You’ve been living in insanity. Your partner seems to randomly lash out or give you the silent treatment, and then says you’re to blame. Your finances are in shambles, and you’re to blame for that too even if you’re the only one working. You are positive that this person is cheating on you, but he or she insists you are paranoid and delusional.
Or, in a variation on a theme, you are living with the distinct feeling that something is amiss, although you can’t quite figure out what it is.
You Google terms like “emotional abuse” or “signs of cheating” or “love and deceit.” Eventually you end up on Lovefraud.
Suddenly, everything makes sense. The articles describe what you’re experiencing. Other people are telling stories that sound just like yours.
You realize that you’re involved with a sociopath.
You are horrified this personality disorder sounds really, really bad, and there is no treatment for it.
But you are also relieved now you know you are not crazy it’s him (or her).
So what do you do with this information?
First, here’s what NOT to do: Do NOT confront the sociopath.
Even though you want to say, “I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE!!!”
Even though you want to defend yourself, “IT’S NOT ME, IT’S YOU!!!”
Don’t do it.
Now that you know what you’re dealing with, keep the information to yourself and carefully plan what you’re going to do next.
The sociopath’s reaction
Sociopaths are all about power and control. If you tell the person that you have figured out that everything he or she has told you is a lie, that everything he or she has done was manipulation, the sociopath will perceive a loss of power and control over you.
The sociopath will probably react in one of these ways:
- Love bombing: He or she will turn on the charm or plead for another chance, causing you to doubt yourself and drawing you back into the web.
- Rage: He or she will become infuriated and ratchet up the abuse.
- Abandonment: he or she will abruptly leave, causing as much damage to you as possible on the way out.
Any of these reactions by the sociopath will probably make your situation more difficult.
So even though you now know the truth, put on an act. Pretend that everything is the same, while you evaluate the extent of the sociopath’s deceit and exploitation. Figure out how you are going to extricate yourself from the involvement to best protect your safety, health, finances and reputation.
Sociopath’s family
Here’s something else you should NOT do: Do not confide in the sociopath’s family.
Keep in mind that this disorder is highly genetic, so it is quite possible that the sociopath’s parents, siblings or other relatives are also disordered. If so, they will side with the sociopath to help him or her keep control over you.
Or, the family may be clueless. Some family members especially if they don’t see the sociopath very often may have absolutely no idea what he or she is really like. If the sociopath starts playing the victim, they may buy the act and do everything they can to help the sociopath, not you.
Or, the family may have known all along that the sociopath was no good, and wanted you to take the problem off of their hands. They don’t want to deal with the disorder again, so they may sabotage your efforts to escape.
Talking to friends
Do not relay your suspicions to any friends who are also the sociopath’s friends.
Sociopaths engage in impression management. Just as the sociopath was able to charm you for so long, he or she charms other people. So people who know the sociopath may have a hard time believing what you are saying.
This is especially true if the sociopath has already launched a smear campaign.
Long before you have any clue what is going on, the sociopath may have started laying the groundwork to discredit you. He or she may have made up stories about your behavior, or “confided” that you’re “mentally unstable.”
The sociopath may have subtly turned people against you. So if you start talking about what has really been going on in your life, they are primed to disbelieve you.
In fact, you should also be careful about talking to your own friends.
The sociopath may contact them behind your back and convincingly express concern about you. What the sociopath really wants is information. Your friends may fall for the scam after all, you did and tell the sociopath something that can jeopardize your plans.
People don’t understand
Keep in mind that most people simply don’t understand what the words “sociopath” and “psychopath” mean. Most people think they are serial killers.
If you say you’re involved with a sociopath, and that person doesn’t look like a killer, others may think you’re exaggerating.
So even if you’re bursting to confront the sociopath, and you want to tell the world that he or she is a lying, manipulative exploiter, it’s best to be very cautious about sharing the information.
Keep quiet, at least in the beginning until you know whom you can really trust.
