You’ve been living in insanity. Your partner seems to randomly lash out or give you the silent treatment, and then says you’re to blame. Your finances are in shambles, and you’re to blame for that too even if you’re the only one working. You are positive that this person is cheating on you, but he or she insists you are paranoid and delusional.
Or, in a variation on a theme, you are living with the distinct feeling that something is amiss, although you can’t quite figure out what it is.
You Google terms like “emotional abuse” or “signs of cheating” or “love and deceit.” Eventually you end up on Lovefraud.
Suddenly, everything makes sense. The articles describe what you’re experiencing. Other people are telling stories that sound just like yours.
You realize that you’re involved with a sociopath.
You are horrified this personality disorder sounds really, really bad, and there is no treatment for it.
But you are also relieved now you know you are not crazy it’s him (or her).
So what do you do with this information?
First, here’s what NOT to do: Do NOT confront the sociopath.
Even though you want to say, “I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE!!!”
Even though you want to defend yourself, “IT’S NOT ME, IT’S YOU!!!”
Don’t do it.
Now that you know what you’re dealing with, keep the information to yourself and carefully plan what you’re going to do next.
The sociopath’s reaction
Sociopaths are all about power and control. If you tell the person that you have figured out that everything he or she has told you is a lie, that everything he or she has done was manipulation, the sociopath will perceive a loss of power and control over you.
The sociopath will probably react in one of these ways:
- Love bombing: He or she will turn on the charm or plead for another chance, causing you to doubt yourself and drawing you back into the web.
- Rage: He or she will become infuriated and ratchet up the abuse.
- Abandonment: he or she will abruptly leave, causing as much damage to you as possible on the way out.
Any of these reactions by the sociopath will probably make your situation more difficult.
So even though you now know the truth, put on an act. Pretend that everything is the same, while you evaluate the extent of the sociopath’s deceit and exploitation. Figure out how you are going to extricate yourself from the involvement to best protect your safety, health, finances and reputation.
Sociopath’s family
Here’s something else you should NOT do: Do not confide in the sociopath’s family.
Keep in mind that this disorder is highly genetic, so it is quite possible that the sociopath’s parents, siblings or other relatives are also disordered. If so, they will side with the sociopath to help him or her keep control over you.
Or, the family may be clueless. Some family members especially if they don’t see the sociopath very often may have absolutely no idea what he or she is really like. If the sociopath starts playing the victim, they may buy the act and do everything they can to help the sociopath, not you.
Or, the family may have known all along that the sociopath was no good, and wanted you to take the problem off of their hands. They don’t want to deal with the disorder again, so they may sabotage your efforts to escape.
Talking to friends
Do not relay your suspicions to any friends who are also the sociopath’s friends.
Sociopaths engage in impression management. Just as the sociopath was able to charm you for so long, he or she charms other people. So people who know the sociopath may have a hard time believing what you are saying.
This is especially true if the sociopath has already launched a smear campaign.
Long before you have any clue what is going on, the sociopath may have started laying the groundwork to discredit you. He or she may have made up stories about your behavior, or “confided” that you’re “mentally unstable.”
The sociopath may have subtly turned people against you. So if you start talking about what has really been going on in your life, they are primed to disbelieve you.
In fact, you should also be careful about talking to your own friends.
The sociopath may contact them behind your back and convincingly express concern about you. What the sociopath really wants is information. Your friends may fall for the scam after all, you did and tell the sociopath something that can jeopardize your plans.
People don’t understand
Keep in mind that most people simply don’t understand what the words “sociopath” and “psychopath” mean. Most people think they are serial killers.
If you say you’re involved with a sociopath, and that person doesn’t look like a killer, others may think you’re exaggerating.
So even if you’re bursting to confront the sociopath, and you want to tell the world that he or she is a lying, manipulative exploiter, it’s best to be very cautious about sharing the information.
Keep quiet, at least in the beginning until you know whom you can really trust.
