You’ve been living in insanity. Your partner seems to randomly lash out or give you the silent treatment, and then says you’re to blame. Your finances are in shambles, and you’re to blame for that too even if you’re the only one working. You are positive that this person is cheating on you, but he or she insists you are paranoid and delusional.
Or, in a variation on a theme, you are living with the distinct feeling that something is amiss, although you can’t quite figure out what it is.
You Google terms like “emotional abuse” or “signs of cheating” or “love and deceit.” Eventually you end up on Lovefraud.
Suddenly, everything makes sense. The articles describe what you’re experiencing. Other people are telling stories that sound just like yours.
You realize that you’re involved with a sociopath.
You are horrified this personality disorder sounds really, really bad, and there is no treatment for it.
But you are also relieved now you know you are not crazy it’s him (or her).
So what do you do with this information?
First, here’s what NOT to do: Do NOT confront the sociopath.
Even though you want to say, “I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE!!!”
Even though you want to defend yourself, “IT’S NOT ME, IT’S YOU!!!”
Don’t do it.
Now that you know what you’re dealing with, keep the information to yourself and carefully plan what you’re going to do next.
The sociopath’s reaction
Sociopaths are all about power and control. If you tell the person that you have figured out that everything he or she has told you is a lie, that everything he or she has done was manipulation, the sociopath will perceive a loss of power and control over you.
The sociopath will probably react in one of these ways:
- Love bombing: He or she will turn on the charm or plead for another chance, causing you to doubt yourself and drawing you back into the web.
- Rage: He or she will become infuriated and ratchet up the abuse.
- Abandonment: he or she will abruptly leave, causing as much damage to you as possible on the way out.
Any of these reactions by the sociopath will probably make your situation more difficult.
So even though you now know the truth, put on an act. Pretend that everything is the same, while you evaluate the extent of the sociopath’s deceit and exploitation. Figure out how you are going to extricate yourself from the involvement to best protect your safety, health, finances and reputation.
Sociopath’s family
Here’s something else you should NOT do: Do not confide in the sociopath’s family.
Keep in mind that this disorder is highly genetic, so it is quite possible that the sociopath’s parents, siblings or other relatives are also disordered. If so, they will side with the sociopath to help him or her keep control over you.
Or, the family may be clueless. Some family members especially if they don’t see the sociopath very often may have absolutely no idea what he or she is really like. If the sociopath starts playing the victim, they may buy the act and do everything they can to help the sociopath, not you.
Or, the family may have known all along that the sociopath was no good, and wanted you to take the problem off of their hands. They don’t want to deal with the disorder again, so they may sabotage your efforts to escape.
Talking to friends
Do not relay your suspicions to any friends who are also the sociopath’s friends.
Sociopaths engage in impression management. Just as the sociopath was able to charm you for so long, he or she charms other people. So people who know the sociopath may have a hard time believing what you are saying.
This is especially true if the sociopath has already launched a smear campaign.
Long before you have any clue what is going on, the sociopath may have started laying the groundwork to discredit you. He or she may have made up stories about your behavior, or “confided” that you’re “mentally unstable.”
The sociopath may have subtly turned people against you. So if you start talking about what has really been going on in your life, they are primed to disbelieve you.
In fact, you should also be careful about talking to your own friends.
The sociopath may contact them behind your back and convincingly express concern about you. What the sociopath really wants is information. Your friends may fall for the scam after all, you did and tell the sociopath something that can jeopardize your plans.
People don’t understand
Keep in mind that most people simply don’t understand what the words “sociopath” and “psychopath” mean. Most people think they are serial killers.
If you say you’re involved with a sociopath, and that person doesn’t look like a killer, others may think you’re exaggerating.
So even if you’re bursting to confront the sociopath, and you want to tell the world that he or she is a lying, manipulative exploiter, it’s best to be very cautious about sharing the information.
Keep quiet, at least in the beginning until you know whom you can really trust.
Opal Rose,
Wow 60 and still trolling. ….I am glad I put an end to it then. I am 48 years old now and I could not imagine doing another 10 or 20 years with him. You are absolutely right. They don’t realize what they have done and they will never miss their families.
Him being a deputy makes everything more difficult. As he thinks he is entitled to “special” treatment. Like when he called his cop friends to try to have me arrested for being “mentally ill”, things like that. I am a believer and I am suppose to forgive. But there is no way I will ever forgive him what he put me through. And I hope god will understand.
I will keep posting of my progress (hopefully positive) in divorce court. This website literally saved my life by teaching me the no contact. So thanks from the bottom of my heart to everyone.