After 10 years in a relationship with my ‘path (although I didn’t know he was one at the time) I had finally plucked up courage to end it and told him I wanted a separation. He was stunned. I agreed he could stay for a while, while he found some where else to stay. He didn’t see why he should be the one to sleep on other peoples’ floors/sofas even though the flat was in my name not his (thank goodness).
Things became very uncomfortable for me as he was still behaving as though we were in a relationship by trying to hug me etc, but by this time I couldn’t bear the sight of him or couldn’t bear him touching me etc.
He went to stay for a few days with a friend and was supposed to be looking for a job. That night she rang me really terrified. He had got drunk and had threatened to kill her. I was horrified. This was the tipping point for me. I made the decision that he had to go whether he had found a flat & job or not and I started packing all his stuff into suitcases and bin bags. I spoke to the police who were next to useless, telling me that because he had lived there over 1 year he had right of entry to ‘his home’, even if I was in danger.
I went to see a solicitor. I don’t know if this solicitor had had experience of ‘paths, or maybe violent spouses, but his advice was really good. The ‘path was due to come back in the next couple of days, so the solicitor wrote a letter giving the ‘path 2 days notice to move out. The letter was posted so that it would arrive when the ‘path got back.
I was at work when the phone started going. I ignored it. My mobile went. I ignored it. I was really scared so I rang the solicitor and he advised not responding (NO CONTACT). Emails came through, saying I couldn’t have this and I couldn’t have that etc etc. The No Contact was obviously making him very angry.
After the 2 days I went with a friend to the flat. We were really scared and when I opened the door and heard music I thought we had a fight on our hands, but when we went in he wasn’t there.
I was lucky. By chance I made all the right moves. I went no contact because of what the solicitor had advised. I didn’t tell my friends (particularly the friend he was staying with), not because I didn’t trust them, but more for their safety. I knew he was going to be extraordinarily angry and what they didn’t know couldn’t hurt them.
Basically I would agree with advice that has been given here. Keep your plans to yourself, make sure you have money put aside that only you can access. Keep your passport safe. etc etc. Remember that once you make your move you will become the ‘bitch (or bastard) from hell’. But you will be free of them.
Joyce, morally disordered is an accurate description of what I feel when I am with these narcissistic personalities. So well put and so simple to apply. Being true to ourselves is about our moral integrity. It is sad to admit that what we imagined would be a “good and moral” family life could become a moral nightmare.
Perfectly describes my situation as well, kalina.
In what way is my experience similar? I like to learn how others work through their grief and guilt when it comes to our “morally disordered ” children. How much is it really about our so called “culture of narcissism”? Thank you for sharing. Kalina
I_Survived-
I sure hope you changed the locks!! 😉
All the best-
Joyce
Of course lol It was the first thing we did after we went into the flat, apart from get cross about the state he’d left the place in. The heating had been left on, music playing, uneaten food all over the work top and stuff that I’d packed for him to take, unpacked and left all over the floor. The place was a tip.
So after the locksmith had gone, we started clearing up a bit, throwing everything in to rubbish bags. Although I cleared the bulk of it, over the next few months I kept finding odd bits and pieces all over the place.
About a month later I was at my friend’s house (the friend who he’d threatened to kill – a mutual friend). I picked up the phone as she was out and it was him! He asked me why I’d thrown him out. I told him that he’d threatened the friend and he denied it. Now I don’t know about you but when a friend rings you at 1am terrified saying someone’s threatened to kill them and that person is drunk, who would you believe? The terrified person or the drunk (path )? lol
That was the last time I spoke to him. A while later I discovered by chance that everything he’d ever told me had been a lie and of course my world fell to pieces. I was having therapy etc. It was my therapist who told me he was a psychopath.
A while after that I was able to get a sort of revenge on him, which made me very happy and him very mad lol. In one of the clearing up bouts I found a bank statement of his showing that at the start of 1 particular month he had £1200 in his account, by the end of that month it was all gone and I, who had been struggling to pay the rent, bills etc, hadn’t seen a penny of it.
