You’ve been living in insanity. Your partner seems to randomly lash out or give you the silent treatment, and then says you’re to blame. Your finances are in shambles, and you’re to blame for that too even if you’re the only one working. You are positive that this person is cheating on you, but he or she insists you are paranoid and delusional.
Or, in a variation on a theme, you are living with the distinct feeling that something is amiss, although you can’t quite figure out what it is.
You Google terms like “emotional abuse” or “signs of cheating” or “love and deceit.” Eventually you end up on Lovefraud.
Suddenly, everything makes sense. The articles describe what you’re experiencing. Other people are telling stories that sound just like yours.
You realize that you’re involved with a sociopath.
You are horrified this personality disorder sounds really, really bad, and there is no treatment for it.
But you are also relieved now you know you are not crazy it’s him (or her).
So what do you do with this information?
First, here’s what NOT to do: Do NOT confront the sociopath.
Even though you want to say, “I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE!!!”
Even though you want to defend yourself, “IT’S NOT ME, IT’S YOU!!!”
Don’t do it.
Now that you know what you’re dealing with, keep the information to yourself and carefully plan what you’re going to do next.
The sociopath’s reaction
Sociopaths are all about power and control. If you tell the person that you have figured out that everything he or she has told you is a lie, that everything he or she has done was manipulation, the sociopath will perceive a loss of power and control over you.
The sociopath will probably react in one of these ways:
- Love bombing: He or she will turn on the charm or plead for another chance, causing you to doubt yourself and drawing you back into the web.
- Rage: He or she will become infuriated and ratchet up the abuse.
- Abandonment: he or she will abruptly leave, causing as much damage to you as possible on the way out.
Any of these reactions by the sociopath will probably make your situation more difficult.
So even though you now know the truth, put on an act. Pretend that everything is the same, while you evaluate the extent of the sociopath’s deceit and exploitation. Figure out how you are going to extricate yourself from the involvement to best protect your safety, health, finances and reputation.
Sociopath’s family
Here’s something else you should NOT do: Do not confide in the sociopath’s family.
Keep in mind that this disorder is highly genetic, so it is quite possible that the sociopath’s parents, siblings or other relatives are also disordered. If so, they will side with the sociopath to help him or her keep control over you.
Or, the family may be clueless. Some family members especially if they don’t see the sociopath very often may have absolutely no idea what he or she is really like. If the sociopath starts playing the victim, they may buy the act and do everything they can to help the sociopath, not you.
Or, the family may have known all along that the sociopath was no good, and wanted you to take the problem off of their hands. They don’t want to deal with the disorder again, so they may sabotage your efforts to escape.
Talking to friends
Do not relay your suspicions to any friends who are also the sociopath’s friends.
Sociopaths engage in impression management. Just as the sociopath was able to charm you for so long, he or she charms other people. So people who know the sociopath may have a hard time believing what you are saying.
This is especially true if the sociopath has already launched a smear campaign.
Long before you have any clue what is going on, the sociopath may have started laying the groundwork to discredit you. He or she may have made up stories about your behavior, or “confided” that you’re “mentally unstable.”
The sociopath may have subtly turned people against you. So if you start talking about what has really been going on in your life, they are primed to disbelieve you.
In fact, you should also be careful about talking to your own friends.
The sociopath may contact them behind your back and convincingly express concern about you. What the sociopath really wants is information. Your friends may fall for the scam after all, you did and tell the sociopath something that can jeopardize your plans.
People don’t understand
Keep in mind that most people simply don’t understand what the words “sociopath” and “psychopath” mean. Most people think they are serial killers.
If you say you’re involved with a sociopath, and that person doesn’t look like a killer, others may think you’re exaggerating.
So even if you’re bursting to confront the sociopath, and you want to tell the world that he or she is a lying, manipulative exploiter, it’s best to be very cautious about sharing the information.
Keep quiet, at least in the beginning until you know whom you can really trust.
It seems like you are very good friend to her. It is very difficult and I would have never imagined to be the recipient if a restraining order. But it did happen. I was also left with nothing but my pets and my full time college student son. It really sucks. And then on top of it to have to deal with injunctions and divorce. I also sold most if my possessions to pay my lawyer along with my family’s help. She will get through it. I stayed strong and also relied on my faith.
