya48,
I dread the battle ahead with divorce and after. I’m sorry you still are struggling through and hope it is completed (in your favor) soon!
Thank you Hoping to heal for your thoughts and encouragement. I am not in favor of divorces by all means but it is the only option when married to a sociopath. Even though this is a nightmare I did not regret once that I filed for divorce. I realize now that i have done everything possible to “make him better” and to save the marriage. In reality there was nothing to save, because it was all an illusion. My battle in court will continue next week. Thanks again for all your support.
Very, very sound advice.
I was aware for quite a while before really knowing, that my ex had issues. “Demons” I used to call them. In mid 2010 I started to see major changes though, the cracks suddenly widened. He seemed to drop the ‘hard working’, ‘pillar of community’, ‘wonderful dad’ and ‘reliable husband’ facade as he we too busy – chasing skirt basically. It was the beginning of the end of our marriage and the beginning of the start of my new life, thankfully.
As soon as I became accutely aware of these sudden changes my antenna were up – constantly. I began watching, making notes, I kept a journal at work – out of his way – I called it “A series of unusual events”. It seems funny now but on the whole it was a good thing to do. There were times I wanted to shout and scream but somehow instinct told me that was not a good plan. I now know, from experience and particularly from this site, just how much of a bad idea that would have been.
I waited, watched, made notes, kept calm, waited and watched and watched again until by the following April I wasn’t sure I could stomach it any longer and by which time I had enough evidence of his affairs that he couldn’t argue and then decided on my plan.
I made the decision that I would tell him the marriage was over but offer him the opportunity to live under the same roof and share the care of the kids while still in education. I had become painfully aware that all he wanted was to stick around and have an ‘easy’ life (ie financially) so to try and take that away would mean instant war.
My plan worked, initially. He bit my hand off so to speak – I mean who wouldn’t? He’d got caught out but no divorce, no threats – he was free to do as he wanted and to stay in the comfort of our home. Win, win – woopee!
However, what I wasn’t prepared for, was just how much damage taking the control away from him would do. Because, of course, that is what I had done. I had taken control and he HATED it! He behaved very nicely that first weekend, he even started to interact with the kids again, something he hadn’t done for almost a year but then reverted very quickly back to the same behaviour.
Only he got worse. His lies continued, he stopped doing any of the work he was meant to be doing on our house and just went out, he would find any excuse to flare up at our son – because I think he viewed him a the ‘next in line’. And between May and Sept had 3 bouts of either ignoring him or him and me for several weeks at a time. Eventually both kids (who were totally unaware of our separation) separately said they wish he would go and I thought long and hard about it. While I was thinking, he had another patch with our son which ended in him assualting our son and that was that for me.
He agreed to the divorce and said he wouldn’t contest it but from that moment on fought and fought like a small, ball-fisted, angry child who’d had his favourite toy taken from him.
I am so thankful that I had a wonderful support system around me and perhaps more importantly that the kids were too big at 16 and 17 for him to influence either them or a judge/solicitor about their custody so the only thing he could fight over was money.
He caused enough damage – financially, to the tune of £30k – and emotionally – which you can’t put a value on but it could have been worse.
If I could have avoided the latter while the kids were at home, I would have done however painful for me – it was my intention – but sadly it became impossible.
Don’t EVER underestimate a sociopath. They play to win and will fight till the bitter end no matter what it costs financially or emotionally.
Approach with the greatest of care!
HA! (not that it’s funny) but I’ve done, or come very close to doing but not to the extreme in the examples, almost everything on this list.
Great article Donna…….if for no other reason than to show people another view of how these monsters really are behind their masks.
I will mention again, the Investigation Discovery Channel. It has really helped me see how they operate and how thoroughly they can fool people.
Hello all,
I have bad news, unfortunately I did not listen to advice I got on here for months, and im bout to warn anybody on here if they are thinking of going back to the person what will happen to you.
Most of you know mine got a bogus CPO on me, well a few weeks ago I moved back to her city to be closer to my kids. I was actively trying to get my family back together, while she continued to blame me for everything and give me the cold shoulder. When she found out I was coming back to town, she began to lighten up just a bit, I made plans to get my kids on a Friday after school to take them to the park, me and her had plans to meet up in public afterwards to eat. She texted me and offered for me to come to the house and just grill out ribs, and I stupidly accepted. Sigh, everyone that knows me practically cussed me out after all this.
I went over there, and as expected for an hour she proceeded to tell me how it was all my fault, I didn’t argue, but I did defend myself a bit at times, at one point she even said “the only thing you have never disappointed me at was in the bedroom” When I was done grilling I came in with the food and she grabbed me and started getting hot n heavy for a second before we ate, needless to say I spent the night and we had sex while she layed there telling me how much she missed this ect ect…we had sex 2 more times and I left sat afternoon, she invited me back that night.
Now it gets interesting, we put the kids to bed, I suggested a shower together she agreed, we get out and I gave her a back rub for quite some time and engaged in extra activities, then when we started to have sex she just layed there almost dead, I asked what was wrong she said she was tired and just pushed me off of her. I was upset because I felt she led me on, and of course it got blown back on me. The next day was so so, she kept saying I would never live in that house again, we would only live together if we went and bought a house together, and that shes not dropping the 2 year CPO to which I said I cant keep coming over here if your not going to drop it. She also said I needed to go get my own place for a year or two and stand on my own feet (trying to make me feel like ive been a loser and don’t know how to take care of myself) Now for the bad part (as if this wasn’t bad enough)
That night she demanded I leave after an argument to which I was going to leave but I said wait, I want to squash some of this argument, don’t want to leave on bad terms, the kids were so happy to have me in the house, they missed me, and had told me mom was not spending much time with them anymore. Well she called the cops and I thought she was bluffing, but they showed up and arrested me right in front of the kids, the cop later told me that while in private she told him she didn’t want me arrested just to make me leave. Well I bonded out and went to court and guess what, she had given the prosecutor multiple emails where I had broken the order!!!! Now I cannot talk to the kids unless she contacts me and puts them directly on which of course has not happened, she has made no contact in 16 days, and the prosecutor now thinks something may be wrong with me upstairs and is refusing to give me a plea deal until I go to a domestic violence counselor and have an assessment done (which I have to pay for) that is right folks, the crazy spath has convinced her friends/family/the courts that I am nuts and violent.