I was furious, as you can imagine. I’d been receiving debt collection letters for him, but had been sending these letters back to sender saying he no longer lived at the address. This time I opened one of them up and rang them. I explained that I wasn’t the person concerned, but if the company wanted I had his new address. They of course said yes they wanted it. I also asked if they wanted all the aliases I had discovered in my search into his past. They again said Yes please, and ‘he certainly is giving us the run around isn’t he’.
I heard on the grapevine (via the mutual friend who was more my friend now after what had happened) that he and his new girlfriend had had the baliffs come round with the police and he and his new girlfriend had been arrested. I was now apparently the ‘bitch from hell’.
This Bitch from Hell was very, very happy to have been able to get one over on him. It made me feel soooooo much better.
I Survived – good for you!
The truth comes in spurts and pieces. The whole, integration, has it’s own timeline. This site facilitates the healing process because it’s based on empathy and genuine mind-full-ness. To all who participate, my heartfelt thanks for your support. Kalina
Oh yes, the truth comes in spurts. To this day I keep finding evidence and lies. Just looking through his bank statements which came up in court, I am astonished why I believed all his lies. His reason for leaving was “that I am mentally ill”. The minute he left he took her to some fancy restaurant by the ocean here. The day after, he bought her jewelry, a months after they went on a cruise. He needed to blame me for justifying his affair. The fact that he told my teenage son that “his mom was real crazy and mentally unstable ” still hurts to this day. That he would steep that low to involve his only child in this mess, is just unacceptable. His plan was to have me locked away in a mental institution or in jail.
He never realized that these accusations would have consequences. His son wants absolute no contact with him, he is not interested in his life and definitely lost all respect for his “father “. He is 19 now. Will that ever change ? Probably not because my soon to be ex is a cowardly loser. He will never gain the love of his only child back because he destroyed it all to begin with.
My son and I both laugh about how pathetic this man became. He stopped paying his sons college tuition and then asks in an email “how is school”? Of course there is no answer, he will never get a reply out of us. If he has any issues, he can tell my attorney. Because the attorney knows that he is dealing with a sociopath and won’t tolerate his insults.
My advise is that anyone going through a divorce from a sociopath. “Be careful who you choose as counsel, I am glad I chose a criminal defense/family lawyer. I just don’t know what he accuses me of next and I need to be prepared for the worst. ” I also wanted an aggressive, male attorney. Someone who can put him in his place and not be weak and intimated by his “so handsome” looks. Because he thinks he is Gods gift to women, they call him captain America at his work. Him choosing a female attorney is just one of his little games.
My court battle will continue in a few days. As always I rely on my faith to remain strong along with all the support on here. Thank you. 🙂
You make an excellent point, kaya, about choosing your attorney wisely. Mine was an older woman who looked like she drank whisky and chewed nails regularly, but my mistake was choosing a female real estate agent to handle the sale of our jointly owned property. I was up front with her about him and the situation and thought (lol) I was covered. Not so. Even though he was in another state and they never met, she became supportive of him almost immediately and was constantly calling him to “update” him. I’m sure he told her that I was unstable and on medication (a lie). My attorney (bless her) pointed out that I had made a mistake in not hiring a male agent and that my ex was (bleeping) her over the phone. When the listing expired I hired a man and it was all business.
Every service provider my ex had was a woman…doctor, dentist, insurance agent, etc. During a “break”, he purchased some extravagant new furniture for his house and I later found out that the saleswoman had come to his house repeatedly to “assist” him in selecting the right pieces. Uh huh.
Wow, Kaya. This is so similar to my story–right down to my ex stopping paying my son’s tuition! And he also doesn’t understand why my son doesn’t have a relationship with him anymore. And when you mentioned continuing to find things out: I just found out that in addition to being a porn addict, embezzler and tax fraud, my ex is a compulsive gambler, as well!
He has definitely spiraled the last few years, but I can’t understand why I didn’t pick up on some of the behaviors earlier. I get the dynamic, but still feel bad that I could be so manipulated.
How interesting. My soon to be ex was exactly the same. While he was attending some college, all of his “study friends” were young females. Like yours all of his “service ” people were women. Even when he was in the army for 20 plus years, he socialized with female soldiers. I guess that’s why his attorney is a woman.