Somebody above suggested feigning chronic fatigue syndrome up until the soon-to-be-ex husband moves out. IMO, this is a bad idea, because the ex will probably fight for custody, and he will argue that you are too exhausted to meet the children’s needs.
To Kaya48: Your ex and his mistress deserve each other.
I agree, be careful not to show weakness. Spath will use anything possible to get their way.
Your article was right on target. I know because in my 32 years with a sociopathic husband, I made every mistake the article mentioned and my life is ruined. After I finally decided to divorce my ex-husband, he turned my two adult sons against me, as well as his family, our neighbors and friends. My ex also stole money from me that was left to me by my mother and destroyed priceless possessions dear to me. Everything he did, he did indirectly as is the way of sociopaths. They’re like snakes in the grass.
For anyone still with a sociopath, take the advice in the article seriously. Don’t disturb a sociopath. There’s nothing they won’t do, no one they won’t hurt, no lie they won’t tell in order to “win”. Once you cross them, you’re doomed because while you have a sense of decency, they don’t. They don’t follow any moral rules. And most people you know don’t know what a sociopath is or what it’s like to be in a relationship with one. They won’t believe what you tell them. It’s best not to say anything because they’ll think you’re crazy.
The best advice I can give to anyone in a relationship with a sociopath is to immediately leave the sociopath as soon as you figure them out. Don’t stay and waste you life like I did. Don’t let them draw you back into their web. Run, run as fast and as far as you can.
Unfortunately, I also have relatives that are sociopaths. My advice to anyone with a sociopathic relative is to decide whether you’re going to let them abuse you or whether you’re going to end the relationship. Those are your only two choices. There’s no middle ground with a sociopath.
Dustey, what you say here is the complete truth…you have summed it up to a tee in a few short paragraphs.
I was with mine for 7 years and thankfully wasn’t married to him so he couldn’t access my income or the one asset I chose to hoard, and didn’t have any kids. It has been almost 3 years since I was discarded and I have come to understand it as a life saving event for me. It has only been a few weeks since the last connection was severed (sale of a shared piece of property). I have lost so much personally, professionally and financially that at 59, won’t ever be recovered. I do hope that in time I will have a new life that I can be happy in and I know it is up to me to create it, since anyone from “before” that I might have thought of as a friend or support is long gone.
While I have known for a long time that the discard was long planned and carefully orchestrated to create the maximum damage to me, and he even recreated elements of past hurts I had shared with him to spread a little glitter on top, only this week did I fully realize that in addition, he had set it all up for it to look as if he was harmed in the process too. Basically what he did was to spend several years working with me to make some of my lifetime dreams come true (of course saying they were his dreams too) and let me put must of my money into it (for reasons that seemed perfectly reasonable at the time of course) and then pull the rug out from under me and leave me holding the bag financially. Meanwhile, he continued his lifestyle without missing a beat, still has his home, his trips, his expensive toys and a new wife who I can only assume is helping to finance an even bigger lifestyle. The way I see it, he spent those years working to get me in a position to make my dreams come true only so he could make sure they were taken away from me AND that I wouldn’t have the ability to even come close to recreating them.
I now believe it is next to impossible for those who haven’t experienced it to understand. I don’t speak of it anymore except in places (like this) that i know to be completely safe. I’ve heard it all from my ex so-called friends, and there was no support, or even compassion there. I have no doubt that some of them believe that even these forums are places we’ve created to delude ourselves and use as crutches because we can’t accept our responsibility in what happened. I’ve seen the condescending looks and heard the comments about how it wouldn’t ever happen to them – they just don’t know what they don’t know. It is a lonely, lonely road.
Hi all 🙂 It has been several years now since my split with my spath and I am doing a million times better (it really does get better eventually as long as you stay NC, especially when you have a blog like this to help you through!!) But, I have a friend in a situation and I am trying to help her get through it and I wonder if anybody might have any suggestions on this.. She has been with spath for 6 years…now…since january..he has left their townhouse, left her with all the bills, apparently had another woman over at their house before he left (I am assuming when my friend was working or out of town) and told her he was housesitting for his sister and that it was her place (I guess in case the other woman saw the photos around.) My friend knows this because the other woman contacted her. Also, a second woman has contacted her. Meanwhile, the spath keeps telling my friend that these girls are just friends and that he is staying at his mom’s house but that he loves her and he is coming back home soon and hoping they can make things work. Obviously all lies, but she had the normal reaction to a sociopaths actions like calling him a million times, driving past the girls house to catch him in his lies…calling him out…trying to beat him at his game which we know doesn’t really happen when you are dealing with someone who doesn’t care about anything. So… now, HE is taking her to court for stalking and phone misuse?!?!?? She has to go in front of a judge soon and I know that lots of times advice I have been given is not to try to tell people what the spath has done bc if they don’t understand what a spath is, they will just think you really are crazy and stupid… This is not something that I have experience with…mine never tried to take me to court…so I was hoping that maybe one of you would maybe have some suggestions that I could try to suggest to her that might help? Thanks so much!!! Hugs!