I agree LLmeqoin,
I, too, would have “disappeared” under some mysterious circumstances had I not exposed him in his lies and affairs. I know he was “happy ” when my blood pressure was high caused by him upsetting me. I am sure a stroke or heart attack would have been a convenient way for him not to go through divorce proceedings. And also portraying a “caring “” father to my son. It would have been so easy for him to cover up my “disappearance” being a deputy. I am sure his sheriffs department would have helped him doing this. He is a highly “respected” officer of the law. Additionally he has such high standards of morales. (Yes, even taking nude pictures of himself and the co worker deputy while on duty would not discredit that ) So far all of his evil plans to “dispose” of me have failed. The mentally ill card to have me locked away did not work. After all the psychiatrist could see right through him and was disgusted by him wasting time that could have been used on someone who really needed help. The restraining order he put against me (conveniently in the county where he is a deputy and I never set foot into) was dismissed by the judge . He also looked right through him and made him look like an idiot in court. How can a 6 foot 2 police officer, retired army, be in iminant danger of his middle aged housewife who he left for for the deputy co worker girl?
In retrospect I have to laugh about all this now. It just shows you how manipulative they are. I will never have any contact with him again. Other than in court he will not get any words out of my mouth. He would twist it anyhow to his advantage. Because you are right, his ultimate goal was to have me of this earth. He will not succeed.
LL Mequon – I believe in outing the sociopaths, when it is safe for the person doing the outing. Usually when you are safely away.
But confronting the sociopath himself (herself) when you realize the truth only tips your hand and may make it harder to get away.
Mine chose rage. I didn’t realize at the time I was putting myself in more danger by standing up for myself” in an instant I removed any control he perceived he had over me and he lost it” and I nearly lost my life. Then, 2 days later he told a friend at the gym he was waiting for me to come home and apologize. My friend looked at him and said “dude, she can barely walk.” His response” “oh, so she can walk.” Friend said” “thats what you get from this conversation?” As stated in your article, I knew then that I had to sever ties with these friends who had continued contact with him” they were my life source when I was in that state” when I moved I felt like I had nobody to turn to, bc I had to cut all ties” and family and friends in my home state did not understand fully what I had gone through”
Thank you for this article…
Wow that us unbelievable. You are lucky you survived. I never realized in how much danger I was until he became a deputy and started his “evil plan” against me. I might lose all material assets in this divorce and when people say “too bad you lost everything “, they are wrong. I have everything and that is my life and my health. What good is a mansion and money when I am 6 foot under?
And someone posted they do make mistakes and get sloppy. That is so true. In my situation the mistress posted photos of their romantic cruise on social websites. She is a deputy also and should know that all this is admissible in court to prove wasting of marital assets. I guess he is a complete loser. His brain is occupied by sex and power. No room for rational thinking.
I am sure glad I am not a part of his perverted world anymore. He can have all of his little “minions” to keep him happy.
too late, made all these mistakes. I don’t suppose you can put this article right on the main page for others to see as one of the first articles? Thanks!
This is GREAT advice. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize mine was a sociopath until the day after I ended the marriage. The biggest thing I could have done, was to hire a computer expert to go in and mirror the computers at our company office, and my ex’s personal one. At that time, I had full rights and access to those computers. This would have saved me a $140,000+ legal battle. We are now getting that done, after 2 years of hard legal work. PLEASE CONSIDER this, if you are in such a situation. Thankfully, I’ve been able to share this with 2 other friends, saving them such trouble. An expert named Derek Ellington in Raleigh NC is qualified to do this, and he might be able to refer a specialist to you. He also travels to do it. He has extensive experience in this. Even cleaned/erased hard drives still retain all info, and he can get it.
Even if you know the.they are a sociopath, they seem to manage being one step ahead of you. Even if you warn lawyers, they just roll their eyes at you and when things happen, they never connect the dots. hmmm
ONly God can take these people down it seems
It does seem that way. I was fortunate enough to find a therapist who completely understood (and saved my sanity) and a lawyer that understood enough to be able to guide me to act in my best interest, even if it meant walking away from what was rightly mine. I am so thankful that I found these two women.