With my realtor I chose a couple. The lady talks to me and the husband to him. This way there is no direct talking at all since we have no contact. At first I was disappointed that the assigned family judge is a man but maybe it is a good thing. He also claimed that he is “so good looking” I owe him that he married me. Yuck. Thinking back now it makes me sick to my stomach.
I used to get so “jealous” when his female “followers” would text him. I am glad that he is a “free” man for them now. Because I sure don’t want him back. He is 46 now and at one time in his life his female narcissistic supply will decrease. Maybe then he wished he had his family back? It will be too late then because this is what he chose now. How sad is a life like that?
My ex is now 58, and to my knowledge, there has always been abundant supply for him. He got married in short order after he discarded me, I’m sure to make a public display that there was nothing wrong with him and that the end of our 7 year relationship was my fault. While we were never married, we did own a house together until about 6 weeks ago and either she never knew or she didn’t care/didn’t know the truth. I think she is around his age and if he was true to form, he had her convinced he was her dream man and at her age, she had won the lottery by finding him.
After the discard, I found out that he had been “dating” multiple women at his job throughout our whole relationship, some his age, some much, much younger. I’m sure their were others from outside the job. I asked one of the women from his job (as I had worked their previously myself) how, if as she said, it was general knowledge that he was “dating” around the office and stories of his antics had circulated, women continued to be interested in him. She said it was a mystery to her but that he seemed to be impossible to resist.
Ugh! Mine used to tell me I was lucky to have such a handsome man with such amazing sexual prowess (I’m paraphrasing) and constantly remind me that the “wannabes” (his word) were waiting in the wings to take my place should I not be grateful for my good fortune.
It’s disgusting. I don’t think they are capable of wishing they had their families back unless they have a reason to use them. I know mine used his children as weapons during his divorce from their mom and he treated them as afterthoughts as adults during the time I was around. He always had to throw his own birthday/Farther’s day barbeques and entice them to come with free food and booze. They know what he is but use him for their own gain as necessary.
I’m so glad I am free of that drama in my life.
This blog is so amazing – so much sharing and advice and information. I am looking for an attorney starting today and have found a few who specialize in my particular work situation. I am moving forward with butterflies in my stomach and feeling a bit disoriented.
I have proof of most of his antics – they are dark so I will not list them here. I have been printing out his e-mails and photographing his phone texts. I feel like I’m in an episode of Mission Impossible and trying to keep my cool around him. He is really busy right now – more than usual – and a bit pushy with me – more than usual. Yuck.
My state requires a 1-year separation prior to a dissolution or no-fault divorce. He could do so much damage in 1 year. So I may need to have a for cause divorce, but that could get messy since I have proof of illegal activities and I would NOT be safe. I could take early retirement but I need permission to do that with my work situation. So I have a lot to talk about with an attorney.
I am visiting an out of state aunt in a couple of weeks and I know I could live with her if need be. I will never tell her my situation but she is far enough away that I would be completely safe. I have pets I need to protect so I will need to be very careful how I leave. This is all so nerve wracking while staying calm at home and at work.
There is NO ONE I can talk to about this safely around here. So I hope you know how much the help, advice, posting here means to me.
OpalRose,
Good luck with your plan. You are wise to limit what you say for your own safety. I hope you are able to move to a more peaceful place soon.
I am in a similar situation and only a few know what I know. However, i do have copies of all incriminating info and have retained several attorneys to hold the information for safe keeping or to be distributed should something happen to me. Two of the attorneys are out of my current state. I have entrusted several professionals as well. I have completely excluded my family and friends from any knowledge of the activities of my Spath and will not risk them in any way. Please be careful,
Hoping to heal
You are so right. You have to be very careful. When I exposed him and threatens to turn in the evidence to “his” sheriffs dept, that’s the night he tried to have me arrested torn being “mentally ill”. Thinking back I would have done things differently. So be very cautious because they don’t have any regards for life. No empathy and no compassion equals evil.