Thanks, she is also a good friend to me. Once when I was still in a really bad place because of my ex, there was this girl I had met through work(not my friend who I speak of now), who talked to me all the time and listened to me talk about what I was going through bc she had gone through something similar..I remember one time I had said to her something like, how can I ever thank you enough for talking to me so much about all of this and understanding and not judging me for letting him do this over and over to me? And all she told me was to someday pay it forward. So I am trying. That is not the only reason that I am trying because I would always try to help any of my friends but now, I know the right things to say because of going through it,the advice I got from her, and the advice from others on this blog. All of those things together helped me figure out what he was, and now I can pass it all along to my friend. When she started telling me what he was doing I knew right away what she was dealing with. We must all be very strong people…In a way, sometimes now, I am so much stronger now because of what he put me through. That is the only positive that I can find…other than the fact that he is no longer in my life. I just spoke with her again, she has just contacted a lawyer for advice..yes!! 🙂
Mending-
If the charges he brought were criminal, she’s entitled to a court appointed lawyer. If he simply filed for a court ordered restraint, have her try Legal Aid.
You’d mentioned that they just finished paying off her ring. Good! Have her sell it.
Karin Huffer wrote a book on Legal Abuse Syndrome. She may have some suggestions. A woman who worked with her opened a practice in which she helps people in similar circumstances. Her name escapes me for the moment, but it would be a good idea to contact her. Perhaps someone here can recall her recent posts. (A senior moment! ;-))
Never assume what actions he will or will not take. Your friend must be prepared. If she hasn’t found an attorney by her court date, she can ask for a postponement to seek counsel. Tell her to keep a record of the efforts she’s made toward that end. If she’s seeing a therapist for the emotional trauma she’s suffered from him, she may have a stronger defense. And if he has caused her any physical harm, she should bring a counter-claim against him.
Also….. it never hurts to ask for a reduction in rent. Landlords lose money when people move out. They have to clean up, paint and rent it again. The property often lies vacant for at least a month, and possibly more. Getting a tenant out of a unit through the courts takes a while….. and usually, with no revenue coming in. Some landlords will look at you like a third eye just sprang from the back of your head, but others are more humane. It’s worth trying.
And one last thing…. a way to generate more income is to rent out a room in her property. If she has a townhome, she might have a den, an extra bedroom, or both. She’ll need to conduct a serious background check on anyone she rents to.
Joyce
Thanks Joyce, I am sending her all of these suggestions so she has some options to work with… She did call a lawyer and he suggested that if she was not able to pay the fees that she might want to go file one of her own against him for emotional abuse, which is what I think you were suggesting as well. I am not well versed when it comes to the legal system and I did not even know that she could do that. I think this is a court ordered restraint against her for “stalking” and “phone misuse”, I don’t think it is criminal, in her state she calls it a protective order. Also, I am definitely going to push her to talk to her landlord like you mentioned..that is a great idea and her landlord has a bit of knowledge as to what has been going on so he may be willing to work with her on that… Thank you so much for your suggestions!:) She did go to talk to a counselor, and the counselor told her that he sounds like a sociopath. I don’t know if that would help her at all, or if she would even be allowed to say that since the counselor did not actually see him in person, only her. He was supposed to go several times with her bc of his lying which he agreed to, but of course always had some reason why he could not go.
She shouldn’t appear in front of the judge without an attorney representing her. Legal Aid may be able to provide some help.
Joyce
Joyce, selling that ring is a good idea in more ways than one…over time, I have sold, given away or just thrown in the trash everything that came from my ex, that we picked out together, or that I associated with him in some way. I felt wasteful about some of the things, but in the long run found that the psychological freedom of not having them around anymore was well worth it.
During the worst of the financial times, I considered renting out rooms and pursued it to the point of interviewing potential tenants and found out that my ability to trust was so compromised that I couldn’t go through with it even though the additional cash would have helped so much.
Hanalei moon
I agree with you about selling items that were given to you by the sociopath. I also sold my wedding ring for scrap good, some items I just threw away. It was emotionally freeing to part with those things. My soon to be ex purchased a house for us about 6 years ago, it was literally my dream home. Of course he stopped making the very high mortgage payments after I was discarded. Since my name was on the mortgage also he wanted to ruin my credit by letting it go I to foreclosure. Fortunately the house was ordered to be sold by the court and I managed to find a buyer. This entire time I was trying to hold on to this house and always pictured myself sad and crying when it would come to the selling. Well, the house is sold, I moved out and I must say that I felt happiness. Not one tear, not one sad moment. Instead it was freeing to leave this house. The bad memories were left behind. The place were I was betrayed and lied to is gone and I feel relieved. Another evil plan of his did not go through as he had planned.
