You’ve been living in insanity. Your partner seems to randomly lash out or give you the silent treatment, and then says you’re to blame. Your finances are in shambles, and you’re to blame for that too even if you’re the only one working. You are positive that this person is cheating on you, but he or she insists you are paranoid and delusional.
Or, in a variation on a theme, you are living with the distinct feeling that something is amiss, although you can’t quite figure out what it is.
You Google terms like “emotional abuse” or “signs of cheating” or “love and deceit.” Eventually you end up on Lovefraud.
Suddenly, everything makes sense. The articles describe what you’re experiencing. Other people are telling stories that sound just like yours.
You realize that you’re involved with a sociopath.
You are horrified this personality disorder sounds really, really bad, and there is no treatment for it.
But you are also relieved now you know you are not crazy it’s him (or her).
So what do you do with this information?
First, here’s what NOT to do: Do NOT confront the sociopath.
Even though you want to say, “I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE!!!”
Even though you want to defend yourself, “IT’S NOT ME, IT’S YOU!!!”
Don’t do it.
Now that you know what you’re dealing with, keep the information to yourself and carefully plan what you’re going to do next.
The sociopath’s reaction
Sociopaths are all about power and control. If you tell the person that you have figured out that everything he or she has told you is a lie, that everything he or she has done was manipulation, the sociopath will perceive a loss of power and control over you.
The sociopath will probably react in one of these ways:
- Love bombing: He or she will turn on the charm or plead for another chance, causing you to doubt yourself and drawing you back into the web.
- Rage: He or she will become infuriated and ratchet up the abuse.
- Abandonment: he or she will abruptly leave, causing as much damage to you as possible on the way out.
Any of these reactions by the sociopath will probably make your situation more difficult.
So even though you now know the truth, put on an act. Pretend that everything is the same, while you evaluate the extent of the sociopath’s deceit and exploitation. Figure out how you are going to extricate yourself from the involvement to best protect your safety, health, finances and reputation.
Sociopath’s family
Here’s something else you should NOT do: Do not confide in the sociopath’s family.
Keep in mind that this disorder is highly genetic, so it is quite possible that the sociopath’s parents, siblings or other relatives are also disordered. If so, they will side with the sociopath to help him or her keep control over you.
Or, the family may be clueless. Some family members especially if they don’t see the sociopath very often may have absolutely no idea what he or she is really like. If the sociopath starts playing the victim, they may buy the act and do everything they can to help the sociopath, not you.
Or, the family may have known all along that the sociopath was no good, and wanted you to take the problem off of their hands. They don’t want to deal with the disorder again, so they may sabotage your efforts to escape.
Talking to friends
Do not relay your suspicions to any friends who are also the sociopath’s friends.
Sociopaths engage in impression management. Just as the sociopath was able to charm you for so long, he or she charms other people. So people who know the sociopath may have a hard time believing what you are saying.
This is especially true if the sociopath has already launched a smear campaign.
Long before you have any clue what is going on, the sociopath may have started laying the groundwork to discredit you. He or she may have made up stories about your behavior, or “confided” that you’re “mentally unstable.”
The sociopath may have subtly turned people against you. So if you start talking about what has really been going on in your life, they are primed to disbelieve you.
In fact, you should also be careful about talking to your own friends.
The sociopath may contact them behind your back and convincingly express concern about you. What the sociopath really wants is information. Your friends may fall for the scam after all, you did and tell the sociopath something that can jeopardize your plans.
People don’t understand
Keep in mind that most people simply don’t understand what the words “sociopath” and “psychopath” mean. Most people think they are serial killers.
If you say you’re involved with a sociopath, and that person doesn’t look like a killer, others may think you’re exaggerating.
So even if you’re bursting to confront the sociopath, and you want to tell the world that he or she is a lying, manipulative exploiter, it’s best to be very cautious about sharing the information.
Keep quiet, at least in the beginning until you know whom you can really trust.
Kallina,
It seems like The PO should have some way to make a formal complaint and do a more thorough investigation, as you mentioned. Also, mail fraud is a federal offense. Maybe it’s time to bring it to the attention of then police and get some guidance there. It seems so unfair that he can do this without some repercussion.
I’m sorry for your continued torture from a relationship you escaped 15 years ago. Truly the sign of a disturbed person who continues to haunt his past target (or maybe I should say past wife,current target.)
Best wishes on getting this straightened out.
Hoping to Heal.
Thank you for your response. Frankly, I do believe my ex is involved in illegal activity, of the white collar type. I just watched Blue Jasmine. In the end everything exploded. Her kid left Harvard, the Mom had a nervous breakdown, friendless, penny less, broken in spirit, brooding for the past that was a delusional ecstasy. I may be opening up a can of worms. Should I proceed down this path? Kalina
Wow Kalina,
That’s a tough one. I’m always on the side of justice, but I guess you have to ask yourself if the evidence is just circumstantial, or do you have absolute factual evidence. I, myself, would never cover up a crime if I knew the truth. But I may opt to wait and see what developers if I just had suspicions. Suspicions can be misleading.
I guess weighing your intuition of what is right and wrong and all the consequences will lead you to the right decision. I really do believe that when a persons heart is pure, the opportunities and circumstances reveal themselves in a timely manner for us to act upon. That theory also goes for the decisions we have both made to stay in toxic relationships for a long time. I don’t know the reason at this time, but I am confident it will work for our good.
Another point addressing your question is this, this person that you were with, he’s been out in the world dealing havoc for a lifetime. I’m sure you are not the only person who is aware of his dark activities. Maybe waiting will provide the time someone else needs to come up with crucial undeniable evidence.