Well you know you can’t beat them at their game. For me, I found the best tactic was to go so NC as to almost not exist. There were financial issues to be worked through an attorney, but beyond that, I went underground. It worked for me.
My best advice is your friend needs to act as if anything related to him will bring her harm and move forward with a new life that completely excludes him. I say act as if because you have to do it even if you’re not believing it yet. Because it will.
I went back and forth with mine for 7 years…I wouldn’t wish 7 DAYS on anyone. I began to think of mine as a demon that if I even looked in his general direction I would be instantly incinerated. I have not seen him since the discard, and have multiple plans of what I will do if I ever saw him in public or (God forbid) he knew where I was and sought me out. They all involve a completely blank look on my face, absolutely no reaction and getting myself away as fast as possible. He will NEVER get the slightest acknowledgement or reaction from me.
She needs to protect herself in every way possible. NC is essential.
Thank you so much! I have been preaching NC to her for a long time, but a lot of times it was like she wasn’t even listening and he was able to suck her right back in, which I completely understand…Maybe now that he has gone to this extreme she will realize that is what she needs to do and there is no other option…Your idea about the demon and incineration is great..I will def share it with her…I have tried to get her to sign up for this site bc I told her how much it helped me but for some reason she won’t.. I think she is just too traumatized right now to even be able to concentrate on anything. Thanks again and congrats to you on your healing. 🙂 The best revenge is getting over them and living a good life!
Sorry to hear about your friend. I can totally relate to her situation. After I was discarded, while he was having an affair with a young co worker, he filed for a temporary injunction for domestic violence against me. It was very easy to obtain as they usually always grant a temporary one as it is based on one persons statements. It is very important to retain good, aggressive counsel when going to the court hearing. (Usually within 10 days of the temporary restraining order). Like I mentioned before I chose a male criminal defense attorney. (Any female one might get hooked on his “good looks”, his nick name is Captain America ). Fortunately the judge was able to see his “evil” planning. He dismissed the restraining order as it was based on insufficient evidence and lies. My soon to be ex had the opportunity to drop everything at the beginning of the hearing. He refused but looked like an idiot at the end if it. The judge did not buy his b/s even though my husband is a cop in the same county. Please tell her to take this very serious. A permanent injunction has devastating consequences.
I went no contact and filed for divorce the same day. Best decision I have ever made. After 20 years this man is my number one enemy. We are still battling it out in court. It’s not easy but it’s the only choice I had. I will never speak with him again, look at him or contact him in any way.
It might be very expensive but only communicate through lawyers. They know how to deal with them. My attorney knows that my husband is a sociopath. That’s why I chose a criminal defense/family lawyer. You just never know what they throw in your path and I like to be prepared. He blindsighted me by leaving one night and changing all bank accounts. But I am wiser now. I always have to be one step ahead of him.
Good luck for your friend.
Thank you kaya! I am sorry you are still going through this all these years later 🙁 They are pure evil. Thanks so much for your advice…I am really worried that she is going to lose her cool when she sees him in court so I am trying to coach her on that the best I can…I will definitely share your advice with her and thank you for sharing. What I can’t understand is why someone like the man you or she has been dealing with would want to take someone to court where they could potentially be revealed for who they really are…Surely he should know that she is going to tell her side of the story…or at least that she is going to try and that there is a chance that they will lose. I am so worried that she is going to come across as “psycho” because it all does sound so ridiculous to someone who has never dealt with someone like this. That is probably what he is hoping for. I hope the judge she gets can see through him like the one that you had. Congrats to you on your initial win…and good luck to you with everything you are still dealing with.
Hanalei moon
You are absolutely right. No contact is the most essential tool. As you, I do not acknowledge him and he will never, ever get any reaction out of me. Positive or negative. Just nothing. I am planning to wear my sunglasses in court next week as I don’t want to see his “ugly” face. He might look handsome on the outside but to me he is a “demon” like you said. There is nothing good about him.