For the love of all that’s holy, any of you on here still having feelings and wanting the person back DONT!!!! Run for the hills, better to be a hermit than be with one of these monsters. Now I have another charge on that old record of mine, haven’t spoke with my children in over 2 weeks, court is not over yet, a good friend of mine will not speak with me until she knows I have been away from that woman for a year, in the meantime the spath recently got to quit her day job to run that company full time that I helped build while I sit here still with a car she ran in the ground that’s not completely fixed, having problems finding a job and now my child support is 1 month behind. They will do more than ruin you financially emotionally, physically, ruin your record, self esteem, turn your own friends/family on you, they will make you wish daily this was a bad dream and eventually you will wake from it, they know you think all day everyday about this and they love it, they know the hurt they caused and care not, only to blame you for it. Sorry to all on here that I did not heed the advice I so often got.
Dave
Exactly the same thing happened to me last year. He ‘needed some paperwork’ from me so I agreed to meet in public. I texted I was in the café waiting and he replied he would try to get there despite feeling so ill. He arrived and told me his friend complained ‘why wouldn’t she come to your house?’ I believed him, but now I know he made that up to get me to his house. I saw him for 6 months out of the public eye and you know how that goes with everything being your fault. Back to NO CONTACT feeling good and won’t fall for it again
Dave – I am so sorry that happened. It is so difficult to grasp that there really is no hope for them, and we keep trying. And they keep stabbing us in the back.
oh and too the military guy who wrote an article.
My man your story described my 10 year relationship with my spath wife, the fake mask in front of others, my anger as to why she didn’t act like that around me, the lies about money and other men, the gas lighting and blaming me, the cold heart, the anger and outburst, her counselor was shocked because she put on a front for them, then they seen the real her just like you always did. I feel for you man, lot of bitterness and anger and resentment, and its hard to let go of.
Great article as always Donna. I have been NC since my divorce and before as much as possible. I planned it out just like you said but did tell a few very close friends who could help me. What I did with the money is on the day I left I went to the bank and withdrew half of our savings. When he did find out, he really couldn’t do anything about it. I was already gone to a safe place and his lawyer really couldn’t even claim I didn’t take a fair share.
A couple of funny things to hopefully not disrespect what ANYONE is going through but someone just posted on my facebook page, “It’s better to have loved and lost, than live with a pscho the rest of your lifeI”.
I must have done pretty well on the “acting” thing before I left. He accused me in court when the judge was hearing my case about a restraining order of having a “thespian gene”. Bahahahaha, now THAT was funny.
As for his family, his daughter actually was the one who suggested that he might be a religious sociopath. That’s how I found this site. So I guess that was different maybe than most. She is very smart and of course had lived with him most of her life. He STILL fools his ex-wife at times and all of them. They want to think he can change SO much that at times they get carried away and actually think he has…again. BTW, he STILL comes to our church but he has 0 control over me. Being the Narcissist that he is though I am sure he thinks it bothers me. He brings a new girl almost every week. I guess maybe as he gets older it’s harder to find a woman who will fall for him. I pray he never does.
In general I would say this is good advice. The exception is when keeping silent may result in harm to yourself. My story is long and involved, but it involves my ex being an embezzler and tax fraud, among other things. He had tons of debt I didn’t know about, and no retirement savings of his own. (I had some.) He had not paid his self-employment taxes for over 20 years! He didn’t even have Social Security. What was his end game, if I hadn’t found out? I believe it is very likely I would have died under some mysterious circumstances, or just “disappeared” with no reasonable explanation. He would have gotten all of my retirement (instead of just half!) and my life insurance. I think the fact that I exposed him saved my life! It took away a lot of his power. While he is still causing some trouble, I believe it could have been much worse had I not outed him to EVERYONE I know. (The exception was his family-they are clueless and a couple are like him.)
Just something to think about…
Again you have described the Spath and their families to a T!! When I finally figured out what he was, not just what he did, he split. Amazingly, I earned over $600,000 during the course of the 9 years and he only earned $165,000. I only found out after he split that the reason he couldn’t keep a job is that he let ALL of his Financial Advisor Licenses expire beginning less than a year after our marriage. His only Financial Plan was to bleed me dry then collect off the retirement I spent 30+ years earning, and Social Security for the rest of his life.
Welshponies,
This really resonates with me. My spath was a CPA–I realized he had let his license expire several times over the years! Ironically, since the divorce he has been DILIGENT about keeping things like that up. Probably getting in shape for a new con. But it is true what Donna says above. My spath is still playing tennis at a club I believe he embezzled from! I told them ( many were–I thought!–friends of mine, and I felt so bad when I found out about him.) He wreaked financial havoc on them while he was their accountant, but he is STILL PLAYING TENNIS THERE! Testament to their ability to fool and manipulate.
Regardless, I out him whenever I can. I try to protect as many future victims as possible. Of course, it does hello that I actually found evidence of his financial crimes–otherwise he would sue me!