In my situation, it DOES seem that nothing will take him down. I know that he did the same to his first two wives and similar to at least some of the women I know about that he was messing with when he was with me. I know what happened at his last place of employment and based on his checkered career history, suspect that similar things might have happened in the past. ALL of it is just a hair within the law, or if illegal, he was able to pawn the responsibility off on others. None of this has cost him a dime, or the slightest impact to his lifestyle.
One step ahead of you is right. With everything I have, my primary goal at this point is to ensure that no further harm comes to me. Period.
You are right, they are always one step ahead if you. Fortunately my lawyer told me that my husband is a sociopath after the court hearing for the restraining order. My therapist and marriage counselor already told me the same. I am not sure about the judge assigned to my divorce. Only time will tell. Yes, the no contact is the absolute life saver. Ignoring him cones so easy to me now. I had to break this addiction but I managed to do it. It’s going to be very difficult to ever trust a man again. For now I am happy being on my own. Those are the long lasting affects and it is a shame what they put us through. One day though they will have to answer to the highest power and it won’t be pretty.
One day at a time. That’s how I keep going. I have my pets, my wonderful son and my sanity and peace. That’s more than I ever asked for.
You’ve been living in insanity. Your partner seems to randomly lash out or give you the silent treatment, and then says you’re to blame. YES!!
You are positive that this person is cheating on you, but he or she insists you are paranoid and delusional. YES! YES!
Or, in a variation on a theme, you are living with the distinct feeling that something is amiss, although you can’t quite figure out what it is. YES! YES! YES!
You Google terms like “emotional abuse” or “signs of cheating” or “love and deceit.” Eventually you end up on Lovefraud. YES YES YES YES!
I experienced all of the above and tho it was quite a number of years ago now so I can’t recall for sure, I imagine I landed here by Googling these terms.
I was already in the process of divorce by the time I got here, and had come to understand my ex was a sex addict, but I do believe there was more to it. Not all sex addicts are Sociopaths – many recover and have fulfilling lives and relationships. I lost a lot by divorcing him after 30 years of marriage – but as someone else said here, I got away with all the most important things: my life, my health, my sanity, and now a healed heart as well.
I agree that this should be displayed in the front pages of this website. Thank you for sharing!
Hoping to heal
That’s crazy. It brings me back to my marriage counseling sessions. He claimed he was “stupid” to exchange nude pictures with her and had no explanation for this crazy behavior. I did not know that they were still engaged in an affair. Everyone at his work knew. That makes it even worse, when they cheat while in counseling. How can they inflict so much pain on their families? I will never understand that part.
It feels peaceful to me now not having to worry if he is lying or cheating. Because he has already done all that and he is out of my daily life. The court hearings are just business deals. One part that I sometimes think about is , will he treat her the same way, will he lie to her, yell at her, cheat on her, manipulate her? Not that I really care but just a thought.
Much easier to “out” a sociopathic mate; harder yet is coming to the realization and acceptance that everyone of one own’s 5 beloved children have likewise inherited the deadly genes. As a mother, every few years I drop the NC mandate, hoping that somehow they will “see the light”….BIG Mistake! They never will!
Please tell me more. I believe my daughter has narcissistic traits and a character disposition to manipulate and confuse in order to control and demean me. I won’t go into details, but I have told her in no uncertain terms that she is simply “self-serving” in her relationship to me. I am not sure what to do now. We haven’t spoken in 3 months. Actually, I feel relieved and interpret this to mean that I am finally coming to terms with the fact that my daughter is basically indifferent to my well being. She doesn’t steal but she probably lies. After living with a true sociopath for 29 years, I have started to heal. Something about my daughter feels very familiar to what I experienced as a wife, before my divorce. Am I over-reacting?
Thanks Flicka-
I love this blog! It keeps reminding me of what I know, but sometimes need to remember.