To the person with the friend, I am so glad she consulted an attorney. She can always ask for a motion to continue the hearing if she needs more time. Please tell her to not contact him in any way while there is a temporary restraining order. It could land her in jail if she did. And she should even have any contact with him nor sign any papers by him.
It’s unbelievable how our stories are all the same. Good luck.
Hanalei moon
I agree with you about selling items that were given to you by the sociopath. I also sold my wedding ring for scrap good, some items I just threw away. It was emotionally freeing to part with those things. My soon to be ex purchased a house for us about 6 years ago, it was literally my dream home. Of course he stopped making the very high mortgage payments after I was discarded. Since my name was on the mortgage also he wanted to ruin my credit by letting it go I to foreclosure. Fortunately the house was ordered to be sold by the court and I managed to find a buyer. This entire time I was trying to hold on to this house and always pictured myself sad and crying when it would come to the selling. Well, the house is sold, I moved out and I must say that I felt happiness. Not one tear, not one sad moment. Instead it was freeing to leave this house. The bad memories were left behind. The place were I was betrayed and lied to is gone and I feel relieved. Another evil plan of his did not go through as he had planned.
To the person with the friend, I am so glad she consulted an attorney. She can always ask for a motion to continue the hearing if she needs more time. Please tell her to not contact him in any way while there is a temporary restraining order. It could land her in jail if she did. And she should not have any contact with him nor sign any papers by him.
It’s unbelievable how our stories are all the same. Good luck.
kaya, the home that I had to sell was my dream home also; I carried the mortgage and all the expenses of the home for almost three years after the discard and it was a constant pressure on me. He kept none of his financial commitments to me. While I looked forward to the day I could get out from under the drain of the house, and celebrated that the final connection to him was cut, walking away from the home hasn’t been the relief I had hoped. I realize now that that house had become a sanctuary for me – the discard happened within months of buying it and he never even moved in so there were no real memories there. The burden of the house was mostly a financial one. It’s been less than a month and I’m in temporary quarters. I’m trying to be gentle with myself and realize that there’s still a transition period to get through and hope that when I find and settle into a permanent home of my own choosing my spirit will lighten up. The feeling of relief, freedom and excitement for the future is proving to be a little elusive yet.
Sometimes I think I developed a bit of Stockholm syndrome with the house. Only half kidding.
Is it always just about money, when we stay attached to a sociopath? I am ashamed to admit, in my case I had financial security that I really never bothered to explore. Instead, I became a hermit. I did not socialize out of shame and insecurity. Everything about my life was a pretense. I never let any friend know that I was psychologically bleeding. I pursued very narrow interests, getting a BA, etc. My grades were my only source of gratification. Only that the gratification was so short lived that my self esteem actually lost more ground than I gained. I did gain some literacy but the cost was definitely a level of despair and moral devastation, that you read about in novels. It’s been several years now, my life is in order. I am still haunted by the fact that I could have easily walked away. I didn’t. Used my misery as an excuse to feel entitled to indulge in only what I believed would further my career. Whatever friends I had in the past have abandoned me. See me as unreliable and selfish. Actually, I became exactly like my abuser. Morally corrupt for tolerating such an evil person and not lifting a finger to rescue myself. I believe that the efforts I read about here were way beyond my perception or understanding. Kalina
Why would someone be frightened of psychological and moral freedom? Why would an intelligent woman relinquish personal responsibility? Wouldn’t this denial be a testament to her own low character? Even if we grow, I believe we somehow must redeem ourselves. Our own sanity cannot be based on blaming anyone for our faults but ourselves. Kalina
kalina,
Most of the stories I read on LF are of partners who truly loved the person who betrayed them. I would never consider someone who loves and hopes for a change to be of low character. Once a person’s self worth is diminished by deep betrayal, isolation and fear can overwhelm them. Maybe in your case, your education was your own way of distracting yourself from abuse, isolation and pain. Moving forward can become an almost unimaginable task. Being stuck in the trauma is a normal psychological response, especially if one is unaware of any other solution. I wouldn’t call that a fault. If anything, endurance is a sign of strength.