I compare him to Lucifer (who was the most beautiful angel) and I sure wouldn’t give the devil the time of the day. My time in “hell” is over and he has no more influence on me. Please tell your friend she cannot do it on her own. I rely heavily on my attorney because you cannot fight a war without weapons. Going to battle on your own will get you killed.
Kaya, I think that she is not going to have a choice but to go in on her own 🙁 She doesn’t have enough money for an attorney because he has drained all of her funds by his leaving. He has been messaging her almost every week saying he would stop by with some money and that he was staying at his “mom’s” until he could figure out his life but that he would be back “soon”. Of course he never shows up and he definitely wasn’t at his moms.. and even after I went through a 4 year relationship with someone like this, i am still having a hard time processing this mentally. How these people are programmed to be so evil. This triggers me because besides the court bit, it is all so familiar. I once saw a quote, on facebook I think, that said, be careful who you trust as the devil was once an angel. What you have said reminded me of it. It is so true.
Thank you. Yes, it has been about year of divorce proceedings. It’s the battle of my life. It is undescribable for me how the person who claimed to love me till death do us apart, put me in court and had his own 18 years old son testify against him. To me it’s unbelievable but it happened. That time last year was a bad dream I could not get out of. The restraining order was the “tip of the iceberg”. To put your own family in civil court and try to have me arrested for being “mentally ill” was too much.
You are right I was worried also if they would believe him and label me “crazy”. But you know what, judges are very smart and usually see through the lies . When my soon to be ex claimed he was “afraid” of me 3 months before he filed the restraining order, the judge looked puzzled. 3 months ago ??? It was almost hilarious. I actually laugh about it now but it sure was a very painful time .
Thanks for everyone’s support here. I don’t have minor children so when this divorce is final nothing “connects” me to him. It will be the end of this nightmare.
I kind of look back on some of the things now that my ex did to me and laugh a bit…at the time I thought I was dying…I remember saying that I would have rather him physically beat me up than play all the mind games. But now, I just see how much I really was under his spell and I can see how my friend is the exact same way as I was and I am trying my very best to try to snap her out of it.
The intent of a sociopath is to deceive. Putting something over, so to speak, getting the upper hand. When it comes to confabulation, mixing thoughts and images up to confuse and baffle, typically they are masters. Cognitive dissonance, with a big D. These sick people believe they are masters at the art of manipulation. They, typically, are. They lie like they brush their tenth. No scruples, no boundaries, and it’s under the cover of eliciting your sympathy. Your friend may need encouragement to set her moral compass on high alert. Not to get, in any way, emotionally caught up in the drama. Judges do get blindsided. They just don’t admit it. Many may even be Mysogynists, which colors their judgement. Good luck to you and your friend. I have been there for 29 years and I believe it’s true what Satre says, “Hell is here on earth”. Kalina
Thank you Kalina, It is so hard for me or her or any of us to understand how someone can do this to another person because we are not like them. He just paid off a ring for her a few months bakc, and now she finds out after the fact that this goes much further back than just the last few months. Good luck to you as well…it is so hard to go to battle against these evil people when they care about nothing and have no conscience.
Dear Mending-
They have an uncanny, arrogant sense that no one will see through them.
It seems likely, since he’s taking her to court, that someone is watching and so, he’s putting on a show. He is getting something out of trying to make your friend look like the offender. He is trying to discredit her.
The problem we all deal with in going to court with a sociopath is that court is not about justice. It’s about proof. If you don’t have sufficient proof, justice will not be forthcoming.
Sociopaths blur the lines between cause and effect in order to claim that “adaptive” behavior, actions to defend, protect, or emotionally free oneself, is the source of the problem. It’s a means they use to gaslight their victims…. causing others, and even the victims themselves, to question their actions.
She needs a good lawyer, one who understands cause and effect, and one who can make a credible argument that the man is a sociopath. And she needs to have no further contact with that man, whatsoever.
Joyce
Thank you so much… I just spoke with her…the problem she is having is that since he left and left her with all of the rent and the bills to pay on her own (3 rents now that he hasn’t paid a dime), she does not have enough money to hire a laywer to take with her on such short notice and doesn’t have any family in a position to help her…Unfortunately, I am not in a position to help her financially either, or I would. She spoke with a police officer and was just told to show up and state her case. 🙁 I am telling her to print all emails, show phone records, make a timeline, etc..I am not sure what else she should do. I really hope that she is able to discredit what he is saying…her reactions were to his actions and emotional abuse and I just hope that the judge can see through him and drop this case. I am so worried for her. 🙁 She plans to say that this order is not necessary because she wants nothing to do with him after she has found out all he has done but I am not sure if that will mean anything to the judge because obviously they would probably expect someone in her position to say that no matter what. The very same day that he went and filed this order, he had called her the same morning and and asked her to spend time with him and his child, and then boom…later in the day she has to deal with this. She can show that he called, but it would be her word against his about what was said during the call.