We’re coming up to Passover, which was always one of my favorite holidays. I got to thinking about my son and how he loved some of the holiday treats and games we used to play. I’d make him matza brie for breakfast and gave him little bags of gold foil covered chocolate coins.
I was tempted to write him a heartfelt letter to try to breach the divide his BPD “splitting” has enforced for 6 years. But I realize that it would only be twisted to justify his cruel behavior. Having a morally disordered kid is especially difficult around holidays.
Thanks for reminding me of the downside of reaching out.
Kalina-
Sounds like your daughter has Borderline Personality Disorder. At the core is a basic lack of affective empathy. Since her father is a sociopath, having a pre-disposition to a lack of affective empathy is not uncommon.
As they mature, kids with this type of disorder “split”. One minute, (when it serves their interest,) you’re their best buddy. The next minute, you’re that tyrannical crazy person who they can’t stand and never want to see again, ever, no NEVER!”
When my son split, he told me point blank, “Now that I’m independent, what do I need you for.” That’s their mindset. Everyone in their life is to be used or cast aside if you no longer serve their purpose.
Morally intact kids grow up appreciating the heavy lifting you did to raise them. Morally disordered kids have no sense of cause and effect, and no real bond. Their “love” is only superficial. It comes and goes with their needs.
If this sums up the character of your daughter….. BPD.
In a very perverse way, concern over abandonment colors their relationships. They will frequently act out toward the parent that loves them unconditionally because they know your love for them will never die. That makes you expendable. The parent that would leave them flat and walk out in a heartbeat is sought after. So if she’s leaving you, take heart, its because she knows you love her unconditionally.
My best-
Joyce
Joyce, I can not thank you enough for your thoughtful and engaging response to me. Yes, you make so much sense. BPD, is what it looks like. Life is too short for me to continue down this Borderline path of “no return”. I have been there and done that. I am planning an exit, quietly of course, from playing any role of significance in her life. Thank you for your clarity. My intuition was correct, No real empathy for me. Now I can say, “so what!”. I won’t miss from her what she never gave me. Kalina
Kalina-
What we miss is not who they are, but the “family” they could have been. It’s painful to let that go.
My heart goes out to you!
Joyce
Joyce
I just got done with your book. Wow! I don’t have children and didn’t marry a sociopath. Just got involved with one for 6 yrs. I can’t imagine how hard that was for you and the rest who have disordered children. Especially if it’s your only one. I wanted children and if I had had only one and that happened well… I salute all of you who have survived having a disordered child.
kmillercats-
Thanks for your support!
As I look back on what happened in my life, I can see that if I’d walked away before my son was born, my life would have been very different. As hard as it is to deal with the debilitating issues of emotional predators, it’s a less complicated track toward healing if children are not involved.
If I can get one thing across in my book, it’s to get out while you can, BEFORE that person becomes a part of your forever family by virtue of the shared genetics of bringing his child into the world. It complicates the problems exponentially!
It would be a tremendous benefit toward getting the message across if you could post an honest review on Amazon.
Sincerest thanks!
Joyce
This is one of the first and truly accurate posts about the families of psychopaths. I was “gang attacked” by so many as they wanted me to repay swindles by my ex. It took me years to recognize that they always knew about my ex and kept it a secret, hoping someone would take him off their hands…and partially because the victim-invalid mother is also one, I believe. The most unpleasant ordeal for me was having his female therapist be manipulated by him. Excellent article, Donna…thank you.
Agreed BeckyR! It took a couple of years for me to recognize and accept that the parents/brother of my ex were in fact the exact opposite of what they pretended to be to me for 13 years. Talk about cognitive dissonance and in many respects, healing from the wounds the family caused was as bad as healing from the relationship itself.
It meant nothing to me at the time (other than affection towards me) when the brother said to me on at least 2 occassions – “I’m so glad you’re taking care of ___________”. Another lesson in the importance of paying attention to spoken words!
When a therapist blind sides you, it is doubly humiliating.