Response to abuse creates a brainstorm of thoughts and emotions that can physically, not just psychologically, shut down a brain. When one becomes so stressed, that their bodies are responding negatively, their choice of sanity is not a easy choice. We are not always responsible for the struggles in life that we face and sometimes fault must be put justifiably on another’s shoulders to help us see the truth and regain our power to be able to cope.
I hope you will reconsider yourself and the positive things you’ve achieved. You may be at a low point right now, but if you are here on LF and have the courage to learn and have opinions, then you are moving in the right direction. Isolation is a normal reaction to abuse, strength is having the wisdom to stay because of financial reasons, get an education and seek to better yourself. You didn’t relinquish responsibility, it was stolen from you and your were forced to deal with the aftermath. I think you should be proud of your strengths and be more tolerant of your past decisions.
Thank you. Actually, I have not considered myself to be strong. Over the years, many kind, intelligent, well meaning professionals have considered me to be “the most passive, insecure, dependent client they ever had”. I believe I was simply catatonic and frightened the clinicians with my complex symptom picture. Many actually admitted how much they hated “dependent women”. I was called simply, “a parasite”. While I am indebted to you for your support, I will process your way of looking at my past, knowing it takes years for the mind and spirit to heal. Regards, Kalina
Joyce is absolutely right. She should never appear in front of the judge without legal representation, legal aid or retained counsel. I was in that position last year and I did not expect court to be like it was. Like I mentioned before, even though my husband did not have a lawyer, I could have not handled it without my lawyer. When I was the respondent of the injunction, the first thing I did is retain an attorney. Even though this was a civil matter it was helpful to have a criminal defense attorney. I think they are more experienced in defense motions than family lawyers. My attorney did a wonderful job representing me. I know the restraining order was based on false allegations but it is a serious matter.
After that incident I had no other choice but filing for divorce. I retained the same lawyer as he also handles divorce cases and this way he was already “familiar” with my husband.
I know it is extremely expensive to retain counsel but it is so important to have someone behind you in legal proceedings. Otherwise I would be very lost and scared. Having him by my side in court gives me confidence and assurance that I can “win” this battle. 🙂
In the end it is up to each of us to redefine our past experiences. With compassion and understanding we can heal. Without it, we reinforce our own pathology. I also believe we must learn to articulate in supportive and kind ways, what we want and what we expect. Sometimes our interpersonal style lacks sensitivity as a result of trauma. I think it’s called “trauma bonding”. Learning to trust others is a two way process of forgiving and forgetting. I bet the really wise people have learned things one can never glean from a book. This is a dialogue I am having with myself. I ask, why, what, how and then I respond with care. Dialogue, self reflection, is the process of healing contradiction. That is what trauma victims suffer most from. Confusion, contradiction, disorder, and lack of empathy.
Kalina, I really appreciated the timing of your post. I just read something very similar in a book about dating and how to attract love. She also talks about asking for what we want and expect from our friends. Being able to ask for the type of support we need from our friends directly correlates to our dating life as well.
Hi Kalina-
I understand that bristling at the back of the neck over things that may not have previously bothered you. Just wanted to point out the terminology so you’re understood in what you express, and your path toward healing can more readily head down a productive path.
What you’re defining is the result of PTSD. That’s the reaction one has to being traumatized. Many of us who have suffered betrayal, not only are impaired by PTSD, but a subset known as rape syndrome. Although we may not have been physically bruised and battered, we were sexually assaulted through fraud. Often the offender has used a ruse that was grounded in lies, either of intent or of character. Doing so is a form of betrayal. As the truth unfolds, a “trauma bond” otherwise known as a “betrayal bond”, or “Stockholm syndrome” can set in.
Trauma bonding is the chemical and mental addiction that keeps us cleaving to the person who harmed us. Betrayal sets up a “longing” affect that makes it hard to pull away. It’s what onlookers often describe as “love is blind.”
So the behavior of having a shorter fuse is the result of PTSD or Rape Syndrome, while the difficulty breaking free from someone who wronged you is a “trauma bond.”
Joyce
To Hoping To Heal.