But, and this is a big but :), do not wait if you know for sure.. Most importantly, you would never want to break the law yourself by knowing and not coming forward. If you are sure about your hunches, I’d get legal advise. I have done this myself. No knee jerk reactions.
Again, I’m so sorry you are trapped in this situation. Good luck and Gods speed on finding a resolution.
Thank you , Hoping to Heal. You seem to understand that I do not want to play “cops and robers”, at this time in my life. Nor am I vindictive. Do no harm, resonates well with my nature. However, I have asked the PO. to file an inquiry. My professor use to tell his students, “Do what you must and let the chips fall where they may”. I hardly ever took his advice. Now, I see the wisdom in it. Hope you heal soon! Kalina
Hi Kalina,
I did find out stuff about my ex–and turn him in. I was shocked that some people did nothing! (He has embezzled and committed tax fraud.) My life did kind of follow the Blue Jasmine path: the family has definitely unraveled. My youngest will not go to an elite college, as my other two did. I hope he just goes to college–he is so depressed and changed by this. But all of that could have happened any time. The family was built on (my ex’s) lies. We were living a false life. So I am not really sorry. At least the truth is out there. It has definitely hurt me financially, though. Everybody has to do what is right for them… Best of luck to you.
Dear LL, Wow! You did it and I thought about doing it. During my marriage I was gas lighted almost to complete insanity. I don’t think I could have handled the fallout. I would not have had any family support. My friends would have accused me of Betrayal. I was so fragmented by the lie that we both lived. He would have accused me of complicity. Now, all these years later, my ex wants something from me. It’s always about money. I will try and stay detached. I will see how far this thing of his goes. I know he is up to something! I am so sorry you have been through such a harrowing ordeal. You, your children, your family, pain. Please keep in touch. Is this ordeal over, now? Will it ever be over? My congratulations to you for your courage. Kalina
Hi again, Kalina!
Well, believe me, if I had not had absolute proof of his crimes–and that I had no knowledge of them until after the fact–he would have tried to accuse me, too. I was just lucky. And nosy! LOL! But seriously, there has been a lot of fall out. I have lost family, friends, my place in my community, etc. Not because they believe him–but partially because now I can’t do things for them, my situation is too messy, etc. I’ve definitely come a long way down. But the ground is solid here, at least.
And as for gas lighting–OMG! I am happy now to at least know the truth of my life, even if the truth hurts!
I know things will be better for you–you are stronger than you ever thought, right?
Take care,
Lisa
Dear Lisa,
It appears one can never really win with a sociopath. I believe these guys truly believe that their wife would never have the courage to either seek or openly reveal, the truth. I am pretty certain, I would have been seen as complicit. I probably would have admitted to anything and everything as I was a basket case in the end. After fifteen years, I can say, I am an almost whole person. You on the other hand, had the courage of your convictions still in tact. Bravo, for you! In fact, sociopaths deserve to be stopped. However, given the nature of their predatory style and experience, stopping them involves the un tangling of web after web of lies and deception. Allowing yourself to enter the mind of a predator is risky business. The maze they create is designed to discourage any coherent interpretation of the information. Once you get sucked in, you can’t extricate easily. You wind up looking for something that isn’t there. Insanity is about the hidden, covert, indirect,strategies they use to get what they want. Since these guys are all Mysogynists, they aim at your destruction. Perverse is as perverse does. No boundaries, no sense, no linking of the obvious. You are smarter than me. You knew when to stop before you were destroyed. I did not. I am here to share my story with other survivors. I can’t stop thinking of those lost years. Thank you so, so much for sharing your remarkable story with me. Kalina
Kalina, I was no different than you. I didn’t get the whole picture until I had been married 26 years! Though things were crazy for at least 10. I am just grateful I finally learned the truth and my children know the truth. But living with a sociopath for so many years has damaged all of us–it’s not a completely happy ending. I am destroyed financially–just sold my “dream home”, and am going to have to move to a tiny apartment.(No equity in home because if his debts!) My kids are all somewhat disengaged, though they at least do see him for what he is. But our family connection is tenuous. I am working to strengthen it, but who knows?! My children have a lot of unrealized promise. And when I told his client he embezzled, he took me to court and had child support reduced. Typical! But I am glad to be free of him. Moving out of the house will hurt, but only because of the memories of my children and the hopes I had for them. It was never a happy home–I see that now.
Wisdom comes at a huge cost–but glad I got some! 🙂
Dear LL,
I wish I knew you better. Your courage after all those years with an abuser. So haunting, so painful, so terrifying in it’s perverseness. You must have and still are suffering so terribly. My heart goes out to you. Your family, obviously, has been traumatized, as well. No one wins in this kind of situation. The fact that you could move on so boldly, is testament to your true character. There are probably women’s groups in your town that could provide some in-person support. You lost your dreams, your security, maybe your kids. A heartache, for certain. I do have one son I am very close to. Although he and his family are out of my area, a plane trip of 1 hour gets me there. I have a daughter and another son. Unfortunately we are not close. After my experience I decided only to spend my efforts and time on relationships that are authentic. Neither one understands me nor should they. I actually, don’t find that even necessary. I am true to my conscience, and, don’t need anyone’s approval any more. I do not mind helping financially, for this or that, but do not consider our emotional bond to be strong. Please continue to stay in touch. Our story, so similar yet so different. I care about you. You should succeed in your new life. I learned to let go of things and hang on to what really matters. Be well, Kalina