That’s a real bad idea, just to go and state her case. And of course this came from a Police Officer. Tell her to sell some assets or do everything in her power to borrow money for an attorney. I have been there and I would have been destroyed in court if it was not for my attorney stating my defense. An injunction is very serious and can have unforeseen consequences.
Good luck and I will be praying for her.
Yes the devil was the most beautiful angel before he got “banned”. And this who she will have to stand up against in court. The problem is she does not know what she is allowed to say in court, what evidence is admissible and so on. It’s a totally different language in court and nothing like Judge Judy.
The police officer told her “just to state her case”. This is the same officer who would throw her in jail whenever the other person claims she violated that restraining order.
I hope she can get some funds to get good good counsel. For me it was worth $1000.
Good luck.
kaya, you’re absolutely right about her needing a lawyer.
My ex tried to deal with my lawyer on his own for almost a year before he hired one of his own. Even then he went around his lawyer and tried to contact me directly multiple times. All I did was email or drop the stuff off at my lawyers office.
It’s also worth the money just for the support of someone in your corner. I’m an educated person, and without my lawyer I would have floundered and made more problems for myself because I was so emotional and desperate. I don’t regret a dime of her fee.
I agree with you. I am thinking the same about it being a bad idea. I don’t think that he will have an attorney either though…I am hoping that he will get scared and won’t even show up. Now he is saying that if she writes a letter agreeing to leave him alone and has it notarized that he may consider dropping all of this. She is refusing to do that, which I think I would also refuse because that I feel would be admitting guilt when she is not really guilty persay….so as of right now, she will be headed to court next week with no attoney unless she comes up with some type of idea. She is trying to send her child to college and pay for everything on her own now…I can’t believe he did this to her, well actually I can, but it just is not fair that this happens so often to good people. Thank you for your prayers.
My heart goes out to her. I was abandoned in a state where I knew no one, had no contacts and no job, and he left me with a mortgage payment of a little over $4,000 a month. Yes, $4,000 a month. I had no family to turn to and in fact, had been supplementing my parents income prior to this. My friends were no help. I did it completely alone. After I scraped myself off the floor, I got a job. I sold everything I owned that had any value that wasn’t nailed down. I paid the mortgage, paid the utilities, paid to have repairs made to an old house that were essential. Paid for an attorney. Bartered. Scrimped. Leaned on my credit card. Wore the same outfit to work multiple days a week. Did without. I did it for almost three years until the house sold. I lost my entire down payment (over $100,000) but I didn’t ruin my credit. It seemed impossible at the beginning and many times during the process, but I did it. I did it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. I had an attorney who was honest and didn’t steal my money and told me directly that she would be glad to handle suing him and it was likely that I would win a judgement but he would never pay and I would be left with her bills. I feel fortunate that I didn’t lose more. I did it and your friend can too.
Thank you, I am sharing this with her as she feels there is no hope. She can’t afford to live this way and needs to find another place but has no money for movers, etc…you know how it goes. She is having a hard time finding a place that she can afford and doesn’t want to move to another location right now with her son in school. You are very strong to have done all of that..especially when dealing with the emotional aspects of the abuse at the same time. I moved to another state to get away from my spath…I had sold all of my furniture on a website and packed up my entire place in 2 weeks and he had no idea I was doing it bc we were on a “break” at the the time..she is going to have to be strong and keep trying to move forward. I am in a diff state than she is, but I told her that if she needs help moving, I will drive there to help her.
Joyce
You are absolutely correct. She needs a very good lawyer. I am for ever grateful to my lawyer who was able to “put my husband in his place” in court. Yes, he tried to discredit me and labeled me “mentally ill”. He wanted to be portrayed as the victim and as a cop needed sympathy. I found out later that it was his counsel who told him to file an injunction against me. Many attorneys use an injunction for domestic violence as a tool to make the opposing side look bad and guilty. It’s sad that they would abuse something like this to their advantage. It’s a waste of time and money for the court system.
Luckily in my case it did not work out to his favor. But to this day he still tries to manipulate and connive. This is another reason he chose a female attorney. He thinks with his “handsome ” looks he can get away with everything. And I can tell from my last court date that she is totally “under his spell” already.
I am aware of his evil actions now so I am definetely more prepared than I ever was.