Of course it’s true that minus empathy little or no trauma patient can endure the grief and suffering required to reconstruct a new identity. In my graduate work I listened to the behind the scenes chit chat of fellow student clinicians. Personally, I was not typically included as my own social skills were seriously impaired. However, I was not blind deaf and dumb to the extent that my sensibility was totally negated. In the 1980’s and 1990’s, rational thinking superseded wisdom.. Judgement about clients was in it’s own way black and white. I taped many of my sessions with very reputable therapists. I watched the deterioration of my own psychic structures as my defenses were bombarded with confrontation after confrontation. The experience were traumatic and yet invaluable. I learned that it’s the in between space, the connection that had to be healed. I continue to remind myself of this fact daily. I quote St. Augustine “in a remarkable sweetness of mutual kindness, we were inquiring amongst ourselves in the presence of the Truth”. This helped me to heal. It became my new frame of reference. Thank you for listening. Kalina
kallina,
What a beautiful quote! I see your point that self analysis and inner reflection is the path to healing. Kindness to one’s self and others is a key element in forgiveness. I hope my words to you have not come across as unkind or judgmental. They were not meant to show lack of sensitivity, only to encourage you that you don’t seem “parasitic” but more caring and giving than you think yourself to be..
I agree that forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves regardless if the offender is deserving or not. It comes from a core of compassion for fellow humans as a whole.
Your stories from your graduate work are not only interesting but a little disturbing. They do help support my opinion that clinician’s opinions and techniques follow a path of least resistance. While each patient’s experiences and reactions are as unique as fingerprints, they are all looked at and treated within the narrow opinion of whatever theory is popular and accepted at the moment. As time moves on, many advances are being made in understanding and treating a wide scope of physciatric conditions and disorders, however the clinicians personal experiences and the opinions of the psychiatric community itself have more influence on treatment than does the personal needs of each individual.
I hear your words of recognition that this process had a great affect on you personally. I can see how easily one can be pigeonholed into believing that their own emotional characteristics fit the accepted guide for specific disorders. Could it be that the spectrum of mental health is very broad and the ability for many physicians and clinicians to understand that spectrum is very rigid?
All of that to say that you come across as a very thoughtful, intelligent person with so much to give. We have all made conscious and subconscious mistakes as we walked to path of dealing with another’s disorder. Your advice to approach our healing with mutual kindness is a testimony of the person you are now.
Hoping To Heal from Kalina
Your words were beautiful. Thank you so much for allowing me to share my experiences with you. I believe we are here to contribute, each in our own way, to the healing of others. To do this work we must learn to heal ourselves. Your point is very well chosen, paradigms shift and change all the time. The helping fields have grown exponentially as a result. Currently, I contribute my point of view on psychology and related topics by writing book reviews for Amazon. I really love writing reviews, most especially, of old books dealing with psychopathology and therapy. The old books, the ones out of print, have among the most astounding examples of the very fine art of healing traumatized clients. Be well, and, thank you for being my Lovefraud friend!
In this article, under the heading “The Sociopath’s Reaction” I suggest adding in “The sociopath may engage in revenge behaviors to “get you back” for having rejected, outed or thwarted them.”
Dr. Robert Hare describes psychopathy (or sociopathy) as the combination of narcissistic pd traits plus antisocial pd traits, so the sense of entitlement and justification to seek revenge can very possibly be in the mix of responses a ‘spath might have to being rejected; its a narcissistic injury.
I’ve experienced that kind of behavior twice, by two different people who for sure had/have npd traits and possibly even antisocial pd traits as well, aka psychopathy, and I can tell you that its damned spooky and frightening when you realize that this individual isn’t just angry at you, he or she (in my case both were female) actually wants to hurt you and will take pleasure in it, because in his/her mind *you deserve to be punished.*
Please give me your feedback if you can. I just learned that my ex sociopath husband may have been up to something illegal involving my identity. I will explain: I received a notice from the mail that a certified envelope was waiting for me at the post office. I called the P.O. To ask them to reschedule delivery for the next day. They looked up my phone number, read the address linked by their computer to my ex husband’s address. I also received an email, not relating to me or our children, asking me if I knew where so and so was, as she is needed for some insurance problem. The person, is my Ex’d step daughter who has zero to do with me. My question to the P.O. : how could it happen that my ex husband of fifteen years, in another city with a different zip code, could get linked automatically with my home phone number. I have called before to reschedule a postal delivery, with no such mismatch . He has been remarried for over ten years. We have never shared an address or phone number since our divorce. He, however, throughout our 28 year marriage, defrauded me and used my signature and identity to mask his crimes. The psychological ramifications obliterated my self confidence. PT.S Syndrome to die for! Help with suggestions if possible. With the P.O. I have started an investigation as they could not figure out how this mismatch could occur. Thank you, friends. Kalina