Joyce, I would like some more clarity. My daughter, BPD, for sure, does not like me. I am probably too “straight” for her. I like to learn, don’t date, love my friends and family, am retired and have achieved much security and well being since my divorce from her, for certain, sociopathic father. Is it too harsh for me to just let her go? I have no energy, although I am well, for “crazies” in my life. I feel like I can sever our uncomfortable, pseudo-mother- daughter relationship, easily. I do not want to be cruel or unsympathetic, however. Thanks for your concern. Gratefully, Kalina.
Kalina-
Kids with BPD “split” of their own volition when they don’t get what they want from you. Their concept is that you cease having value, except that their departure will cause you pain. That in itself, makes splitting worthwhile for them.
Sounds like your daughter has yet to reach a point at which she is totally independent in her own mind.
My best recommendation to you is that you set and maintain boundaries that you can live with as far as she’s concerned. I never turned my back on my son. Nor would I. He simply realized that I was not going to put up with his s-it, and he left on his own accord. I had to tolerate his outrageous behavior while he needed a roof over his head. Once he no longer did, I made him aware that his abusiveness had gone too far and I would no longer tolerate it. When you tell a child who can’t deal with shame that their behavior was unacceptable, you become the villain in their perception. There is no cause and effect in their awareness of relationships.
My biggest regret is that I didn’t know about how BPDs look at the world, and his departure was a blow thtruly weakly stripped the breath from my life. Despite his behavior issues, I adored my son. It took me a few years of non-stop agony, and writing my book, to put the peices together. I can only hope that my experience can help another parent who encounters similar behavior from feeling devastated the way I felt.
BPD kids are self-serving and uncaring. Will turning your back help? Of corse not, but neither will allowing yourself to be victimized. It’s one thing to go no-contact with a husband or lover who harmed you. It’s quite another when it’s your own flesh and blood, the baby who suckled at your breast and who you’d lay down your life for.
Set clear boundaries and don’t blame yourself if she turns away. You have every right to protect yourself from harm. You may want to locate a family therapist who treats BPD, if she is amenable to participate. As long as she wants a relationship with you, I would do everything possible to get professional guidance. Once she turns away, there is no hope of changing her path.
Wishing you the best-
Joyce
Joyce,
So much insight and wisdom for me to process. I believe I have asked the meaningful questions. Now to consider my boundaries. Not too open and not too distant. Frankly, I believe she has already cut me out of her life. I promised her 8,000 dollars toward her wedding. At first, it was 5,000 dollars. I uped it to 8. Then I get a call, it is not enough. She has threatened to elope and has alarmed her father. I am not alarmed. Even though I might afford more, in my heart, she would not appreciate my gesture. Attitude of entitlement, wouldn’t you agree! I am sad for her. We could have had it all. Now, we’ll have nothing. Thank you for taking the time to clarify what having BPD means to my daughter and to me. It has been 4 months now. Finally, I have clarity! Regards and best wishes, Kalina.
Joyce, I would like to add that my daughter has been seeing a therapist. A few years now. She likes her therapist. Frankly, since seeing her therapist, I have been labeled, “a toxic mom”. That has become my role. In this case I am anything but domineering, or stingy. I have a relationship with my younger son that is truly heaven sent. He is kind, loving, generous, a wonderful father and loving husband. I have considered just letting in the fresh air and the negativity can go right to he–. Thank you for listening and sharing. My best regards, Kalina
Opal Rose,
Wishing you strength in moving forward. I live in a “no fault” state, no separation required. But what I learned is that even in a “no fault” state adultery still matters when it comes to spousal support, visitation and distribution of marital assets. Judges are human and they do notice if there was adultery or abuse committed. So it’s very wise to document everything. Good luck.
kaya48 – thank you so much. I’ve been reading your posts and they resonate with me. My husband is a licensed professional with a sense of entitlement and a network of buddies who cover for him. He is 60 years old and still trolling constantly. He usually has to pay for his activities now. When you said yours is 46 years old, I can identify with that. His future is bleak although he will never see it that way – they just don’t get it.
Very best wishes to you as well.